Stone walling

happydayz8

Hi all. My boyfriend deals with conflict by stone walling me. This is really hard for me (deservingly or not) as I am very much a talk it out person. As it's currently quite bad I was hoping you wise boardsies would have some advice on how I can cope with this without loosing it with him until he comes around. Thanks!

Doom

Try to give him a bit of space first...like..
'I'm going out for the day to give you some space....can we talk tonight?

Littlekittylou

Well yes space is good.

There are many ways of communicating beyond speech though.

Or choose another moment when the time is good and talk about this to him.

Or if all else fails ...flash him...:)

happydayz8

Thanks guys. I would love to give him space for the day but it would be kind of hard as we'very 3 kids the youngest being twins who are not even two yet. But I will try leave the house as much as I can with them tomorrow. This has been going on a week now and I am at serious breaking point.

emer_b

OP that must be so hard. I'm the same, I like to talk it through but my OH is not a talker. However I find since we had kids they have become major icebreakers, hard to stay grumpy with them around. It does sound like your partner is quite determined though.

I found I had to completely change the way I dealt with arguments. Firstly I take time to cool off myself and think about it rationally, there's always 2 sides. I think about what I have done wrong, even if that's only the way I reacted to his behaviour, and I apologise for that. Then my conscience is relieved and I explain how his behaviour has made me feel. Try to put it in perspective and maybe look at the background issues to the argument rather than just the actions/words which ignited it. There's a mature adult way to have an argument and at least if one of you takes that path it may be easier to start a discussion. Sometimes I will even try to ignore the actual words/actions which caused the fight and start with "we were both tired/under pressure/emotional..." , I take responsibility for my contribution to the situation and then try to get them to see how their actions hurt you.

It took a while for this approach to work for me but I have found that arguments have become shorter and shorter and we're both much better now at sorting them out quickly. It's really hard to make the first move and speak honestly but it's got to be better than a wall of silence. I would crack up after a day, I really feel for you dealing with a week of it. It's definitely not good for the kids, they will sense the tension.
Good luck

Littlekittylou

I think when you are not in an argument and he is in a good mood, talk about it and tell him it's not mature in a relationship nor healthy.

happydayz8

Thanks emer_b some very good advice there. I have apologised first numerous times but it then often just goes back to normal and his actions are not looked at. if I bring them up he just shutts down again. So I guess I am a bit fed up of being the one apologising and always made to be felt in the wrong. Wow, reading over this it all sounds so immature from both of us!

ILikeBananas

The silent treatment is one of the classic signs of passive aggressive behaviour. See if he ticks any more items on the list.

happydayz8

Well he's talking again but wonder for how long. One wrong word from me and we'll be back to square one.
IlikeBananas that's interesting. He ticks about 5 or 6 of those but I tick two of them myself 😦