Six months of chemo :(

spud82

Hi all

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in December. He had surgery a few weeks ago and was told that he will need to have six months of chemo every week, and than a possible month of radium.

I am really scared. I live away from home so visit my dad once or twice a week, and just feel so sorry and sad to he has to go through this, and scared for how sick he will be. The only good thing is that the doctor told him that once the chemo is over he is confident my dad will be okay.

I think I just need advice on how I can help my dad through this. I phoned the Irish Cancer Society they have been great. I just want to know how I can help and be there for him and my mam x

Shrap

I'm sorry to hear this OP. It's really, really tough watching a loved one go through this illness and treatment, but I'm glad your dad's doctor has been so positive. There have been the most amazing strides in cancer treatment in recent years and where prognosis wasn't always hopeful before, these days doctors can be so much more confident, so that's something really good.

My aunt went through 6 months of chemo starting in september 2013, also followed by radiotherapy for secondaries. It was tough looking after her because she lives alone (and fiercely independently) in a city at least 2 hrs from any family, but she has an amazing network of friends who all pulled together to help. They set up a daily phone in to check if she needed anything, and did a rota system to bring her to her weekly chemo sessions. The second day after chemo is usually the worst one, I think.

I went down for every 2nd weekend, as did my mother on the other weekends, to cook for the week and freeze portions so she could heat up (the tiny quantities that she was able to eat) as needed, shop and clean and collect prescriptions.

Your Mum will be taking all this on, so if you were able to get involved to take some of the load off her with the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, that is exactly what you could be doing on your days that you visit, and get a routine going for doing this. You may have to insist on taking some jobs off her - I know what mammies are like! Visit on regular days, and make sure she has jobs lined up for you - shopping list, etc.

I'm sure they have friends who will rally around as well, but it's hugely important that someone checks in with your parents every day just to see can they do anything (and important that they're let help too....). Perhaps you could sit down with mum and dad and say you'll organise a phone rota among the friends?

Your dad will go through some massive physical changes, and it's so tough to witness (obviously, it's tougher to be the one experiencing this) but you'll be surprised how much you can pretend not to notice for your Dad's sake OP. I know you're scared for him, so take comfort from the fact that my 70 yr old aunt just went on holidays to Italy with a friend after looking like she wouldn't last through Christmas 2013, and she's back holding dinner parties again!

After a while on the treatment, the hair will go (but come back after treatment), the weight will drop and he will be exhausted after doing any small thing. One other thing is to perhaps consider a temporary change of rooms if his bedroom is upstairs as he gets more tired out? Stairs are tough going when you're shuffling back to bed, but being able to join in family life in the kitchen/sitting room when he can will be very necessary. He'll be doing a lot of sleeping/resting, but perhaps there's a room closer to the kitchen where your folks could move to temporarily, so also your mum won't have to be up and down the stairs 30 times a day....

I wish you all strength, and all the best for his treatment OP. It's great you're close enough to be of assistance! Good luck.

spud82

Thanks OP. Dad is doing well so far, really positive. I will go out whenever they want and our family and friends have been awesome. I just have to mentally prepare myself for his change in appearance. He is really big and tall and used to play a lot of sports so for him to look tiny will scare the shiite out of me. I know the next few months will be tough but he will get there x

Shrap

spud82 wrote: »

Thanks OP. Dad is doing well so far, really positive. I will go out whenever they want and our family and friends have been awesome. I just have to mentally prepare myself for his change in appearance. He is really big and tall and used to play a lot of sports so for him to look tiny will scare the shiite out of me. I know the next few months will be tough but he will get there x

It is scary spud, no doubt about it and it certainly brings up every fear we have about our loved one's mortality and our own....but the most positive thing I can tell you about going through this is how much you will get to know both your parents in such an adult capacity and actually what a specially lovely thing it is to have your whole family pull together during hard times. It is a big thing for me that I know I was needed, and I was there for my aunt, and we have the most amazing relationship now. Yes, your dad will look rough...and frail, but I'm sure you'll be astounded by the strength that he will show you in a different way, and he by your strength. Not every change that happens will be bad hon, a lot of it will be incredibly important to you in the coming years when you look back on this time.

All the best xx

spud82

Shrap wrote: »

It is scary spud, no doubt about it and it certainly brings up every fear we have about our loved one's mortality and our own....but the most positive thing I can tell you about going through this is how much you will get to know both your parents in such an adult capacity and actually what a specially lovely thing it is to have your whole family pull together during hard times. It is a big thing for me that I know I was needed, and I was there for my aunt, and we have the most amazing relationship now. Yes, your dad will look rough...and frail, but I'm sure you'll be astounded by the strength that he will show you in a different way, and he by your strength. Not every change that happens will be bad hon, a lot of it will be incredibly important to you in the coming years when you look back on this time.

All the best xx

Thanks so much for your kind words, means a lot xxxx

The Princess Bride

Hello OP.
I'm glad you've made contact with the Irish Cancer Society, it also has some publications I'd recommend for your family at this time.
Who Can Ever Understand?Talking About Your Cancer & Understanding The Emotional Effects Of Cancer.

There is a list of support groups etc...included in the following link.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=76512046

Best wishes to all of you, think positive and stay strong.

Littlekittylou

spud82 wrote: »

Hi all


I think I just need advice on how I can help my dad through this. I phoned the Irish Cancer Society they have been great. I just want to know how I can help and be there for him and my mam x

I know what you are going through been through the exact same thing over the last year and out the other side.

I think look after the little niggling things for him life's inconveniences and realize he will be very sick for a while nursing is key.

Be positive for him keep the positive vibes there around him.

Look after yourself. It is scary i know. You will be overwhelmed and exhausted look after yourself. And let him know you are there for him to talk to.

My Dad's appearance changed too. It was more seeing him ill or in pain though. I am living at home and was cooking a lot for him. Or trying to make him comfortable. He had odd symptoms.

Either the living room becomes a bedroom or his bedroom becomes another room. Either way that works for you. You will know things you never knew before.How much he ate or how many times he used the loo. It was amazing to me how strong he was and that I am. My mother is an angel. But then after a while you see little improvements.



BUT my dad's PSA results are good now!


Keep it in mind. This is a journey to go through to get rid of it. And keep positive and save all the energy for this.



Good luck!
xxx

LifesgoodwithLG

Op

jimmycrackcorm

The best thing you can do for your dad spud is do as ,such as you can for him to show you care. Spend time with him, if he is up to it then try do activities even if it is just asking him out for a drink, go fishing whatever.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi OP.

Right here goes, my Mother , Sister and last year my brother have all had cancer and all of them are survivors.

I won't lie to you , last year was absolutely horrendous at times however we all got through it and we heard the magical R word- Remission in December. Here are some of the things that I learned that I hope can help,

Take your cues from your dad, he could be having a good day and be ' normal pre illness dad' and not want to talk about his illness or treatment. Similarly he could be having a bad day and could not give a rats a*s about any non illness topic that you want to talk about. When you go into the house, put your 'Game Face' on and then act appropriately. I was once told, tell your face that today is a good day when I came in with a mopey face one day. There's a very good leaflet called 'Speaking to someone with cancer' that I found useful.

Practical things :Your mam is going to be extra busy in keeping the show on the road and looking after your dad, Can you help out in any way such as cooking and freezing dinners ( Your dad mightn't be able to use a microwave), making wholesome soup, cleaning the house, helping with laundary, mowing lawns, paying bills ( even administration ) , giving people lifts etc. One of the things that I helped out with was acting as a central communication point so that extended family and close friends contacted me after hospital visits, procedures, treatment etc so that my loved one did not have to answer the very same questions after a gruelling day. Similarly I contacted the hospital each day to ask about his night and then texted around immediate family to let them know.

sparksfly

Hi op,
My dad and mum both got cancer the same year (2000). Dads was lymphoma, mums was leukemia.

Dad had chemo for six months, he went from 15 to 7 stone during treatment.
Mom had powerful oral treatment.

Mum died in 2013, aged 80 from a non cancer related illness.
Dad still smokes 40 a day.

Keep the spirits up.

baby and crumble

My best advice to you, OP, is not to loose your sense of humour. Don't try and tip-toe around the issue. You have to acknowledge it all. Sometimes, cancer and what happens during treatment is just funny, and you need to laugh about it (otherwise all you'll do is cry). One of the funniest things that happened, and actually one of my favourite memories of my Mum is her texting me telling me she was going to shave her head after her 2nd chemo treatment because overnight there had been "a bigger fallout than Chernobyl"".

Sometimes it's going to be awful. Seeing your parent, who has always looked after you, be sick and perhaps frail is the worst. It grows you up fast.

Your Mam is going to be doing a lot, and if you can organise to give her an afternoon off to get her hair done, or meet a friend outside the house for a coffee or something, do it. It's important she has a chance to decompress too.

The house will need to be spotless during chemo, because your Dads immune system will be impacted so going home and deep cleaning the toilet or whatever it is so your Mam doesn't have to will be really helpful.

And let your Dad still be your Dad. You know? if you have something you need to ask him, like for advice or whatever, do it. My Mum wanted to keep feeling normal so I used to go and yap to her about what was happening in work, all that. Just because he's sick it doesn't mean his brain isn't working, he can still be you Dad. Just a different kind for a while.

Chin up, OP. It's a rough time, but you'll get through it.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi OP.
Right here goes, my Mother , Sister and last year my brother have all had cancer and all of them are survivors.
I won't lie to you , last year was absolutely horrendous at times however we all got through it and we heard the magical R word- Remission in December. Here are some of the things that I learned that I hope can help,
Take your cues from your dad, he could be having a good day and be ' normal pre illness dad' and not want to talk about his illness or treatment. Similarly he could be having a bad day and could not give a rats a*s about any non illness topic that you want to talk about. When you go into the house, put your 'Game Face' on and then act appropriately. I was once told, tell your face that today is a good day when I came in with a mopey face one day. There's a very good leaflet called 'Speaking to someone with cancer' that I found useful. Respect your dad's privacy ( about sharing information outside of the home ) and boundaries - we are all different.


Practical things :Your mam is going to be extra busy in keeping the show on the road and looking after your dad, Can you help out in any way such as cooking and freezing dinners ( Your dad mightn't be able to use a microwave), making wholesome soup, cleaning the house, helping with laundary, mowing lawns, paying bills ( even administration ) , giving people lifts etc. One of the things that I helped out with was acting as a central communication point so that extended family and close friends contacted me after hospital visits, procedures, treatment etc so that my loved one did not have to answer the very same questions after a gruelling day. Similarly I contacted the hospital each day to ask about his night and then texted around immediate family to let them know. Ask your mam what you can do to help, you are lucky in that you can go home twice a week so maybe you could download their favourite programmes, box sets etc. Think what 'extras' can you help out with to free up your mam's time.


Physical changes : I won't lie its hard seeing the physical manifestations of their illness. You have to keep reminding yourself that chemo makes them ill but it will kill off the cancer cells. Everyone is different, one aunt flew through chemo with little side effects, my sister lost her hair after her first treatment and my brother kept his until half way through. Its hard however...... temporary (nasty ) side effects that will be reversed after treatment. ps be warned their hair can grow back curly and it feels extra lovely I promise you .


Immune System : your dads blood count and immune system will be down at certain stages. A calendar can help track when his bloods are down. Anyone with a sniffle, cold, coldsore - anything that your can pick up should be banned from the house. In our house babies and also children in crèches were banned. My loved one had extensive treatment for 8 months so they could not be around any pregnant women. All cases may not be the same, however remember your dad's immune system takes precedence over everything. Anti Bacterial should also be used. Nutri bullets ( which are juicers and definitely not what I initially thought they were are an excellent way of getting nutrients in if your dad loses his appetite. Soups are great and jellies can be good if he gets mouth ulcers.


Emotions: Fear and Anger, Hope and Sadness, without a shadow of doubt this was the hardest area for us all. Sometimes the person who is ill can get very angry and bitter that this is happening to them. While you can recognize that this can be a manifestation of their fear it can be hard to deal with. If you can access help ( such as ARC ) than get in contact with them. One of the best best things that I did last year was to have a weekly call with a counsellor as this really helped me get through some very difficult painful times. if this is not for you than seek our a trusted friend that you can talk too. The goal is that you can talk to them and in some ways ' offload' so that you can be the strong person your family needs. Strength is asking for help with you need it and I am very grateful I did. If you want to cry - CRY ( its a miracle that I am not banned from Dublin bus as I suffered from extreme leaky eye syndrome ), go for a walk , do anything positive you can to keep going. You need to look after yourself Spud, its an emotionally draining time so make sure you eat, get some exercise, talk and also have fun.


Spud I have acres more to write , as I said every cancer and treatment is different so you mightn't experience any of the above. Last year was very tough but we made it through. It won't be easy BUT..................... Bring on the warrior gene in you. Do you have any siblings that you can talk to and share the above. You are not on your own, me and all of your fellow boardsies have your back. Feel free to write and ask anything.
Your dad and mam are lucky to have you .
LG.

Shrap

Fabulous post, well done. ^^

spud82

Lads I can honestly say I have been moved to tears by your kind words.

I visited dad yesterday and he was in good form, his usual self, slagging me about Liverpool and my love life. He is meeting the oncologist next week, and the week after he will start his chemo for six months followed by a month of radium.

He will have the chemo each week, and the doctor is confident he will make a full recovery. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer When the biopsy came back they found cancer in both nodes, so that is the reason for the chemo. It was caught at stage 2 so we were so lucky.

Im going to go home every week with food books magazines etc. My mam was always OCD about cleaning so I'll give her a hand. It will be a ****ty few months but i am going to focus on the end of the journey. I live an hour from home so I can come home whenever needs be

Dad is focusing on his godsons wedding in October, and he wants to be there on the day.

Thanks so much for everything guys means a lot xxx

LifesgoodwithLG

Seriously my kidneys must be located directly behind my eyelids as you have started me off again but this time is good as I am thinking of how far we have come as a family.

You don't come out of an illness the same way you go into it ( similarly for family ) but good can come out of it e.g. my mam hadn't been outside of Ireland or the UK before her illness, guess what in her first year post remission she went to Belgium ( to see me ), France, Germany and America, next year was Canada, Spain and somewhere else, I have lost count of all the countries she has gone to. As a family we have all jelled together, granted we are more the Sopranos than the Waltons but you get my drift. For me, last year was a revelation, I decided that you have one life to live and I was going to make the absolute best of it. I gave up working for a great company in a good pensionable job ( which I hated ) to go back to college and to retrain in something that I have always wanted to do.

Your dad is still your dad who loves you , he's probably concerned about the impact of his illness on you guys. This might sound a bit contrived but think of things ( easy breezy ) that you can talk about - e.g. Liverpools season , the upcoming wedding. Its brilliant that he has something to focus on. Being ill, you can feel powerless and completely out of control, ask his advice about your general life etc - he's your dad and will still need to feel like your dad. Dad what do you think of.... Dad wait till I tell you about .....

Spud, its different for every family and also for every person in the family. Come together as a family and be there to support each other. If you have family who live away then they can also help by staying in contact more. Everyone can help in their own way. When times are tough then keep thinking it won't always be like this.

One thought I want to leave you with....
Mam's in remission for second Cancer 20 years, My sister 10 and my brother 2 months and if I say so myself they are all bleeding massive. It aint easy but man oh man this fight is so worth it. I am so looking forward to getting a message or seeing a post saying - guess what Dad's in remission. Boardsies got your back.

spud82

Quick question. Does a surgeon and an oncologists opinion vary from each others? Just that we have been told how much chemo dad will need by surgeon but not oncologist and I am worried that the oncologist will give us more bad news? x