Almost broken up-experiences?

Uselessatlove

Going anonymous with this. I'm in a relationship and hanging on by my fingernails. Long story short he says I don't pay him enough attention and I get the feeling his head may have been turned by a girl he met recently who would be a lot easier to date than me (easier as she paid him the attention he needed when I failed to, and also lives much nearer than I do-I'm a 3 hour car journey away from him and it's difficult)

My question is....I think there's hope, not a lot, but I see a glimmer of it. What can be said/done when I see him at the weekend to make him want to take a chance on me?

I don't want to trick anyone into being with me, that's not my intention but after discussing what to do with some friends they've all advised me to 'fight for him'. This is all well and good but how do you fight for someone without coming across desperate or needy? I want to fight for him, this is the man I consider my soulmate and up until very recently he thought the same of me. The issue is when we're apart, his emotional and physical needs aren't being met. Mine are not either but I'm coping better than he is.

I suppose my question is to men, what have women said or done in this situation to make you feel like they deserved a second shot?

And to women, have you ever managed to prove to a man that initially wasn't sure to give you a second go and did it work out?

I love him and I believe he loves me deep down but the situation is not ideal. If I thought for a second he'd just gone off me I wouldn't be posting this.

I just need this advice as I don't want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Thanks

giggle84

Uselessatlove wrote: »

after discussing what to do with some friends they've all advised me to 'fight for him'. This is all well and good but how do you fight for someone without coming across desperate or needy? I want to fight for him, this is the man I consider my soulmate and up until very recently he thought the same of me.

If you love him and want to fight for him then do, be honest and tell him how you feel and forget about looking desperate, it's not desperate if you love him. Don't hold back because you're afraid of how it'll look. Be honest. At least then if it doesn't work you'll know there was nothing else you could have done.

I don't think there are any magic words that will make anyone want to continue in a relationship, every relationship is different. All you can do is be honest about how you feel and tell him what you want, and hope that he wants the same thing.

Best of luck x

Stavro Mueller

That distance between you is a problem - no point in saying otherwise. Long distance relationships are the sort of thing that need to have an end goal. Have you ever sat down and had a discussion about where things are going and who's going to be moving?

m'lady

I agree with both replies so far. How long are you together? Distance can be very hard in a relationship, had you both discussed options regarding this in the future? You said he feels you don't give him enough attention, did he explain why he feels like this?

blatantrereg

He said he needs more attention from you.

Therefore to improve his view of your relationship you could pay him more attention.

If you need more details about how to do this, ask him directly.

I don't understand why you are posting here about this; it's very straightforward. Perhaps you are actually looking for reassurance because you feel insecure and threatened by the local woman. I'm not sure you're coping as well with the distance as you think you are. Maybe you have difficulty admitting vulnerability. This would be a trait to address in the context of relationships if it seems to be the case.

Uselessatlove

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

That distance between you is a problem - no point in saying otherwise. Long distance relationships are the sort of thing that need to have an end goal. Have you ever sat down and had a discussion about where things are going and who's going to be moving?

Yes he said he'd move and has applied for jobs in the north to be nearer me but now that he has the doubts I don't know if he'll still be willing to do that.

Uselessatlove

blatantrereg wrote: »

He said he needs more attention from you.

Therefore to improve his view of your relationship you could pay him more attention.

If you need more details about how to do this, ask him directly.

I don't understand why you are posting here about this; it's very straightforward. Perhaps you are actually looking for reassurance because you feel insecure and threatened by the local woman. I'm not sure you're coping as well with the distance as you think you are. Maybe you have difficulty admitting vulnerability. This would be a trait to address in the context of relationships if it seems to be the case.

I've started paying him more attention but he's not really taken me up on it. I'm worried he thinks I'm only doing it now coz I'm worried about the state of our relationship. I don't want him to think I'm forcing it. I'm sincere in my efforts but I don't know if he sees it that way. I guess I posted here as I'm worried about what the weekend holds and I want to give myself the best chance of putting things right

Uselessatlove

I suppose I'm just looking for a way to show him that I'm worth taking a chance on and that if we lived in the same county that things would be amazing. We have a great time on the weekends when we see each other, we don't argue and have a lot of fun together but during the week our insecurities play up and I think he just doesn't want to feel that way anymore so he wants out

blatantrereg

Uselessatlove wrote: »

I've started paying him more attention but he's not really taken me up on it. I'm worried he thinks I'm only doing it now coz I'm worried about the state of our relationship. I don't want him to think I'm forcing it. I'm sincere in my efforts but I don't know if he sees it that way. I guess I posted here as I'm worried about what the weekend holds and I want to give myself the best chance of putting things right

Sounds like you are putting it too much on yourself.

If he didn't respond to you adapting to what he expressed then perhaps he was just criticising you for the sake of criticising you.

What's wrong with adapting your behaviour because you're worried about the state of your relationship?

Uselessatlove

blatantrereg wrote: »

Sounds like you are putting it too much on yourself.

If he didn't respond to you adapting to what he expressed then perhaps he was just criticising you for the sake of criticising you.

What's wrong with adapting your behaviour because you're worried about the state of your relationship?

I know and I am disappointed at that. Really disappointed.

Uselessatlove

I'd just love to know if anyone has had a similar experience to this, a relationship on the brink and they managed to save it. Am I silly thinking I can save it?

blatantrereg

It seems to be on the brink because of him, not you.
I wouldn't call you silly. I do think the relationship continuing will be down to him, not you, so there isn't anything you can realistically do no.

Stavro Mueller

At this stage, what happens is out of your control. If his heart's not in this, then unfortunately there's nothing you can do. There's no point in trying to guilt him into staying because that'll not end well long-term. Listen to what he has to say and take it from there. It takes two people to make a relationship

Uselessatlove

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

At this stage, what happens is out of your control. If his heart's not in this, then unfortunately there's nothing you can do. There's no point in trying to guilt him into staying because that'll not end well long-term. Listen to what he has to say and take it from there. It takes two people to make a relationship

I know, my intention isn't to guilt him. I don't want him to be with me if it doesn't make him happy. I want what's best for both of us. I guess I just thought I could make him as happy as he made me

Chucky the tree

When did you start paying him more attention? It's obviously up to him but there is a difference between saying "it's out of my control so I'll put the feet up" compared to "it's out of my control but I'll do everything I can to stay together".

Uselessatlove

Chucky the tree wrote: »

When did you start paying him more attention? It's obviously up to him but there is a difference between saying "it's out of my control so I'll put the feet up" compared to "it's out of my control but I'll do everything I can to stay together".

Last week was when it was brought to my attention so I've done all I can to let him know he's always on my mind without constantly texting

Chucky the tree

Uselessatlove wrote: »

Last week was when it was brought to my attention so I've done all I can to let him know he's always on my mind without constantly texting

It's gonna take a lot more than a week. Especially if it's a case that you haven't been paying him enough attention for a long time.


If you feel he's right about the attention part anyway I'd keep fighting for him, if you think he's being a bit OTT about it then I'd say the relationship is doomed.

Big Bag of Chips

I may be way off here but I think he has already checked out. If he needs attention, attentiveness etc then regardless of what you do you can't give him from long distance what a girl living beside him can. From what you say it sounds like he's laying the foundations for the "it's not working out" chat.

You can't make someone want to be with you. Like it or not your relationship is hard work. A relationship with someone who lives up the road is physically easier. If you want to fight for him could you move to him? If he's unsure of the relationship he's unlikely to make that move now. So it will have to be you.

But, and I don't mean to scare you, your time is running out. It seems he has lost or is losing interest in the long distance thing. That is why someone close to home is looking like a better option. You say your relationship is hanging by a thread. If I was him, I wouldn't move 3 hours for someone who I wasn't sure about.

So if you are sure, then the move has to come from you.

Have you spoken to him since? What has his mood been like?

Uselessatlove

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote an entire post. Especially if it's the previous post.

Yes I have spoken to him since, his mood has been on and off, one minute saying nice things, the next being distant and short. I'd move in the morning, I'm not panicking or anything, it's not a decision I've taken because I'm afraid he's leaving or anything but I've been thinking about it for the last few months as long distance was proving difficult for me too. The question is whether he'll want me to but I think I'm better off having that conversation with him when I see him rather than sending him a message to say I'm willing to move, I want him to see I'm serious and that I've given it a lot of thought rather than him thinking I'm just doing it coz I'm afraid of being alone which is not the case.

Big Bag of Chips

Well when are you seeing him next? Long distance relationships depend on communication. It's all you have for a huge portion of your relationship.

If you are waiting to see him to let him know you are willing to move to be with him, you are giving him more time to realise the girl physically closer is more what he is looking for in a relationship. You might find by the time you get to have your conversation with him, he's ready to have a very different conversation with you.

It doesn't have to be a message. It can be a phonecall, Skype etc.

Uselessatlove

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Mod Snip>

I'm seeing him on Friday. He's away this weekend and coming home tomorrow night. You really think I should come out with that out of the blue?

blatantrereg

I wouldn't.
I don't think chasing after someone who is becoming distant is a good idea. Let them have their space and then come back themselves.
Otherwise your behaviour might drive people away more. You also will be easily manipulated: Some people distance themselves in a calculated manner for no other reason than to try to invoke a sense of neediness in their partner.

Big Bag of Chips

Well is it out of the blue? He says he needs more attention from you. You say you've been thinking about it and think you should move down to be closer to him and say "What do you think?".

His reaction should tell you whether he thinks your relationship is going to continue or not.

Surely that's not that strange a conversation to have for a couple in a LDR who had/have plans to eventually move to be together.

Uselessatlove

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well is it out of the blue?

It's not out of the blue in that 2 weeks ago it was what we both wanted. Now, with his doubts, do I want to pressurise him by saying ill move? I understand what you're saying though, if we're talking on the phone and if he mentions it I'll definitely let him know what I'm prepared to do.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a chance that the conversation 2 weeks ago panicked him and made him think that maybe the relationship isn't what he wants? I just find it suspicious that he is now finding faults with you/the relationship.

As I said, I may be wrong but that's usually the build up to "it's not working out"... Especially if there's someone else waiting in the wings.

Uselessatlove

You could well be right but right now all I want is to try and save my relationship and I'll try whatever I can to do that, however futile it may turn out to be. If it turns out he just wants to get with someone else then that's his choice and there's not a lot I can do about it but walk away and lick my wounds but until I know that for sure I just want to try. I'd never forgive myself if I knew that there was something I could have done to save it. I love him, I usually don't have much time for things like this, I'm usually very black and white, but as I say, I love him and I don't want to give up on us. I'm not some 21 year old full of mad ideas or anything, I just believe that after many relationships that I've found the one, and that's not something I've ever believed in before. I've been dumped before and been the dumper before and it didn't bother me to the extent that this has. One relationship having lasted 6 years. But the thought of this maybe ending has affected me like I never knew possible. I may well be about to get my heart broken but I need to try. For myself.

Uselessatlove

And please don't think I don't respect your opinion on this. I really appreciate everything you've all contributed. It's helped me to talk about it and I'm very grateful. I know there's a good chance this isn't going to work out for me but I just wanted some input as to what (if anything) I could do to try and work things out

Chucky the tree

I think you're doing the right thing anyway OP. Best of luck with it.

Uselessatlove

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing anyway OP. Best of luck with it.

I hope so. Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

I absolutely think you need to try whatever it takes, and I think if someone closer to him (location wise) has the chance of turning his head, then you need to get yourself closer to him. It's so easy to get into a rut or a routine. Plenty of relationships hit bumps and realise they need to make more of an effort.

I really hope it works out for both of you.

December2012

I think he has told you the problem - you're not paying him the attention he wants. You say you've changed but He says it's not enough. Which I can appreciate because you haven't seen each other. And even so, it has been one week. One week and you expect things to change, then when he tells you that you haven't done it right you don't believe it or understand it.

And now you want to try something else.

It's simple - do what he wants. If you don't want to, or can't, then it won't work.

Uselessatlove

December2012 wrote: »

I think he has told you the problem - you're not paying him the attention he wants. You say you've changed but He says it's not enough. Which I can appreciate because you haven't seen each other. And even so, it has been one week. One week and you expect things to change, then when he tells you that you haven't done it right you don't believe it or understand it.

And now you want to try something else.

It's simple - do what he wants. If you don't want to, or can't, then it won't work.

It's not that he said I haven't done it right, he just hasn't mentioned the effort I've put in whereas before if I said something nice to him he would've acknowledged it. But I know what you mean, it's only been a week and I have to be patient. I will continue to try and show him how much I care, and hopefully he'll see I'm genuine and not forcing it. As I truly want to do it. I wouldn't post here looking for help otherwise. Believe me, I've never wanted anything so badly.

December2012

So why don't you ask him
If you're doing it right?

Uselessatlove

December2012 wrote: »

So why don't you ask him
If you're doing it right?

I guess I just didn't want to bring it up yet, I feel that asking that a week in is almost like saying 'am I doing it right?are you happy now?' and that it would come across like I think it's a chore?

December2012

Well then don't ask are you happy now - he won't be by the way if it is a longstanding problem it will not be solved by a weeks effort.

Just ask him is this what he meant?

Uselessatlove

I just feel emotionally drained that I'm so unsure of what to say and when to say it. Sweet one minute, cold the next. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid but I can't help but feel that maybe he's trying to decide between me and this other girl who's made her feelings clear, and maybe they've had a moment in the time that I wasn't being attentive that he can't shake. I know there's paranoid but there's also the feeling in my gut that I can't shake. I'm hoping I'm going to laugh at that this time next week but I'm so tired, upset, confused etc I don't know what I'm thinking. I suppose I'm afraid of what I may say as at the moment I'm still in a bit of a spin to put it mildly

DukeOfTheSharp

I'm going to go out on a limb here and take a different approach: maybe the fact that you were talking about moving in has triggered his reaction now because he's not sure if - even if you do move in together - you'll pay him anymore attention than you were before. I get LDRs are tough, but going from one extreme to another can highlight some pretty large flaws in a relationship, and maybe he wants to settle that - dare I say - fear, before any huge decision is made. Maybe I'm wrong here, but usually, with LDRs, two people usually pay a lot more attention to each other than those who're nearby, given that they know what they want, and they realise the only way to make said relationship work is to put in the effort.

You say you're emotionally exhausted after a week of doing what you - maybe - should've been doing for a much longer time, you keep mentioning this other woman as some potential reason...I'd hate to say it, but maybe his mindset isn't the problem, maybe you don't want to move in with him, and don't want this to continue on, because there's a problem and it's not an easy fix, because it could potentially upset your plans. It seems like your whole situation stems from a want to make this about anyone but you: he's running hot and cold, he's had his head turned by another woman, he's not receptive to your (week's worth of) efforts, but there's a lack of any personal responsibility in what you say. Maybe saying 'you know what? I wasn't giving him enough attention, time to step up my game, understand that this is a big decision I'm asking him to make and I have to show I'm going to be personally involved with our relationship, in order to show how serious I am' is better than 'it has to be something else'.