how private should a relationship with an ex be?

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and he has a child from a previous relationship.
The relationship with the child's mother has been over for a few years but seems quite civil.

Our relationship has been great and I thought we were really close apart from one thing, he won't talk about anything to do with his ex. Not that I'm asking for details of their relationship but anything at all makes him clam up!
It came to a head today because he's been really cranky with me for a while and I've been asking what's going on. I honestly thought he was trying to get me to break up with him!! In the course of a row it came out that they have been arguing constantly about custody and money since Christmas! And he didn't say a word! He told me it was none of my business and their problems are between them. Just to add he also won't go down the legal route of getting it all on paper to stop the arguing. I told him he can't take it out on me while keeping it a secret but he takes that to mean I'm pushing him to talk about it.
I don't expect to hear every little detail, or every row they have buy I thought it was normal to discuss issues in your life with your gf/bf!

I really feel like he still thinks he's part of a couple as he sees it as their private issue not to be discussed with outsiders. I didn't realise I was an outsider in his life and his ex was someone to protect.
I can see it being the end because I don't see why I should share my life with him when he is closing the door on me.



I suppose I'm hoping some of you could tell me if it's normal to have this weird friend/foe private relationship with an ex, and to be told it's none of your business.

(We haven't met each other's children as its a bit long distance and neither of is think it's a good idea until we are closer geographically. I'm fairly sure she doesn't know about me)

rcarroll

It sounds a bit complicated. Ye are long Distance, only dating a year, no involvement in his kids life....tbh I think he's just protecting himself and his family, it obviously hurts but you're not fully involved yet so I can see why he'd ve reticent....if I were you, I'd try to talk to him again about the relationship, maybe see can ye move things forward between ye or if that's what he wants...to be more part of his family. You can't just wade in and lay down the law even if it seems obvious, until you are involved in the family more....whether he or you want that is a big step though

Littlekittylou

thisistheop wrote: »

He told me it was none of my business and their problems are between them.
I don't expect to hear every little detail, or every row they have buy I thought it was normal to discuss issues in your life with your gf/bf!





I suppose I'm hoping some of you could tell me if it's normal to have this weird friend/foe private relationship with an ex, and to be told it's none of your business.

Yes actually particularly with children. All of the couples I know who have children from previous relationships the partners are a sort of no go area.

And their problems are between them. You want them to keep it that way TRUST ME!

pookie82

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Yes actually particularly with children. All of the couples I know who have children from previous relationships the partners are a sort of no go area.

And their problems are between them. You want them to keep it that way TRUST ME!

I agree with this. Wouldn't it be worse if he was on the phone night and day giving out about her and wearing you down with the nitty gritty of their arguments?

There's a child involved so he has to be sensitive about it. And perhaps he doesn't want to seem like he's bad mouthing the mother of his child by talking about his disagreements with her to you.

The approach I would take is, if it's making him overall "cranky" and snappy with you, you could just say "look I appreciate you want your privacy in this instance and to respect her, but if you want to discuss it with me the odd time to get advice or another point of view, I'm here for you".

That's all you can really do. I'd look far more unkindly on him giving out about her night and day than I would him keeping their battles to himself. I assume as time goes on if you two get more serious it would naturally progress that you'd find out more about what goes on between them, but for now I think it's appropriate it stays between them, as the parents of their child.

Tasden

You say you feel as if they're still a couple and you're an outsider.. but that's because its basically true. They're not a couple in a romantic sense but they are a partnership and that doesn't change regardless of new partners etc, they are always two parts of one parenting couple/team. And you will, as harsh as this sounds, always be an outsider to that because you're not the child's parent. That's not to say you'll never be included or anything of the sort or that you should feel left out as a result. Right now you two aren't living together, the kids/family aspect of the relationship hasn't been introduced, I don't think it's all that unusual for him to keep that aspect separate for now. Maybe when ye are living closer and are more involved with each other's kids he will be more forthcoming with information and letting you in so to speak.

tara73

pookie82 wrote: »

I agree with this. Wouldn't it be worse if he was on the phone night and day giving out about her and wearing you down with the nitty gritty of their arguments?

There's no need in doing this for him.

Think people's midnset here is very black and white about it. He definately doesn't need to tell the details and involve her in everything, but the OP wrote he doesn't speak about it at all, in fact he was grumpy and cranky and she didn't know why because he kept it all to himself.
that's no adult or respectful behaviour to a new partner. he can fill her in in the overall picture so she know's what's going on with him instead he's taking it out on her. completely inacceptable.

probably he's not ready for a new relationship. would try and discuss it with him but he doesn't seem in a very mature state. but then you have your answer.

LegacyUser

Op here,
Just to explain that I DONT want or expect to know the ins and outs of their arguements. I also have children and know what it's like to deal with an ex. I do understand that it can be painful and embarrassing to tell someone else.

What bothers me is that he says nothing at all but expects me to put up with the fallout. In the last few weeks I've asked him numerous times what the problem is and been told there isn't one....I started to think the problem was me.

Is it a lot to ask him to be straight with me and say "I'm in a bad mood because x and I had a few words"? At least I could brush aside any little niggles.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you told him that? For whatever reason he believes he is doing the right thing by not telling you. I'm sure if you explain it to him he will see your point of view.

Tasden

ophereagain wrote: »

Op here,
Just to explain that I DONT want or expect to know the ins and outs of their arguements. I also have children and know what it's like to deal with an ex. I do understand that it can be painful and embarrassing to tell someone else.

What bothers me is that he says nothing at all but expects me to put up with the fallout. In the last few weeks I've asked him numerous times what the problem is and been told there isn't one....I started to think the problem was me.

Is it a lot to ask him to be straight with me and say "I'm in a bad mood because x and I had a few words"? At least I could brush aside any little niggles.

If he said that to you would you ask more questions though? Like what the words were about etc.
You said he doesn't want to go down the legal route, did you suggest this to him? Maybe he doesn't want to get into any of it because he doesn't want to elaborate but he feels that you'll ask follow up questions.

If the issue is having to deal with the fallout of their arguments that's almost a separate issue to his relationship with her/keeping you informed of such. That's an issue of his behaviour and how he treats you when hes stressed, not really anything to do with the relationship he has with the mother or with him not discussing stuff with you. If he was able to deal with the stress and treat you right regardless of what goes on with her then you wouldn't feel the need to know what goes on between them.

LegacyUser

In relation to asking more questions about it, no I wouldn't ask if he said he doesn't want to talk about it further. he would know that as that's my personality.
The legal route is something he used to talk about and then it just stopped for various reasons.

You are probably right that there's 2 issues, however I think we can all snap at people when we are under pressure.

I just find it really strange that a man who tells me everything feels a need to hide this relationship from me and everyone else.
It wasnt always like this, he used to be quite open but as their relationship seems to have deteriorated he's closed up.

Yes, I've tried telling him how I feel but the shutters slam down immediately. He said he doesnt tell me because he doesn't want to stress me out as well, and to not think it's about me cos he'll tell me when it is!

Tasden

I wouldn't think he's hiding it from you, more that things aren't going smoothly and they are discussing/arguing about arrangements and so he'd rather just not talk about it while its ongoing, he'd just like to wait til its sorted and then tell you the finalised arrangements if that makes sense. I dunno your situation with your ex, but I know myself it can be so tedious when arguing about access and maintenance or anything disagreement to do with your child really, so he may just not want to have to discuss it with others while it's still such a source of stress for him. When things are less uncertain and strained he might open up again.

strobe

ophereagain wrote: »

In relation to asking more questions about it, no I wouldn't ask if he said he doesn't want to talk about it further. he would know that as that's my personality.
The legal route is something he used to talk about and then it just stopped for various reasons.

You are probably right that there's 2 issues, however I think we can all snap at people when we are under pressure.

I just find it really strange that a man who tells me everything feels a need to hide this relationship from me and everyone else.
It wasnt always like this, he used to be quite open but as their relationship seems to have deteriorated he's closed up.

Yes, I've tried telling him how I feel but the shutters slam down immediately. He said he doesnt tell me because he doesn't want to stress me out as well, and to not think it's about me cos he'll tell me when it is!

He sounds like he possibly might be a bit like myself tbh. I'd tend not to want to talk things through with people, it's not my way, I've tried it, given it a fair innings as people keep saying it's important and all that, doesn't work. I've other ways of dealing with these things and they work for me. There's that saying "a problem shared, is a problem halved". For me it's a problem doubled. There now isn't just the problem, there's the person I told possibly worrying about the problem, and possibly bringing it up (with the best of intentions) when I don't want it brought up. So I just don't want to bring things like that up the vast majority of the time as it doesn't help, usually the opposite. I think about it in my own time, decide on a course of action, and then I don't want to think about it outside of that time. Particularly not when I'm with my girlfriend as it's generally the most enjoyable time of the day/week/whatever for me.

I'm just speculating he's the same way obviously. But maybe put that out there with him (as in open the conversation with that so maybe the shutters won't come down) to see if there's anything to it. If so once he knows you understand, he may be more willing to listen to your side of things i.e. that you are naturally going to worry that it's something to do with you or your relationship if he seems cranky or whatever when with you, and honestly need him to be more pro-active in letting you know that's not the case if it isn't rather than leaving you to try and figure that out on your own.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. I see what you mean about some people don't want to talk about problems, but he talks about everything with the exception of her. Work, home, family problems are all discussed.
Also if he is with her or her family he ignores me completely, to the point of dismissing calls from me again something he never does any other time. If it's just him and the child he's completely normal.

I guess we have a bigger problem of communication and why I don't feel comfortable talking to him about problems.