Keep on trying?

LegacyUser

Hi,

A bit of background - I've been seeing counsellors for most of my adult life due to depression, isolation and relationship (lack of) issues.

My current counsellor suggested I try pychoanalysis as my sessions with her were coming to an end. Now, I've read up on it and pyschoanalysis gets a raw deal from the reviews I've checked, so I'm already hearing alarm bells about this.

All my previous counsellors (9 int total, I think) were for a set number of sessions. As you can guess, nothing much has changed apart from I've got older and greyer in the intervening years, whereas there has been no progress on my issues.

Anyhow, I have my first session with the psychoanalyst and she was surprised at the number of counsellors I've had and the lack of time I've had with each of them.

She suggested that a long term action plan (weekly sessions over a minimum of one year) would be required in order for any difference to be obtained. That sounds well and good, but the catch is that these sessions would be private - costing £60 each - meaning that in the space of a year it would cost me approx £3,000, which is a lot of money to me (and I suppose most people).

I'm baulking at this as none of the previous attempts have been successful and the reviews I've read about psychoanalysis are mostly negative. Am I just going to be filling someones pension fund?

I know I should be positive and go for it, but there have been nine false dawns already. I've gone into new counselling/help sessions with positivity in the past only for my hopes to be dashed.

What do I do? I could ask for a public psychoanalyst, but that will take a minimum of 2 years on a waiting list.

Or do I just accept myself for what I am and get on with things?

RossFixxxed

Have you gone to a GP in the last while? If endless counselling isn't working perhaps a totally new tack may be needed? I'm not going to recommend anything medical, but a GP can prescribe and/or recommend steps you can take, and refer you to public healthcare without a 2 year waiting list.

Clearly the current approach isn't working. Never accept depression, fight it!

Tokyo

As per the forum charter, requesting PM exchanges with an OP is forbidden, and posts containing as such will be deleted. Considering this rule also has its own dedicated sticky thread in each forum, there really is no excuse for such posts.

Regards,
Mike

Mr. Incognito

Might be time to seek a psycharatrist?

They can medicate, which might be appropriate.

orthsquel

I suppose with both the cost and the prospect that it may not benefit you puts you in a hard place.
Your past counselling has been in set sessions without I assume, any follow up and discontinued without regard for if there has been any progress. Perhaps the longevity of psychoanalysis will allow for some progress as it won't be discontinued after X amount of weeks, but until the issue is dealt with.
Have you considered inquiring about reduced cost psychoanalysis details of which can be found on the Irish Institute of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, but at their Dublin clinic?
I honestly wouldn't know if this type of therapy would be of benefit to you or will help you at all, I suppose you can only find out by trying it or gathering more information about it. Perhaps reviews or information online might not be sufficient to make a decision, perhaps you could try making contact with that particular institute and find out more information and if its suitable for you, or discussing it with a GP.

Edit to add after thought: just realised you might not be in Ireland, if that is the case perhaps look for the equivalent of that institute applicable to you and look for low cost options if cost is an issue. I think that rather than perhaps look at the overall sum it would cost, look at the per session cost and view it as an investment in yourself, an investment that might not have an immediate return in the short term, but may do in the long term. Whether you see yourself as worth investing in in that way, I don't know, but I would see a person as something worth investing in when the overall aim is to make their lives better.

LegacyUser

Have you considered inquiring about reduced cost psychoanalysis details of which can be found on the Irish Institute of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, but at their Dublin clinic?

I could wait 2 years for an NHS equivalent - I'm pretty sure that there is no subsidy for going private in the intervening time - I'll ask my current counsellor.

look at the per session cost and view it as an investment in yourself, an investment that might not have an immediate return in the short term, but may do in the long term. Whether you see yourself as worth investing in in that way, I don't know, but I would see a person as something worth investing in when the overall aim is to make their lives better.

I know, but I've had so many dissappointments and false dawns I really can't believe that this is the one that will work. I feel like I'm being taken for a fool.

Have you gone to a GP in the last while?

Yes, I keep them up to date with progress (or lack of progress).

Clearly the current approach isn't working. Never accept depression, fight it!

How? Everything I've tried has failed. I'm fed up trying the next item on the list.

I see my current counsellor soon and I'll ask her about the way forward, if there is one.

Redser87

Dunno if this is a thing that happens in Ireland but a friend of mine just qualified as a psychoanalyst in Germany, and in his final year everyone on his course had two long-term patients (clients? sorry, I don't know what the right word is). The people went to the university for their sessions and his paperwork etc was overseen by an experienced psychoanalyst. It was free as far as I know, certainly he didn't get paid for it. He was in final year of his advanced course, had completed an undergrad degree in psychology already, so he knew his stuff. Lovely guy as well, if you got someone like him you'd be in very safe hands. Maybe you could contact the psychology department of the university closest to you and see if this is something their postgrad students have to do?

santana75

Im not having a go at you OP but you sound like a victim, like its almost not in your power to heal your own life, like thats someone elses gig. Therapy is great but it only goes so far, its about 20% therapy, 80% you and the work you put in off the therapists couch. You have the power to change your life, the answer isnt something that someone else has and will give to you, thats not how it works. Theres low cost therapy and trust me, thats fine, its all you need.
Theres a few questions that Id ask you about your life, what is it like, day to day, week to week. Are you getting out and living it, doing things you love and are passionate about, meeting people, creating relationships, moving your life forward as a whole? Or are you isolating yourself, living a one dimensional life, never trying anything new, never going after what you want?
If its the latter then Id set about correcting those issues in your life long before Id fork out 60 quid a week for psycho analysis.

KomradeBishop

You're right to be skeptical. I would be asking the person you're seeing, what kind of evidence-based-research they know of, that shows it is effective for treating your issues, and how up to date they are on their knowledge of research in that field (where it comes to efficacy for your problems) - and be sure to do your own research to check up on what they say, and challenge them on it if current research puts doubt their claims (if they don't respond well to this, and are not open to discussing it, then personally I'd write off the idea of going to them entirely).

If you feel at any stage that you're unsure where it is going, and the person treating you gives unsatisfying answers when you bring that up, my personal opinion is to not try and stick it out any longer; quickly move on to something else, so you don't waste a lot of money and (even more importantly) time.

LegacyUser

Theres a few questions that Id ask you about your life, what is it like, day to day, week to week. Are you getting out and living it, doing things you love and are passionate about, meeting people, creating relationships, moving your life forward as a whole?

No, I'm not getting out - I have no friends to socialise with.
I have no real passions. I got to the gym, but that is about it.
No relationships either. Never really had one as I don't get out.

are you isolating yourself, living a one dimensional life, never trying anything new, never going after what you want?

Yes on all counts.



I know this is the problem - I am well aware of this and have told many counsellors this. My problem is that despite wanting to resolve this, I can't and/or don't know how to resolve it. That is what I need help with - I don't know how to make friends or socialise and now that I'm getting older people are settling down and opportunities are becoming less which is making it more difficult for me.
Plus the longer this goes on the more comfortable it is for me in this rut. It becomes scarey to make changes and it is easier to stay as is, despite not wanting to.

beks101

Hi OP,

I'm not a qualified professional and I say this without knowing anything about your history with emotional problems, background or personality. But 9 counsellors is a lot. A LOT of professionals to come through without making an ounce of progress. In my personal experience with mental illness, in both those around me and my own issues, if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards and I fail to see how setting yourself up in a very expensive long-term plan with yet another therapist is going to change things.

Counselling can be great under a very specific set of conditions. 1. You find a therapist with a personality and approach that is compatible with who you are. This takes intense research, phone calls, travel, stops-and-starts, time and assertiveness on your part. 2. Your proactivity towards your own recovery stretches far beyond signing up for a few weekly therapy sessions. You are willing to do quite literally, whatever the hell it takes to get better and live the life you want - including going above and beyond your comfort zone, doing things that scare the holy crap out of you, eradicating friendships and relationships that are bad for you, having awkward conversations where needed, challenging yourself socially, allowing new, positive people to enter your life and actively seeking such people, dedicating your life's work to eliminating bad habits and creating more wholesome new ones.

Essentially, recovery needs to be life or death to you and not about offing the responsibility for your mental health into the hands of the next person in line who promises change. I think there's a danger for some people of counselling becoming a crutch - to the point where dissecting every thought and every action in your life becomes normal - resulting in inaction and dependency issues. Paralysis by analysis. This sounds to me to be an issue you're dealing with.

Psychotherapy can be a very useful tool in getting to know yourself to your very core by unravelling the many layers of your being like an onion - back to childhood - in the right hands and with the right approach it can be an enlightening experience.

But before you even consider committing to this, you need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down every single reason why the previous nine counsellors couldn't help you move beyond your issues. Was the fault with every single one of them? Or is there something in you that is unwilling to commit fully to your recovery; is there a part of you that's scared of attempting to embrace life? Fear of rejection, fear of failure? What exactly does a healthy, happy life look like to you, and what do you stand to lose by committing fully to it?

Escapees

Some thoughts...

1) It's always been my impression that there are good counsellors out there and... let's say 'less effective' ones. I would not personally read too much into the fact that the OP has been to several counsellors with no real progress.

2) Psychoanalysis is not an all or nothing thing - it's not uncommon for good counsellors (in my experience) to incorporate it or aspects of it with clients if appropriate. As with any therapy, it's definitely worth trying out. And of course if the OP feels it's not working then they can express this and stop the sessions.

3) It comes across that the new potential therapist wants the OP to commit to a year of therapy but I would presume that they are just trying to get them used to the idea that it could take up to a year (or longer) to address some of the underlying issues. Perhaps they got the impression that the OP wanted an in and out quick-fix etc. Anyway, this sounds to me like a good therapist!!

Bottom line, go for it for now would be my advice. You can see what progress you make from the sessions and stop at any time etc. Or indeed, you may decide after 6 months that it's the best money you've ever spent and well worth putting more into it!

Best of luck...


Edit: I'd also recommend discussing your concerns and thoughts about the type of therapy and also the cost side of things with the new therapist.

Rubberchikken

i think deep down you realise you have to make the effort if anything is to change.

the gym mightn't be enough to interact with others. for a lot of people it's probably a place to just work out, end of.

what interest do you have? what talents? if you were interested in volunteering not only are you contributing to society but the people involved would be a very like minded bunch and it's a great way to make friends.

i know that maybe fear is stopping you now but if you want to change things you know what you have to do.

best of luck

dar100

If depression is the primary problem, go with a CBT therapist, try get this from a psychologist!

If the depression is coming from long standing relationship problems, go with a psychodynamic therapist,

LegacyUser

Hi OP again. Thanks for all these detailed and informative replies. I appreciate the time & effort you have taken to write these replies.

1. You find a therapist with a personality and approach that is compatible with who you are. This takes intense research, phone calls, travel, stops-and-starts, time and assertiveness on your part.

This is done on the NHS, so you take the counsellor you are assigned.

2. Your proactivity towards your own recovery stretches far beyond signing up for a few weekly therapy sessions. You are willing to do quite literally, whatever the hell it takes to get better and live the life you want - including going above and beyond your comfort zone, doing things that scare the holy crap out of you, eradicating friendships and relationships that are bad for you, having awkward conversations where needed, challenging yourself socially, allowing new, positive people to enter your life and actively seeking such people, dedicating your life's work to eliminating bad habits and creating more wholesome new ones.

This bit interests me, because in all the time I've been to theraphy they have never once asked me to do anything or suggest I think about doing something. I just go in, talk and listen, and then go home an carry on until next week. I just can't fathom out how its meant to help me.

i think deep down you realise you have to make the effort if anything is to change.
the gym mightn't be enough to interact with others. for a lot of people it's probably a place to just work out, end of.

I know this exactly. I have been telling this to my most recent counsellors. I know I need to get out. However, for all my adult life I've been in this 'rut' and I cannot get out of it. It is scaring and frustrating me. I need help to get out of it, but nothing seems to work. I keep asking for help, but nothing comes.

what interest do you have? what talents? if you were interested in volunteering not only are you contributing to society but the people involved would be a very like minded bunch and it's a great way to make friends.

I don't really have any interests. I like films but I don't like discussing them - I like to keep my opinions to myself. Maybe it is because I'm scared others will disagree with my thoughts on things. Who knows, but that's me.
No discernable talents either. Where I've got to in life was more through effort than talent.

i know that maybe fear is stopping you now but if you want to change things you know what you have to do.

To keep hammering home the same message - I know what I've got to do. For some reason I can't force myself out to do it. I don't know why - it probably is fear. I've asked for help getting myself out there, but it is not happening. The longer this goes on, the more my behaviour becomes ingrained and the more difficult it becomes to change.

What frustrates me and makes me angry is that this could have been resolved when i first asked for help 15 years ago. Its now at the stage where some paths in life that I might have like to taken are no longer available to me - that makes me angry with how all this is progressing. Angry with the counsellors and angry with myself.

you need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down every single reason why the previous nine counsellors couldn't help you move beyond your issues. Was the fault with every single one of them? Or is there something in you that is unwilling to commit fully to your recovery; is there a part of you that's scared of attempting to embrace life? Fear of rejection, fear of failure? What exactly does a healthy, happy life look like to you, and what do you stand to lose by committing fully to it?

In regards to the counsellors, when progress is made they are good counsellors; when no progress is made, then the patient is unwilling to commit.
However, i think the faults/blame lies with all parties. I have said above I am scared to commit, but I've not really being guided on what I need to do to get out of this situation. I am scared of failure and moreso rejection.
I have my four walls and whilst I do not particularly like them, they are familiar and that is comforting and safe for me. I don't like risk and I don't take risks. That is now why I am in this situation and am unable to get out of it.
I don't have a life, I have an existance.

KomradeBishop

psychoanalyst wrote: »

This bit interests me, because in all the time I've been to theraphy they have never once asked me to do anything or suggest I think about doing something. I just go in, talk and listen, and then go home an carry on until next week. I just can't fathom out how its meant to help me.

CBT, with the right counsellor, can be a helpful alternative, as you actually are pushed to expand your comfort zone and challenge yourself (I recommend researching the reputation of the person you see, particularly qualifications, as there's very poor regulation in handing out certs for some things).

santana75

psychoanalyst wrote: »

To keep hammering home the same message - I know what I've got to do. For some reason I can't force myself out to do it. I don't know why - it probably is fear. I've asked for help getting myself out there, but it is not happening. The longer this goes on, the more my behaviour becomes ingrained and the more difficult it becomes to change.

What frustrates me and makes me angry is that this could have been resolved when i first asked for help 15 years ago. Its now at the stage where some paths in life that I might have like to taken are no longer available to me - that makes me angry with how all this is progressing. Angry with the counsellors and angry with myself.
.

What strikes Me most is the belief you have that someone else should have the answer and they should be helping you. Its all in your hands. I couldn't believe it when you said you go to therapy and nobody will tell you what to do in order to turn your life around. That's not what therapy is. You have to do this, not a counsellor and not psychoanslysis. And I know you'll say you Dont know how to do this, but that's the thing, nobody knows, they just get started and when you do that the way forward will reveal itself every step of the way. There's no map no formula, and every journey is different, everyone has to find their own way, that's why your counsellors won't tell you what to do.
You're so caught up in negative thinking and analysis that you're not actually going anywhere. And its all just chasing your own tail looking for a magic bullet. What if I told you that there's nothing wrong with you, that there is no depression and that you have everything inside of you that's required to be happy? You only need to go out and follow your intuition and your heart. You don't have to have a group to go out with to socialize, you only need yourself. Start trying things, anything, that's how you figure yourself out. You Dont need anyone to hold your hand to do that, you can just do it. Go to a dance class, there's lots of beginners classes around, just pick one and take the plunge. I guarantee you as soon as you start this process you'll instantly feel better and you'll literally feel yourself grow. You Dont need anybody to tell you how to make friends, just go out into the world and in everything you do, treat people as you yourself would want to be treated, that's all you have to remember.
But get going forget forking out 60 bills a week for psychoanalysis, find a low cost counsellor and that'll be all you need. Forget the NHS, just Google low cost counselling and go from there.

Katgurl

I can only speak from my own experience.


I went to a number of counsellors over the years and they all dealt with separate issues. It helped a little but not much.

I finally decided to bite the bullet and went into psychoanalysis. 2.5 years once a week at $70 a pop. It was the best money I ever spent. They don't deal with separate 'issues' or events, they delve right in. It's very hard work and throws up lots of demons and can make life messy for a while but it was the best time & money I ever spent.

However it is a big investment and if you're not committed then wait till you are (if ever).

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

What strikes Me most is the belief you have that someone else should have the answer and they should be helping you. Its all in your hands. I couldn't believe it when you said you go to therapy and nobody will tell you what to do in order to turn your life around. That's not what therapy is. You have to do this, not a counsellor and not psychoanslysis. And I know you'll say you Dont know how to do this, but that's the thing, nobody knows, they just get started and when you do that the way forward will reveal itself every step of the way. There's no map no formula, and every journey is different, everyone has to find their own way, that's why your counsellors won't tell you what to do.

Genuinely, I just turned up and the talked to me. I was never asked about progress or how I felt things were moving along. It was just turn up, talk and go home. It baffled me - and still does.
If counsellors won't help me in that respect, then what is the point of them? I knew 15 years ago that I needed to get out and do more, so why have things not progressed and why have they not pulled me up on it yet? What is the point of them if they don't question you and your activity?

You're so caught up in negative thinking and analysis that you're not actually going anywhere. And its all just chasing your own tail looking for a magic bullet. What if I told you that there's nothing wrong with you, that there is no depression and that you have everything inside of you that's required to be happy? You only need to go out and follow your intuition and your heart. You don't have to have a group to go out with to socialize, you only need yourself.

That is easy for you to say. Maybe I am/was looking for a magic bullet. However, I realise it will be hard work. I know I have to get out there, but I lack the drive/motivation to do so. I can't wait on myself much longer as things are passing me by and I'm frustrated with myself for not doing what I need to do.

Start trying things, anything, that's how you figure yourself out. You Dont need anyone to hold your hand to do that, you can just do it. Go to a dance class, there's lots of beginners classes around, just pick one and take the plunge. I guarantee you as soon as you start this process you'll instantly feel better and you'll literally feel yourself grow. You Dont need anybody to tell you how to make friends, just go out into the world and in everything you do, treat people as you yourself would want to be treated, that's all you have to remember.

Why must I do something I've no interest in? I don't like dancing, never have - I've got two left feet. I realise that dancing can be substituted for any other activity, but think as I might, there is not much really that interests me - I'm a boring person with little or no interests. I've tried going out to things just to be social, but if you're not interested then it shows to others. Plus, they might be there to get away from things and not looking for friends. There is an assumption that going dancing, night classes, book clubs, whatever it may be that everyone is there to make friends. As I've experienced first hand at the night classes, this is not the case.

I want to make friends, but for some reason I honestly can't be bothered to make the effort and my apathy towards this is driving my crazy and into depression.

But get going forget forking out 60 bills a week for psychoanalysis, find a low cost counsellor and that'll be all you need. Forget the NHS, just Google low cost counselling and go from there.

My previous counsellors have said that my upbringing in an unsocial environment with no conversation has moulded me this way.

I frustrate myself and I hate myself for making my life an existance.

I finally decided to bite the bullet and went into psychoanalysis. 2.5 years once a week at $70 a pop. It was the best money I ever spent. They don't deal with separate 'issues' or events, they delve right in. It's very hard work and throws up lots of demons and can make life messy for a while but it was the best time & money I ever spent.

However it is a big investment and if you're not committed then wait till you are (if ever).

Were you in the same situation as me? How did it work out for you? Is your life back on track?

KomradeBishop

On starting progress back from social difficulties, it's a slow start and just getting around people on a regular basis - to gradually expand your comfort zone - is the way to go, and then as you get more comfortable and regain social abilities, you (re)develop the skills needed to make acquaintances/friends and to connect with people.

Agreed though - finding the right environment to actually get to know the people there, can be tricky - keep on looking for things that might interest you though (and even try some things you're unsure of, just to get around people more); this can be difficult and take effort in itself, but it's important to keep on expanding your opportunities by finding new (sociable) things you can do (Meetup.com is good for this).

Practising the skills you gain often, is important, so that the skills you do redevelop don't atrophy (much like with muscle, you need to exercise these skills regularly to keep them).

While I recommended CBT therapy - as that is good at pushing your comfort zone and challenging you - you've been trying different types of therapy for a while now, so maybe it's best to put that aside for the moment, and take the time you would use going to therapy each week, and dedicate that to making yourself do something more socially oriented instead? (first once a week, then twice and more if you can)
If you decide to go back to therapy later (after maybe losing steam and getting in a rut again, or having a setback), then you may have new experiences to bring with you, that you can work on (getting a fresh perspective on any problems or bad ways of thinking) to get you back out there again.

I don't know what stage of social difficulty/ability you're at though (and thus, which situations are too-much/too-little of a challenge for you); this is something you'd have to judge yourself (though a good CBT therapist may be able to help).
If you try something too hard, or if something you normally manage doesn't go well, you might experience a setback - but that's normal, and all part of the process of getting better; it's scary/painful and you'll experience a fair number of setbacks, but it's progress.

Is that something you would do? Maybe go on Meetup.com, or look up some other types of hobbies/classes you could 'potentially' like (or just are curious about), and resolve to do something (anything?) once a week? (and eventually more)

Katgurl

psychoanalyst wrote: »

My previous counsellors have said that my upbringing in an unsocial environment with no conversation has moulded me this way.

I frustrate myself and I hate myself for making my life an existance.



Were you in the same situation as me? How did it work out for you? Is your life back on track?

I don't know if it's 'back on track' it's on another track and a track that is much more rewarding to me. To the outside world I possibly looked more on top of things before but I was miserable really . Now I feel secure in myself and I feel contented. I really believe that these other counsellors will just deal with small issues and paper over the cracks if it's a much wider problem (like a traumatic childhood). I think from what you've said you would benefit hugely from analysis because you have suggested your problems (i am saying problems but i think everyone has them) do stem from your early life and you sound committed to healing yourself.

I also agree with your previous post; why should you do things you don't want to do? You shouldn't feel obliged to 'fit in'.

My mother is a psychoanalysist so maybe I had a head start in that I was aware of what I was getting into and didn't expect to feel better after 3 weeks. You sound like you're searching for something, an ability to connect perhaps and I don't think salsa dancing or swimming is going to do it.

I am not allowed to suggest you pm me but I can post more info here on good questions to ask when choosing an analyst.

Greenduck

Hi OP

Firstly I understand how hard this is for you. You feel stuck in a psychological rut and nothing seems to be helping. Plus technically you are going to therapy so your technically ticking the boxes of the things that you should be doing.

Secondly, I can understand why your current psychoanalytic therapist might have been surprised that you have only worked in short term therapy with deadlines and finish dates. Nearly all therapy with the exclusion of CBT, works off the basis that the finish date is when you are READY to finish and not because your time is up. I understand that it is public NHS counselling but this is obviously not fitting for your recovery so not only is it a waste of your time, it is possibly making you feel worse and sapping the energy from you. Who wouldn't be disillusioned after 9 counsellors?

However, 9 different professionals is an awful lot of counsellors and not recommended. Before you begin another commitment to another counsellor you should make sure that this fit feels right. Ask her what way she works and what might be involved. Ask her about her qualifications etc and try and see if you feel comfortable in her presence. Tell her you might like to commit to a few sessions first to see if the right dynamic is there. If she is trained, she will be well used to these questions and have gone through this process herself.

Psychoanalysis is not for everybody either and is possibly the exact opposite of what your experience is. It focuses on your childhood and unconcious feelings and drives, dreams and fantasies. They really dig in deep and it doesnt make sense to a lot of people. Another approach to explore might be humanistic/integrative. They put the client at the centre of recovery, however this will also be weekly and will take a full commitment from you. You may be able to get discount therapy from local centres so enquire on what services they have available.

OP, I know it looks bleak right now but the fact that you continue to try to feel better means you must have some hope for yourself so don't give up! Recovery is not as easy as taking a dance class, but think about what it is that gives you some pleasure ( even if it is sittting in the park for 5 minutes on your lunch) and focus of that. That one good, positive thing in your day is so importantfor starting to feel better.

Hope you feel better soon.

santana75

Katgurl wrote: »

I also agree with your previous post; why should you do things you don't want to do? You shouldn't feel obliged to 'fit in'.

But youre missing the point entirely. Its not about doing things you dont wanna do. Its about exploration and Trying things, so see if they spark something in you. Theres a misconception surrounding motivation and thats you have to feel motivated to do something before you actually do it. But thats not true, motivation comes second. It comes after you've taken that initial step and taken action. The point is you just do not know what will spark an interest in you until you've given it a go. Making your mind up about things before you've genuinely given them a go will seriously limit your life and your growth as a person.
Its not about "fitting in" either. My God its the exact opposite of fitting in. Its about going out into the world and finding out who you are. But along the way you'll meet people and learn how to interact with them in a healthy way. If you try something and you dont like it, you leave it behind and go try something else. But its been my experience that nothings a waste, even when you try something and you find you dont connect with it in any way, you'll always come away having taken something positive and constructive from the experience. Nothing is a waste and its all relevant and adds to your life.

santana75

psychoanalyst wrote: »

Genuinely, I just turned up and the talked to me. I was never asked about progress or how I felt things were moving along. It was just turn up, talk and go home. It baffled me - and still does.
If counsellors won't help me in that respect, then what is the point of them? I knew 15 years ago that I needed to get out and do more, so why have things not progressed and why have they not pulled me up on it yet? What is the point of them if they don't question you and your activity?

"If counsellors wont help me......" The thing is, they are helping you and you dont even see it. You dont see it because you have expectations of someone fixing you and telling you what to do. Thats not what counselling is. You have someone to listen to you and not judge you. That is massive. You get to release toxic shame without fear of condemnation. That is massive. And this is what counselling is about. Its not about you going in and them telling you, well this is what you do, here I'll show you, theres a manual, you just have to follow the bullett points and you'll be grand.
Its up to you to question your own self and work out what your next move is. You can bring that into sessions and bounce it off a therapist and they'll give you an opinion(maybe) or maybe they'll just reflect it back to you and ask you what you think yourself? Its a way to get you in touch with your own intuition so you become self sufficient and able to row your own boat.

psychoanalyst wrote: »

That is easy for you to say. Maybe I am/was looking for a magic bullet. However, I realise it will be hard work. I know I have to get out there, but I lack the drive/motivation to do so. I can't wait on myself much longer as things are passing me by and I'm frustrated with myself for not doing what I need to do.

It is easy for me to say but it wasnt easy for me to do. But I did it. I would never advise people to do something I myself hadnt experienced directly and I have gone through this process. So I know what Im talking about and I understand exactly whats involved and how playing the victim and waiting around can hold you back from going anywhere. I understand that its a choice, you can choose to wait until you feel motivated or you can just make a decision and do it anyway, regardless of how you feel. Motivation will come afterwards.
In regards to the apathy towards friendships, so you do want to have friends yet you dont bother with being friendly. You know yourself thats your problem right there. You have to try. It gets easier, believe me, but you have to put in an effort. Talking to people is a two way thing. You cant just sit back and expect the other person to hold up the entire conversation while sit back and do nothing. Imagine talking to someone and they give you dead end, one syllable answers. Its too much effort to talk to a person like that because theyre not trying or at the very least it comes across like that person doesnt give a **** about talking you. And when it seems like someone isnt bothered we walk away and avoid that person in future. You have to meet people half way and show and interest in them, and this is a skill you develop through practice, practice and more practice. You'll get better at it the more you do it. So you can use any situation to develop your social skills or you can sit there with closed body language and say nothing to nobody and not take part. Its up to you.

LegacyUser

Well,

I've had my second session and I'm going to stick out this inital assessment phase. It seems good so far. I've laid out all my concerns about it pretty much the same as I've done here. She is linking everything we discussed so far back to my childhood and upbringing. I'm not 100% comfortable with that, as it feels like blaming my parents for my upbringing and I know my mum would be devestated if she knew anything about all this.

You get to release toxic shame without fear of condemnation.

Toxic shame???

But its been my experience that nothings a waste,

Strongly disagree. The last 10 years of my life have been wasted.

I have asked her about how I make progress and what way is it judged. I'm still not 100% sure of her answer on that one. It's something to confirm at the next session.

The financial side of all this still worries me, but four more sessions and we'll see if there is a future for it for me.