Lonely, Dad's an alcoholic and paranoid.

LegacyUser

I feel horrible.

I'm going to just get straight into this.. So my dad used to be an alcoholic and has been depressed/really paranoid for the last four years I'd say.. I'm in college now so I have moved away from home thankfully so I have a bit of a break from it. Anyways I rarely go home due to the way my dad is but I went home last weekend and Dad got really drunk Saturday night for the first time since he finally gave up the drink.. He was off drink for about a year and a half after many years of trying to get off it. It's only just hit me now how bad this is and I feel so so sad and worried and angry about it. Now he's drinking again and still depressed and paranoid.

I constantly have these memories coming back that are related to dads alcoholism and paranoia and things he has done due to both of these things. I have so many of them in my mind as I'm typing this. I won't go into detail of things that have happened due to dads paranoia but they are very bad..

I'm so sorry if this is really incoherent but I'm typing really fast because I'm trying to block out the memories that I can tell are coming back.

I have one friend in college that I live with and I think we're friends anyways.. I told him about my Dad's paranoia but I haven't told him many of the things he has done due to his paranoia.. It felt like a huge weight was being took off me when I was talking to him about it. I can't even describe the sense of relief that I felt to talk to someone about it. I don't really want to tell him any of the very bad things dad has done due to his paranoia because I don't think it'd be very fair on him having to even here it.

I can't go to the counsellor in college because I literally can't go in the door. I've walked up to it loads of times but I just can't bring myself to go in. This probably makes no sense but I feel like I'm living half a life. As in half the time I'm just thinking about all the horrible things I've witnessed growing up and then the other half of the time I'm trying to live my life.

I wish I could have someone to talk to about this because I feel so alone all of the time and I feel like no one cares about me that much. I am so scared and I'm absolutely dreading summer as I'll have to go home until college again in September.

I don't know if talking to the friend I live with about it is a good idea, we only know each other a few months and I don't want to freak him out but to be honest there's no other person I could talk to.

I don't know what to do or how to make this better? Can it even be made better?

Sleepless and Manic

problemsaplenty wrote: »

I can't go to the counsellor in college because I literally can't go in the door.

Poor lad. But i'm afraid the counsellor is a very good place to start getting yourself together.

They are there to talk to. They are trained to help. They will have resources to help you. They will be someone you can talk too about anything and they will understand and be able to give advice.

So take it one step at a time, try not to be overwhelmed by everything.

Make that first step and go in that door.

LegacyUser

i feel your pain. My husband is also paranoid and a alcoholic, and my son. I feel so hopeless sometimes, we never have a normal day in our house. Everything revolves around alcohol and their illness. I feel they could not cope if I left them so I think it is great that you don't live with your dad any more. I totally agree - go to the counsellor. It will do you the world of good to talk objectively about your issues. Friends can only cope with so much, they may not want to hear all the gory details. At least you can talk to the counsellor and know that you are not overburdening them.
The main thing is to take care of yourself, both your physical and mental health. I know, it can feel very stressful for you right now, but it's really important to take care of the basics so that you can function OK in college - sleep, food, exercise etc.
Take care.

jimmyRotator

If sharing your experience with your college friend gave you some relief, you could look at the support group Al-Anon, which is a support group formed to help family of alcoholics. There you will be able to listen to like-minded people share their experiences, and it will also help your loneliness.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/Dublin%20meetings.htm

LegacyUser

problemsaplenty wrote: »

I can't go to the counsellor in college because I literally can't go in the door. I've walked up to it loads of times but I just can't bring myself to go in.

As difficult as it might be to take that first step through that door and start talking, think of this....

problemsaplenty wrote: »

It felt like a huge weight was being took off me when I was talking to him about it. I can't even describe the sense of relief that I felt to talk to someone about it.

It won't be easy to start, but the evidence is already there to show you'll be very glad when you do. It won't solve all the problems, but it'll at least be a really good start and you will feel better for doing it.

P. Breathnach

I just want to pick up on a particular detail: you don't want to "freak out" your room-mate. That's sensible. You should not impose too much on a relatively new friend.

But I suggest that you talk to him again. Thank him for listening to you; tell him it was a great help to you; say that you now believe that seeing the college counsellor would be good for you; and ask his help in psyching yourself up to go to the counselling service.

LegacyUser

So sorry to hear of your situation OP, it sounds like life has been pretty tough for you. I really think you could benefit from talking to someone and building up a support network for yourself, if you are finding the thought of going to the college counsellor too daunting right now then how about joining a support group? There is a support group especially for adult children of alcoholic parents called ACOA, they have meetings in a few places across the country, I know you would probably feel very nervous going but at least you would know everyone there understands and has been in your shoes. You can just go along and not talk but simply listen until you feel more comfortable - there is no pressure. Here is the list of meetings for Ireland: http://www.allone.com/12/aca/

Regarding going back home for the summer - is there any other options available for you, could you get a summer job and stay in a house share? Have you checked with your college to see if they have any jobs going for the summer so that you don't have to go home? Could you work for the summer in a touristy town in Ireland like Killarney where there would be cheap accommodation options?

You asked can this be made better. I can assure you that life can be better for you OP. Its not easy and it won't happen overnight but you are studying to get a decent job so you can move out permanently and have control over your contact with your father. When you have a support network and your own independence you can choose to visit and leave whenever you want. He will not have the power anymore, you will have options and choices. If I was you I would put all the effort I could into concentrating on the studies and building yourself up again by going to counselling and a support group. Best of luck OP.

MrWalsh

You poor divil. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the living half a life thing. I used to be the same.

Alanon is great. When I first went I thought I was going because my Dad was an alcoholic and that theyd help me figure out how to help him. Turns out it was all about helping ME. You can go and just listen, it helps even hearing from other people who understand and have a similar shared experience.

Please go to Alanon, its an anonymous hour that could change your life.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to reply..

There's no way I can go to the counsellor in college. I know I should but I just can't. I really really do want to but I can't.

I can't go to the AlAnon place either because that's like going to the counsellor as in it'd involve talking about how messed up my life is to someone I don't know face to face.

I've decided I'm not going to mention it to the lad I live with again because it's probably way too weird of a thing to even have to hear..

I'm sorry for basically not being able to do any of the things suggested but I just can't talk to someone I don't know about it and especially a counsellor in college. I'm not even sure if things I'd say to them about my life would go on my record or something? If that even happens.

To be honest I don't see this getting any better. I'm only in 1st year of college so probably have at least 3 more summers of having to live at home. I spent weeks alone by myself in the house I live in for college straight after Christmas and even being alone like that was better than being at home with Dad.

I feel so bad and I just don't know how to make it better.

convert

Unfortunately I can't give you any advice as to how rondeau with your situation, but would you consider going to a student advisor, if your college/uni has one? They're not counsellors Or health professionals, but they are people to whom you can go to get advice and things off your chest. It would be a good first step for you.

orthsquel

Going even to a college counsellor is a daunting task when you're used to coping alone... I spent quite a lot of days threading the floor near the SU area where the counsellor was in at the time, a difficult situation I faced where I felt really lonely and isolated and at a loss with what to do with myself and the situation.
I have the impression you are afraid of delving into the past memories and what has happened at home because you don't really want to have to put yourself through re-living it. Because you want to move on and forget about it. Opening the counsellor's door is opening the door to all that and that is opening up pain and something horrible as well as letting others know about what you've kept hidden, but has kept you burdened and isolated in dealing with it.
I've never been good at asking for help. But over the years I've got better at asking for help. People do care, even when you least expect someone to.
One day I did manage to pluck up the courage to make that appointment, open the counsellor's door and talk to them. What I remember of it, it's a blur. I explained what was wrong in a mixture of feeling embarrassed and in tears, feeling vulnerable and exposed... and they consoled me and found a way to help me. I felt silly but I felt I was no longer carrying a huge burden. And I've learned too, that over the years the longer you keep things locked up and hidden away, the more burdened you can feel and the more daunting it is to even try and do something about it. But when you do, when you do finally start dealing with it, it's a positive life change. Once I was alone on issues, now I am not.

The day you stand at the counsellor's door, you are 1. alone.
The day you open that counsellor's door and walk through, you are 2. a team. and that will grow and you will grow from it, with all the help there is and it won't seem all scary or unfixable anymore, it will be easier because you will have support and people who will help and things will start to get better for you.

And I believe you can open the door and walk through, and I believe you will.

Dee01

If being identified is one of your major concerns, Would you consider something more anonymous OP? Maybe a phone line that u can call like the Samaritans or something similar? If your concerned about being identified, you can use a pay phone?

I think the fact that you felt such relief when you spoke to someone means getting more off your chest will benefit you greatly.

Is there any possibility that you can stay away from home even during holidays? Maybe If you got a part time job it might give you the excuse you need to remain away from home?

MrWalsh

problemsaplenty wrote: »

I can't go to the AlAnon place either because that's like going to the counsellor as in it'd involve talking about how messed up my life is to someone I don't know face to face.

No, no, Alanon isnt like that at all. You can go and just listen and not talk at all for as long as you want. Thats what I went intending to do.

When I got there and I heard from other people who were experiencing the same and worse than me my story actually came bursting out of me, but lots of people go and dont talk for a long time or even at all. There is help in just being in a place with people who understand and hearing the things that work for people - you learn the tools to deal with the situation even if you never say anything.

There is usually a bit of a mingle at the end too and you end up getting to know people a bit so you can talk to them once you get to know them a bit. Or you can leg it and not mingle at all!

All the meetings are different too so you could try a couple of different ones to see if any appealed more than others?

But the main thing is that its a very gentle program where no pressure AT ALL is put on anyone in the room and if you are asked if you want to say something and you dont want to you just have to say "no thank you, Id rather listen" and thats totally fine. There is no judgement, there is no pressure and there is no expectation on you to contribute anything more than your presence.

patjack

problemsaplenty wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to reply..

There's no way I can go to the counsellor in college. I know I should but I just can't. I really really do want to but I can't.

I can't go to the AlAnon place either because that's like going to the counsellor as in it'd involve talking about how messed up my life is to someone I don't know face to face.

I've decided I'm not going to mention it to the lad I live with again because it's probably way too weird of a thing to even have to hear..

I'm sorry for basically not being able to do any of the things suggested but I just can't talk to someone I don't know about it and especially a counsellor in college. I'm not even sure if things I'd say to them about my life would go on my record or something? If that even happens.

To be honest I don't see this getting any better. I'm only in 1st year of college so probably have at least 3 more summers of having to live at home. I spent weeks alone by myself in the house I live in for college straight after Christmas and even being alone like that was better than being at home with Dad.

I feel so bad and I just don't know how to make it better.

Hi OP,

I can definitely relate to your posts on here, I have been there and it is particularly tough while you are in school and college. And you don't enjoy life during these times, looking back at my secondary and college education I can't honestly say that I enjoyed too much of it.

And like you it's because of my Dad's alcoholism and his behaviour and paranoia. My Dad is off the drink a good number of years now, what has stopped is the violence towards my mother, but emotional, financial abuse is still there and so is the paranoia.

I also know exactly how you feel regards counselling, I didn't go to counselling until lately as in the past few months, I am finished college 8/9 years now.

I wouldn't have gone to the counsellor first day except my partner came with me. I feel like I can definitely give you some important advice, and ways to get your head straight until you decide you need counselling.

If you have a normal profile on here, please pm me and I will provide you with information regards my situation, how we got through it and coping mechanisms which are applicable for now and forever because living in your situation isn't easy, and it never leaves you.
But there are ways of getting it off your chest and feeling better about yourself and your life.

Getting it off your chest can be hard, and it's not just once off, you have to vent that anger and one thing I have learn't is that it is ok to vent that anger and it's perfectly right to be angry.

I know that in an alcoholics house, they apportion their guilt and depression onto those around them. Alcoholics are extremely selfish people, and I won't apologise for that remark to anyone. Usually their addiction to alcohol is as a result of another underlying issue or problem, rarely is an alcoholic's problem just alcohol. Alcohol can mask the other issue or problem but it also exacerbates the alcoholics behaviour.

I know full well your situation and I know that I am not a counsellor but I am also very confident having been through and still going through what you describe that you can feel better about things and enjoy life more.

At the moment the best advice I can give you is to be selfish! Sounds silly, but someone like you who has been through what you have and going through what you are going through is actually incapable of being selfish. You are constantly worrying about others. So by you feeling selfish you are not actually being selfish but being normal.

I wish you the best OP and I really, really hope things get better and if you ever need advice or thought on a matter. PM me.

The good thing is you are aware of how you are feeling and why you might be feeling that way. A lot of people "normalise" the situation and it's very easy to become desensitised.

You may feel like you can't visit a counsellor, but the fact you came on here, shows you are willing to do something about it. Fair play to you.

Us Irish are wonderful at covering things up, keeping things inhouse.

Chin up OP, be proud of what you've tolerated and put up it, it does make you stronger. (Although it's no consolation that you have to go through it to become stronger)

I am mad reading this, because I will never understand why people put their own through this torment.

Anyway OP, always be conscious of your feelings and try express them to someone or express them somewhere. If you do pick up the courage to get some counselling do a bit of research try find one who is highly recommended. I have been to two, chalk and cheese. Both beneficial but one an awful lot better than the other.

College's usually have good set-ups in this regard, I wasn't as far along as you are in terms of knowledge of what I was feeling in college so didn't avail of their services and I think they are possibly free.

So if you do eventually gather up the courage, try this free service first and see if you get anything from it. If you don't get anything from it don't despair try a different counsellor, I can guarantee you that there is one out there who can help immensely with your situation.

I have only been to 6 maybe 7 sessions, the first few were like a huge weight lifted, although they do bring a lot of anger to the surface also. The last few, I have been like, jeeny I don't really need to go today but when I did I felt even better again.

What it did for me was it it vindicated my anger, acknowledged what i had been through and basically reassured me that what I was feeling was normal, very normal.

Best of luck OP, feel free to PM, but I can tell you that because your awareness you'll get there, eventually. Well done.

patjack

orthsquel wrote: »

Going even to a college counsellor is a daunting task when you're used to coping alone... I spent quite a lot of days threading the floor near the SU area where the counsellor was in at the time, a difficult situation I faced where I felt really lonely and isolated and at a loss with what to do with myself and the situation.
I have the impression you are afraid of delving into the past memories and what has happened at home because you don't really want to have to put yourself through re-living it. Because you want to move on and forget about it. Opening the counsellor's door is opening the door to all that and that is opening up pain and something horrible as well as letting others know about what you've kept hidden, but has kept you burdened and isolated in dealing with it.
I've never been good at asking for help. But over the years I've got better at asking for help. People do care, even when you least expect someone to.
One day I did manage to pluck up the courage to make that appointment, open the counsellor's door and talk to them. What I remember of it, it's a blur. I explained what was wrong in a mixture of feeling embarrassed and in tears, feeling vulnerable and exposed... and they consoled me and found a way to help me. I felt silly but I felt I was no longer carrying a huge burden. And I've learned too, that over the years the longer you keep things locked up and hidden away, the more burdened you can feel and the more daunting it is to even try and do something about it. But when you do, when you do finally start dealing with it, it's a positive life change. Once I was alone on issues, now I am not.

The day you stand at the counsellor's door, you are 1. alone.
The day you open that counsellor's door and walk through, you are 2. a team. and that will grow and you will grow from it, with all the help there is and it won't seem all scary or unfixable anymore, it will be easier because you will have support and people who will help and things will start to get better for you.

And I believe you can open the door and walk through, and I believe you will.

100% Orthsquel, fair play well put, sound advice.