I'm a bit lost and confused....

tadpole0

Hey. I'm 18 and started college in September and getting on fine. However, there are some issues I' am having an I fear they will set me back:

1. In September, at the end of a tutorial, a pretty girl said hello and we chatted a bit. I didn't think much of it and a couple of weeks later she approached me and started chatting properly. I thought she was nice but got it into my head that when she started giggling randomly , she was into me. We are doing relatively similar but different courses, so I only see her in the tutorial. I think I'am infatuated/obsessed with her. Coming from an all lads school I don't have much experience with women and I think I have put her on a pedestal and have invested a lot of time thinking about her. But the real problem is I might see her sometimes and I wouldn't say hi and my facial expressions would just remain indifferent. Two weeks ago we had a great conversation after not seeing each other for weeks. A week later, I decided to initiate the conversation myself, but received a very blunt response. I can't get this out of my head. Last week, I didn't make any eye contact with her at all... (I cant stop replaying every interaction with her several times in my head, seeing if there is something I am missing).

2. I could have added her on Facebook. By the way, I have gone on her page several times and have't added her, part of the reason this obsession is worrying me. I suppose. However, when I was younger I joined Facebook and to prevent my parents form seeing my profile, I added no picture. However, the more time that went on, the less social I got and the more self-conscious I got about myself, ultimately leaving me with no picture. I can get on with people fine but I suppose I'am an introvert trying to be an extrovert, you know? However, my Facebook activity is nonexistent and I am just a bit to conscious about people seeing my picture on it. Plus, in my opinion anyway, having no profile picture is seen as a bit dodgy, no?

3. Stared second term several weeks ago and I have this friend who I haven't spoken to in a while. I sit with her in certain class every week. We bumped into each other several times and said hi. Last week I think she may have intentionally ignored me for not talking to her. It was never intentional, I am busy and just never got round to seeing how she is. But what I really hate about myself is that I plan on speaking to her this week, but I have that class starting again, so is she just going to think that I' am using the friendship as an excuse to have someone to sit beside?

4. Speaking of the whole friend thing, in secondary school, I was great friends with this lad and he would usually invite my over to his house every day during lunch. However, I think I began getting to clingy to him and in 6th year he stopped doing so and I knew he was distancing himself away from me. From this experience, I identified that I was indeed being too clingy with some people, in other words, not giving them space to breathe. So in college I thought I would take a different approach (giving people more space) , but the friend I was talking about above is making me think differently. What am I doing wrong?

5. I have a hand-washing problem. When I was younger I frequently got sick and I suppose became more aware of my habits. But for the past 4 years I am aware of what I touch and where it been. In other words, if I'am about to eat something, I HAVE to wash my hands. But I use hand wash soap and is making my hands quite cracked and red. I am paranoid that the girl I like notices it and I try to cover it up.

6. Last one, I think. When I' am at college I can't help but feel quite uncomfortable in general when surrounded by several hundreds of people and really don't know where to look. I have friends who I will go in with lectures with, but if I am on my own, I feel extremely self conscious and paranoid of my looks, that there are people judging and laughing at me, that the girl I like may spot me (We have one lecture the same - 200 people) and may think less of my or think I'am a loner. If my friends aren't around I may see other people who I know but I feel bad about sitting beside them, in the case that I annoy them or I have ruined their plans or something..


I plan on going to the college therapist when I can get a date, but could just do with some opinions in the meantime. Sorry if the post is difficult to read etc. But try and read it all and be honest. Thanks.

LLMMML

I think you can see yourself these are all related issues, with a lot of obsessive, paranoid, introspective thoughts.

It's hard to give advice as you seem quite self aware. I'm guessing you KNOW that nobody is judging you even though you FEEL they are.

One thing to try and get a handle on would be overanalysing people's reactions. We all have interactions where what we said wasn't perfect. The other person probably doesn't even notice or forgets it instantly, but if we think about it over and over again we come up with multiple possibilities for their reactions. The fact is that it is impossible to tell what someone is thinking. But look at what you think of people who don't respond perfectly in conversation. Do you hate them? Do you laugh at them behind their back constantly? Or do you barely even notice and completely forget about it? Probably the latter and other people are the same. They just don't care if your conversation isn't perfect. At some level I think you'll have to recognise when you're obsessing over someone's opinion of you and somehow stop. Easier said than done, I know.

The most important thing you said was about seeing your college counsellor. Make the appointment today (the waiting list could be long).

kjl

Wow, a lot to take it in one post.

I think your problem is that you overthink situations in your head. If you have done nothing to offend someone then don't presume you have. Just make it a point to keep talking to people. Sometime someone might be in a mood that has nothing to do with you.

Relax it's college, in 4 years time you will never see most of these people again so try to have some fun.

Littlekittylou

Everyone one goes through these little journeys and has these things. Only a professional can tell what they mean or don't.

I can identify with being self conscious. We all are. It affects you in this way. I think you have an inner self critic holding you back.

If my friends aren't around I may see other people who I know but I feel bad about sitting beside them, in the case that I annoy them or I have ruined their plans or something..

I think you are having problems identifying and communicating your emotions. And maybe a professional or others around you can actually help you process them and talk about them.

And relax you are very young :-)

tadpole0

Thanks for the replies, very insightful. I realize that I do over think and in the process, I don't acknowledge people (say hi, make eye contact etc.). It's a viscous circle, because after I don't acknowledge a person I make assumptions that they don't like me after that and it just goes on.

I will make an appointment with the counselor, but in the meantime, I have another question. This is probably over thinking again, but if I were to say hi to someone I know who I didn't exactly acknowledge previously, would they be suspicious, as in would they think I'am playing a game or something?

Thanks again.

littlemisshobo

nope... if you want to say hi, say hi... most people don't read so much into things, so try to take a deep breath and relax a little. Going to college is a big change and can be a bit overwhelming. It's good to vocalise you worries and taking with the counsellor, in the same way you posted, could help. If you like reading up on things yourself, the Cognitive Behavourial Therapy, CBT, can be a valuable read. It was help you to recognise thought patterns and to change them in a positive way. Maybe ask the counsellor about CBT if you want.

Definitely try to enjoy the college experience. I didn't click that much with people, outside of my immediate circle, in first year, but after my 3rd year I was SU President and had a pile of friends; some of whom I'm still good friends with 10 years later.

littlemisshobo

for your hands try Neutrogena hand cream. It's brilliant!

tadpole0

kjl wrote: »

Wow, a lot to take it in one post.

I think your problem is that you overthink situations in your head. If you have done nothing to offend someone then don't presume you have. Just make it a point to keep talking to people. Sometime someone might be in a mood that has nothing to do with you.

Relax it's college, in 4 years time you will never see most of these people again so try to have some fun.

Thanks for the advice. You were right about me over thinking about my friend who I hadn't talked to in while. Got on fine.

However, the girl who I'am infatuated with is doing two of the same modules as me and seemingly, every time I turn my back I spot her. It annoys me because of the way I have been treating her, but also the fact that I simply can't make any eye contact with her. I also can't help but feel quite sad that my mental processes screwed up a potential friendship for me.

I'am going to the counselor drop in-service tomorrow, I know these seem like very little problems, but I really can't seem to get myself out of my head if you know what I mean....

Rubberchikken

Hi op
Thery're not little problems when they affect your life.
I'm glad you're going to the counsellor. They should be able to point you in the right direction.

You sound like a great person who deserves to be having a great time in college and with a bit of help you'll achieve that.

Practice making eye contactand saying hi. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Good luck

Stinjy

Hey OP,

Glad you're going to the counsellor (s)he will be able to help you through this.

6. Last one, I think. When I'm at college I can't help but feel quite uncomfortable in general when surrounded by several hundreds of people and really don't know where to look. I have friends who I will go in with lectures with, but if I am on my own, I feel extremely self conscious and paranoid of my looks, that there are people judging and laughing at me, that the girl I like may spot me (We have one lecture the same - 200 people) and may think less of my or think I'am a loner. If my friends aren't around I may see other people who I know but I feel bad about sitting beside them, in the case that I annoy them or I have ruined their plans or something..

As someone who has been in those large college classes and understands some of that. Personally I hated walking in late or anything because I felt everyone was looking at me. Think about it, if the door opens most people turn to look it's natural (you probably do it too!) and by the end of the class no one even remembers looking!

If you are on your own or just in general I found it more comforting to sit at the back and watch what goes on in front. Now in some cases this may mean you can't see the material as well on the projector/ blackboard - Don't compromise your work but if you don't have difficulty seeing the work then you may feel more comfortable at the back because then you know there's no one watching you.
I found people also liked to watch what I was doing on the computer, during a particularly boring lecture I was checking a website that had memes and such on it and I obviously switched pages too fast because there were 3 or 4 lads behind me who all sighed in unison and I had to switch back to the previous page so they could finish reading - it's not always you but people may be looking at what you're doing especially if the class a bit boring :P

Also I found college to be a much more accepting place. Of course there are some people who just didn't grow up and will continue the bullying, I've come across it but I think people care a lot less... If you are a "loner" It probably wont cross their mind showing up to a few classes on your own, and if it does they might just come and chat to you, try to be open to it. (though i know this can be terrifying!!)

Being "clingy" is also a terrible thing, IMO, to call someone because it really sticks, I learned this in a similar fashion to you and led to loosing a group of people in secondary. Yes it's very possible that the person who said this to you needed space. But try not to let it affect all your future relationships because you will drive yourself insane with it. Go form friendships, some people are really good with initiating contact (texts etc.) others aren't. If you feel after a few months you're doing all the work, take a step back and see if you do nothing will they contact you* (*This is my method it doesn't always work and sometimes will make you fee like sh*t, but sometimes it's really reassuring when they make the first move - I still do this with one of my best friends that I talk to every day, some days I let him say hi first) But you need to form strong friendships as best you can first!


With regard to the people you haven't spoken to & the girl you'd like to speak to, just go say hi (again terrifying!) but look if it doesn't work or you feel foolish it's not the end of the world there are 197 other people in the class you don't have to ever talk to them again. BUT I think that the girl you used to sit with will probably be happy to catch up and have a chat. In my personal experience, I met a group in first year and then we drifted and didn't keep in contact, ended up in a class with them in 3rd year and they're now some really good friends of mine. I haven't kept in contact with some of them in the last 6 months but I know when I do meet them again it'll be a great catch up and all will be grand because most people if you form a bond with them at all are happy to get reacquainted. Also note that people "ignoring" you may be absolutely spot on but 9 times out of 10 it's totally unintentional unless you've done something major that we don't know about but I doubt it in such a short space of time!

Maybe join some clubs and socs too ! meet some like-minded people, after all that is the biggest joy of college, there are other people there that think like you and who enjoy the same thing they're not just there because they live near by which is essentially what most secondary schools are about! If you look you will find the most wonderful people but they may seem like the oddest bunch! Give everyone a shot and you could be surprised who you get to know!

At the end of the day OP college is 3 or 4 years depending on your course, and then you're out! If you form friendships great, if you don't it's not the end of the world! What you really need to do is focus on getting where you want to go in life, which is really difficult/ made much easier with a strong support network but remember they don't define you and try not to let anxiety get in the way of your career! You'll be great!!

tadpole0

Stinjy wrote: »

<SNIP> Please do not quote the entire post

Wow! Thanks for that reply, must have taken you along time to write! It's not like I don't have friends or anything, I suppose I'am just never satisfied or have this elevated perception of what I could be. Got back in contact with my friend in tutorial, which is good. However, it just seems like we are friends only in that context, if you understand what I mean.

As for the girl, I will just try to make eye contact and perhaps a hello. However, I can feel that there is definitely tension there...The session at the counselling went good, though I can see that I have several issues, all involving sensitivity and self-esteem etc.

Stinjy

tadpole0 wrote: »

Wow! Thanks for that reply, must have taken you along time to write! It's not like I don't have friends or anything, I suppose I'am just never satisfied or have this elevated perception of what I could be. Got back in contact with my friend in tutorial, which is good. However, it just seems like we are friends only in that context, if you understand what I mean.

As for the girl, I will just try to make eye contact and perhaps a hello. However, I can feel that there is definitely tension there...The session at the counselling went good, though I can see that I have several issues, all involving sensitivity and self-esteem etc.

Haha I forgot about that reply... (That's what happens when you write replies at 2am...)

Yeah I guess you just need to take it as it comes, some people you'll see in classes and they'll be lovely and friendly but outside of class they have other people they chat to and that might be a different group to you .. This happens.

If you can at all, just go with the flow.. I'm looking back over 4 years and had you asked me at your stage who I'd be friends with, how relationships work in college and stuff like that I would have given you a very different answer than what I know to be true today! - moral of the story just be, enjoy it, and take everything in! It's College OP! The best years of your life !! (well they might be if you don't count all the exams, classes etc. :rolleyes:)

Glad the session went well, you're wise to get these things sorted early and have a few years to deal with them! as for the girl - you'll be grand sure! It may be the best move of your life ... (I'm feeling a little optimistic tonight, sorry )