hate him

LegacyUser

Bit of background. With my fiance ten years. Have two kids under 2. Renting for years but i moved in with my parents a year ago and he went back home to save for a mortgage. Since baby two came 7 mths ago he has been staying with us less and less. Going from 4 to 5 nights to every 2nd or 3rd night.
I have been going through a tough time. My mother passed away before xmas. I dont sleep much when im alone and I also have pnd.
We got our mortgage before xmas and are tipping at it doing it up.
I am now so sick of my fiance. He comes and goes as he pleases. The smally is always looking for him and I have to say hes in work even though hes prob gone soccer or poker or is just tired so gone back to his mother's. I havent left the kids for a long time as the little one is very attached and just screams when im gone. I also get f all sleep between the kids waking, being sick and my grief. Im just so fed up. I am always on my own with the kids. If he is here hr is on his phone, I have to tell him to play with the kids etc. He makes out he is the nicest guy and best father but in reality hes not. Hes very self centred, hes tired, hes sick, hes bored. I asked him not to go out last night as I was lonely and sick and needed a lie in (havent had one in over two weeks) and he went, hes odd now and so hasnt called up today. Smally asking all day for him and I rang him and he said he be up later... no sign of him.
So now im tied in a mortgage with him and I honestly cant see us livibg together. Hes draining me and I feel he is going to try control me with the kids as I cant go out if hes not here as im still in my fathers. He is 40 and im 33 its not like we are kids. What can I do about mortgage? How can I get rid of him? I actually feel we would be better off if he died. I cant love him anymore as I dont love myself and im struggling to keep myself together and the kids without dealing with this bs.

Roselm

lostnlonely wrote: »

Mod Note:<Snip> Please don't quote full posts. It's unnecessary and clogs up the thread with duplicate text.

That sounds really hard.You poor thing.
Can you arrange to see your solicitor.They can advise you on where you stand as regards the house if you split up with your fiance.

Bullocks

Have you told him you want him gone ? That might be enough to get him to go or he might up his game and improve his behaviour.
I think whether he stays or goes you should insist on him minding the kids to give you the break you need

ivytwine

OP you're already a single mother.

Would it be so much worse if you made it official and got rid of him? You could start thinking of maybe going back to work or education or having a chat with the bank as to how things will work out with the mortgage. At least you won't have to have this constant worry and sickness hanging over you regarding your other child (the fiance).


I have to admit I assumed you were both quite young so when you said he was 40 I was shocked. If he's still not willing to settle down at this stage- the going back to his parents thing is mental at his age- and come through for you when you really need it, I hate to say he probably never will.

Your mother died (and I'm really sorry to hear that, it must be horrible), you have a small baby and a toddler, you're trying to sort out a new house, you have PND- and he would rather go drinking or playing poker or sitting in with his parents and watching the Late Late.

You deserve better than this and your babas do too xx

DUB0207-old

1st of all I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Never an easy situation to deal with, worse when it comes at such an emotional time like xmas and you being so young...

Was the relationship good before baby number 2? Did you discuss having another child?
There must be a reason why he is behaving like a carefree 20 something, maybe its a mid life crisis...

Do you have siblings? Can't your children grandparents keep them for 1 night so you can think things through?

You are very young and full of life, get help asap! There are phone lines you can contact and a great online support counselling offered by turn2me

Best of luck!

Stavro Mueller

Oh you poor thing. You've got an awful lot on your plate at the moment. Is there anyone belonging to you (family/friends) you could turn to for help in the short term?

Regarding the situation with your (ex) fiance and the mortgage, it'd be well worth your while going to a solicitor and getting legal advice. At least then you'll have cold hard facts at your disposal and a plan to put in place. Sometimes when you're dealing with the unknown, you can build it up into something worse than it is. People with mortgages break up all the time and there will be a way out of this for you. Also it'd be helpful have formal custody arrangements in place regarding the children; that way it'll stop him trying to control you via them.

Hannibal Smith

Are you still living separately? Or have you bought a house and moved in together now? Are you sure you're not mad at the situation rather than your other half. If you're living with the two kids it may seem as if he's got off easy and you resent him for that.

Of course he should be visiting you guys and making the effort, instead of going playing footy/poker but its hard to get a balanced life with two small kids while under the same roof, never mind under two different ones.

Of course, if you're living together and he's not pulling his weight that's different. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Tina82

I feel for you lostnlonely....I have 2 small kids myself and trust me I no it's not easy...I don't have much support from family...myself and my partner are together...sometimes I wonder if he is just here in body....as I feel so lonely also. Mayb you shud try counselling ..... It might not b for u but cud b worth a try ?? I no citizens information provide free legal advice once a month so maybe try their in relation to the mortgage. Hope things get better for u.....weather u believe it or not I'm sure your doin a great job with the kids x

ted1

Sounds like you have already separated

ABajaninCork

From reading the OP, it seems the OP has been approved for a mortgage, but hasn't yet found a property and drawn it down - is that right?

If the mortgage has been drawn and it's in joint names, then I'm afraid the OP and her partner will be jointly and severally liable for the payments. Which means the bank can come against either or both for the mortgage if it isn't paid. That's another stress and hassle she doesn't need. If that's the case, then she needs to seek legal advice - quickly!

If the mortgage hasn't been drawn down? Then I'd get someone to take the kids for the night, make the man-child sit down and talk this out. Under no circumstances should you go ahead and buy if you're having doubts now - especially as you're not married. Take it from someone who knows...

If you decide to split up from the children's father, then again get legal advice about maintenance and access for them.

But I have to ask - Did your partner always behave like this, or is this sudden? If it's sudden, then you need to find out why. I'm thinking he's always behaved like a kid, but your recent life events have brought this to a head.

OP -What's your relationship like with his parents? Do they see the children? Wondering if it might be worth having a word - either to get them to babysit whilst you catch a breather and sort things out or to have a word with their man child and ask him WTF he thinks he's playing at?

Rubberchikken

I agree^^. If you haven't sorted out the mortgage/house yet them stall.

You need to talk with this man.
At 40 he's a bit old too be fathering children/agreeing to get a mortgage with a partner and now slowly backing away from his kids and partner and not having the decency to talk with you.