How do I help my mam?

Rosy Posy

My mam has suffered from an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. She's dangerously underweight, eats sparsely and exercises compulsively. She also barely sleeps but keeps herself awake with vast quantities of coffee. She faints reasonably often.

She has gotten ill and my oh, who is a GP, suspects that she has pneumonia. He's recommended that she gets a chest X-ray and further treatment if necessary. The problem is that she is incredibly stubborn. The last time she went to the doctor they told her that her weight was unhealthy and that she should try to gain weight. Because of that she doesn't want to go back to the doctor. She's so unwell, my dad convinced her not to exercise today and she immediately said that the illness has effected her appetite and is barely eating at all. It seems obvious to me that she is fearful of eating without exercising.

I tried to get her to take a rest today and told her she should get the X-ray- my oh can order it for her, all she has to do is go to the radiologist without having to see a doctor or be examined but she got cross with me and denied that anything was wrong. I sent her some homemade soup and bread with my dad. I'm just feel so helpless. I know that short term she needs to have medical attention for her physical ailments and long term she needs mental healthcare but she's absolutely resistant. She will not suffer the topic being raised. I've talked to my dad about it but all he says it 'your mother is stubborn and won't be told'.

Any ideas that anyone has on how to get through to her would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to stand by and watch my mother slowly kill herself but I don't know what to do to make her see sense.

MrWalsh

Hi Rosy, your mums behaviour is self destructive in the way any addiction is, the similarities with manipulative behaviour, delusions, denial, excuses etc.. are all consistent with alcoholism or drug addiction in the family.

The unpleasant answer for you is that beyond stating your concerns and offering support if she tries to get help, there isn't really anything you can do.

I learned, like you, that sometimes we can only watch someone we love engaging in self destructive behaviour. It's hard. And you possibly need some support yourself to get through it. All sorts of feelings of guilt, anger, helplessness etc to be worked through.

Some ideas to break the stalemate are to stage an intervention where everyone who cares about her comes together and tells her that she needs to help herself. Another possibility is to detach with love until she realises that she is pushing those who love her away. Your father sounds like he is not helping so getting him on board would be good too. And your GP husband should be blunt with her about the consequences of this behaviour as well.

Beyond that you can only take care of yourself and learn not to enable her.

Rosy Posy

Thanks, I never really thought of it on a par with addiction- I suppose because I don't tend to subscribe to the disease model of addiction, but I do see her as suffering from a mental illness. Looking at it that way there really isn't much difference.

I've discussed intervention with my dad before and he's quite firm that it's pointless and she will never change. He has been somewhat successful in stopping her exercising at least.

My oh has told her frankly what he recommends but he did lay out all of the possible scenarios for her, including it being viral and her recovering without treatment, which she has latched on to, without abiding to the caveats of rest and good nutrition. He is so used to people ignoring his advice and having patients die or live in misery because of their lifestyle choices.

Thanks for your wisdom.

pookie82

Your dad sounds like he has witnessed this first hand for years and is throwing his hands up in defeat. I suppose you can't entirely blame him. It must be exhausting to try to do battle with someone so stubborn.

Do you have other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins) who could help you to stage an intervention?

Failing that, I would be tempted to perhaps write her a letter. Outline the deep personal pain and anguish this is causing to you. Tell her you can't bear to sit by while she does nothing to help herself despite the treatments and options available to her.

Maybe appeal to her emotional side. Are you two close? Explain that you're terrified she will drive herself into an early grave and miss out on precious future years you want her around for.

Ask her if the situation was in the reverse, and she was forced to watch you slowly starve yourself and refuse medical help for something treatable, how would she feel?

Maybe she just sees your suggestion to see a doctor as superficial nagging and has no idea your fear goes this deep.