Irritating roommate

LegacyUser

My problem is pretty insignificant compared to other things that get posted on this forum, but I just thought I might ask for your advice as it has been bothering me lately.

I'm living in a house with 4 other guys. I get on great with 3 of them. We don't socialise with each other outside the house, but there's still a good rapport between us. The problem is with the 4th guy.

He has been in the house for about a year and a half. The guy that was moving out at the time pretty much just said yes to the first guy that responded to the ad so we didn't get a chance to meet him beforehand.

He is a very odd person. Every week he asks us to go out for a few pints with him, this is despite turning him down every single time he has asked us since he moved in. This is not to be rude to him, as I did go for a drink with him a couple of times, but his behavior was so strange I couldn't go out with him again. He is not able to make conversation and he was a complete womaniser going around pinching strangers backsides.

It's so awkward around him that we aren't able to watch TV when we know he is in the living room. I know it sounds cruel, but everyone in the house has tried to be friendly and social with him, but it's impossible. This is on top of the other unhygienic things he does... but that's another story.

Is there anything I can do, besides moving out? It's making life at home very uncomfortable and I don't know what to do.

Tokyo

Part and parcel of sharing a house is that it can be a bit of a lucky dip at times, and all things considered, you aren't in a bad position if you are getting along with the majority of the household, which you seem to be.

That being said, I find it hard to picture how the fourth housemate's behaviour is so odd that all three of you feel uncomfortable enough not to even be in the same room as him watching TV - that the conversation between the rest of you doens't simply dilute him out of the equation. While it's not comfortable for you, it must be ten times more so for your flatmate - from his perspective it is four against one, and despite their efforts to engage, he is getting nowhere and actually leaves the room when he enters it. No matter how odd you might be, that's a tough environment to have to live in, and so far, I'm not seeing anything that warrants that level of alienation.

You've alluded to other issues (hygiene etc), and if these are issues that are affecting you as a household, then by all means talk to him about it. And if his behavior is something that you think could be improved upon, then have you tried having a conversation with him about it? It sounds as if nobody's ever pointed him on the right path, and told him that certain things aren't appropriate. If he's wandering around a bar grabbing women's behinds, then a mention from you guys that it's really not cool to do that might get the message through.

Ultimately, if you feel that you can't live with him, then what happens next depends on who is on the lease. AFAIK, if he's not on the lease and you are, then you can ask him to leave (you'd be better served in the Accommodation & Property forum for specifics on this). The alternative is to see if you can find somewhere smaller, for the four of you who do get along, to live.

foleypio

To be honest, you havent really outlined anything that he's doing that would warrant your immense dislike for him.

You say on the one hand that everyone has made an effort to be sociable & friendly to him but on the other hand ye have turned him down every time he hass asked ye out for a pint.

You say his behaviour is odd & makes ye feel awkward, so awkward that ye cant even watch tv but you dont even have to make conversation to watch tv.

It sounds like a few of ye are ganging up on a guy because he might be a bit socially awkward & thats a scummy thing to do in my opinion.

Stench Blossoms

Give the lad a break.

He's trying to be friendly asking you out for pints. It's a bit cruel that you and the other housemates are talking about him behind his back like this.

pookie82

minorinconvenience wrote: »

This is not to be rude to him, as I did go for a drink with him a couple of times, but his behavior was so strange I couldn't go out with him again. He is not able to make conversation and he was a complete womaniser going around pinching strangers backsides.

Ah here, no one should have to just put up with that and repeatedly go out for pint with him every week just to make him feel accepted when he's acting like that when out.

Sounds for whatever reason like ye're a fairly laid back bunch but this guy doesn't really fit in. It's nice to be nice, but you shouldn't be forced to constantly go out with someone who acts like this either.

I know what it's like to be compelled to hang out with someone who is unable to make conversation and it's excruciating. You guys owe him manners but not a social outlet.

In terms of what to do... there's not a lot you can do, other than address the hygiene issues face to face if it's something that's causing communal difficulty. You can't ask him to move out because you are not compatible, personality-wise. But you shouldn't be forced to socialise with him either if you've decided at this point that you just don't get on.

That's life, not everyone will gel. But you're kind of stuck with him now unless he decides to move himself or you raise some fixable issues with him which he refuses to address.

Rubberchikken

if he stopped his weird habits and washed, would you be friends with him?
he's there a fair bit and seems willing to be as sociable as he can. ok the pinching people sounds idiotic but he seems to make an effort to be friendly even though he must realise that none of you are interested in being mates.

the fact that while you 3 get on in the house, you don't socialise outside seems a bit off to me.
could you not have a chat with him. maybe he has some issue that makes him like this and he may not be aware of his behaviour.

LegacyUser

foleypio wrote: »

To be honest, you havent really outlined anything that he's doing that would warrant your immense dislike for him.

You say on the one hand that everyone has made an effort to be sociable & friendly to him but on the other hand ye have turned him down every time he hass asked ye out for a pint.

You say his behaviour is odd & makes ye feel awkward, so awkward that ye cant even watch tv but you dont even have to make conversation to watch tv.

It sounds like a few of ye are ganging up on a guy because he might be a bit socially awkward & thats a scummy thing to do in my opinion.

Okay, so this comment got the most likes so I probably should address this one directly.

I did that that I went out with him a couple of times, and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. I did make the effort, but when personalities don't match, why would you continue to try to socialise with that person?

I don't know about you, but I find watching TV to be a very social thing. You have a bit of banter and a laugh watching TV shows, but with him you'd crack a joke or a comment and he wouldn't even take note!

We are not ganging up on him at all. I have lived in this house a good few years, and I've seen many housemates come and go and they've all had similar experiences. None of us are mates, so there's not this ganging up you are speaking of.

By the way, is it odd that we as a group of housemates don't socialise outside of the house? I never really thought about it before.

Stench Blossoms

minorinconvenience wrote: »

By the way, is it odd that we as a group of housemates don't socialise outside of the house? I never really thought about it before.

No. Most people don't rent a room in a houseshare to make friends.

foleypio

minorinconvenience wrote: »

Okay, so this comment got the most likes so I probably should address this one directly.

I did that that I went out with him a couple of times, and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. I did make the effort, but when personalities don't match, why would you continue to try to socialise with that person?

I don't know about you, but I find watching TV to be a very social thing. You have a bit of banter and a laugh watching TV shows, but with him you'd crack a joke or a comment and he wouldn't even take note!

We are not ganging up on him at all. I have lived in this house a good few years, and I've seen many housemates come and go and they've all had similar experiences. None of us are mates, so there's not this ganging up you are speaking of.

By the way, is it odd that we as a group of housemates don't socialise outside of the house? I never really thought about it before.

Op, you dont have to like him, we are not saying that but at least show him a bit of respect. Trying to engineer a way to remove him from the house because you dont like his personality is low.

Alot of people watch tv in different ways, some people cant shut the hell up while others prefer to just take it all in. Just because he doesnt respond to you're every comment or joke when your watching tv doesnt make him odd.

Tbh, it sounds like you're the problem more than him, if this is how you treat somebody during a house share who is a bit different from you maybe you should be living on your own.

LegacyUser

foleypio wrote: »

Op, you dont have to like him, we are not saying that but at least show him a bit of respect. Trying to engineer a way to remove him from the house because you dont like his personality is low.

Alot of people watch tv in different ways, some people cant shut the hell up while others prefer to just take it all in. Just because he doesnt respond to you're every comment or joke when your watching tv doesnt make him odd.

Tbh, it sounds like you're the problem more than him, if this is how you treat somebody during a house share who is a bit different from you maybe you should be living on your own.

I wish it was just me! It honestly isn't. I am a very easy going guy and get on with pretty much everyone. But anyone that has met him always say something along the lines of "whats up with your housemate".

And I am showing him a lot of respect! I'm not one to make a fuss and rarely speak up when something is wrong but there are plenty of things I could have pulled him up on, but I never do.

Everyday I try to make conversation with him, being friendly. It's not like I don't make an effort, but he hasn't changed since the day I met him so I don't know what else I can do.

I don't mind that he's different, sure if he was the same as me that'd be pretty depressing. I've lived with housemates with unusual personalities before, but none of them have made me feel uncomfortable in my own home.