Girlfriend Issue

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

My girlfriend is awesome, really genuinely awesome. She is smart, aware, good to people and pretty damn beautiful.

She has had a pretty rough upbringing. Her mother was a bit wayward in her care, not neglecting but not supporting and encouraging as a mother should. Her step dad always made her feel like she was her mothers kid, and her Dad, she never really saw.

I've been with her about a half year now, and we've been fighting and bickering a bit for the last little while. I think it all comes down to one of two things, and they are linked.

I try to encourage her, make her see how capable she is, ask her to set goals and aims for herself an support her in completing them. She is quite happy to coast along, sleep in, do nothing and "whatever happens, happens". That would be fine except... she has always wanted to get out of here and travel and see the world. She says everytime she gets enough saved she has to spend it on something, or something comes up and she is back to square one.

I think my delivery is causing issues, I'm pretty forthright, and assertive (sometimes borderline asshole out of frustration), so I've tried to change that but even with a softly softly approach she still gets upset, she thinks I'm "****-ting on her life", and that "Ive no idea what it has taken her to get comfy where she is and stay afloat".

I think it all stems from low self esteem, she doesn't believe she is capable of getting out, of saving, of being progressive. She has said at times that all the trying for years has made her not want to try anymore. I'm lost as to how to approach it or how to help. She 100% won't speak to someone professional, or even a friend as she is as stubborn as a goat, and see's no issue. The issue she see's is me acting like a Dad and pushing her, and making her feel bad about her life. Which is obviously the complete opposite of what I want to do.

She has issues with speaking to people in a confrontational situation, such as asking for a raise or telling her boss she didnt appreciate the way she was treated etc etc, often saying something and then apologising for bringing it up and blaming herself. I feel like she thinks she is worthless, and not worth people feeling bad about treating her poorly.

All this bickering and fighting is weighing on me, and her, and its making us both question the relationship but I see a future with her, and she me, and I need to figure out a way to get this issue sorted. I've told her I'd drop it, and that if and when she wants to talk, to work something out, to make a plan, that I'm right beside her and will support her fully but I know she will just keep coasting and not make a positive change. Inertia is a powerful thing.

I guess you could argue who am I to make her feel uncomfortable, and ask her to leave her comfort zone but I only ever want to see her happy and do the things she wants to do and be where she wants to be but even broaching the subject gets her upset and makes her feel like I'm attacking her.

Any and all advice, not matter how critical is appreciated. please don't be subtle, I am a male and it will be lost on me.

LegacyUser

Well to be critical with no subtlety, it all sounds like a load of bull**** to me. Get off her back and let her live her life.
You are with her 6 months and you are trying to change her. Dont bother, just be her boyfriend and get off her case.
Are you American?

orthsquel

I don't think you really can help. If she wants to change her life, it will be her that has to change it for herself and want it to change for herself.
I'd hazard a guess that your encouraging to her is a pressure to her and is probably making her back into a corner in facing up to certain truths and realities and as a result, she hides away. She probably is afraid to try, because in her mind she probably will fail.
She needs to motivate herself to save, or make changes in her life. She probably hears and knows what you're saying but isn't ready yet to actually do anything about it. It might take the years passing her by or hearing about other people's great adventures travelling the world and feeling like she is missing out to finally motivate her.
I'd drop the subject altogether. The more you push her about issues, the more she will dig the heels in and refuse to do anything about it..... If she does finally do something about anything than it will be on her terms and her way and despite you offering to be there along with her should she need you, she might not want to take you up on it. She probably understands where you're coming from but just might need you to back off about it all completely and leave her be... and then by her own initiative, might work on it.

I'd leave it alone as you have stated in your post at the end. I know what it is like to see potential in someone and to want to encourage them along, but they also have to see that potential themselves and plod along with it themselves. Personally I think it's nice to have someone to want to be a cheerleader standing on the sidelines giving encouragement or even proud regardless as to what or if anything is achieved but to others that might be the last thing that they want to see or notice because it might just add pressure, that adds a stress to an issue that they are internally quite stressed about, and rather than tackling it, just deny its existence.

chickenlicken2

Approximately what age is she if you can answer that? Is she working or studying at the moment?

Your post is saying a few things to me:
1. You do clearly care a lot for her
2. You want the best for her but what is best for her might not be what you think is best
3. You seem to be genuinely trying to help her help herself but she seems to feel this is you on her case.

How receptive is she when you bring this up?

MouseTail

I read the post differently, I see two people who are fundamentally different, one easy going and passive, and one driven and goal oriented. Such relationships can work, but only if each is respectful of the others characteristics.
I am concerned OP that you say you can be 'borderline asshole', she is who she is, you cannot make her more ambitious or driven simply by nagging or being an asshole to her. She has told you very clearly to back off, and stop ****ing on her life. You should listen to her.

DukeOfTheSharp

Relationships, good ones, are all about getting out of your comfort zone. That's what happens when any two people starting dating. It seems like she's fairly set in her ways, and I'd hate to say it, but...she doesn't seem to care about you enough to get out of her comfort zone. You're encouraging, you believe in her, perhaps your point-of-view is seen as 'pushing' to her, but in reality you're encouraging her to do the things she says she wants to do. Yet her response is hostile and no matter how you word it, she'll always find a way of tampering with your perspective to make you the unreasonable one, while she moans about wanting to do more, and about how hard life is. I've been where you are, even a suggestion will set this kind of person off, even if it's just a throwaway sentence. The best thing you can do - for the both of you - is leave, however hard it may seem. You'll be frustrated with her constantly alluding to wanting to do more, only to get discouraged or sabotage her chances, while she blames you and becomes more resentful that you believe in her. If you suggested she talk to someone, she'd get angry. It's a no-win situation and an unhealthy one at that.

beks101

I once had a friend like you OP and we parted ways because of the continued, relentless judgements that she cast on my life. Always "because she cared so much" but in reality, they were judgements based on her own individual needs and with no regard or respect for who I am and what makes me tick.

From your perspective, your girlfriend is lazy and set in her ways. That's the judgement you're making right there and I know you will deny it, but that's how your post reads. It may be with good reason, low self esteem, neglectful parenting, tough background etc, but the judgement is still there.

From her perspective, this is an attack on who she is to her core. Have you any idea how hurtful it is to imply these things about a person's character? To literally perform a character assassination about the very things someone is already a bit insecure about - her ability to save and plan ahead and follow through on plans and be assertive - and to do that in a forward, pushy, "asshole"-y way? And all this coming from someone who supposedly loves you and accepts you just the way you are?

You are trying to change her. Stop trying to change her, it's not your right or your responsibility. Maybe she's happy coasting; maybe coasting is her personality. Even if she's not, it's not on you to push her to change - even if you managed to, she'd be changing for the wrong reasons - to please you, to keep you, to make you happy, not to assert herself.

You are not her father. You are her boyfriend. And as such, you either accept her as she is, right now, with all her awesomeness and her 'unfavourable' traits, and accept that your future lies with this person and not a 'better version' that you're trying so desperately to create.

Or you let her go for her own good.

LegacyUser

OP, my ex boyfriend is like you. I am pretty easy going. I have a degree, masters and a normal job. He also has a degree and masters and a high paying, high pressure job.

He was constantly at me to get a better job, to try harder, demand more, etc. It made me feel so, so bad about myself. I broke down one night and couldn't stop crying. I think that might have been the turning point.

From my perspective, I have a job that I love. I am building experience. I have friends, a good relationship with my family and I have a good life. In short, I am normal.

He is obsessed with money, his relationship with his family is rubbish and friends are not a priority. He has a job that he hates with a passion.

What is funny is that we work for the same company (huge multinational in different offices) and he has a reputation for being money obsessed and not liked.

Your girlfriend's self esteem won't be helped by you being a bully. I presume that you started going out with her for a reason? If you feel that you need to control someone like that, take a good look at yourself.

NB. My ex would have described me in exactly the same light so I am well aware that she could have a different perspective.

LegacyUser

You're flogging a dead horse there mate. Trust me after 11 years in a relationship of trying to "fix", "improve" and "encouraging" a partner to reach their high potential I now finally know that people don't change unless they want to.

Maybe in another 2, 3, 4 or even 5 years she might change some aspect, but more than likely she won't and if she does it will only be because SHE has decided that she WANTS to change something at that time, not because of what you said or want.

Sometimes very different people work together, sometimes they are just too incompatible and it doesn't work.
You are ambitious and driven, she is not.
She is probably a lovely person and could be quite happy the way she is, and even if she's not it's not up to you to fix or save her. She would need to want to that herself.

Don't waste as many years as I've done. Sometimes love just isn't enough if the incompatibilities are too large.

cactusgal

Op, one thing I've learned about relationships is that you can't date someone's potential. You are in a relationship with that person right now, for who they are, right now. If it happens that the person becomes "better" in time (whatever that is in your eyes, be it more ambitious, more hard-working, nicer, thinner, fitter, etc.), then great. Bonus points! But you should honestly be delighted with who they are now, and presume they will always more or less be the same for life. And be happy with that. (Or, if you can't be happy with that, break up and find someone else)

I learned this the hard way. My ex fiance was a very nice guy and had lots of good points, but he was (to me) lazy, unambitious, bad with money, not proactive about life in general. I spent so much of our relationship trying to "help" him get his life together and thinking "things will be so much better when he X Y Z ..." Sure, he had great potential. But you don't marry someone for their potential! We were not a match and eventually broke up.

Fast forward several years. I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half now, and I can honestly say I am more than happy with who he is, right now. Of course, he does things that bug me from time to time, but overall, he is who he is and I love him for that. If he is still like this in 5-10-15-20 etc years time, then great! I'm with him bc I love who he is now.

Just another thing, women often just want someone to listen to them when they're giving out about something, while men want to offer solutions. If I've had a sh*t day at work or am having family issues, then I just want to have a bit of a rant, and have my boyfriend listen to me and just say "yeah, that sucks." And then tell me I'm great and pour me a glass of wine That's it (and I've also had very serious family issues to deal with, so I know how trying life can be). If I just wanted a sympathetic ear and he responded with goal-setting activities and timelines, and was being aggressive about it, I'd tell him to F right off, bc that's not what I need.

My advice would be to back off. She is who she is and likely will always be. Accept her (HER, not her potential) or move along.

MagicMarker

Thread title needs to be changed to "boyfriend issue", because the OP is the one with the problem.

Dog of Tears

It reads like you're constantly nagging her.

beks101

cactusgal wrote: »

Op, one thing I've learned about relationships is that you can't date someone's potential.

....

Just another thing, women often just want someone to listen to them when they're giving out about something, while men want to offer solutions.

Two very important points.

Please don't give this woman a complex. It sounds like her self-esteem has already been a life-long battle, trust me, continue down this route of 'constructive' criticism and cajoling and preaching and berating and talking to her like a stern school teacher, and you will 1. lose her and 2. add to an already long-list of reasons why she will feel crap about herself and have a majorly lacking sense of self-belief and self-worth.

This is actually something I haven't been able to stop thinking about ever since I read the thread. I've been your OH to varying degrees. It really, really hurt to not be able to feel safe and non-judged while confiding in someone I loved and trusted about various parts of my life that were causing me stress and pain and that were at the same time, intensely private to me. To have those 'venting' sessions turned on their head so it was not about me simply letting off steam and having a bit of a cry and seeking the comfort of a good friendship, and it instead became about me being a crap person, crap with my time management, crap with my friends, crap with my relationships, crap crap crap.

That wasn't what was being said to me - I was simple being offered some 'tough love' and some 'hard solutions' - but that's all I heard. You're not enough, the way you are, right now. I don't accept you this way. I don't care about your pain - I want you to change.

Anyway. You get the general message. Please don't bulldoze through those intimate conversations with your girlfriend so you can offer some 'fixes' for her.She is who she is, right now, right this second. With or without her sh1t together as you perceive. This is her. If it's not for you, walk away.

Best of luck.

MistyCheese

You do sound quite controlling OP. Even if this comes from a place of love and genuinely wanting her to better herself, it most likely still comes across as controlling to her. The fact that she pushes back against your attempts to direct her life show that 1) she is capable of confrontation when she needs to be and 2) she would rather choose her own path, whatever that path may be, and is not comfortable with your level of involvement.

Littlekittylou

This is so personal to me.Because OP everything you have written speaks to my every insecurity about myself. Well not every insecurity I have lots more lol.

I had so many things I was going to say. But now I am not going to say most of them.

I was worried I might transfer my own feelings. I will try not to.

But I will say this. You are not someone I would want to be around.

1 On trying to change someone. The only thing someone with nothing has is the self. During my worst times all I had was myself. Do you know where she came from? You don't know what people have been through. All a person has is themselves if you take that away then they have nothing. Who are you to do that?

2. Who are you? To me you appear to be controlling, manipulative, judgmental and incapable of unconditional love. Perhaps you were the one not shown it growing up. Love is not dependent on being perfect. Who are you ? You don't appear to have the strength to love her freely nor the strength to let her go.

3. BE HONEST you are not changing her for her . YOU ARE TRYING TO CHANGE HER FOR YOU.

4. You have a right to choose your partner but not to change your partner. You have the right to choose anyone who chooses you back. You don't have to stay with this girl just because she is nice to you or other people. You must only stay with someone because you love them. And if you love them you know. You would want to be with her.

5. If you changed her the Irony is you possibly would lose the person you love and realize you loved her the way she way after all.

6. Please don't try to change her she is unique.

She is who she is because it got her here. You don't know who she needed to be and who she needed to be it for. You obviously don't know or see who she is inside. Infact I can't see why you are with her at all. Love is not about lists and if you think it is and she thinks it isn't then you two guys should not be with each other.

You mention her background. Her personality got her through it. Your personality works in your life. And hers worked in challenges she had to overcome. She probably does some things better in life than you right? And vice versa?

6 to 6 said

just be her boyfriend and get off her case

The problem here is you want to change her for you.

I think my delivery is causing issues, I'm pretty forthright, and assertive (sometimes borderline asshole out of frustration), so I've tried to change that but even with a softly softly approach she still gets upset, she thinks I'm "****-ting on her life", and that "Ive no idea what it has taken her to get comfy where she is and stay afloat".

will support her fully

No you won't. Only people who love us unconditionally support us fully. And you said it yourself if you have been behaving the way you have then she might find it hard to believe.


I don't know. I think if you want to be with her than be her boyfriend. If you don't then just leave the poor girl alone ..totally alone. Let her and you meet other wonderful people you will fall totally head over heels in love again trust me. And she probably does not want you to be dissatisfied in the relationship. Both of you are going to feel like you are doing something wrong just for being yourselves and not actually treating the other person badly. That is not ok.

You don't have to apologize for not loving someone. But you do have to apologize for trying to change them into someone you think you could love.

You love this girl? Or do you think you are falling in love with her?

Or rather do you think you could love what you could make her into?

If you don't love this girl then she deserves better. She deserves someone who loves her for her. And you deserve someone you just love.

Don't be afraid of claiming that.

She deserves someone who loves her for her.

And so do you.

Anyway she sounds interesting. Leave her the way she is.

If I were her I would just say ..we are not suited and I should leave him I feel I am holding him back and it's not fulfilling either of us.

Neither of you are happy and enjoying the relationship. I would never want to be a burden on someone. But I also think I am who I am . I like who I am. I think I am nice.

robbiezero

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Relationships, good ones, are all about getting out of your comfort zone. That's what happens when any two people starting dating. It seems like she's fairly set in her ways, and I'd hate to say it, but...she doesn't seem to care about you enough to get out of her comfort zone. You're encouraging, you believe in her, perhaps your point-of-view is seen as 'pushing' to her, but in reality you're encouraging her to do the things she says she wants to do. Yet her response is hostile and no matter how you word it, she'll always find a way of tampering with your perspective to make you the unreasonable one, while she moans about wanting to do more, and about how hard life is. I've been where you are, even a suggestion will set this kind of person off, even if it's just a throwaway sentence. The best thing you can do - for the both of you - is leave, however hard it may seem. You'll be frustrated with her constantly alluding to wanting to do more, only to get discouraged or sabotage her chances, while she blames you and becomes more resentful that you believe in her. If you suggested she talk to someone, she'd get angry. It's a no-win situation and an unhealthy one at that.

Surely a good relationship is about being in your comfort zone. Nagging someone about reaching their potential is just someone trying to control someone else. Being happy within yourself is where you need to reach in life, not someone elses idea of your imaginary potential.

tara73

OP, a good thing is always imagining how you would feel if things were reversed? how would you feel if she were trying to change you (that's what you are doing), telling you to stop your ambitiousness, your ***hole behaviour (your words!) and whatever else there is to find in any person?

would you like it and change yourself?

ivytwine

OP a tough start in life and achieving well despite this leaves you with a certain amount of tiredness.

She's had to fight every step of the way as it is. Maybe she's just tired of fighting?

DukeOfTheSharp

robbiezero wrote: »

Surely a good relationship is about being in your comfort zone. Nagging someone about reaching their potential is just someone trying to control someone else. Being happy within yourself is where you need to reach in life, not someone elses idea of your imaginary potential.

So everyone in any relationship should never try new things? We should all just stay the same, like we did when we were single, and stand staunchly against any form of change, despite however beneficial it can be? In any relationship, you learn to give and take, compromise and perhaps do things you never thought of doing before, even if it puts you out of your traditional comfort zone. Great relationships challenge both parties, there's nothing wrong with that, in fact it's healthy.

I honestly think some of these answers are simple overreactions, I've seen any number of threads where everyone loses their head and ends up calling the OP all kinds of inaccurate things - that are soon rendered void by the OP responding with specifics. From what I've read: the OPs girlfriend is someone who complains about wanting a better life, but doesn't bother with it. He tries to encourage her, sometimes gets frustrated, and acts like an asshole - because he's dealing with someone saying something and doing anohter. That's quite human, especially when you're dealing with someone who abuses the attitude of 'whatever happens, happens'. It sounds to me like he's not controlling, but being overly zealous with his encouragement, and I've known more than a few people who take that as 'nagging' because they're too self-interested to see that someone cares enough to actually encourage the dreams they have. It could be so much as a throwaway 'have you been thinking about 'x'' that sets them off, because they don't understand the difference between encouragement and nagging. However, I do think the two of them are incompatible, and after six months they're having these spats, so that doesn't bode well at all.

MistyCheese

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

So everyone in any relationship should never try new things?

No. But some people are ambitious, high-achieving go-getters and would appreciate very much a partner who would push them and cause them to achieve their full potential. The OPs girlfriend does not seem to be this type of person and is reasonably happy where she is and wishes to remain there and does not appreciate being pushed out of her comfort zone.

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

However, I do think the two of them are incompatible, and after six months they're having these spats, so that doesn't bode well at all.

Yes. I do agree with this. Neither person here is "in the wrong". The girlfriend is happy to be who she currently is and that's fine. The OP is a person who wishes to better himself and wants a partner who constantly strives to better themself and that's perfectly fine too. The only problem is when you put two people with these very different approaches to life together in a relationship.

TheBeardedLady

It could be seen either way, Dukes. The fact is, the OP met her as she is and I'm assuming she lacked drive back then too. The idea that you're going to make someone change by telling them constantly is foolish. He's admitted his delivery of advice has been bordering on dickish to which she reacts defensively. I can see it from both POVS: sounds as if he's frustrated she not the person he wishes she was and wants her to have more get up and go and she's annoyed because he won't accept her as she is.


Being an adventurous couple who tries new things is great if that's your cup of tea, but honestly, you should've picked that kind of person to go out with to begin with because they're not going to change and if they do, it'll be their decision. If you don't accept that, it's really time to move on.

DukeOfTheSharp

MistyCheese wrote: »

No. But some people are ambitious, high-achieving go-getters and would appreciate very much a partner who would push them and cause them to achieve their full potential. The OPs girlfriend does not seem to be this type of person and is reasonably happy where she is and wishes to remain there and does not appreciate being pushed out of her comfort zone.

I don't think someone who, on the one hand, talks about how hard life has been and how 'x' or 'y' has gotten them down, yet doesn't even attempt to make even the smallest positive change could be 'reasonably' happy. I'm very much in the vein of 'whatever happens, happens', but I don't believe I've a right to complain to, and drag down, someone more ambitious than I am. She seems like the type of person who'd rather bring them both down to her level, and the OP has to, perhaps, overcompensate to try getting her somewhere she might be happier.

Yes. I do agree with this. Neither person here is "in the wrong". The girlfriend is happy to be who she currently is and that's fine. The OP is a person who wishes to better himself and wants a partner who constantly strives to better themself and that's perfectly fine too. The only problem is when you put two people with these very different approaches to life together in a relationship.

I think that's another jump there, I didn't read the post thinking he wanted a partner who strives to better themselves, I think he wants a partner who actually tries. I've been where he is, sitting listening to someone who's the first to complain about their situation, but never does anything to change it. Even an attempt is too much, because they might fail. The fact that they aren't compatible is part of the problem, their perspectives differ, but she seems to be fishing for encouragement at times, only to snap and resent the concept entirely. He seems run down, which isn't entirely his doing (he still has a part to play here) and she needs someone who'll just kind of exist, but won't do anything.

DukeOfTheSharp

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

It could be seen either way, Dukes. The fact is, the OP met her as she is and I'm assuming she lacked drive back then too. The idea that you're going to make someone change by telling them constantly is foolish. He's admitted his delivery of advice has been bordering on dickish to which she reacts defensively. I can see it from both POVS: sounds as if he's frustrated she not the person he wishes she was and wants her to have more get up and go and she's annoyed because he won't accept her as she is.


Being an adventurous couple who tries new things is great if that's your cup of tea, but honestly, you should've picked that kind of person to go out with to begin with because they're not going to change and if they do, it'll be their decision. If you don't accept that, it's really time to move on.

Do we ever really know the kind of person we're going out with straight away? It takes at least a few months to know someone fully and understand what drives another person. The issue yourself, and many posters, are stuck on is that he's attempting to 'change' her - without thinking that, perhaps, her attitude is to talk about these things effecting her life all too often, and his response is to respond with encouragement. If anything, he's frustrated that she can't be the person she wants to be, and has no idea how to handle that kind of self-defeating attitude. She seems ready with excuses, but they're always 'my upbringing was this' or 'this made me feel run down', and views encouragement as nagging (again, from what I've read). The fact that he's getting frustrated is a bad sign, but jumping onto the bandwagon of the OP being controlling or wishes she was his 'ideal' is unfair. The biggest mistake the OP is making is encouraging her, because she seems, quite frankly, a bit selfish. Instead of sitting down and talking to him about it, she gets defensive, starting an argument over something that requires a conversation. The OP might be handling this poorly, but so has she and it's nothing an adult conversation couldn't find a solution to.

TheBeardedLady

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Do we ever really know the kind of person we're going out with straight away? It takes at least a few months to know someone fully and understand what drives another person. The issue yourself, and many posters, are stuck on is that he's attempting to 'change' her - without thinking that, perhaps, her attitude is to talk about these things effecting her life all too often, and his response is to respond with encouragement. If anything, he's frustrated that she can't be the person she wants to be, and has no idea how to handle that kind of self-defeating attitude. She seems ready with excuses, but they're always 'my upbringing was this' or 'this made me feel run down', and views encouragement as nagging (again, from what I've read). The fact that he's getting frustrated is a bad sign, but jumping onto the bandwagon of the OP being controlling or wishes she was his 'ideal' is unfair. The biggest mistake the OP is making is encouraging her, because she seems, quite frankly, a bit selfish. Instead of sitting down and talking to him about it, she gets defensive, starting an argument over something that requires a conversation. The OP might be handling this poorly, but so has she and it's nothing an adult conversation couldn't find a solution to.

I'd argue that you know very early on if a person is driven and adventurous. You know going on what they've done, what they do etc. I doubt she displayed either of those traits from the outset.

I didn't call him controlling in my posts, in fairness nor did I mention that he wished she was his "ideal". I think your being fairly biased in your judgement of her too.

End of the day, they're not suited if it's leading to arguments all the time.

pipster

I think that there’s a few things going on. The OP is definitely thinking in her interest but unfortunately you can’t make people do things. As mentioned already, there are people out there who want to keep doing better with work or education etc but some people aren’t like that. Some people look at work like something to just pay the bills and life outside of work like family and friends is where they put their focus. I’ve tried to help different people get out of difficult situations but its pointless unless they want to. They can tell you that they want to but they forget about it as soon as the conversation is over.

I see it as is –

Is she wants help, help her and let her do what she wants the way she wants to do it.

Think to yourself what attracted you in the first place. Don’t focus on how she’s less motivated than you but how maybe her relaxed way of life might help balance your more structured very focused attitude. My husband and I are very different in a lot of things but we work well together so that reason.

I don’t think sleeping in and doing nothing is a relaxed way of life so hopefully she does more than that!

DukeOfTheSharp

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

I'd argue that you know very early on if a person is driven and adventurous. You know going on what they've done, what they do etc. I doubt she displayed either of those traits from the outset.

I didn't call him controlling in my posts, in fairness nor did I mention that he wished she was his "ideal". I think your being fairly biased in your judgement of her too.

End of the day, they're not suited if it's leading to arguments all the time.

Well it'd seem fairly strange for the OP to stick with her if she wasn't at least a little driven, or alluded to being such.

No, you didn't, but many people are, and while you didn't explicitly use the word 'ideal', you made allusions to him being frustrated that she isn't what he wants her to be - an ideal. I'm actually anything but bias here, I've called out the OP on his attitude, being too frustrated and coming off as an arse shows he lacks patience, but from what I read, she doesn't seem harmless and devoid of responsibility for the situation. Given how a majority of the posts here lean towards the OP being an awful person, I think everyone has gotten into extremes.

Yes, they're not well suited, but I think the OP has 'new relationship blindness' and can't really see the problem, all I've tried to do is point out some issues that make them incompatible, with the information I have.

TheBeardedLady

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Well it'd seem fairly strange for the OP to stick with her if she wasn't at least a little driven, or alluded to being such.

No, you didn't, but many people are, and while you didn't explicitly use the word 'ideal', you made allusions to him being frustrated that she isn't what he wants her to be - an ideal.

I followed my sentence with "and wants her to have more get up and go" so I didn't mean "an ideal". You interpreted what I said incorrectly. This is one aspect of her he wants to change and I was referring to that.

I don't think the OP is an awful person but I do think his battle is futile and he needs to pack the pestering/convincing/whatever you want to call it, in. It's up to her to decide for herself what she should do with her life and no amount of cajoling will change that.


I think everyone to some degree sees themselves in this relationship. Funnily enough, I'm the OP in this one though I've never tried to change my boyfriend's behaviour or pestered him about it. I love travelling and adventure, would move to Timbuktu tomorrow if he'd come whereas he's a lot more cautious about everything (though he's driven career-wise), which is very common in his culture. It was my choice to date someone like him and to stay with them as I knew that was a fundamental part of his personality that was never going to change.

I can't agree with you at all that the OP didn't suspect she was like that when they first met. You know that from their career, their hobbies, where they've been, which I've always discussed with a partner from the outset and I wouldn't say I'm exceptional. People stay with people all the time in the hopes that they'll change and yes, it is strange. Happens all the time though.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

cactusgal

Don't think anyone said the OP was an "awful person," in fairness. That's a slight exaggeration.