different personalities in a marriage

miss choc

I will try and keep this as short as I can basically together with OH 10 years married 5 yrs. We love each other but two different people ie I am sociable, very chatty and artistic my husband is more quiet, outgoing with his own friends but I am definately more outgoing if we are out in a group of strangers and he is techie/into books etc. We would have about 3 common interests but I didnt mind this as it is good to have separate hobbies but in the last few months he is feeling trapped in the house a lot of stuff I did i the past getting my own way, not respecting him putting him down or not listening/butting in to conversations have surfaced. He would let it all go but now it has come to a head. He says he needs his own space to sort out his head and that we should go to a counsellor. I am all for this as I think he has some form of depression too, he says he is fine when he is out with friends but gets miserable when he gets home and purposely works late cos he enjoys the people at work. TBH a lot of tragedies came though the course of our relationship and sometimes we wonder it they haven't have happened would we still be together as I was his rock as was he during tough times. I love him to pieces and it was so hard last night out for a meal not getting a cuddle off him because he is in a sad place. He definately has not gone off me as he emphasised this a lot and finds me attractive he just isn't in a right place to show physical affection. All this stuff is worrying him therefore he is only getting 4/5 hours sleep he's exhausted, sad, hard to do his work and no motivation. I will be happy when he moves out not cos I hate him but cos I love him and want him to sort himself out. He doesn't want my help yet but I will be there for him.

The Princess Bride

Hello.
Having read that, I agree that the best course of action would be counselling. But it would probably be best for him to go by himself initially, just to discuss how he is.
Also, a visit to the GP might be worth considering.Insomnia, exhaustion, sadness....probably more important than the counsellor, as a stepping stone to getting better.

It won't be easy on you, it looks like you're already trying to justify you being together. ( You mention the tragedies).I'm sure your mind is in overdrive & you're possibly overthinking everything - this is a normal reaction to what you're going through.
As you've indicated, you need to play a supportive role for now, wait silently in the corner, hope that things will improve for him.

Please look after yourself as he goes through this difficult time.You might benefit from speaking with a counsellor also, prior to you both going together.
One last thing, which is for you both. Not every counsellor is the right person for that client & their issues- but there will be someone out there who can help.

Best of luck, stay patient & keep hopeful.

Littlekittylou

Hi OP.

Listen, I realize you have come here for help. But reading your post made me quite sad for him. Do you not think that you are a good portion of the problem yourself?

but in the last few months he is feeling trapped in the house a lot of stuff I did i the past getting my own way, not respecting him putting him down or not listening/butting in to conversations have surfaced. He would let it all go but now it has come to a head.

I think you should stop pretending that you were just putting him down as if to say by the way. You were putting him down to get your way as you said. And it may be that you are the one who might benefit from counseling. How could you do that to someone you care about? No wonder he finds it tough to be around you. I think you are slightly in denial saying that these relationship problems are his problems with depression etc. That is not the case. I would say yes his might have a propensity for anxiety etc. But you have certainly helped drive him there. You have contributed to this situation and you need to acknowledge this and heal yourself quite frankly. You were manipulating him and instead of directly stating needs you were hurting him to get what you either needed or wanted. You don't know how to fulfill yourself in a healthy way in a relationship and that is worrying.

As for him he absolutely needs some counseling. But in learning to assert himself it might mean turning towards a more positive life for himself.

As regards different interests. Well I mean it's different for everyone. I think relationships are not built on interests they are build on love and a wish for the other person to be healthy and happy trust and respect. I mean if you have a relationship with a technically minded person they can broaden your horizons. You sit down with them and ask them questions and take an interest and read up on it. You do it because they inspire you and you are interested. And they have the patience to answer those questions for you whereas they might not for others but in a relationships it's special. You have extra time and patience for each other. Or you can just do your separate stuff and know your relationship space is good.

But OP you seem to be in denial. It's as if you are saying he is a good portion of the problem. But part of why he got this way is the way you treated him.

Also you say that you were his rock. I wonder if you feel that you are owed something for that. I am wondering why you felt you had to extract 'your own way'?

You say you love him and i think you do. But if he does not want your help I think that 'helping' might be overbearing and disrespecting his wishes. Respect his choices.

Yes now is the time for loyalty and gumption. But not for butting in. In reality that is just trying to get your own way again.

Tell him you want him to be happy. And that you are sorry for the way you have treated him. Look at yourself and decide how you can be healthier and correct destructive behaviors. Look to his wishes not your own for how to 'help'. He may genuinely not want your help. But perhaps knowing that you would want to and want the best for him is good.

Encourage him to see a professional and not to rest on his laurels about that. Also he needs to sleep more and look after himself. His health needs to be his no 1 priority right now.

For you also your health needs to be your priority. And I would think you would benefit from help too. The way you treated him was not good for either of you. But especially not him. You need to alter that and look at why it happened. Also why he went along with it.

I hope all is well for you both whatever happens.

I am very sorry for the tragedies I would wager some work needs to be done there to heal for you both.

I would never say whether or not a relationship should be or not be. But the most important thing is that you both are healthy and happy and that means both of you equally and genuinely.

miss choc

Thank you both posters I am aware that I have caused a lot of his pain at the start I did get my own way I am an only child and adored my father so maybe I was expecting my OH to be like dad odd job man, fix my car, cook when he is a totally different type of man and I should respect that, that everyone is different. I never ever wanted anything back in return when I supported him in the past we had lots of bearevments and I am a very caring and emotional person if they are sad and upset I will go out of my way to help and support them. It has taken a long time but now I realise has much this all has affected him me, past upsets, low self confidence, health issues, job etc I will always love him and now even though as times he is irritable, stressed and tired I am letting it go as I know I have caused this and made him depressed. Our w/end was ok I was sad last night at dinner we went to a bar after and he wasnt in the right frame of mind for hugs and kisses so fair enough no point if his heart isnt in the right place. I got a card today just basic to.... happy valentines day from ... I put the same and wrote a poem about us which made him cry but I just wanted him to know I love him

MissFlitworth

I think it's very rare that one person is responsible for 'causing' depression in another or is the sole cause of a breakdown in a relationship, especially if they're the kind of person who is leaping to take responsibility for their husband being depressed and wanting to leave them. Just look out for yourself a bit here. Just because you're more confident & sociable doesn't mean you've trodden all over someone. Wouldn't be the worst idea to go and get counselling too, just to sort this stuff out in your head.

miss choc

Yeah I think what we are gonna do anyway is hubby to get a little place for a few month near work and sort himself out. I look after my elderly Mam here also so the house is very small. He said he will get individual counselling first and then we can get it together. I am going on a little holiday with friends today so Mam is in respite, dog in kennels so he will have a bit of breathing space for 4 days