How do I get out of this mess?

LegacyUser

I dont even know where to start. My partner & I are together 3 years and have a 4 month old daughter. He is absent & cold and offers me no support. I am so grateful for my daughter but I am tired & lonely.
My partner drinks too much. He always had a fondness for going out but it really got bad when I was pregnant. My pregnancy was high risk & I was put on bed rest. That very day he did not come to the hospital like he said he would. He told me he was getting into the shower & would meet me in the hospital as I was sent there following a gp visit. He didn't turn up. I text him to say I was on bed rest & that I had to reduce stress & my blood pressure & that I was on the way home. I got in & he had 3 friends drinking in our home. This is one example.
Anyway, I had the baby & two weeks later my partner told me he would need to spend four to five days per week helping his brother with the family business in another county. So he lived with his brother partially and with us at the weekends. Not how I imagined my life with a newborn.
He came back two weeks ago & has since disappeared for four days with his phone off. Yesterday, again, he went to work & has not returned.
I feel so heartbroken for my daughter & so annoyed at myself for bringing her into this mess. She is 17 weeks old and he has never once done a night feed.
We do rely on him for rent & I've no idea how to go about moving out, just me & her.

amdublin

Is there anything good about this fella at all?

Doesn't sound like there is.

Why do you want this life for you and your daughter?

Can you move in with a relative/back home?



Edit.
Edited as the above sounded very brusque.

I am sorry you are in this mess. You don't deserve it amd your daughter definitely doesn't. Time to make things right as best you can, without him, for the future.

Katgurl

This is a terrible period of your life but like everything else, it will pass. Remember that when it all seems too much.

You need to get away from this man. Not only is he offering you no support he is making your life significantly worse. I know you want your daughter to grow up with a father but he does not sound like he is up to the job.

You say you rely on him for rent. There has to be another way, maybe not an overnight solution but it can always be figured out. Do you have any support network? A relative or friend who could put you and your baby up for a while?

Oh and congratulations on becoming a mum by the way!

Rubberchikken

you need to talk with him and see what's going on. Tbh disappearing off to help his brother, excessive drinking, not supporting the womsn who's just has his child isn't fair.

He need to be honest with you and let you know where you stand.

You could speak to the community welfare officer if you need financial help. Also if you have family you can turn to then tell them what's happening.
A small baby is tough enough with support it's even tougher on your own.

Congratulations on baby and take care.

mapaca

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour? How does he react? If he can't see how badly he is treating you and baby then I'm afraid you have some big decisions to make. You and the baby should be his top priority.

I hope you have some support nearby from friends and family, someone to come and give you a hand with the little one and someone to listen. The newborn stage is wonderful, but it is also stressful and exhausting. His repeated disappearing act is wrong and you deserve so much more.

Chemical Byrne

This is absolutely disgraceful behaviour on his part.

He has absolutely no respect for you which is bad enough but it is quite worrying that he seems to have no respect of even an inkling of caring towards his daughter.

i would mirror the comments above in that on one hand I'd lament your daughter growing up without a father but on the other hand if this is the standard of parenting she has to look forward to she's probably better off without. Who needs a commitment phobic borderline alcoholic as a parent.

I'd advise to try get some alternative accomodation arranged with helo from family and friends and then give that commode the boot.

Best of luck to you both.

LegacyUser

Its an easy one . there's no future with this man . protect your child and move out and move on with your life .
You need stainability and your not going to find it here, you will meet someone els when its right .
This guy is a drain on you, time to put the rubbish out along with the dirty nappies

LegacyUser

He told me he was coming straight home from work today & he's still not back. He's in the pub.
He says I am selfish for trying to control him & that he was controlled by his parents as a kid for long enough etc he says that by crying I am domineering. He says he can do whatever he likes & he won't answer to anyone.
How can I explain myself so he understands this isn't normal behaviour when you've got a longterm girlfriend & a baby?
He basically says I can go if I want because he won't be bullied by me.
That's not what I want him to feel. Why doesn't he understand that it's normal to expect your partner to come home after work?
Honestly my heart is broken. I feel so guilty for giving this father to my baby. She is so gorgeous & so sweet, she deserves him to adore her & want to come home to her. I don't even know who to confide in or talk to about this.

mapaca

I hope you're ok this morning OP. I'm so sorry to read this update, it really sounds like he just doesn't care or respect you. As I said, you deserve better. Don't feel guilty for the way he's behaving, the important thing is that YOU are there for your daughter and you, as a loving and devoted mum are all she needs. I think you would be better off away from him.

I hope you will confide in someone in real life. Your family and friends will be happy to help you get out of this situation. Chances are they already have an idea what he's like. You could also talk to the public health nurse for advice on practicalities.

You can change things, it might take time and it will take strength and courage, but you can do it.

Gringo180

What a waster he sounds like, get rid of him you will be much much better off in the long run. Best of luck to you.

Penny Tration

Jesus OP, he's really manipulating you

You're NOT bullying him for being upset over his disgusting behaviour!

He's walking all over you and playing mind games with you, and you deserve so much more.

I hate to say it, but the very first thing that came into my mind when you said he only stays at weekends is that he's in another relationship.

You really need support from your friends and family. This man doesn't care about you, he's treating you like something scraped from his shoe.

Please, get rid of him.

dudara

Please take the time to read the recent forum announcement. Hard-nosed, one-liner type responses are no longer welcome in PI. Please put effort into your responses and offer advice to the OP

dudara

The_Conductor

OP- Speaking as a father to two wonderful little children- while this guy may have been the sperm donor to your little daughter- he is not her father.

At the moment- the sole and only thing he is bringing to the relationship- is that he is paying your rent.

There is far more to any relationship- than paying rent- he is being disrespectful to you and your daughter.

You really need professional advice from a family law solicitor- or at very least FLAC.

Were I in your position- I would draw up a separation agreement- where he would undertake to provide for his daughter (i.e. continue to pay the rent)- but that would be it.

Don't be vindictive towards him and refuse him access to his daughter- and also don't try to turn her against her father as she grows up.

Perhaps he may change as he gets older- perhaps not. Its not your duty to hang around and hope that he will cop on- he has had plenty of opportunity himself- and until such time as he faces up to being an adult, and a father- trying to pretend you have a relationship with this oaf is more futile than pissing in the wind.

You and your little girl are a family- and you do sound like you're making the most of a bad situation. You do owe it to yourself to try and make sure that you and your daughter have a future though- and from the little you've told us about your so called 'partner'- it would be prudent to explore what your options are.

Chemical Byrne

The_Conductor wrote: »

Don't be vindictive towards him and refuse him access to his daughter- and also don't try to turn her against her father as she grows up.

As things stand I doubt he would be bothered much anyway. :mad:

OP, when you have a newborn should be one of the happier times of your life but you are living in a misery with this "man".
Get out ASAP. You are acting in a perfectly understandable fashion, it is he who has the issues.

I feel so angry and upset for you now

I hope you can meet someone else who can give you and your baby the love and respect you both deserve. I know this is terrible, but it's a shame you had a baby with this muppet and not someone decent. Sorry. I know a future partner might be an excellent and loving step dad to her but sadly it's not quite the same and he'll never be her dad.

If there's one group of people I hate in this world it's dead beat "fathers".

jopax

Hi op, my heart goes out to you & your daughter in this situation.

Do you have a good go you can talk to about getting help & maybe counseling?

I can understand that you are in the situation and you are trying to reason with him & make him understand that his behaviour is wrong.
Coming from an objective view point, this is a waste of your energy.

He will continue to do what he wants to, you cannot change him.

The only solution for you is to get help both emotionally and practically in terms of finding accommodation.

Try not to worry to much about your baby, she is too young to understand what is happening now.

You are blaming yourself for her having him as a father, stop beating yourself up, he should be feeling guilt not you.

Please just try to get out & get a life that brings you happiness, this is the best gift to give your daughter.

You are her role model, just ask yourself if she was in the same situation as you what would you tell her to do?

punisher5112

Op flip it around on him and say you wouldn't be controlled either.

Leave now before you have another.

Did you not know what he was like? You have been together 3 years and you seem to not know him at all.

He seems very immature and just not a great person to have to rely on.

You should just up and go at leeast for a few days see how he likes it when he doesn't know where you are and make sure to switch phone off.

You are stronger than you think OP, as it stands you are caring for your newborn daughter single handed. That's not an easy thing to do so when your thoughts turn to him and his absence, stop for a second to think about your relationship with your daughter and how much you are achieving by yourself.

Feel proud of what you are doing. You are the better person.

Chemical Byrne

Punisher raises a very valid point OP.

Was this man always so disrespectful and uncaring to you or is it something that only began once you became pregnant? Not that it makes much difference at this point really.

When he goes drinking does he actually drive home?

Goes without saying not to have another with this oaf.

Slightly off topic but the amount of threads on this Board concerning absent, disinterested, uncaring and borderline abusive fathers lately is truly frightening! What is wrong with these fellas? It never ceases to baffle me how someone can be so cold and downright horrible as to effectively abandon their own child, whatever about their partner. I know if I had a child I hope I'd want to spend as much time as possible with them and look after them. As I've said on plenty of threads now, this is something which really grinds my gears.
If I heard that any friend of mine who had become a father was behaving like this I'd have no problem pulling him aside and giving him a good and proper bollocking for it and tell him to get his act f'ing together, whether it's my business of not and even if that meant the end of our friendship.

hollster2

Hi op sorry to hear what your going through.

This sounds just like me when I had my first baby the dad was never there, always had his phone off.

I relied on him for rent etc too but I was miserable but I stayed, now 3 children later and nothings changed.

Ive finally realised I deserve better and I wouldn't change my life because if id left I wouldn't have had my other too children.

Your daughter and you deserve so much better he's sounds like he doesn't care and living a single mans life .

Have you family you can talk too?

Chemical Byrne

hollster2 wrote: »

Hi op sorry to hear what your going through.

This sounds just like me when I had my first baby the dad was never there, always had his phone off.

I relied on him for rent etc too but I was miserable but I stayed, now 3 children later and nothings changed.

Ive finally realised I deserve better and I wouldn't change my life because if id left I wouldn't have had my other too children.

Your daughter and you deserve so much better he's sounds like he doesn't care and living a single mans life .

Have you family you can talk too?

OMG that sounds so sad.:( I hope you don't mind but can I ask why you decided to have another 3 with a guy who was so unreliable and , tbh, unsuitable? Does he do anything with the kids or is he just off doing his own thing leaving you and the kids to your own devices?

hollster2

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

OMG that sounds so sad.:( I hope you don't mind but can I ask why you decided to have another 3 with a guy who was so unreliable and , tbh, unsuitable? Does he do anything with the kids or is he just off doing his own thing leaving you and the kids to your own devices?

If I'm honest I didn't want to be alone and I stuck it don't get me wrong there was good times I was so blinded by love I didn't see past it.

I'm back at home now with them and although it is tough at times this is what I needed.

He hasn't seen them in over a month talked to them twice apparently his feeling were hurt when I collected them so not seeing them seemed better.

*I didn't stop him seeing them was his choice.