I need advice and don't know where to turn

LegacyUser

Hi Ladies,

Apologies for posting this anonymously but I'm too embarrassed to post under my username.

My OH has been acting a bit strangely lately and spending a lot of time on his phone so I did the thing I never thought I'd have to and I checked his facebook messages.

I found some messages he sent to a girl the other night while we were curled up on the sofa watching a movie. They were talking about their past exploits and he was asking her if she ever thought about them and saying to her that he still wanted to have his fun.

It seemed to me like he was sussing her out to see if she'd be up for some no strings attached hoohaa.

Upon reading back further I saw more messages between them from a few years ago where they were trying to arrange a threesome with one of her friends. He was going out with me at the time and was saying to her, I don't want anyone to get hurt so lets keep it between us, it'll be our little secret, I'm going on holidays soon buts lets arrange a date for when I get back.

I'm absolutely devastated. I've had this happen to me in the past which he knows and he always insists on telling me he's nothing like my ex and now it turns out that he's exactly like him.

I confronted him and he says it was stupid, that he needed an ego boost and that he never would have gone through with it blah blah blah. He keeps saying he didn't cheat and didn't do anything wrong but even contacting this girl is wrong.

I feel like I have no one to turn to because I don't want my friends or family to see him or me in a different light if I decide to stay with him. We own a home together so it's not so easy to walk away.

What do I do? Is there a way to get past this?

IvyTheTerrible

MOD: OP I've moved your thread to Relationship Issues as I feel you'll get better advice in there.
Please take note of the charter.
Thanks
Ivy

foleypio

SillyGirl1 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full post

Hello Op,

Coming from a male perspective, he's talking bull, I seriously doubt he was just doing it for an ego boost & wouldnt have gone through with it.

I know you're hurting now but if you break up with him, I have no doubt in a few months time, you will be delighted you did. The best thing you could do now is get some time away from him & talk to some close friends or family.

Life is too short to waste on idiots like that who are nothing but sneaks & losers. He was little to no respect for you & the fact that this has been going on for years says it all really. Its not like he just had a moment of weakness or anything.

I wouldnt worry about the property either, the market is on the up & you should have no problem in selling it.

MrWalsh

SillyGirl1 wrote: »

What do I do? Is there a way to get past this?

Why would you even want to get past it? Besides the fact that he has turned out to be exactly like your ex (while claiming not to be), youve actually caught him out now with messages to one girl on two different occasions, years apart. AND, to add insult to injury he is claiming that he wouldnt have followed through - you cant be naive enough to believe this?

Given that he hasnt even come clean about this - who knows how many other girls he has been contacting either?

Your friends and family will quite rightly see him as scum for this and if you decide to stay they will still see him that way - thats because it is scummy.

I wouldnt be worried about having a home together, he will have to make alternative sleeping arrangements when you show him the door!

swpb

Sorry but what an ass! Even texting her while you two snuggled up together how damn right disrespectfull to say the very least. Run!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies, I know I should confide in a friend or family member but I don't think I'm ready to face up to that yet.

I just can't believe he's put me in this situation, we're not even in our house that long and all I keep thinking is why did he go through with the sale if he was going to do this. He had so many opportunities to get out of the relationship if that's what he really wanted.

I didn't sleep at all last night and spent the entire time questioning everything about our relationship. Like Foleypio said, this wasn't just one moment of madness, there were two separate occasions. The first one with the talk of the threesome nearly made me sick, it was the calculated nature of it, the actual planning behind my back when we were only together about 6 months! Our whole relationship now feels like a lie.

And that's just the girl I know about, he could easily have deleted other previous mails with different girls.

I've gotten numerous apologies, pleading, telling me his mind wanders but he'd never do anything, has never cheated, that he's getting sick thinking about what he's put me through.

It all just feels so hollow and all the while I have to sit in work and pretend everything is normal and try to hide the fact that I've been crying. I can't believe I've been so stupid as to get trapped owning a home with a person that is essentially now a stranger to me.

MrWalsh

SillyGirl1 wrote: »

It all just feels so hollow and all the while I have to sit in work and pretend everything is normal and try to hide the fact that I've been crying. I can't believe I've been so stupid as to get trapped owning a home with a person that is essentially now a stranger to me.

Why dont you take a couple of days off work, go to your GP and tell them that you have had a big shock and get signed off for a few days.

Then talk to someone you trust, family member or friend, dont be worrying about how it will affect their future view of your partner - thats not what you need to worry about right now, you need to be supported after what is naturally a massive shock.

And forget about being stupid, you were honest in how you felt and you were deceived - you cant plan for that or youd have a horrible existence of never trusting anyone!

Youre totally blameless here, this person that you love and trust has taken a sledgehammer to the foundation of your relationship. If you dont have trust you dont have anything, he he destroyed that trust. You didnt do anything wrong at all, you were taken advantage of by someone who was so selfish that they only cared about their own ego. But isnt it better to find out now, before you married him and had kids with him?

Please talk to a friend or family member, you need someone to mind you for a while.

<<hugs>>

Saralee4

Basically op, I think he's not ready to grow up. He probably got scared after buying the house and thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. If you let him away with it, then I can see him falling into this again. Although I completely understand after making such a commitment to someone such as buying a house, it is very difficult to just walk away from someone.

You are in a place where you thought you had found someone you trust and could make a commitment to and he was just going with the flow and wants to still 'have fun'.

By him apparently giving himself an ego boost, he has damaged your self esteem in the process and hurt you deeply. I hope the high was worth that for him but for you, you should know that you are better than him and unfortunately him and his ego should get the boot. Tell him, that he is a fine lovely person, but his ego is a real self-centred *****.

Littlekittylou

RUN!

Dixie Chick

Ah you poor thing. God what a kick to the gut to know that you were sitting there watching a movie and this was going on. It chills me to the core, I really feel for you.

You know yourself he has now proven himself a liar and unworthy of your love that you gave freely. He has deceived you, it was not a once off drunken thing, it was a planned sober texting to suss out a lay for himself. Of course he is sorry, sorry he got caught, genuinely nice decent people do not do this to their partners.
Hopefully the house sale will go well, you poor girl, what a crappy few months you have ahead but you are worth more than this.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone who responded in a kind way, it really has helped.

I took your advice MrWalsh and came home from work and got a few hours sleep. I can't say it's made me feel any better but at least I'm not exhausted on top of it all.

I'm anonymous because I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation and don't want people on here who know my identity to know what's happened yet. I'm just not ready.

I knew something was up which is why I checked his messages, I'm not saying I'm proud of it but that's how it is. I'm not sorry I did even though I'm hurting now.

We're in a long term relationship and have been through hell and back with losing parents and many other things and always came out the other side of it stronger. That's why we bought a home together, we might not be married but we've been a family for a long time and I think it's unfair to say it's my own fault and I'm stupid. I hope you never get betrayed by someone you trust and love

Neyite

Mod:

I've cleaned up the thread. Report posts instead of getting into a row about it. Ta. And anyone trying to abuse the anon function in order to attack a poster can be tracked if necessary and warnings /bans added to their registered account.

IlmoNT4

I think this relationship is over OP.... its a terrible situation to be in and if he really valued you and cared about you, then none of this would have happened. I would walk away from him...the house and all the rest of is, is just stuff that can be sorted out. I wouldnt want to spend another day in a relationship with someone so sneaky and uncommitted

LegacyUser

This guy is just like my ex! I got a text one night from a guy saying that my bf at the time had been s*xting his girlfriend all night. This was while we were watching a movie, all snuggled up. Apparently it had been going on for a while. He promised it was a once off, that he was soo sorry. There were tears and promises, the whole shebang. I forgave him. I shouldn't have. A few months later I was logging on to the internet and I saw that he hadn't logged out f facebook. A conversation he'd been having with a girl was onscreen. You can imagine what sort of messages they were exchanging.. And she wasn't the only one. His inbox was filled with messages from girls all over the world!

After it ended (and thank God it did) I blamed myself for his cheating. I felt so stupid for not having known what was going on under my nose. But he was the one with the problem. He was a childish, nasty little man. I deserved better, I got better. You deserve better too OP. Get out now.

giggle84

SillyGirl1 wrote: »

I'm anonymous because I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation

Do not feel ashamed, he's the only one who should feel any shame here. You've done nothing wrong and ignore that previous blamey post, hats off to the Mod for deleting that rubbish.

I would say that if you believe him when he says he'd never have done anything and he's genuinely sorry, and you want to get past it then you probably can in time. But think about if you're just going to drive yourself crazy wondering what he's up to every time he picks up his phone.

His behaviour is horrible and completely disrespectful to you and the life you've made together. He can't even say he only did it when he was bored.. he was sending these messages sitting beside you, there's something really not right about that.

Don't worry about the house, it's a good time to sell or rent it out if you have to, it will be difficult and stressful but then you can walk away.

Mind yourself x

mazdaminx

He'll do it again. You'll have to talk to someone you trust. Now you don't have full trust in him. You know what he's capable of now. It's devious and disrespectful. You deserve better. If you stay he'll know he can do anything and you'll stay with him, only next time he'll cover his tracks and delete everything. I was where you were but I left and am so relieved I did. Don't let him treat you like a fool. Be strong.