Being a separated dad

Egan2012

Hi guys,
I am just wondering is there many out there in my situation? I'm recently split up from my partner. I see my kids everyday love them to bits. I would have them full time if I had the chance.
My thing is and I don't want to sound Selfish, but I work the night shift all the time, 5 nights a week, So my typical day is, Collect my 2 kids at 9am and drop one of them to school and bring my little girl to my house. I collect my little fella from school then and bring the both back to my place. I give them dinner and spend a couple of hours with them. I drop them home at 4pm an I head to work at 5. I work until 5 am and get home by 5.30. I sleep until 8.30 and go collect them again at 9. I do this everyday of the week. On my days off I keep them over night which is twice a week.
As I said I love them with all my heart but I am shattered tired.
What is the best way to sort out this without the argueing and been called a useless dad? I just can't take the arguing anymore sick to the teeth of it.

DUB0207-old

Oh, here, you are being walked over man. You need at least 8hs sleep! If the mother of your children calls you a useless dad for so far doing more than your fair share she needs cop on to herself and look around...

We all deserve/need a break and usually it happens over the weekend. Not fair on you to be busy with the children every weekend while she is free to do whatever!

Why don't you take them every other weekend? Giving you work night sifts you could collect them Sat let's say 12noon, keep them until Mon morning, she collects them and take things from there... Sort out a mid week access, i.e: every wed you stick to the current routine: drop to school, bring home, drop to the mother before work. You can always spend extra time with them on mid term breaks.

Best of luck!

Moonbeam

Do you have them mon-fri because she is at work?
Could the little girl go to play school in the mornings?

Egan2012

DUB0207 wrote: »

Oh, here, you are being walked over man. You need at least 8hs sleep! If the mother of your children calls you a useless dad for so far doing more than your fair share she needs cop on to herself and look around...

We all deserve/need a break and usually it happens over the weekend. Not fair on you to be busy with the children every weekend while she is free to do whatever!

Why don't you take them every other weekend? Giving you work night sifts you could collect them Sat let's say 12noon, keep them until Mon morning, she collects them and take things from there... Sort out a mid week access, i.e: every wed you stick to the current routine: drop to school, bring home, drop to the mother before work. You can always spend extra time with them on mid term breaks.

Best of luck!

This is what I was thinking. People have been saying this to me alright. This carry on is all new to me so not sure what I'm at to be honest. I have a weeks holidays from work coming up and I wioll be taking them for the week as well. I just don't want people to think I'm avoiding taking them.

Egan2012

Moonbeam wrote: »

Do you have them mon-fri because she is at work?
Could the little girl go to play school in the mornings?

No she has no work. There is other kids alright from a previous relationship but they go to school at 8.30 am an are home at 3.30 pm. So what she does during the day I don't know. My little girl will be starting playschool next Septmber

Moonbeam

If she is not going to work I think you need to talk to her and say that you just can not survive on no sleep and that you love your kids and do want to have them every day but how about after school every day.

I know it might be turned on you so keep diaries and if she applies for maintenance it will be handy to have those diaries too.

Egan2012

Moonbeam wrote: »

If she is not going to work I think you need to talk to her and say that you just can not survive on no sleep and that you love your kids and do want to have them every day but how about after school every day.

I know it might be turned on you so keep diaries and if she applies for maintenance it will be handy to have those diaries too.

Yeah I will have to look into something because I can't keep going on like this. I can see myself falling asleep in the car one of the mornings collecting them. Anytime I bring up anything like this to her all I get is I will see you in court. Might be the better option. At least things will be set in stone.
On the maintaince side of things I havn't been paying any because I have the kids more than she does and I feed them and buy all my own stuff for them..

groovyg

:eek: Op when do you get to sleep?? You need to get some decent rest otherwise you'll have a heart attack!!!
I assume the current set up is an informal arrangement set up between you and your ex but in the long run for your own health and wellbeing you are probably better off going down the legal route you can't keep doing what you are doing.

Egan2012

groovyg wrote: »

:eek: Op when do you get to sleep?? You need to get some decent rest otherwise you'll have a heart attack!!!
I assume the current set up is an informal arrangement set up between you and your ex but in the long run for your own health and wellbeing you are probably better off going down the legal route you can't keep doing what you are doing.

It is informal, It's just something I start doing when we split up. I was with them everyday since the day the two of them were born and it was just a big change. It's probably my own fault anyway for starting to do it in the first place. Say for instance I finished work at 5 this morning. Got to bed around half 5. Got up at 8.30 and collected them for nine. I am off work now tonight so I have them for the night. I will drop him to school in the morning and collect him after then give them dinner and then drop them home for 4 and head straight from there to work.
It is really catching up on me now the last couple of weeks. I'm doing it about 3 months now.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

You should apply for family mediation. Why can she not do school drop so you can sleep later, then drop little girl over to you at 1 or so?

Egan2012

Atlas Limited Shuffleboard wrote: »

You should apply for family mediation. Why can she not do school drop so you can sleep later, then drop little girl over to you at 1 or so?

I know she doesn't drive but that's not my problem really. She lives 10 minute walk from the town. Anytime I bring up some comprmise I am just shot down. She says she needs the break because the other kids are there. Again, I'm not been nasty but not my problem.

boombang

OP, you don't sound selfish, you sound like a hero!

I can't comment on how you should negotiate a change, but I think you shouldn't feel guilty about moving the arrangement to a more sustainable footing.

blackbird 49

I think you are being taken for a mug, it's great you actually want to see your children, but fair is fair and I don't see that here, what does she do all day if she doesn't go out to work, you say you would have them full time looks nearly that way as it is, I know it's none of your concern but do the other children's father/ father's take them like you take yours, I would definitely keep a diary every day, but you have to say something even if it means going to court, which I'm sure you don't want, Good luck

Sligo1

Egan, I remember previous posts of yours and I'm so sorry to hear you have split with your partner. It's really not healthy to be doing all this especially After everything you have been through. You are going to run yourself into the ground. And you really need to be minding yourself. Please seek some sort of mediation. I know this is probably a very hard Time for you and your ex... But you need to take care of yourself aswell as your children. I really hope things work out for you Egan.

Egan2012

Sligo1 wrote: »

Egan, I remember previous posts of yours and I'm so sorry to hear you have split with your partner. It's really not healthy to be doing all this especially After everything you have been through. You are going to run yourself into the ground. And you really need to be minding yourself. Please seek some sort of mediation. I know this is probably a very hard Time for you and your ex... But you need to take care of yourself aswell as your children. I really hope things work out for you Egan.

Yeah a lot of people have read previous posts of mine. I just think these things have a massive affect on a relationship. It was a hard few years. Things just went to boiling point then

Sligo1

Egan2012 wrote: »

Yeah a lot of people have read previous posts of mine. I just think these things have a massive affect on a relationship. It was a hard few years. Things just went to boiling point then

I can't even begin to imagine the effect it has had on you and your family. And I don't really have any advice to give . But I do hope things start looking up for you and wish you happier things ahead.

December2012

Would a compromise be for your daughter to go to a play school so you can have more sleep in the morning?

By compromise I mean it's not at alla compromise in the standard way, (your ex sounds very disagreeable by the way), but it does give you more time and avoid court.

Lola92

OP I really feel for you. Fair play for being such a proactive dad but at this stage you really need to take a step back and take care of yourself. You will run yourself into the ground if you continue at this rate. I would think a fair compromise would be picking up your daughter before you collect the young lad from school and drop them back before work. If your ex isnt working then she doesnt need you to take her all day. It is seriously dangerous for you to be driving the kids every morning after 3 hours of sleep. As for the weekends maybe 1 day at the weekend or every other weekend. You should have some time for yourself too!

Egan2012

December2012 wrote: »

Would a compromise be for your daughter to go to a play school so you can have more sleep in the morning?

By compromise I mean it's not at alla compromise in the standard way, (your ex sounds very disagreeable by the way), but it does give you more time and avoid court.

That's my first port of call is to have a compromise. I know what way its going to end up. She is starting playschool next year. She is 3 in July.

Egan2012

Lola92 wrote: »

OP I really feel for you. Fair play for being such a proactive dad but at this stage you really need to take a step back and take care of yourself. You will run yourself into the ground if you continue at this rate. I would think a fair compromise would be picking up your daughter before you collect the young lad from school and drop them back before work. If your ex isnt working then she doesnt need you to take her all day. It is seriously dangerous for you to be driving the kids every morning after 3 hours of sleep. As for the weekends maybe 1 day at the weekend or every other weekend. You should have some time for yourself too!

Yeah it is dangerous, It can be hard driving even though it's only 5 minutes from where I'm living.

The Princess Bride

Egan- I work a lot of night duty.
One thing I can guarantee, is that if you keep up that pace, you will end up ill.
And then you won't be fit to mind the children.

Would she consider every second day for taking your daughter in the mornings, then continuing to have both for the short few hours every afternoon until you go to work?
It's difficult enough trying to sleep during the day, without all the breaks in your sleep pattern.

Crazy situation for you- best of luck.

Egan2012

Hi guys. Just an update on my situation. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to her about paying maintainace. I just don't know how much to give for two kids. She has also told her solicitor that I have paid nothing to her since September and she wants it back dated. September was the original date we split up and then we got back together. We split up again in February. She is just been nasty now. I still have have the kids every day and over night twice a week. She won't talk to me about maintainace and she won't accept any. She won't give me her bank details because there would be a record of me paying it. I haven't paid any for the simple reason I have the kids all day everyday. She spends about 3 hours with them in the evenings and then puts them to bed. Maybe I'm wrong but why should I pay maintainace when I'm looking after them. It would make things so much easier if I just had full custody of my kids. All my family would be here to help.

zeffabelli

Egan2012 wrote: »

Hi guys. Just an update on my situation. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to her about paying maintainace. I just don't know how much to give for two kids. She has also told her solicitor that I have paid nothing to her since September and she wants it back dated. September was the original date we split up and then we got back together. We split up again in February. She is just been nasty now. I still have have the kids every day and over night twice a week. She won't talk to me about maintainace and she won't accept any. She won't give me her bank details because there would be a record of me paying it. I haven't paid any for the simple reason I have the kids all day everyday. She spends about 3 hours with them in the evenings and then puts them to bed. Maybe I'm wrong but why should I pay maintainace when I'm looking after them. It would make things so much easier if I just had full custody of my kids. All my family would be here to help.

WHat are the hours every day?

Maintenance is paid to the residential/custodial parent. It is not usually done on how many days who has them and when, other wise parentes like myself who have them 365 days a year would get compensatory manintnance.

Egan2012

zeffabelli wrote: »

WHat are the hours every day?

Maintenance is paid to the residential/custodial parent. It is not usually done on how many days who has them and when, other wise parentes like myself who have them 365 days a year would get compensatory manintnance.

I know I have to pay her maintainace I'm just saying it doesn't make sense when I have them all the time. I take the kids at 9 in the morning and drop them home at 4 and then I go to work. I also keep them over night twice a week.

zeffabelli

Egan2012 wrote: »

I know I have to pay her maintainace I'm just saying it doesn't make sense when I have them all the time. I take the kids at 9 in the morning and drop them home at 4 and then I go to work. I also keep them over night twice a week.

There is no way to calculate all this here. No one knows the costs of your kids, like music lessons for example or any kind of extra curriculars, tutoring costs, educational costs.... clothing, etc... do you each but your own sets of things or does one person buy them and then they get shared...

too many details and unknows. You need to hammer this out with a mediator.

Egan2012

Ok so guys. I'm back. I was at a solicitor today and and sat for an hour and a half talking to her. She then came to the conclusion she couldn't do anything for me. So I have an appointment again tomorrow with a different one. My head is caved in from all this. All I want to do is look after my kids because I think their welfare is at stake. What do I do??

Jasper79

Egan2012 wrote: »

Ok so guys. I'm back. I was at a solicitor today and and sat for an hour and a half talking to her. She then came to the conclusion she couldn't do anything for me. So I have an appointment again tomorrow with a different one. My head is caved in from all this. All I want to do is look after my kids because I think their welfare is at stake. What do I do??

you need to find a solicitor that specializes in Family law, alternatively get in touch with FLAC, http://www.flac.ie/ they may be able to give you some guidance.

You can't function on 3 hours sleep, and shouldn't be having the kids all that time , your ex is playing you for a fool.

PLL

Your a hero OP! Your kids will grow up appreciating everything their dad does for them. I grew up up a with a selfish mother and a wonderful father who has a heart of gold like yourself. Don't worry about not seeing your kids as much, my dad lived in a different country when I was growing up and he was and still is my rock. I even moved country to live with him when I was 18. It is the quality not quantity of the time you spend with them.

Egan2012

Thanks guys. I'm just worried about the welfare of them. Their mother is hanging out with the wrong people. Just for instance I contacted her last Friday to try and talk and sort out maintainace payments and proper arrangements. She flew off the handle and refused to talk about it. I kept the kids all day Friday and Friday night. All day Saturday and Saturday night. When I dropped the kids back on Sunday at the arranged time I went into the house. The rest of her kids were out side playing while she was in bed and there was her brother asleep in the sitting room and cousin was asleep in the spare room. I took my to kids and walked out. They didn't even know I was in the house. When o rang her after leaving she said she was out the back. She want because I checked upstairs and she was asleep. They were all on the beer Saturday night. So if this is what's going on she is in for a long battle.