Help for my head

LegacyUser

I about about to explode. There is so much wrong, and so little right with my life right now.

Let me preface this with telling people I do have a therapist, I do see a psych, I am getting "help" from the right places.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I've fallen between the cracks of the healthcare system and it has me really, really down.

I don't even know where to begin. My family don't know what's going on - we've a lot of other stress going on at the minute and being completely honest I'm ashamed of my fragile mental state so I want to keep it from them. Another factor in the secrecy is that they wouldn't really understand / accept that I've got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist: there is a lot of denial around mental health issues in my family. It's a strain keeping it a secret, but I don't currently see a way to tell them what is going on.

I met my psych team yesterday and it was a painful experience. I'm on medication for paranoia / delusional thoughts / depersonalisation episodes. The medication works and I'm okay on them. However due to other stress in my life at the moment (apologies for the vagueness - I don't want to be identifiable. Call me paranoid :P ), I'm in a really bad place. I'm experiencing strong urges to self harm and I'm having suicidal thoughts. I told the guys this yesterday and they listened, but did nothing. I've been having monthly reviews and I was put on a three monthly review. So I told them that I'm having suicidal thoughts, and they're leaving it longer before they see me.

I've spoken to my GP previously about the suicidal thoughts. She said I need to talk to the psych, that the psych is the one that deals with the suicidal thoughts. And I suppose they just don't see me as suicidal. And to be fair, I reckon I'm not, I'm just going through a rough patch and need a little extra support. I'm too sick to be under the care of my GP for my head, but not sick enough for the psych team to actually properly listen / care about my welfare / well being.

My therapist is being great - a great support. But she's there for an hour in a week. The other 167 are just me, and they're bloody hard.

On the surface I look so happy. I have everything going in my favour. I've got some great friends. I have a job. I'm otherwise healthy. Except for my stupid head. My head won't let me be happy.

In terms of other stress... I don't even know where to begin.

I don't even know what I'm looking for here. Reassurance that I'm not the only one? Any advice on where I can get some extra help on the psych side of it, given that my current team can't seem to do much?

Saralee4

Do you have a close friend that you could talk too? Or maybe one person in the family that would keep it private?

I know you told the psych your thoughts but maybe you could explain that although you don't think that you would do anything to harm yourself that your thoughts are damaging and hurtful enough that you would like to concentrate and talk about it the get it off your chest and help with learning how to deal with it.

Chucky the tree

Have you asked your therapist if there is a group system you could get involved in? Kinda like AA type of thing. No idea if that exists myself.

littlemisshobo

Mind, Aware and Grow have very good websites and numbers you can call to chat too. I can relate to parts of what you're talking about. Last year I was diagnosed with bipolar & I found it frustrating when I wasn't sick enough for psych team to do anything. Turning to a friend or someone you trust will help. Have a look at the websites I mentioned. Aware often do free CBT online courses and just giving your mind something positive to focus on can help.

But keeping secrets won't help in the long run. Maybe bring a close family member in with you when you next see the psych. They can help explain your diagnosis and answer any questions.

One thing that helped me most was getting my mind going again by doing a course. Learning and having that to focus on was a big confidence boost and really helped me feel a purpose.

I feel for you cause I know how hard these things are. Talk to people; don't bottle it up... even if it's just through this forum...

LegacyUser

Saralee4 wrote: »

Do you have a close friend that you could talk too? Or maybe one person in the family that would keep it private?

I know you told the psych your thoughts but maybe you could explain that although you don't think that you would do anything to harm yourself that your thoughts are damaging and hurtful enough that you would like to concentrate and talk about it the get it off your chest and help with learning how to deal with it.

Some friends know, they just can't deal with someone who is passively suicidal (as a pose to actively). They don't know what to say and I don't know what I want them to say either. But I'm not their responsibility.

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Have you asked your therapist if there is a group system you could get involved in? Kinda like AA type of thing. No idea if that exists myself.

I've tried group therapy. It wasn't for me. I'm too paranoid that somebody will know me but even taking that out, I'm too much of a narcissist to care enough about others to listen to their problems, so I assume that everyone else is the same and therefore nobody cares about me and it starts me in a spiral.

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Mind, Aware and Grow have very good websites and numbers you can call to chat too. I can relate to parts of what you're talking about. Last year I was diagnosed with bipolar & I found it frustrating when I wasn't sick enough for psych team to do anything. Turning to a friend or someone you trust will help. Have a look at the websites I mentioned. Aware often do free CBT online courses and just giving your mind something positive to focus on can help.

But keeping secrets won't help in the long run. Maybe bring a close family member in with you when you next see the psych. They can help explain your diagnosis and answer any questions.

One thing that helped me most was getting my mind going again by doing a course. Learning and having that to focus on was a big confidence boost and really helped me feel a purpose.

I feel for you cause I know how hard these things are. Talk to people; don't bottle it up... even if it's just through this forum...

Thanks - I will look into aware, mind and grow. I've tried the samaratins but found them a bit judgemental or something.

Maybe I'm the problem

I keep my brain engaged. I'm doing a course in work and it does help keep my mind off it sometimes.

I'm trying to open up to people, but people don't seem to know what to say. Example if someone asked how I am today, and I was honest, I'd have to tell them that it took a lot of self restraint not to buy a rope to do damage to myself with on my lunch hour. People don't know how to react to that, and I'm not doing it for the shock factor, it was genuinely how I felt until I got my head in gear.

I'm trying everything I can. I'm eating well. I'm exercising. I'm sleeping. I'm taking my meds. I'm talking to my therapist. I'm being honest with my psych. And I'm still experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Saralee4

You mentioned that you had another "stress in my life at the moment (apologies for the vagueness - I don't want to be identifiable".

Has this been something that triggered the suicidal thoughts?

Are you dealing with this other stress and talking to someone about that?

Chucky the tree

HelpMyHead wrote: »

I've tried group therapy. It wasn't for me. I'm too paranoid that somebody will know me but even taking that out, I'm too much of a narcissist to care enough about others to listen to their problems, so I assume that everyone else is the same and therefore nobody cares about me and it starts me in a spiral.

Not 100% sure why really but this line jumped out at me a bit. Considering you're reluctant to tell your family/friends your problems and you'll worry people would recognise you it seems somewhat conflicting you're worried that a group of strangers won't care about you or you're problems. I would have thought that would have almost been a good thing.

LegacyUser

Saralee4 wrote: »

You mentioned that you had another "stress in my life at the moment (apologies for the vagueness - I don't want to be identifiable".

Has this been something that triggered the suicidal thoughts?

Are you dealing with this other stress and talking to someone about that?

It's a bereavement, so yeah, I suppose it could have triggered the thoughts. And I'm talking to my therapist about it, so in that sense I suppose I am dealing with it.

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Not 100% sure why really but this line jumped out at me a bit. Considering you're reluctant to tell your family/friends your problems and you'll worry people would recognise you it seems somewhat conflicting you're worried that a group of strangers won't care about you or you're problems. I would have thought that would have almost been a good thing.

My friends know what is going on. I just don't like being a burden on them.

Perhaps I'm not explaining it properly. I have a habit of not really actually saying what I want to say. I am not sure how to explain it fully. I suppose, in a way, I'd like the strangers to care. But in my previous experience with group therapy the anxiety associated with the group sessions far, far outweighed any benefits that I got from going to the group. Even when they were all strangers, I couldn't bring myself to be fully open with them. I can't really explain it properly I suppose but my therapist agrees that group is not for me

Chucky the tree

HelpMyHead wrote: »

It's a bereavement, so yeah, I suppose it could have triggered the thoughts. And I'm talking to my therapist about it, so in that sense I suppose I am dealing with it.



My friends know what is going on. I just don't like being a burden on them.

Perhaps I'm not explaining it properly. I have a habit of not really actually saying what I want to say. I am not sure how to explain it fully. I suppose, in a way, I'd like the strangers to care. But in my previous experience with group therapy the anxiety associated with the group sessions far, far outweighed any benefits that I got from going to the group. Even when they were all strangers, I couldn't bring myself to be fully open with them. I can't really explain it properly I suppose but my therapist agrees that group is not for me

Sounds to me like you're just very worried about what peoples perceptions/thoughts of you are. I'm not sure if that's something you've discussed with your therapist or not.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Sounds to me like you're just very worried about what peoples perceptions/thoughts of you are. I'm not sure if that's something you've discussed with your therapist or not.

Yeah, it's something we've discussed in the past but have been a little bit preoccupied with suicidal thoughts to really work on self worth. At the moment all of my energy is going in to not harming myself, so there's not a lot of time left for anything else

Chucky the tree

HelpMyHead wrote: »

Yeah, it's something we've discussed in the past but have been a little bit preoccupied with suicidal thoughts to really work on self worth. At the moment all of my energy is going in to not harming myself, so there's not a lot of time left for anything else

Work on your self-worth and then maybe you'll be less inclined to self-harm? I'm no professional but I presume people don't self-harm because they think positively about themselves. Self-harming and having suicidal thoughts I don't think is really the problem, the problem is why are you having these thoughts? It's because you think so little of yourself imo.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, have you read the sticky at the top of the Forum "Information for Distressed Posters".

Please read it. You may get some help from it.