Every 6 months I seem to royally screw up my life

ps9312

Every few months, for some reason I seem to royally screw up my life, I'm 21 at the moment and this has been ongoing since I was about 12. I don't seem to learn, they normally seem to involve money or sex. I keep doing it over and over, and as I've got older it seems to be getting worse. I do feel bad about it in the weeks or months afterwards, but eventually it sort of seems to leave my mind and I do it again.

Starting from when I was about 12, I used to steal my dads change off the window, only a couple of pounds but I did this countless times, then It would turn into stealing £10-20 from my dad, mum or sister. I was caught most of the time, we had massive discussions/arguments about it, eventually I'd confess and apologise, but a few weeks down the line I'd do it again.

At about 15, I started to steal from my Granddad, he used to keep large amounts of money in his cabinet, over a period of a few weeks I stole probably over £100. He forgave me, we had a lot of talks and he forgave me eventually.

When I was around 17 I used my Grandad's card to buy an Amazon voucher for a large amount, which I used to buy a laptop, I only eventually confessed when my mum got suspicious and my Granddad was going to contact the fraud line. He told me not to see him any more, however a few months down the line there was a family fallout, after it was resolved he asked me to come round, and forgave me again.

Moving on from that, when I was around 18, I got in the habit of sleeping with my friends ex girlfriends, I've done this 3 times, one found out the day after, and a few others found out a few months down the line, all of which resulted in massive discussions and eventually them forgiving me, apart from one of them.

Around 6 months ago, while I was working in a betting shop, I got a friend to put an ambiguous bet on (meaning a bet that could be read in different ways so it could be seen as a winner regardless), it paid out around a £150. A few weeks later I got a letter through the door documenting the whole thing and asking me to attend a meeting, I quit the job and lived in fear for weeks, but I got away with it. It might be worth noting that I've had around 6 jobs since I was 16, I tend to get bored or demotivated and quit.

And now we come to Yesterday (Valentines Day), I've always had trouble with relationships, I'm fine with a girl normally, but after a few days of making it official, I tend to lose all feeling and break up with them. This had happened again, with a girl I got with about 2 weeks ago. A few nights ago whilst drunk in a club, I kind of broke up with her, and ended up going back to my friends house and I almost slept with her. Yesterday I almost broke up with her, we eventually decided we're going to act how we did before we made it official because it made me uncomfortable, but we weren't supposed to do anything else with anyone. We talked for a while which resulted in her coming round, we got drunk and had sex, and one of the second girls friends was trying to convince me to come to a bar with them all. I made an excuse and got her to leave. The second girl was a complete drunken mess and her friends were saying this was because of me. I eventually got to talk to her, I explained the situation with my "girlfriend", and then she spent about an hour trying to get me to have sex with her. I got her to stop half way through because I felt awful about it, which upset her. We talked for a while, but her friends in the house had heard us, so I decided to leave because of how guilty I felt. After trying to explain why I left she told me "not to speak to me for a while", which I've just had to accept.

Normally when I'm caught or exposed I just hold my hands up and say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" rather than arguing about it. But the thing is these things are getting worse and worse, people who know me well say I'm not a bad person, in fact some of them who are aware of the majority of these things consider me a good friend. I really don't want to be this way, and I want to figure out what the problem is before I become a full adult with a Job and a family, because its more than likely I will end up screwing that up to. I've decided to see the University councillor and I'm trying to organise going to a Psychologist/help group near my house. Is it just something as simple as being greedy or lacking self control? I'm kind of worried it could be something a bit more serious like a mental health disorder (NPD, Sociopath etc.) I need to get this under control. The people in my life have been so understanding and forgiving, I have amazing friends and family but if I carry on down this path I'm going to end up losing them.

Sound Bite

What's your self esteem like?
Do you love yourself etc?
Are you uncomfortable with feelings?

Your post reads like you are a very insecure individual, continually self sabotaging yourself.
It's almost like you are choosing to give people reason to dislike you as a method of self preservation, defense mechanism etc.

You need to talk to a professional who can help you understand the need for your destructive behaviour.

ps9312

Hi Sound bite,

My self esteem is all over the place, one week I can feel like king of the world, the next I can be full of anxiety.

In terms of loving myself, I'd say yes? I always kind of did, but I was very insecure at times, I lost a lot of weight through summer and became incredibly cocky in regards to girls.

And I'm a very open person, I don't mind talking about how I feel to almost anyone.

I definitely think seeing a professional is the best course of action

Rubberchikken

You're right, talking to someone is the best idea. Good luck