Trouble at home - not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Hi all. Just looking for a bit of advice about something going on in my home life. I'm 23. About 4 weeks ago now, I got into a fight with my mum's partner, who is also the father of my little sister. Basically, he had come back from the pub after what I can assume was a good few drinks, and I was really under pressure trying to get college work done for the next day (I'm in my final year)

I usually bring my sister to an after school activity, about 10 minutes drive away, but on this day I was just so under pressure and panicking that I didn't offer. I think my mum understood this because she didn't ask me either. So she walked with my sister and the dog. I didn't think it was a really big deal as she's pretty active, it was dark but not bad weather. Anyway as she's getting my sister ready, I can hear her partner cursing about me in the next room. Saying why is my mum walking when i'm 'sitting on my f*cking hole in the kitchen all day doing nothing.' My mum was responding that I was busy and that it was fine. She leaves. He proceeds to come into the kitchen, slamming plates down, slamming press doors closed, cursing under his breath. He puts on his jacket and shouts at me to wash all the dishes. I just flipped, couldn't really handle his attitude anymore and the way he was making me feel in my own home. He made me so nervous I couldn't look up from my computer, and I was not really able to stop the tears. So I said i'd do it when I got a chance, that I was really busy. Then he flipped, and it turned into a screaming match of me telling him he had no right to treat me this way. I said I had loads of work to do and he responded that 'he didn't give a f*ck about my work.

He didn't come back with my mum as he went to the pub again. When he came back later that night, he then started fighting with her. I could hear him calling me a f*cking bitch, saying he didn't do anything wrong and at one point he actually threatened to leave. At this point, I was completely angry at myself for starting this crap as now my mum was bearing the brunt of it.

Since then, we haven't spoken a word. They seemed to go back to normal the next day, and he's ignored me ever since. I have tried to instigate talking, (the next day he was sitting in the kitchen with his sister and i looked at them both and said hello), but he is not willing to address me at all it seems. Now i'm at the point where I feel really uncomfortable being at home. If I put my plate down for a second after dinner without washing it, I can feel him watching me and hear him huffing. I'm not actually a bad person, i'm trying to best to do well in college to try and get a good job. I don't have any personal space at home as I share a room with my 2 sisters, so I don't even have a desk to work at, which forces me to work at the kitchen table. I do lots of favours for my family as i'm the only one who drives, it was just on this one occasion that I was under so much pressure I had to keep going with my work.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on what to do in this situation? I've tried to instigate conversation but he's not interested. Me and my mum don't really talk about issues or whatever so I feel a bit awkward raising it with her. I'd just like to point out as well that this isn't the first time he goes off for the whole day drinking and then comes back in a rotten humour - he kind of does it about once a week. He's usually pretty hard to tolerate when he does this, and on this particular day I just snapped. Also, he has no respect for the fact that I am in college trying to educate myself for a better future. He said to my sister that she wouldn't be wasting her time going to college after school, that she would be out working, so this is what I'm dealing with. Now I feel like I should never have opened my mouth because it's just painfully uncomfortable being at home. I am quite an anxious person anyway so this is just making things worse.

Thanks for reading

DUB0207-old

Your poor thing! A 23yo male sharing a room with 2 younger girls... totally unacceptable!

Does your mother work?! Either way, you MUST speak to her.

You didn't ask for a father figure (although he more of step parent from hell, not a role model). Your mother made a conscious decision to bring this man home therefore she has to take responsability for the grief he is causing you.

His attitude towards education stinks!

I am sorry to say but I'll not be surprised if to avoid confrontation you end up 'forced' out of what should be your home

Thinking of you... Best of luck!

zoobizoo

Is there a local library where you can go and get your work done?

sadie06

DUB0207 wrote: »

Your poor thing! A 23yo male sharing a room with 2 younger girls... totally unacceptable!

I'm pretty sure OP is female.

OP, well done on doing your part to move on from the incident and get on with things. You sound like a diligent worker and a considerate person also.

The problem is that you felt genuine fear during the incident and you already know the drinking and mood is a regular happening. That can't go unspoken of.

You simply must talk to your mother, at a quiet time, no drama. Explain that you are doing your best and have a clear eye on the future but that you can't tolerate that treatment from her partner, particularly when it veers into intimidation.

In terms of your future, look to it! You won't be there forever. Keep working hard! Hopefully you will look back on all of this as an obstacle you had to overcome.

foleypio

OP,

Sorry to hear about your situation. He sounds like a handful & it sounds like a fairly toxic atmosphere.

If I was you I would focus for the next few months on finishing my studies & do my best to ignore him. Is there a local library, etc. that you could go to that would give you the space you need to study properly?

After your course is finished, you'll hopefully find work then & can do whatever you like, find a place of your own, become more independent. This should change the dynamic of your relationship with your stepdad & I would be surprised if he doesnt start showing you more respect as a result.

Obviously, a family man who drinks for a whole day once a week needs a serious attitude re-adjustment & a dose of cop on

DUB0207-old

sadie06 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure OP is female

Good point! Make sense... It didnt cross my mind because as strange at it may sound I known of a fairly 'famous' actress who at the age of 28yrs old was still sharing a bedroom with her brother (they live outside the EU).

OP, the way to go is to sit down and have an honest talk to your mother, as previous posters mentioned.

Keep the focus on your studies, the hard work will pay off eventually... Stay strong!

Rubberchikken

While i think yourom realises what type of person her partner is, i think she has a responsibility to her children.
Speak to her. This person has no right to behave like he is. It doesn't matter that he's your sister's dad, he's behaving in a totally unacceptable way.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to talk to him or showing him any fear. The man is a bully and has no right to speak to you or anyone like he has.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you need someone to sort this out, it's not your responsibility.

Take care

secman

Keep your head down and get your degree, it's your mother I pity as you will be on a position over the next 3- 5 years to leave the home, your mother on the other hand is stuck with this cretin. .. best of luck with your finals.

orthsquel

Firstly I don't think you really have anything to feel awful about and you certainly were not responsible for the fight between you and your mother's partner, or the fight between your mother and him. Most likely you were the convenient target of some other issue he has with himself, probably the fact he wasn't there for his daughter and partner when the old reliable you wasn't, or some other issue that has really nothing to do with you.
He did go into the kitchen to deliberately provoke you. He wanted a fight with you and he was going to do anything to provoke one. He is of course quite satisfied with the result because it will prove to him that you are like him and can be knocked down to his level.

I sense he is threatened by you and what you represent to him, someone on a path to success, education, prospects, a good person, who is there for family, when he is a very different path. I would not be surprised if altercations like this and his behaviour escalates to drive you out of the house, so that he is not reminded of the bad qualities he has or actually, his own failures.

I could be completely wrong of course, but whatever of this person's behaviour, don't let his behaviour bring you down to his level even if he repeatedly provokes you and don't let him demotivate you from your studies and stop you from living your life. In my experience people who act similar to how he is acting want to squash you like an insect and stop you achieving anything in life just so you never achieve more than what they have, just so that they can see themselves in a better light in comparison (i.e. rather than acknowledging you in the future as a graduate, he'd be more comfortable seeing you as a college drop out on the dole, as it gives him security and self esteem).

As regards your mother.... that's tricky. She is also his partner and he is the father of her daughter, while she may be aware that he might be the problem, she is unlikely to get involved as otherwise she is dragged into a compromised situation where you are a wedge between herself and her partner and he is a wedge between you her daughter and herself as a mother. The more realistic outcome is that she would pick partner over adult daughter if she was forced to choose sides, even if she herself bares the brunt of his behaviour.

You've given him the chance to behave like an adult and be civil. He has not reciprocated. Leave him sulk while you get on with your own life. If events in the future (holidays, trips, weekends, birthdays, etc) get spoiled, don't let it be because of you and how you treat him or how you react to him. In other words, keep being civil towards him and show him that you won't reciprocate his childish and manipulative (if not abusive on an emotional level) behaviour.

The only control you have in this situation is your own actions and reactions. He will only want to provoke a reaction from you that makes you out to be the bad guy and will always try to assign blame for a negative situation to you. That can only be validated and be perceived by others so long as you react to him in the way he wants you to react, such as engaging in a fight with him. Don't let him drag you down to his level.

JAMES VI

That's a <SNIP> situation. I really feel for you. Focus on you. Better days are ahead!!!!

LegacyUser

OP here again. First of all I just wanted to say i'm really grateful for you all taking the time to reply. The reassurance from you guys that I wasn't really acting out of order by standing up for myself really helps because I have been second-guessing myself about it ever since.

I am female yeah so I share a room with my 2 sisters at the moment. In terms of doing my work, I can go to the library except for Sundays so it is workable! It just isn't a nice feeling to actively avoid going home but it is worth it to get a bit of work done in peace.

I can't remember if I said in my OP but this is really the first time anything has come to blows with him since he moved in about 6 years ago so I think he was really used to pushing his weight and not having anyone call him up on it!

I will talk to my mum about it if the situation deteriorates. As some of you have said, my mum is in a bit of a tricky spot and I really don't want to put an extra pressure on her as she already has lots on her plate. I am just keeping up with being civil around him. I look after my sisters and I help my mum so I don't owe him anything. I just hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home - it's something that is new to me. My goal is to just keep trying to power through. No one in my family has ever gone to college before so I think sometimes there is a lack of understanding on how much work is required at certain times of the year or whatever - they don't have any experience of final year projects and stuff being due. I'm working really hard and am getting good grades so I have to keep focused on that to hopefully then be able to move out and get a job once I finish this year.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice and support! It is more appreciated than I can express here in words!

Shrap

I've no advice for you OP beyond what others have said and what you're already doing to try and live with the situation, but I'd like to commend you on your fantastic work-ethic and the example that you're showing your sisters. When you have your degree and have moved on, they'll be referring to how you went to college and worked so hard and may manage to stand their ground with the step dad who thinks college is "a waste of time". Well done you. All the best of luck with your exams.

Stavro Mueller

Got to agree 1000% with Shrap. I think you're really great to be bettering yourself like this especially when you come from the background you've described. With the sort of drive and commitment you've shown to date, I've a feeling you're going to do very well for yourself. What makes me sad though is what lies in store for your two sisters. Luckily for you, you were old enough to know your own mind by the time he came into your life. Your sisters aren't going to have this chance and the worry is that neither of them will go on to further education. He sounds like an odious bully and I wonder how happy your mother actually is with him.

I think you would be better off talking to your mum about this as soon as you can. He might've already told her about this and put his own spin on it. I think she needs to know what happened before he twists it to his advantage and makes you out to be the baddie of the piece.

bp

Agree with all of the above. He may also feel inadequate that you are doing something he could never do (college) and will have and be able to provide a better life for you family and doesn't know how to handle the situation - that in his eyes you will be better than him. Also you can drive, something else he cannot do.

Not sure if the above is the case but worth a thought. Anyway not defending him, I say fair play you and he needs to grow up

You are doing great so keep working on that degree :-)

jimd2

Hi OP,
I am sorry to hear about this. You dont deserve this hassle and you are displaying excellent resilience in pursuing your goals.

My advice is, you are 23 you are an adult. You should be listened to and treated like an adult in your house. Your mum has a responsibility to you. You mentioned that ye rarely talk about this stuff. Well, this is what needs to change. Do something like the following
1. Speak to your mum, say you need to talk to HER about the situation.
2. In your conversation, make your points clearly and calmly as you have made them here.
3. I assume that she will agree that you need to be able to focus on studies not under this cloud.
4. Ask her to speak to her partner and for the three of you to set aside time to talk through difficulties with a view to the partner accepting your need for study time and that you are not lazing about.
5. Sit down with her an d partner as mentioned.

You should speak in the first instance to your mum straight away.

Remember, you are an adult but at the same time your mum has a responsibility considering she has introduced the partner and that point needs to get across to her.

Miaireland

Hi OP,

I am sorry I have nothing really to add to what others said but just wanted to send you my best wishes and best of luck in the exams.

One thing that struck me while reading this is maybe he is jealous of you achieving things like going to college etc. I am not excusing his behaviour by any means but maybe this might explain it.

Chemical Byrne

This step father of yours is clearly jealous that you want to get ahead and be successful in life. Saying that your sister won't be wasting her time on college - wow, just wow. That is such a backward attitute and I feel sorry for your sister.

He sounds like a complete scumbag, but I'm sure you already know that.

Also what is going with him and you would appear to be a textbook example of Cinderalla Syndrome. Google it.