Why cant I just say no?

hollster2

Hi Ive been thinking the last few weeks how soft I am sometimes.

I have a person very close to me going through a tough time they live by themselves single and not working.

I gave them a Lend of 60 over last week at the promise is get it back Monday, I ended up having to borrow off my mum because of this.

Monday came there was excuses they didn't have it etc.

I gave the money on good faith Im not working and have three kids im hardly loaded but I couldn't see them in this position.

Im now getting asked again for money and Ive said now they even had the cheek to say I get childrens allowance on Tuesday.

Any allowance I get is for food bills and stuff for the kids that's there money not mine and id never give it to anyone.

Im feeling bad now for saying no because I know deep down they need it but I know ill just be thrown there again and excuses made when its time to give back.

Stuck now and I don't know what to do I feel awful for saying no.

sharkfox

If you can't afford to lose it, don't lend it.
Don't feel guilty either, this person already stuck you once, they'll more than likely do it again.

Tokyo

hollster2 wrote: »

I gave them a Lend of 60 over last week at the promise is get it back Monday....

Monday came there was excuses they didn't have it etc.

Im now getting asked again for money and Ive said now they even had the cheek to say I get childrens allowance on Tuesday.

Not to put to fine a point on it, but you need to give this person an outright no. You're being taken for a ride here.

They are putting you in the position where you have to borrow money for yourself because they are reneging on their promises to repay you, and the fact that they have the audacity to monitor your income for you and say it to you would indicate that they are only going to become more brazen about it.

Say no, and I'll bet that by the time the afternoon is up, they'll be tapping on the shoulder of someone else, trying to hit them up for a few euro.

hollster2

I've said no and I'm going to stick with it now, its the guilt now I have to get over.

Tokyo

You have nothing to get over. You helped your friend out once. Rather than being grateful for that, they decided to try and pump you for even more. It's them that should feel guilty, not you.

You did the right thing.

Gregor Samsa

Which would you feel worse about: saying no to this person or having your kids potentially go without food?

Your first priority should always be your kids and yourself, and you don't have to justify or apologise for that to anyone.

Say a firm no. If the person has any real love for you (be they friend or family) they'll respect your position. If they don't, they're not worthy of your help in any case.

Tearin It Up

hollster2 wrote: »

I've said no and I'm going to stick with it now, its the guilt now I have to get over.

Stop feeling guilty.

You gave them €60, promised you'll get it back on such a day. They didn't.

That first €60 is gone, you'll never see it back if they can't manage their money to pay you back and ask for another loan on top of it.

What were they asking for, another €60? It just keeps on adding up.

They have some cheek to think you're loaded and ask for your children's allowance.

There's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Shrap

OP, you are not responsible for whatever debt or difficulty your friend is in. I can understand how crappy you feel about it though as I spent a few years "supporting" (the more appropriate term was "enabling" actually) my eldest's father, who had a number of addictions and the debts to go with them. Even now without the addictions, he has a pathological compulsion to overspend and run up debts. Something I had to learn was that not having money was less of a problem for him than having it (as he'd use it inappropriately) and although I cared for him very much, I wasn't helping if I lent him money (which never, ever came back). It got so bad in fact that my eldest no longer brought his (small amount) of pocket money with him when he went there to stay. Most people are horrified at the sound of that, but despite his financially draining tendencies, he's a lovely guy and a great dad.

I'm absolutely not saying that your situation is similar, but do please remember that his/her financial problems most probably can't be helped by you bailing them out. This person has just proven to you that it was never going to stop at 60 euro, so your guilt over saying no is less about not giving the money but more about hating having to have used some tough love towards your friend. You're better off in every way by drawing this line in the sand and it may save your friendship in the end.

Edit: "but I couldn't see them in this position" - They're giving you no choice about that. You'll have to toughen up OP.

IlmoNT4

Why are you feeling guilty at all? This person owes you money and wants more without repaying the first loan

My rule OP, dont lend money to anyone

orthsquel

OP you have nothing to feel guilty about in saying no to them and not lending them money. Even if they are having a bad time of it, it doesn't give them the right to expect you to hand over your money.

phutyle wrote: »

If the person has any real love for you (be they friend or family) they'll respect your position. If they don't, they're not worthy of your help in any case.

This is very true and I've learned it the hard way that those who just want to use you for money will generally get mad at you and be defensive about needing the money or paying it back, while others who aren't out to fleece you will be a lot, lot more respectful.

OP in a particular time with someone who I lent money to and had to work hard to get my money back and take a stance against lending more, I felt incredibly guilty because I knew their situation and how bad it was. I equated being a nice person, a good friend with being there to help another when in difficulty and felt guilty because I was letting them down in many ways by not giving them money. I felt like I was a bad person, a bad friend. But that I was doing the right thing for myself to not get dragged into their money problems. I was just being used for the cash and it was confirmed when I got a lot of very nasty emails and texts from them calling me every name under the sun when I refused to lend them more money, and when asked for what I had lent back; it just showed me a whole new perspective on that person and I didn't like it one bit.

Now that may not happen with your friend at all, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not lending them the money. Money is the short term solution to a long term problem and your money will just get thrown into a black hole unless the long term problem is dealt with.

Just wanted to add for contrast, I once worked with a woman who on a few occasions found herself a few quid short or completely without money for her long distance bus fare and asked me for a loan. I agreed, the sum wasn't big that I would miss it if I didn't get it back, and would have really helped her out. Next day she saw me the first thing she did was come over to me and give me the money back and thank me and even explain how she didn't like not paying her way or not paying people back. Any time she asked for a loan, I was happy to give, knowing full well she would pay me back, in full, without ever needing me to ask for it back. Even if I had said no, it would not have been a big deal, she wouldn't have held it against me or thought me mean, but would have been understanding. If everyone was like her when it came to money, we'd never stress or feel bad about saying no or ever be in the position of getting burned for lending money.

If you feel bad about not giving the money, then offer non financial solutions and general support - although don't allow yourself to end up listening to endless moaning about overdue bills they can't pay while looking for you to reach for your credit card - and limit it to that without getting overly involved.

Rubberchikken

I personally never feel guilty. Waste of time imo.

You need your money for you and your family. You're a good kind person but don't let yourself be taken for granted.

Say no, you haven't got it end of. You've been very fair in lending but youustn't lend at the expense of you and yours.

hollster2

Thanks everyone for the reply's I've stuck to saying no and got a nasty reply but im proud of myself and yet I do feel bad but not going to be manipulated.

Taltos

They really have some cheek, but real users are like that.
Next time and it will happen they ask you for money just immediately reply "I really need that 60 I gave you back as I'm stuck for food for the kids...."

And smile...

Pure user there and you have nothing at all to feel bad about, chances are they know you feel bad and are betting on you giving into them soon again.

hollster2

That's exactly how it is and they are expecting me to give in not leaving my self short again, ill never see the money again so lesson learned.

Ave Sodalis

So you lent them money and instead of being grateful, they say nasty things to you when you won't give them more? On top of not giving it back? I'd cut that person out of my life OP. They sound like a drain and if that's the way they treat people who help them out, I'm not surprised they're in a bad situation. I'm not in a great place financially myself right now but I hate borrowing money off anyone and if I have to (which I probably will), I'd be making it a priority to get the money back to them as soon as I can and extra through helping them with whatever they need. Your "friend's" behaviour is not acceptable and you have nothing to feel guilty about.