Very unpopular at work even after 8 years..

LegacyUser

I know this issue might seem very trivial to some people but it bothers me hence the question: Is it normal to remain unpopular at work for a long period of time? Im in my current job 8 years now and I seem to have a name as someone who only does the bare minimum, and probably not friendly. But i reached that point for a reason - i started very keen on working hard etc but i was screwed over 3 times, twice by a boss who threw me under the boss for a silly mistake HE made and another by a team-mate who secretly took credit for my work and when i found out and confronted him, he basically told me to fu&k off and laughed in my face. I learned a lot about work politics here and that nobody is to be trusted and hence why now I just barely pass myself to the people here, bar 4 people who I would be friendly enough with as I know them and sometimes meet outside of work.

My question is, is it normal to remain unpopular even if years pass?When i mention how i dont bother mixing with my workmates to my outside friends and family, they often retort "Oh no id be gone if i were you, I love my workmates, we go out a lot every month and we confide in each other" etc which leads me to think that someone unpopular should really move on and try somewhere else afresh as it seems people just never ever forget past incidents. Sadly leaving isnt an option with the payments and commitments i have. It just saddens me that some people write you off without even getting to know the real you and rely on OTHER PEOPLES opinion of you as to how to treat you. Sorry for long rant, today was just one day of being ignored too many.

TL;DR, if you are unpopular at work, is the only option to leave and start over or just forget about your workmates and keep the head down?

zoobizoo

What steps do you feel you could make to

(a) change your work mates opinion of you and
(b) to make personal connections with your workmates

I've made two good work friends in 20 years. I got on well with 99% of those I worked with and was screwed over by only one manager.

When I join a new place, if someone isn't friendly to me, I'll gravitate towards those who will chat to me and give the other person the space they seem to want.

Your lack of interaction causes you to think that you are unpopular and others to think that you don't want to be popular.

littlemisshobo

I think it's actually more positive to keep your work life separate to your social life. I'm sure it can be head wrecking at times, but if someone bases their opinion of you on what they've heard and not what they know, then they are probably not the kind of person you should be friends with. You mentioned there are 4 people who you do know outside of work; that's enough

It can sometimes be messier getting too friendly with people you work with cause you can get dragged into stupid politics. Anyway the guy who told you to **** off for calling him on claiming your work sounds like a dick and definitely not someone to become mates with.

About staying or going- aside from the friends side of things if you are happy in your job then stay. If it's making you unhappy then stay until you find something else. I would leave a job if I hated the people I work with, especially if it was stressing me out or making my work experience unpleasant.

MrWalsh

You are not being ignored because of what other people say. You are being ignored in response to your own behaviour. You can change your behaviour at any time. You freely admit that you are not friendly and do the bare minimum. 8 years is a long time to hold a grudge. I must be missing something because I don't see the point in acting that way? How is doing the bare minimum because you don't trust people a good strategy? I just don't get it? What's the gain for you? I prefer to do good work for myself, make the day pass quicker, I have my own integrity no matter how other people in the workplace behave.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe I'm being overly simplistic here but you did say "I just barely pass myself to the people here, bar 4 people who I would be friendly enough". If you're not making the effort with them, why on earth would they want to extend the hand of friendship to you? If I worked with someone who behaved like you, I'd certainly not want to spend time with them. I'd be wondering what I had done wrong and I'd think they were an odd fish.

When exactly did your relationship with these other people become non-existent? Was it after you were screwed over? I can't help but think that you were partially the architect of your own destruction here. People in offices see a lot more of what's going on than you think. Perhaps if you hadn't taken to barely passing yourself to the others, they'd have come to realise that you were a good guy. You aren't doing yourself any favours by doing the bare minimum either. Coupled with your unfriendliness, no wonder people think you've a bad attitude.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. The bare minimum thing is more me just wanting me to be out of there when I can, I dont like listening to all the politics for long so I usually go when my work is done. My boss offered me an extra project that he thought I would excel at, I refused flat out and said I cant coz my mum is very sick ( a bad lie I know but i was caught!) I think im caught in a circle of just giving up altogether on them after one too many failures when I tried to join in (they are harsh on people who arent socially perfect), so naturally you are not going to make a fool of yourself and try to get in with people who just dont like you so thats why i keep the head down. It doesnt upset me anymore that Im not invited to any events anymore (the thought of trying to make small talk with people who dislike you makes me sick), but it seems from the people out of work I know that being unpopular is akin to being fired or something to be ashamed of, almost a stigma.

As i said, i was told my my mate "Oh thats not normal, get out of there, start afresh, I play soccer with the lads 2 times a week and we are heading out next week", but surely not everyone can be that tight with their workmates. Maybe i should just accept my situation!

Stavro Mueller

So what is the issue as such? Is it only bothering you because you're comparing your friends and their colleagues to your own situation? If you're happy not to get involved with your other colleagues, then there is no issue. You've got your friends outside work so you're not depending on your workmates for a social life.
On the other hand, I don't think you should rule out looking for another job. You sound disillusioned with the workplace and with the people you work with. I mean, you invented a sick parent to avoid taking on a project! You seem to have burned a lot of bridges regarding your other colleagues. I think the fault for that lies partially with you and the way you've been behaving. I also think you're being needlessly paranoid to be honest. So yeah - I think a change would do you good.

Rubberchikken

i don't think people are treating you differently because of things that happened in the past. truth be tole, they probably don't remember them.

but the way you were treated has affected the way you mix/respond to them imho.

if you want to change this, you have to change the way you are with them. if it's really bothering and upsetting you, then look at ways you can change. but if it's something that is just niggling at you for whatever reason, then go on as you are.

i'm sorry you were treated badly by some of the others. some people are nasty/mean, but don't let a small few colour your opinion of everyone else.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So what is the issue as such? Is it only bothering you because you're comparing your friends and their colleagues to your own situation? If you're happy not to get involved with your other colleagues, then there is no issue. You've got your friends outside work so you're not depending on your workmates for a social life.
On the other hand, I don't think you should rule out looking for another job. You sound disillusioned with the workplace and with the people you work with. I mean, you invented a sick parent to avoid taking on a project! You seem to have burned a lot of bridges regarding your other colleagues. I think the fault for that lies partially with you and the way you've been behaving. I also think you're being needlessly paranoid to be honest. So yeah - I think a change would do you good.

The issue is that I still have a strong sense of bitterness towards them for their past actions and the fact that they have very long memories with regards to the things I did or said. I may have tried too hard in the past etc but im only human, why cant some people see that! A lot of times it doesnt bother me, I accept im unpopular but little things can get to me when im down. For example, Im an expert at a certain software in work and I noticed a workmate asking others for help, and they all said they didnt know and they full well know im an expert and not one of them approached me and asked "Do you know how to operate it", its almost like I have the plague or something. Then when new people start they are so friendly to them and dont treat them as nasty as they do me, its baffling, I really dont get the workplace at times.

I know I should just accept that work is about how popular you are and how much the manager likes or dislikes you but its tough to take at times..

Chucky the tree

Judging purely from your posts I'd avoid you if I worked with you as well tbh.

I mean in your first post you complain about " have a name as someone who only does the bare minimum" and then in your next post you tell us how you didn't take on a extra project and you even lied about your mother being sick to avoid doing it. Talk about lol. No wonder your colleagues hate you.


MrWalsh summed it up

You are being ignored in response to your own behaviour.

bee06

notapopularkind wrote: »

For example, Im an expert at a certain software in work and I noticed a workmate asking others for help, and they all said they didnt know and they full well know im an expert and not one of them approached me and asked "Do you know how to operate it", its almost like I have the plague or something. Then when new people start they are so friendly to them and dont treat them as nasty as they do me, its baffling, I really dont get the workplace at times.

You make up sick parents to get out of work and say yourself you only do the bare minimum and are surprised when someone doesn't ask you to make an effort then? Take some responsibility for the situation yourself. People aren't going to make an effort to be friendly with you if they think you don't want them to or they will get the cold shoulder like you've been giving for however many years.

Stavro Mueller

notapopularkind wrote: »

The issue is that I still have a strong sense of bitterness towards them for their past actions and the fact that they have very long memories with regards to the things I did or said. I may have tried too hard in the past etc but I'm only human, why can't
some people see that!

What exactly is it that you expect them to see? People aren't telepathic. It's possible that they've long since forgotten the original incidents. What the problem is nowadays is the way you behave towards them. You barely pass yourself to them. What other reaction can you expect from them?

I'm an expert at a certain software in work and I noticed a workmate asking others for help, and they all said they didn't know and they full well know I'm an expert and not one of them approached me and asked "Do you know how to operate it", its almost like I have the plague or something.

If I worked alongside someone with an attitude like yours, you'd be way down my list of people to ask as well. I feel like I'm stating the bleedin' obvious here but in any office where someone wants help and has a choice of who to ask, they'll always go for someone who has a nice manner, is helpful and won't make them feel like an idiot.

I nearly laughed when you said it's almost like you have the plague or something. I bet your colleagues have wondered the very same thing about them. You chose to barely interact with them. Why you seem to think they'll want anything to do with you after that is beyond me

I know I should just accept that work is about how popular you are and how much the manager likes or dislikes you but its tough to take at times..

No it's not. You're confusing popularity with having good working relationships. Work friendships are mostly castles built in the sand - most of them fizzle out once someone leaves the job. You have barely made the effort with most of your colleagues so why you think they should be friendly towards you is beyond me.

You're your worst enemy here. While it's awful that you had those bad experiences at the start, you are the one who has done yourself the most harm in the intervening years. Don't fool yourself into thinking your boss bought that excuse regarding the project either. I bet no other project like it has come your way since.

LegacyUser

@ Stavro, fair enough I may be letting my earlier experiences make me negative but I do have good reason, I see new person after new person (we expanded a lot in recent years) join, all of them different characters, and they get warm welcomes and invites to different events, soccer etc. Now my issue with that isnt the fact that they get the invites, its that if some of the new people refuse these invitations, they are forgiven a lot easier than if I refused them years ago. I refused once and was completely given up on and yet there is one particular guy I work with and they ask him over and over again, what makes him so different??

Its a self-serving circle and Im not sure its even worth trying with them at this stage, but I am genuinely surprised by the amount of people who are horrified at the prospect of being disliked at work and would consider work as almost their social life...

dellas1979

notapopularkind wrote: »

I am genuinely surprised by the amount of people who are horrified at the prospect of being disliked at work and would consider work as almost their social life...

I dont care what people at work think of me (personally). As long as I am doing a good job. Im not there to be popular.

I smile and am polite, and chat about somethings, but they are my colleagues, not my friends.

Today, Id 2 confrontations with colleagues at work. We resolved them (sometimes not to my liking) but then I get on with it. And 30 mins later, sit down and have my lunch with them. I dont like holding grudges. Its not good for me. Do you think if I held a grudge, the other person would care? No. So Im not going to get myself in a tizzy.

One of my colleagues today said to me "gosh such and such is so bitchy..." and my response was "isnt it a sign of insecurity to be bitching about someone else?". An hour later, we were having a coffee and having a laugh.

Do you know yourself what type of employee you want to be? Someone who is hard working/straight up/honest, yet friendly and polite. Or someone who does the bare minimum/doesnt care (even in the office)/wants to be popular/or liked, but doesnt make an effort to be friendly.

Thats your choice how you behave. Noone else is making you behave like that. Only yourself.

Hollister11

Being popular or having everyone like me is nothing I have ever cared about. And I know the next comment isn't helpful but if I was in a job and someone took credit and the boss laughed at me I'd tell him/her where to shove their job.

If you like your job stay on, if you don't and can get a job somewhere else move. Fresh starts are always good.

Stavro Mueller

notapopularkind wrote: »

@ Stavro, fair enough I may be letting my earlier experiences make me negative but I do have good reason, I see new person after new person (we expanded a lot in recent years) join, all of them different characters, and they get warm welcomes and invites to different events, soccer etc.

The difference between them and you is that there's baggage. You started out in the job, presumably being sociable to everyone. Then you had those bad experiences and things went sour. I'm not suggesting for a moment that you weren't hard done by but the way you dealt with things burnt bridges.

On the other hand, you don't sound like you like or respect these colleagues anyway. If you accept that you're never going to have much of a working relationship with them and you're OK with that, then there is no issue.

Having said that, I do think you should look around for another job. There's no harm in quietly going for interviews and seeing if you can get something else. As things stand you are sort of stuck, aren't you? If the sort of work you do has some sort of career path, you're not going to be going anywhere by staying where you are.

DeanAustin

Hollister11 wrote: »

Being popular or having everyone like me is nothing I have ever cared about. And I know the next comment isn't helpful but if I was in a job and someone took credit and the boss laughed at me I'd tell him/her where to shove their job.

If you like your job stay on, if you don't and can get a job somewhere else move. Fresh starts are always good.

Not for this person. Judging by their posts, they'll have problems wherever they go.

Most people get knockbacks in their careers. I understand that not everyone is just going to bounce back up and go again with the same enthusiasm. However, this person's attitude stinks to high heaven.

Stinjy

Okay I didn't read everything because tbh, I got bored. Some work places have people you get on with others don't . My self I get on with everyone, like seriously everyone unless they've done something to annoy me and I could count those people on one hand..

First place I worked was hell. The others were mean, laughed at you when you did something wrong and used stuff against you. I had silent treatment from a manager and the owner who was in all the time didn't care! - I thought fcuk this is what I'm in for for the rest of my life. Stayed for two years and it just go so overwhelming, every morning I contemplated calling in sick, and dreaded going to work. I eventually did call in sick (I was genuinely bed ridden for two days) and I got shouted at for leaving them in the lurch. anyway left there and moved to the same kind of job but different company and I swear the difference was immense! Never once even dreamed of calling in sick I got on really well with everyone and we used to go and socialise and everything, not always all of us but usually we had a good group of the "regulars". This was the hardest place I ever had to leave, and if I come back to Ireland it is the first place I will go back to to look for a job! We got new people all the time and everyone just got on we're all there for the same reason after all.

TL;DR, your work situation sounds shockingly bad and if at all possible I wouldn't be staying there but as I've seen in some other posts you may have to modify YOUR behaviour or it'll be the same everywhere!

osarusan

To be honest, it sounds like you were hard done by, got justifiably pissed off about it, and have since nursed and nurtured this grudge and allowed it to define who you are at work ('no point being friendly or working hard here - nobody likes me and I'll probably be screwed over like last time').

knotknowbody

notapopularkind wrote: »

For example, Im an expert at a certain software in work and I noticed a workmate asking others for help, and they all said they didnt know and they full well know im an expert and not one of them approached me and asked "Do you know how to operate it", its almost like I have the plague or something.

If you want to be accepted and popular at work, then the above is the kind of situation where you approach the person that was looking for help, say you know a lot about that software and offer what ever help you can, even if it means spending a half hour going through it with them and leaving yourself behind for the rest of the day.

If people see you as approachable and helpful, they will include you in stuff and even help you if you ask for it, you don't even have to be all chatty and having the craic, just make small talk and help them if you can, I find it's about give and take.

I don't like some of my colleagues because they bitch about other people behind their backs or they screwed me over in the past but I don't hold a grudge and they don't know how I really feel about them, I'll go on nights out with them and even buy them drinks, because it makes my work life easier.

Everyone sometimes has confrontations and disagreements with colleagues, but you have to move past them and not hold a grudge or openly show your dislike for them otherwise you will be seen as grumpy/sour/unfriendly/narky, when someone at work does or says something I don't like or screws me over my motto is forgive but don't forget, at least now I know what kind of person they are so I can protect myself from there ways in the future.