Partner doesn't listen

LegacyUser

hey all, decided to write this because I'm going through a tough situation at the minute and I don't know where else to turn.

Basically: my partner and I were invited to a gathering of acquaintances (mostly partners' friends) a journey away in a few weeks and I felt uncomfortable being around them, so I opted out. My partner had said that if I didn't want to go, then they wouldn't go either, which I was against, but they insisted and said it was their choice. Unfortunately when I did opt out, my partner did not, instead starting a whole 'arguement' over it (I said it was fine, I just didn't want to go, end of story, or so I thought) and saying how they'd feel like their friends would be disappointed and so on. And here's where things get complicated: my partner has been to gatherings like this with these friends of theirs before, but they always seem to go wrong in some way (lots of alcohol and no responsibility) and as a result I'm either ignored and worried for their safety or on the receiving end of an angry rant about how 'mad I am' that they went to begin with. To clarify, I make it clear it's their choice, and to just stay safe.

At times there have even been physical altercations at these gatherings, nothing serious thank god, but I'm afraid I'll get a phone call one of these times from the gardai or a hospital. I've attended maybe one or two gatherings, and I dislike my partner's 'friends' (if you can call them that) who're cruelly abusive, alcohol-dependent and untrustworthy, I don't feel like I can relax around them. My partner feels the same way, yet still goes due to some being 'better' somehow.

It always seems to happen, some of the most recent times I've been completely out of the picture and somehow get blamed (at one point I was quite sick, but still got abuse) for their bad time, like an emotional punching bag when they were drunk and left alone in an apartment, violently getting sick, right after hitting another person at the gathering. I just feel really low, I want nothing to do with these situations but it seems like I can't escape being mistreated and my concerns aren't taken seriously. I've tried to discuss my concerns with my partner but they ignore me, act condescendingly towards me and make me feel like my opinion doesn't matter. What do I do?

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm afraid that reading your post, your partner sounds like an immature douche with friends that are even worse. Would you be aware of just how damning the picture you have painted is?

Your relationship sounds toxic and very bad for you, your mental health and your self esteem. You don't feel listened to, respected or cared about, and frankly, the situations where you end up as an emotional punching bag for issues completely unrelated to you, sound thoroughly abusive.

In short, I can't understand what you are doing in that relationship or what possible good you can derive from being treated like that by a partner, even if it is only part of the time. It sounds horrible, drama-laden and soul-destroying.

Your partner's friends aren't your problem - your partner is.

Your partner doesn't care about you.

Get out of that abusive relationship right now. The longer you stay, the worse off you'll be.

Best wishes.

denhaagenite

This might sound harsh but I think you just want different things. If I continuously opted out of weddings and the like of my OHs friends I think he would probably hear some negative comments from them and eventually get a bit cross about it. If my OH liked getting drunk and then fighting with his mates then I don't think we would last very long either.

You may need to just accept that this is what he's like, and we don't get in relationships with people in order to change them. My feeling is that he's caught between trying to please you and them, and I suspect that they're not your biggest fans. I would assess the relationship to see if it's worth taking any further.

LegacyUser

OP here.

seenitall: I feel like it's bad, but I wasn't exactly sure how bad it made my partner look. Both the friends and my partner act immaturely, it does make our relationship difficult. This has been an ongoing problem and no matter how I try to avoid it, something always happens and effects me.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing in this relationship either. I know what's happening is wrong and downright cruel, but I really needed someone to confirm it to me so I felt like I wasn't crazy.

denhaagenite: I don't really understand where you're coming from here. I did attend gatherings like this (not weddings, just social events) but stopped due to their behaviour (including my partners'). It feels like it's not that we want different things, just the same thing in different ways. I have no issue with spending time out socially, but alcohol-fueled fighting and abusing me regardless of my involvement doesn't seem like something fair, regardless of friends' opinions.

denhaagenite

partnernotlistening wrote: »

denhaagenite: I don't really understand where you're coming from here. I did attend gatherings like this (not weddings, just social events) but stopped due to their behaviour (including my partners'). It feels like it's not that we want different things, just the same thing in different ways. I have no issue with spending time out socially, but alcohol-fueled fighting and abusing me regardless of my involvement doesn't seem like something fair, regardless of friends' opinions.

Socially means spending time with his friends aswell though. I'm not blaming you for having a problem with the fights and the aggro, I'm just saying you can't and shouldn't want to change the way he is. I don't see anywhere how you want the same thing in different ways- you don't want to spend time with this group and he does.

I have witnessed a relationship very similar to how your have described yours (not so much isolated to certain social events or fighting though) and it was a complete mess. In the beginning everything was fine but in the end I just wanted to strangle them both. They had been biting their tongues about things in the honeymoon period but eventually all of this stuff came to a head and it was all control and jealousy and misery from then on out. She was constantly making curfews and telling him how much he could drink, he would break these just for the sake of it not because he necessarily felt like it, he was jealous of her contact with xyz people, she made a bigger effort to contact them. Sound familiar?

Merkin

partnernotlistening wrote: »

I want nothing to do with these situations but it seems like I can't escape being mistreated and my concerns aren't taken seriously. I've tried to discuss my concerns with my partner but they ignore me, act condescendingly towards me and make me feel like my opinion doesn't matter. What do I do?

You need to think about why you're with him. I think you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep but I also think the above statement speaks volumes, regardless of who he hangs around with. Ultimately it seems like has very little respect for you.