Should I consider trying again?

LegacyUser

Okay. Going anony'moose' with this.

Long story short, I've been dating a girl from work for the last 8 months. Kinda knew each other a bit beforehand, had partied a few times with her, her mates and boyfriend at the time. They broke up badly in November 2013, and we hooked up at a work event the following June. I was cautious, having being hurt before, and openly shared this with her. She was totally understanding, having a history of bad relationships that spanned back many years, so we took it slow. No real commitment, but still being boyfriend and girlfriend with everything that goes with it. With all búllshít thrown out the window, we talked about our issues, mine with sex and intimacy; hers with her depression, anxiety, cutting when she was younger, body issues, low sex drive, and so forth. I knew she had baggage, and was okay with it.

Absolutely awesome individual, with one of the biggest hearts I know. We had 6 fantastic months of dates, adventures, shared interests and enjoying getting to know each other. We both live very independent lives, we both train in different things, and take our work very seriously. We've both been so cool with each other doing our own things, or so I thought.

In early January, we started to get more serious about us. Unfortunately, at the same time she got hit with a bad bout of depression, and having never been in a serious relationship before, I did the only thing I know how to do in this instance (bad depression in my immediate family, and many friends); gave her space. I have since learned that this was the wrong thing to do, and we had a rekindling where we said we'd work on it. I honestly thought we were both trying, but a month went by and things haven't really improved. On Valentine's night, she basically told me that she had no interest in sex and only really did it to keep me happy. Crushed. I addressed it at a later date, but was very unsatisfied with the answer. She had also told me that she cried a lot but didn't want to do it in front of me, because 'once she started she wouldn't be able to stop' apparently. I thought that this was very scary to hear, like that there is this part of someone whom you feel so strongly for, that you don't even know. A veritable dark passenger (thank you Dexter), if you will. She ran out during an event last Friday night without telling me why, killing all our plans for that night, and leaving me confused, upset, and unable to enjoy the rest of my night. I told her it was okay, and that if something was genuinely up that I trusted that she'd tell me.

So with all this (and more) twirling around in my mind, I got pretty bummed out. Things hit their worst on Saturday through to Monday when I was back in work. I kept her in the loop, saying that I wasn't in a good headspace and just needed a little space to sort my shít out. I didn't say that it was about her, no point upsetting her until we could talk properly and I could air my concerns. Yesterday, relatively out of the blue, I get a very horrible message saying that she feels like a disposable part of my life, that there is no love, passion or romance, and some very hurtful stuff about our sex life. None of which I think is true, as I have strived (even compromising my own happiness) to try to make this work. After a brief text exchange she agreed to meet me after work to discuss things. Half an hour later, she says that she 'just hormoned all over me' and was sorry. Almost as if justifying it.

When we met yesterday evening, I could barely look at her I was so hurt. Not being one to be spoken to like that, unless I genuinely deserved it, I ended things. She honestly seemed a little surprised. As part of a long conversation, I suggested that she should consider talking to someone professional, she rebuked the idea saying that she had tried before and that it wouldn't work.

I'm so upset, I care deeply for this person, and really don't want to lose her; but equally I know that I'm not the one who can help her. I also don't want to be treated and spoken to like that, just because she's feeling insecure. The way things ended last night, was with me saying that I needed time to think, and she said that whenever I want to talk she'll meet me.
My head is fried, and I honestly don't know if I can even put myself through trying again, if this is what is bubbling under the surface.

I appreciate that this is more of a vent than an actual question, but would love to hear some thoughts and feedback from mah fellow boardsies. Obviously this only a very abridged version of my woes. Thanks for reading.

The Princess Bride

OP.
Having read and reread your excellent post, I can say I think you handled everything the right way.
You knew she had issues going into the relationship, you were the best boyfriend you could be.But these are serious issues-one alone would be significant, however she has a few.
She does need to seek help, the fact this was unsuccessful then, does not mean she can never be helped.

I'd imagine it could be difficult for you considering you both work together.
So be it.
You made the right decision to end things, she sounds like she needs to focus on her own recovery before ever considering a relationship again.

Take care of yourself, keep busy and well done.
No relationship should be that difficult ever.

DUB0207-old

NateHarlow wrote: »

I have strived (even compromising my own happiness) to try to make this work

Please, don't do this again!

I copied this passage from a website...

There are 4 occasions when you should never settle for anything less than exactly what you want:

1. When you try to save a relationship that shouldn't be saved (no interest in sex)
2. When you try to manipulate and be dishonest (she has done that)
3. When you continue to be unassertive and purposefully weak
4. When compromise is a failure to meet one's own needs

You tried for as long as you could, now its time to step back and let her work on herself.