So confused... ex wants to meet up

HoneyBee78

Ok so was with my ex for a year, we split up a couple of times for different reasons, I was just out of a LTR before seeing him, he had issues of his own, depression, bi polar. We finally finished before Christmas and i promised myself I wouldn't let myself go through that pain again. He tried to reconcile for the next month or 2 but I was adamant I wouldn't go back there. I stopped all contact with him.
Then a couple of weeks ago I find out he's seeing a girl (must have gotten over me fairly quick) I didn't get in touch I just left things as they were and tried getting on with my life. Until yesterday, I get a text from him, he thought I was in a new relationship so he text to say he was happy for me and glad I was moving on and I was looking good etc etc. I shouldn't have replied but I did. We ended up talking on the phone for hours about how we wished things had turned out differently between us and we still missed each other. He said he'll always be there for me if I'm ever in trouble. I know its wrong to be texting as he now has a girlfriend but I don't know why he is texting me. He wants to meet up later today to talk, I don't know what to do? My head says no but my heart misses him.
My head tells me he knows how to play me and tell me what I want to hear but I know I deserve better than him, there were a lot of issues in the past but he always had a way of getting me to go back to him. Although saying all of this, maybe he just does want a chat, after all he has a girlfriend so maybe I'm reading too much into it.
So what do you do with exes? Stay friends or cut contact.

HelgaWard

Cut contact. You broke up for a reason. Leave the past in the past. Wish him well and move on.

giggle84

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

My head says no but my heart misses him.
My head tells me he knows how to play me and tell me what I want to hear but I know I deserve better than him, there were a lot of issues in the past but he always had a way of getting me to go back to him. Although saying all of this, maybe he just does want a chat, after all he has a girlfriend so maybe I'm reading too much into it.
So what do you do with exes? Stay friends or cut contact.

Cut contact.

If he wants to get back with you he should break up with his girlfriend first and show you that's he's serious about you. But I would tend to ignore that even if he did, you say you know you deserve better so listen to your gut on that one.

I think it can be possible (rare but possible) to be friends with an ex but only way down the line when both people have completely moved on. Clearly that isn't the case here.

Sleepless and Manic

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

i promised myself I wouldn't let myself go through that pain again. He tried to reconcile for the next month or 2 but I was adamant I wouldn't go back there. I stopped all contact with him.

My head says no but my heart misses him.

So what do you do with exes? Stay friends or cut contact.

Oh its so hard to say isnt it?

But generally, for me, personally...

Two or three months isnt very long at all. Again for me personally a relationship entered into right after a breakup is more of a kind of "first aid" move than a serious relationship.

Which means re-kindling contact with your ex, with the assumption you've both "moved on" doesnt seem entirely accurate.

Just me though...

stargazer 68

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Until yesterday, I get a text from him, he thought I was in a new relationship so he text to say he was happy for me and glad I was moving on and I was looking good etc etc. I shouldn't have replied but I did.

This is why he text OP!! Cut contact and don't meet up. Its not fair on his new GF or you. Time to move on properly!

HoneyBee78

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Oh its so hard to say isnt it?

But generally, for me, personally...

Two or three months isnt very long at all. Again for me personally a relationship entered into right after a breakup is more of a kind of "first aid" move than a serious relationship.

Which means re-kindling contact with your ex, with the assumption you've both "moved on" doesnt seem entirely accurate.

Just me though...

I thought I'd moved on I kept myself busy trying new hobbies and making new friends.
I hated him after our BU, we both said a lot of hurtful things to each other. Then the minute he sees pics of me on fb obviously looking happy and assumes I'm in a new relationship he gets in touch to apologise and wish me well and one thing after another now he wants to meet up for a chat!

Now I've let him back into my head and I cant decide what's for the best.

tinz18

To be honest OP from my perspective it looks as if he's trying to mess with your head. In my experience, these texts out of the blue always come when it appears to the ex (generally through social media) that you're moving on in life and getting back to a happy life without them... they can't deal with being forgotten so they decide to remind you.

Go back to cutting contact, if you think he might do this everytime you post a happy picture on fb then block him from seeing your new photos if not completely from your page. No good can come from meeting up with him, he's got a gf and it doesn't currently sound like ye could be platonic friends.

DeltaWhite

Ok... to me, it looks like classic "get inside your head" behaviour. And it worked.

Don't try to be friends with this guy. I don't think that's what his game plan is.. Keeping you jealous or on the long finger is what it looks like to me. You shouldn't even give him the satisfaction of looking at your Facebook.. You should have him blocked. Not knowing anything about what you're doing in your life would drive him mad more.

I think you should rip off the plaster so to speak. Move on with your own life and don't worry about his, there's a reason why you didn't pander to his requests for a month or 2 at Christmas to get back with him. Listen to your own reason!

HoneyBee78

I do have him blocked, a mutual friend posted the picture.

I think a part of me misses the old him and wishes he could go back to that but I have a feeling he's playing games and wants to test the waters & see if I would go running back to him, a control thing he's very good at picking up on these things, we met when I was at my most vulnerable.

Big Bag of Chips

He didn't know or think you were in a relationship. He texted you get a reaction.

You have broken up with him more than once. And there were probably plenty of times that you thought about breaking up but didn't. Relationships aren't meant to be a never-ending cycle of break-up make-up. If you did get back with him, how long do you think it would last this time? Have the reasons you broke up (numerous times) been worked out? How would things be different this time around?

You're supposed to be happy, secure, confident in a relationship. You're supposed to feel settled. A year long relationship with more than one breakup along the way isn't good. Let him go. Tell him not to contact you again. And block his number.

HoneyBee78

He assumed I was seeing someone as he seen pics on facebook. So he's either jealous that he's seen me happy without him or he's realised he misses me?

He's been texting me ever since, he has finished things with the girlfriend and wants us to give things another go. Its been on my mind all week, there are so many reasons I shouldn't but I also still miss him. Why are we drawn to our exes when we know we should never look back? So confused...

DeltaWhite

A friend once said to me and I found to be true "an EX is called an EX because they are an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in your future"


This is your life OP, not my place to tell you what to do I am a stranger on the net but I will say this, the first year of a relationship is supposed to be a happy time, kind of like the honeymoon period, not full of breakups! The fact that you broke up on and off in your first year with him, is kind of a sign of what the future will be. It didnt work the first time, what makes you think it will work this time? I'm just trying to get you to see past him and think outside the box. I personally took an ex back time and time and TIME again and he almost ruined my life. Almost to the point where I couldnt even let anyone close to me because of how much he hurt me. So I learned the hard way that ripping the plaster off is better than continuously hurting yourself.

I think it's bad form on him to dump his girlfriend to try and make you get back with him. I nearly wouldnt believe him either. Just thread very very carefully whatever you do OP. Dont let yourself get hurt because of his mind games!

Big Bag of Chips

He didn't assume you were going out with anyone. He saw a picture of you with someone and used it as an excuse to send you a very carefully worded text designed to provoke a reaction from you. You had ignored all others texts from him, yet you replied to that one. So it worked.

So what if he's jealous that you are out enjoying yourself? So what if he misses you? Your posts are more about him and what he wants than you and what you want. I will guess that you'd like a nice healthy relationship. Normal enough. Little drama, few problems and stable. So if you get back with him will that be the relationship you have?

If you believe it is, then go for it. If you know deep down that it's never going to be like that then block all avenues of communication to him and move on.

HoneyBee78

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Mod Snip>: No need to repost the previous post!

Think you may have hit the nail on the head there I was in a very LTR before him so I'm probably lonely too, I've really only been single for 2 months and its harder than I thought but I was starting to get used to it.

Neyite

Have a think about whether you miss him specifically, or miss having someone. Especially given that you had such an up and down relationship, it must have been quite hard work at times. So maybe you are not actually missing him, but rather, missing the harmonious, nice parts of being in a relationship. Its easier to go back to the familiar, even when we know its not good for us, rather than to leap into the unknown.

I'm a veteran of many many break-ups, and honestly the best way of moving on, is to cut contact in all the ways that you can manage, for about 6 months until your new 'normal' does not include him. Down the line, when feelings are no longer raw and you can look at him and not want him back, you can rekindle a friendship if you want to. But for now, cut contact, fill your life with things to keep you occupied and busy - a hobby, a night class, an exercise routine, whatever floats your boat and give it time.

Instead of replying to him, write down what you want to say to him in a journal, and when you are further down the line, hold a ceremonial burning of it or something. Getting your feelings out on paper, naming them, really helps.

Shrap

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

I've really only been single for 2 months and its harder than I thought but I was starting to get used to it.

Here's something to think about for you. Yes, being newly single is hard, and you're vulnerable at this time to someone (an ex, say) causing a more major emotional reaction to their approach than is warranted - you are at a point where you are hearing what you want to hear, regardless of how you were feeling when you broke up.

Say you hadn't heard from him and you were still continuing to get used to being single again after your LTR and this break-up. Two months is very short, but in 6 months I can nearly guarantee you'd have looked at this contact from your ex in a whole different light. You'd be well established in knowing what you like about your single status, and treating yourself the way you deserve. At that point, you'd be VERY unwilling to give up the fun you'd be having (on your terms) for going backwards into a relationship that wasn't working for you.

I think you definitely need to keep in mind that he's caught you off-guard at a vulnerable time, and the cynic in me says that he tested out a new relationship then saw you enjoying yourself and immediately wanted you to be missing him instead. And now you are. Do you want to stay vulnerable, or stay single and find out what you actually want from your future relationships? Stand on your own two feet for a while I'd say, and find out what it is you wouldn't want to lose if you meet somebody new.

catonthewire

Hi HoneyBee

Last year myself and my partner broke up, I was absolutely devastated honestly thought that I would never be able to move on...
He didn't want any contact and looking back now , he did me a huge favour...
I got my life on track, dealt with my own issues, joined groups, made plans for MY OWN future and made new friends....

Recently we both agreed to meet up for a chat, hasn't happened yet for various reasons, perhaps it never will...
Am I bothered by this?...No, Why?...I am no longer in love with him, yes I think of our good times together but that's human nature..

The best advice that I can offer is to cut all contact, stay firm in your resolve, be good to yourself, make plans, find new interests and enjoy being single..
Two months is way too early to think about meeting, whatever is in his head , his reasons are his, not yours to worry over....
Someday further down the line, yes you may meet as friends for a chat, until then just relax and enjoy life and please no-one only yourself...

LynnGrace

Shrap wrote: »

I think you definitely need to keep in mind that he's caught you off-guard at a vulnerable time, and the cynic in me says that he tested out a new relationship then saw you enjoying yourself and immediately wanted you to be missing him instead. And now you are. Do you want to stay vulnerable, or stay single and find out what you actually want from your future relationships? Stand on your own two feet for a while I'd say, and find out what it is you wouldn't want to lose if you meet somebody new.

+1.
I would say continue to find your feet, in 'singledom'. It will be for the best, in the long run. Break ups are horrible, but honestly, it does sound like there is good reason why he is an ex...and should remain one. All the best.

beks101

Yeah, be single for a while OP. You badly need it. You're so vulnerable in the aftermath of a breakup and especially when combined with this sort of fear of being single, it can make you susceptible to all of these sh1tty behaviours and wrong men.

I understand that absolute turmoil of these head versus heart scenarios, but what you tend to forget is that often your head is the better choice. What's vital here is protecting yourself from making the same mistakes and repeating history with someone who has proved himself to be the wrong choice.

Be business minded about this. What would you say the odds are that he will do a sudden 360 and turn into the man you always wanted him to be? Especially given how he seemed compelled to get back in contact only after mistakenly thinking you were in a new relationship? Does that sound like somebody loving, nurturing, mentally and emotionally strong enough for you and who has your needs at the forefront of his mind?

Ride through the loneliness and the post-break up "ALONE FOREVER!!! :eek:" fear. It really doesn't last forever and if you prioritise your new life without this guy and concentrate on surrounding yourself with all the good people in your life and doing things that make you happy, busy, preoccupied, fulfilled...it quickly puts these sorts of situations in perspective. He's not good for you and he's not offering anything new.

Stay away and white knuckle it through the no-contact (VITAL) for the next little while. It gets easier quicker than you ever expect, I promise.

HoneyBee78

DeltaWhite wrote: »

A friend once said to me and I found to be true "an EX is called an EX because they are an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in your future"


This is your life OP, not my place to tell you what to do I am a stranger on the net but I will say this, the first year of a relationship is supposed to be a happy time, kind of like the honeymoon period, not full of breakups! The fact that you broke up on and off in your first year with him, is kind of a sign of what the future will be. It didnt work the first time, what makes you think it will work this time? I'm just trying to get you to see past him and think outside the box. I personally took an ex back time and time and TIME again and he almost ruined my life. Almost to the point where I couldnt even let anyone close to me because of how much he hurt me. So I learned the hard way that ripping the plaster off is better than continuously hurting yourself.

I think it's bad form on him to dump his girlfriend to try and make you get back with him. I nearly wouldnt believe him either. Just thread very very carefully whatever you do OP. Dont let yourself get hurt because of his mind games!

Well I'm back, tail between my legs. I came on here looking for advice & should have taken it.

To cut a very long story short it appears he never finished with this other girl. He was trying his best to get back with me & we did, he broke it off yet again then kept coming back, stupid me let him back into my life and up until Sunday where I spent the whole day with him which ended on another row as I wouldn't meet up with him again that night, so next morning I get a long msg saying he doesn't care about me, I have wasted 18 months of his life, he's moving on and don't bother contacting him again as I'm blocked! Couple of hours later he puts up a photo of him & his 'ex' on fb. This is the girl he said he dumped her by text as he was going to try with me again (he actually used those words to her) and then deleted her from fb & her number but only when I asked him to. A lot of other things that didn't seem right but I stupidly ignored as I actually thought he might finally have changed.

So there it is I fell for his bull**** again, all the lies & manipulating, now what do I do? Learn from it & move on or does this other girl deserve to know? Should be getting checked for sti's for a start. But I don't want any drama from him as he was at my door before calling me all sorts of names to the point I had to ask his brother to tell him to stay away from me. He even sent a screen shot of a txt between us to my long term ex to try cause trouble. Then denied it of course claiming his fb had been hacked. I never want to hear from him again but it's the girl I feel sorry for.

pookie82

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Well I'm back, tail between my legs. I came on here looking for advice & should have taken it.

To cut a very long story short it appears he never finished with this other girl. He was trying his best to get back with me & we did, he broke it off yet again then kept coming back, stupid me let him back into my life and up until Sunday where I spent the whole day with him which ended on another row as I wouldn't meet up with him again that night, so next morning I get a long msg saying he doesn't care about me, I have wasted 18 months of his life, he's moving on and don't bother contacting him again as I'm blocked! Couple of hours later he puts up a photo of him & his 'ex' on fb. This is the girl he said he dumped her by text as he was going to try with me again (he actually used those words to her) and then deleted her from fb & her number but only when I asked him to. A lot of other things that didn't seem right but I stupidly ignored as I actually thought he might finally have changed.

So there it is I fell for his bull**** again, all the lies & manipulating, now what do I do? Learn from it & move on or does this other girl deserve to know? Should be getting checked for sti's for a start. But I don't want any drama from him as he was at my door before calling me all sorts of names to the point I had to ask his brother to tell him to stay away from me. He even sent a screen shot of a txt between us to my long term ex to try cause trouble. Then denied it of course claiming his fb had been hacked. I never want to hear from him again but it's the girl I feel sorry for.

Leave her be, you owe her nothing. Surely if he dumped her for his ex and then turned back to her within such a short space of time she'll know he's a user.

Not your problem, to put it bluntly, and he'd get a kick out of you trying to interfere with her as well.

Block, delete, move on.

HoneyBee78

pookie82 wrote: »

Leave her be, you owe her nothing. Surely if he dumped her for his ex and then turned back to her within such a short space of time she'll know he's a user.

Not your problem, to put it bluntly, and he'd get a kick out of you trying to interfere with her as well.

Block, delete, move on.

I don't think he ever did finish with her, I think he just said that to me and was seeing the 2 of us.

Big Bag of Chips

He lied to you. He lied/lies to her. If you tell her the truth he'll most likely lie his way out of it, and make you out to be a crazy, stalker ex! Hard as it is to walk away, that is all you can do. Leave him to dig his own hole.

giggle84

pookie82 wrote: »

Leave her be, you owe her nothing. Surely if he dumped her for his ex and then turned back to her within such a short space of time she'll know he's a user.

Not your problem, to put it bluntly, and he'd get a kick out of you trying to interfere with her as well.

Block, delete, move on.

This, 100%. Not your problem, leave them to it.

Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there, we've all believed the cr@p fed to us by some jerk at some point. Learn from it and move on. Don't let him have another minute of your time or energy.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, you don't know the context of the photo. It could be an old one that he posted with the intention of pissing you both off!! If she got back with him after he treated her badly, then that's her business. You learned, she will too.

Block him on Facebook and anywhere else that you might have access to him, and then walk away.

catonthewire

This guy is a tosser!!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself, but please don't make the same mistake again, learn from the experience and finally move on....
The other girl will find out the hard way as you did, what a toe rag he really is...
Please don't even think about contacting her, he's a manipulative liar, and no doubt will paint you as the jealous ex....

Get him off your phone and block him on Facebook, stop looking at his page, you deserve so much better...
Honestly only you can decide , do you let him win? Or move on and find a better way of life this is the best form of revenge ever!!

LegacyUser

they say that it is better to try something and fail than not to try at all, and although the relationship failed, at least now you know for absolute sure that he is definitely not the right person for you, and you won't be spending the rest of your life wondering, and being tempted to get back in touch. Clearly, if he has gone back to someone else then he sees her as some sort of consolation prize and doesn't think too much of her. He sounds like a person who does not know what love is, and just wants to be with someone to not be alone.

HoneyBee78

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way, you don't know the context of the photo. It could be an old one that he posted with the intention of pissing you both off!! If she got back with him after he treated her badly, then that's her business. You learned, she will too.

Block him on Facebook and anywhere else that you might have access to him, and then walk away.

It's a recent one and she has it as her profile picture too... I do have him blocked, found out from friends

Big Bag of Chips

Tell friends you have him blocked for a reason, you don't want to know what he's up to.

HoneyBee78

catonthewire wrote: »

This guy is a tosser!!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself, but please don't make the same mistake again, learn from the experience and finally move on....
The other girl will find out the hard way as you did, what a toe rag he really is...
Please don't even think about contacting her, he's a manipulative liar, and no doubt will paint you as the jealous ex....

Get him off your phone and block him on Facebook, stop looking at his page, you deserve so much better...
Honestly only you can decide , do you let him win? Or move on and find a better way of life this is the best form of revenge ever!!

Thank you! I really needed to hear this. My self esteem seems to have taking a battering from him, I know I deserve better, if people only knew half of what he's done they'd think I was the crazy one for not walking away a lot sooner
Thanks again for the advice

HoneyBee78

Just an update, got a load of texts off him yesterday looking for an apology for the way I've treated him! He basically admitted that yes the last 2 months he played me and only went back to the ex to hurt me! He said an awful lot of hurtful things so I eventually had to block him.

How do you move on from this? He has a way of getting into my head with this hurtful comments and I start to think am I that bad of a person. Every single one of my friends say he's a psycho, he's toxic, controlling, manipulative, etc why cant I see this? Who do I feel bad today when I should be happy that he's finally out of my life?? Its like he says these things to hurt me, I cant believe he said all of this and then asked when I would apologise for my behaviour??

The whole last year was a cycle of breaking up getting back together, him saying horrible things to me then a few days later he would say sorry and say I made him say them?? The list of names he's called me in the past is endless. Calling to my house when we were finished because I wouldn't answer his texts or calls, he'd stand there try get back with me, I'd say no Ive had enough then he'd call me a c***, a slapper, say its no wonder your ex left you and moved in very quick with his gf, accuse me of cheating on him (which I never did) tell me I dont deserve to be happy and that I am going to end up sad lonely and on my own. God I could go on for hours, then the abusive text messages, I was vulnerable when I met him and I think he knew this. I was literally drained from this relationship. I should have stayed single and dealt with the break up from my fiancé, I couldnt even think about that though because he was always causing drama. Don't get me wrong we had good times and he did help through a lot but it felt like he'd pick me up, make me feel good about myself then when I was happy he'd literally drop me like a brick and say these horrible things.

I'm a good person, I have a great son who I'm very proud of and I have a great circle of friends who are always there for me.
Him on the other hand, well I've never met any of his so called friends, he always talks badly of his ex and other people, he's rude to people, he's never wrong oh god I could write a book, how it took me this long Ill never know

maria34

Is this my ex you are talking about lol

Now ignore! Ignore ignore ignore. Dont communicate or answer. If he turns up call guards and ask for protection order ( not sure about is it right name for that but sure guards know)

Ive dine that my ex is gone for years. Have no idea is he dead or alive. But he is gone !

You said you have a child . Protect your child! He is a narcissist and will not change!

kylith

Block his number on your phone so you can't receive texts from him and try to put him as far behind you as you can.

shaymus27

Sounds like you might be a bit desperate to have someone in your life.

It's hard to imagine you were ever treated in a proper way by a man as it would be hard for you not to see how bad he is if you were used to being treated well.

You may have low self-esteem and think that treatment of you is what you are going to get in life.

You need to cut him out, look at your previous relationships, look at how you view yourself and think about what type of man and relationship you want for yourself in the future. You need to get it right for your sake and the sake of your child.

Get as much support from your friends as you can and be kind to yourself. You need a break from all the crap you've had recently.

mapaca

I think you're right in saying he knew you were vulnerable at the start of the relationship. He sounds like a master manipulator - people like him know exactly what they're doing. Thankfully you realise now what he was at and you can take steps to get him out of your life. Lean on your friends for support. Ignore any communication from him.

HoneyBee78

I was in a LTR before him with my child's dad so I do know what it's like to be treated well & with respect. We are still on very good terms.

What I can't understand is with this guy is if someone's supposed to love you why say such horrible things to them?

El_Duderino 09

Hey OP. The advice you're getting is unanimous. As a matter of interest has anyone who cares about you advised you to get back with him? It might be time for a small leap of faith and trust that your friends have your best interest at heart.

You keep saying he's blocked and then you get another message from him so you must keep unblocking him. The only way to get rid of him is to completely cut the cord and don't look back.

You mentioned that you should tell his GF for her sake and so she can get an STI test. There's no way that she's going to thank you for telling her and you know how manipulative he is so he will inevitably talk her around. You'll end up looking like a crazy, infatuated ex and you will have prolonged the communication with him.

Don't take it from me but if all your family and people who care about you are telling you to cut the cord, then do it even if it's difficult. You and your child deserve better and there are plenty of decent fellas out there. I don't mean fellas who are a bit better than this guy, I mean proper decent men. Forget this wolly and go find one of them.

Best of luck

mapaca

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

What I can't understand is with this guy is if someone's supposed to love you why say such horrible things to them?

Well, exactly - someone who loves you will never say such horrible things or treat you like he has. That's not love.

SterlingArcher

Honey, you have had lots of messages people giving you sound advice telling you to ignore him.you ignored that got back with him. Leading to this point. thats cool it happens.

As expected by everyone and I mean everyone including your own gut,it goes pear shaped.

You then got more advice telling you to cut him out of your life.block him.again, more sound advice given the circumstances.

You say he text you yesterday and "eventually " you blocked him. maybe you need some tough love.

There is nothing to understand. He is a giant D. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Now at the moment you have support of friends and family, but eventually even they will tire of this back and forth.

Its time to get over this, and actually be bored of it yourself. Get a new sim card. Delete your Facebook. If you have to stay off fb for a bit so be it, it's not the end of the world, social networking is overrated anyhow . when you are better equipped to deal with it rejoin if thats your bag.

Don't just say you want to stop the bull, Actually stop the bull. Start fresh .don't question why he did this or that, you know why, he is giant D .You have a child . if you don't want your kid learning to grow up and take this kind of crap of people, then time for you to step up lead by example .

I'm not being mean saying this stuff, I sincerely hope you get the balls to say enough is enough.

Big Bag of Chips

It's about abuse, it's about control and it's about keeping you in your place. I'd also wonder is a lot of it deflection from his own behaviour. Do you know/think he ever cheated on you? Accusing you when there's nothing to suggest you have cheated on him is classic behaviour of people who are themselves cheating. They're doing it, so the expect that you're doing it too. And they get their accusation in first to take the attention away from themselves.

You can spend the rest of your life speculating as to why he does or says these things, but it basically comes back to he's a dick. You will never understand someone like that because you're not like that. So stop trying to figure him out. Stop trying to make sense of why. Admit to yourself that you made a huge mistake and were a bit of an eejit with this lad and then move on. You're not going to change him, or his version of what happened in your relationship. So stop getting involved in discussing it.

Block everything. Tell friends you don't want to know. And find someone who is opposite to him in every way.

shaymus27

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

I was in a LTR before him with my child's dad so I do know what it's like to be treated well & with respect. We are still on very good terms.

What I can't understand is with this guy is if someone's supposed to love you why say such horrible things to them?

Hi HoneyBee,

Nice to hear you have been treated well in the past. I was just speculating that maybe you had been on a bad run with men and that's why you were putting up with your ex.

I have had male friends in the past who were attractive to women. Could be very charming to people, especially women they met. In reality they were like sociopaths - able to put on a nice front but incapable of caring about someone really.

What I have found in life is that the more selfish people are, the less they are capable of truly caring about anyone other than themselves, the more they need other people.

Your ex needs women to be with even though he is probably not really capable of loving someone truly. He is a bit like a controlling sociopath who is capable of appearing to be nice but in reality isn't.

All men and women can be temporarily unpleasant unintentionally if they are unhappy in themselves. The way your ex has behaved shows being unpleasant is his natural personality and the being nice is the temporary bit.

One of the males I knew seemed to be able to con really nice women who deserved a lot better than him. By the time he was finished with them, they regretted ever meeting him. You are not alone in falling for someone who seems to have good qualities but in reality isn't a nice person at all.

To answer your question, I think your ex is too damaged to really love you or anyone. Real love involves wanting the other person to be happy and trying to help the other person feel good about themselves. It sounds like your ex was sometimes nice but ultimately his own damage and unhappiness meant he took his own damage and unhappiness out on you. This is selfish, not selfless, which is what real love is.

You probably need to think these things through to get closure as to why someone could be nice yet so horrible. Look up sociopaths or psychopaths on-line. He may not be either but he is damaged in some way.

Don't blame yourself. Get as much support as you can. Maybe go to counselling. Look to the future and hopefully you will meet someone you deserve and who deserves you.

catonthewire

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

I was in a LTR before him with my child's dad so I do know what it's like to be treated well & with respect. We are still on very good terms.

What I can't understand is with this guy is if someone's supposed to love you why say such horrible things to them?

Why?....

They don't respect themselves or anyone else .....
It's as simple as that, the majority of people who truly respect themselves, don't engage in behaviour that deliberately hurts others....
Of course relationships breakdown for many reasons, but we find ways to end them with honesty, leaving the other person with their dignity intact..
It's obvious which category this guy falls into, he isn't capable of treating women in his life with respect.....

Honestly , you will move on, move on to find a guy who both loves and respects you, until then stay firm and NO CONTACT...

Sligo1

shaymus27 wrote: »

Hi HoneyBee,

Nice to hear you have been treated well in the past. I was just speculating that maybe you had been on a bad run with men and that's why you were putting up with your ex.

I have had male friends in the past who were attractive to women. Could be very charming to people, especially women they met. In reality they were like sociopaths - able to put on a nice front but incapable of caring about someone really.

What I have found in life is that the more selfish people are, the less they are capable of truly caring about anyone other than themselves, the more they need other people.

Your ex needs women to be with even though he is probably not really capable of loving someone truly. He is a bit like a controlling sociopath who is capable of appearing to be nice but in reality isn't.

All men and women can be temporarily unpleasant unintentionally if they are unhappy in themselves. The way your ex has behaved shows being unpleasant is his natural personality and the being nice is the temporary bit.

One of the males I knew seemed to be able to con really nice women who deserved a lot better than him. By the time he was finished with them, they regretted ever meeting him. You are not alone in falling for someone who seems to have good qualities but in reality isn't a nice person at all.

To answer your question, I think your ex is too damaged to really love you or anyone. Real love involves wanting the other person to be happy and trying to help the other person feel good about themselves. It sounds like your ex was sometimes nice but ultimately his own damage and unhappiness meant he took his own damage and unhappiness out on you. This is selfish, not selfless, which is what real love is.

You probably need to think these things through to get closure as to why someone could be nice yet so horrible. Look up sociopaths or psychopaths on-line. He may not be either but he is damaged in some way.

Don't blame yourself. Get as much support as you can. Maybe go to counselling. Look to the future and hopefully you will meet someone you deserve and who deserves you.

+1. This is the best bit of advice I have ever ever read. And by god I wish I had read this 4 years ago when I was struggling to come to terms with a horrific break up from a man who seems just like your ex OP... If not worse! I won't get into the details OP but seriously no contact is the only way to get through this. And read and re read this post by Shaymus.

4 years later I am happily married with 2 beautiful children. You will move on, you will be happy, and you will do it without him! Be good to yourself x

HoneyBee78

Thanks everyone, I did a bit of research over the weekend and found out he seems to be like this with all his girlfriends. I also doubted the person I was so I had a heart to heart with my long term ex who I hurt in the past and he said lovely things about me and said that he doesn't hate me for anything and hopes I finally get rid of this lad and meet someone better and hopes I can be happy one day so that was lovely to hear Its obviously this crazy guy with the issues but he had me convinced that I wasn't a good person

I will be taking this as a hard lesson learned and just grateful I'm no longer under his control!

Thanks again for the advise