Lack of interest

shadowcat

Hi Folks,

Bit of a sensitive topic here, but just wondered if anyone else has experienced or been surprised by a lack of interest from the family when it came to their wedding, and if so, how did you handle it? I'm just feeling very let down by a couple of members of my family about our day, but not sure how to go about sorting it out without there being huge arguments that last well past the day.

Would like to add that I'm the second in the family to get married, and the first of the girls, and my brother had a very different experience than the one I'm having. It's not that I'm expecting anyone to drop everything for us just because we've made the decision to get married, but I would have thought that it meant a little more than being merely an obligation to attend by the immediate family.

Thanks

Tasden

What way do you want them to show interest? And in what way are they acting like it's just an obligation?

Whosthis

How far off is the wedding?

Addle

shadowcat wrote: »

It's not that I'm expecting anyone to drop everything for us just because we've made the decision to get married

What do you expect from your family?

looksee

It would be nice if everyone was enthusiastic about our own life events, but that is not always the case. Maybe because they have issues of their own to sort, who knows? Maybe you have been living together and the family members just see it as another optional stepping stone for you. Suddenly you are inflicting fuss and expense into a situation that was already existing? I have no idea.

This is you making your own way in life though. You and your fiancee have decided to start/make 'official' a family unit, and it is how you feel about it that matters. If other people are less than interested, or appear to be, so what? This is your event, it is how you feel about it that matters.

Make your arrangements but don't expect everyone else to have the same enthusiasm for hotels and bands and flowers that you have. If there is one person in the family who wants to be involved, that's great, but you cannot force people to be enthusiastic, and it would be very foolish to make an issue of it.

whiskeyman

Addle wrote: »

What do you expect from your family?

This.
How do you feel they've 'let you down'?
A wedding can consume a couple for a huge amountof time, but most other people... direct family included... will only need and want to get involved lightly and very nearer the time.
What can seem so important to the couple can appear trivial to someone else.
that's why forums like this can be very helpful !

whatdoicare

In fairness if your brother and sister had a completely different experience then its no great leap to expect the same.

Is there a reason they are being cool about it? Do they like your fiancee, are they stressed about finances?

You'll really have to sit them down and ask if there's anything you have done to offend and if there's anything you can do to change the attitude.
If they cant or wont answer then either carry on as you are or have a wedding with people who actually want to be there.

Liam McPoyle

shadowcat wrote: »

Hi Folks,

Bit of a sensitive topic here, but just wondered if anyone else has experienced or been surprised by a lack of interest from the family when it came to their wedding, and if so, how did you handle it? I'm just feeling very let down by a couple of members of my family about our day, but not sure how to go about sorting it out without there being huge arguments that last well past the day.

Would like to add that I'm the second in the family to get married, and the first of the girls, and my brother had a very different experience than the one I'm having. It's not that I'm expecting anyone to drop everything for us just because we've made the decision to get married, but I would have thought that it meant a little more than being merely an obligation to attend by the immediate family.

Thanks

My o/h is experiencing this exact thing with some of her family, her parents in particular and it really boils my piss.

He Mam NEVER asks about anything to do with the wedding, literally nothing. She only went to see the wedding dress because my Mam and sister came up to Dublin to go with burd to see it. She has proffered nothing in terms of support or help doing anything, when it came to her getting an outfit she first of all said she would wear some yoke she has had for years, when she finally went to buy something she ended up picking up a frankly awful dress because it was on the bargain rail. If she was short of a few quid one could understand but she has a huge amount of money in the bank, ie a 6 figure sum of money.

Her Dad is an incredibly selfish man, he has said he wont be walking down the aisle and volunteered her brother to do it, said her brother could make the speech at the reception too.

It doesn't bother me because he is a difficult man and a mood hoover at the best of times so Im happy to have him involved as little as possible but it breaks burd's heart, its her Dad and he basically does'nt give a bollox about the whole thing and all he is concerned about is potential embarrassment for himself.

I like her Mam, she has a good heart but to her the wedding is just another day and all she has done is make comments about the cost.

The more I got to know her parents the less I was surprised by them and tbh Im at the stage that I dont even expect the minimum from them. Its hard for herself as she is the first in her family to have a Catholic wedding (her mam is a massive holy roller, one of these people that accepts what the church says over anything) yet she (her mam) couldn't be more disinterested. She cares more about going to mass than anything to do with the wedding.

I dont have any advice for you OP except to say that you arent the only one in that boat. What Ive said to burd is basically fcuk em, its our day and we are whats important in it all, the same goes for yourself and your fiance.

shadowcat

Thanks, and know I shouldn't be expecting anything but I'm still surprised by some things. For instance, I've lived in England for over 10 years, and our families have not yet met. His family tried to arrange a while ago to go over after we got engaged but with one thing and another, it couldn't happen at that time. So when I suggested that it would be nice to have a meal together the day before the wedding - we're getting married later this year in Ireland - my family more or less said it would be too much effort to do it despite them living there and the OH's family coming from England, and they'll see them the day of the wedding anyways.

I'd like to say it was just me, but it's now gotten to the point that my OH is having questions put to him by his family that are making us both feel awkward.

shadowcat

Business Cat wrote: »

My o/h is experiencing this exact thing with some of her family, her parents in particular and it really boils my piss.

He Mam NEVER asks about anything to do with the wedding, literally nothing. She only went to see the wedding dress because my Mam and sister came up to Dublin to go with burd to see it. She has proffered nothing in terms of support or help doing anything, when it came to her getting an outfit she first of all said she would wear some yoke she has had for years, when she finally went to buy something she ended up picking up a frankly awful dress because it was on the bargain rail. If she was short of a few quid one could understand but she has a huge amount of money in the bank, ie a 6 figure sum of money.

Her Dad is an incredibly selfish man, he has said he wont be walking down the aisle and volunteered her brother to do it, said her brother could make the speech at the reception too.

It doesn't bother me because he is a difficult man and a mood hoover at the best of times so Im happy to have him involved as little as possible but it breaks burd's heart, its her Dad and he basically does'nt give a bollox about the whole thing and all he is concerned about is potential embarrassment for himself.

I like her Mam, she has a good heart but to her the wedding is just another day and all she has done is make comments about the cost.

The more I got to know her parents the less I was surprised by them and tbh Im at the stage that I dont even expect the minimum from them. Its hard for herself as she is the first in her family to have a Catholic wedding (her mam is a massive holy roller, one of these people that accepts what the church says over anything) yet she (her mam) couldn't be more disinterested. She cares more about going to mass than anything to do with the wedding.

I dont have any advice for you OP except to say that you arent the only one in that boat. What Ive said to burd is basically fcuk em, its our day and we are whats important in it all, the same goes for yourself and your fiance.

Thanks and I'm sorry for your lady as that can't be easy

I do know others have it MUCH worse (this forum has been an eyeopener!) but it can't help but get to me when some things are very obvious. Any time I mention anything to do with the wedding, my mother talks over me and starts going on about a neighbours wedding she was at a few years back and what they ate, what her room was like, what the priest said... I wasn't there and can't comment, but you'd like to think your own daughters wedding would matter a bit more to you than a neighbor. I bought my dress recently and called to let her know (my MIL came with me) and her response was "well you wouldn't want to put on any weight now, would you haha" I'm a size 12...

Long story short, I needed a vent that isn't the OH as he's tipping over the edge with it all as it is!!

shadowcat

whatdoicare wrote: »

In fairness if your brother and sister had a completely different experience then its no great leap to expect the same.

Is there a reason they are being cool about it? Do they like your fiancee, are they stressed about finances?

No, they get on great with him and we're paying for the whole thing ourselves so the issue isn't to do with any of those reasons that I can tell. We're both laid back people and have made no demands or requests other than they show up on the day, so it's hard not to be a bit disappointed by it all.

king_of_inismac

Weddings are like a HUGE magnifying glass for emotions. Something tiny to others becomes massively important to you. When people get married, they tend to lose perspective (happens to everyone). Your feelings are normal, the scale isn't.

It would be great if everyone was excited and interested as you, but that's usually not the case. People aren't perfect so give them a little slack.

whatdoicare

shadowcat wrote: »

No, they get on great with him and we're paying for the whole thing ourselves so the issue isn't to do with any of those reasons that I can tell. We're both laid back people and have made no demands or requests other than they show up on the day, so it's hard not to be a bit disappointed by it all.

Well if your mam is like what you describe above, what Id do is just not tell her anything anymore but make a big fuss about any interest your MIL shows.

My mam did what you describe and then had the absolute cheek to try take credit for all my hard work on the day in front of family and neighbours. I made a show of her by not telling her where I got anything so when people asked she couldn't answer and if she gave a bs answer Id correct her in front of them giving credit to people who had actually helped in the same breath.

She makes damn sure to take interest in my life events now.

Just saw about your in laws now, jeesus that's awkward. I don't know what to say about that, that's horrible. All you can tell your in laws is the truth, I can't think if any other way to play that one.

Tarzana2

To be honest, I only really gave my sister's wedding any thought with about a month to go. I did my bridesmaidly stuff before that, organised the hen etc. but rarely thought about the wedding itself.

Mrs OBumble

When this reaction is from parents, I'd see it as a huge red flag most likely guess is that they severely disapprove of who you're marrying - in which case you owe it to yourself to find out the real reason and to do some soul-searching about whether this really is the right person to marry. (Sometimes the parents are right, no matter how in lurvvvv you think you are.)

Or they may just be plain sexist: boys weddings are worth it because they're bringing someone in to the family, girls aren't because you're leaving the family (not my personal opinion, BTW, but it is how some people see things even now.

NewCorkLad

shadowcat wrote: »

Thanks, and know I shouldn't be expecting anything but I'm still surprised by some things. For instance, I've lived in England for over 10 years, and our families have not yet met. His family tried to arrange a while ago to go over after we got engaged but with one thing and another, it couldn't happen at that time. So when I suggested that it would be nice to have a meal together the day before the wedding - we're getting married later this year in Ireland - my family more or less said it would be too much effort to do it despite them living there and the OH's family coming from England, and they'll see them the day of the wedding anyways.

I'd like to say it was just me, but it's now gotten to the point that my OH is having questions put to him by his family that are making us both feel awkward.

I thought this was going to be another Bridezilla thread but after reading the above there are definit alarm bells ringing. You need to sit down with your parents alone ASAP and have a talk to see what is the problem, the longer this goes on the worse it could get for you and your OH

Milly33

Oh I hope they come together now for ye.. I know I kinda felt a bit humph at the start after sending out the save the dates. I thought ohhh they will be back now with Ah We love it and all that goes, but nope heard nothing... I was like well that's fine, but it was just everyone was busy with their own bits and pieces.. Everyone is coming together now alright.. Maybe you should say it to you mum that she is being a bit harsh or just get a good girl friend to chin wag with and if all else fails come vent on here..

deeks

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

When this reaction is from parents, I'd see it as a huge red flag most likely guess is that they severely disapprove of who you're marrying - in which case you owe it to yourself to find out the real reason and to do some soul-searching about whether this really is the right person to marry. (Sometimes the parents are right, no matter how in lurvvvv you think you are.)

Or they may just be plain sexist: boys weddings are worth it because they're bringing someone in to the family, girls aren't because you're leaving the family (not my personal opinion, BTW, but it is how some people see things even now.

How incredibly patronising. Why would you assume that the parents are right even if it is the case that they don't approve?