Fed Up going through the motions

LegacyUser

So I'll try not to bore everyone and be as concise as poss.

I've had a horrible couple of years. Emigrated and then had to come back, well didn't have to, but had some wild idea I was going to restore my social life and get a girlfriend and settle down to a normal existence (I'm in my mid thirties), but since coming back 6 months ago, it's been a nightmare. Friends don't seem to be making much effort to meet me and I've struggled to do anything with my spare time but sit in my room or go for long walks. I haven't been on a night out for a long time and haven't been on a date for, well, over a year now. I'll be honest I have been experiencing depression, social anxiety, and manic states since I was about 16, I have had long periods of not thinking about suicide which has been good. I've just been trying to have a life the past 6 years but I suppose I'm beginning to realise that I've entered a stage of 'social isolation' now. I am enjoying relaxants and beers on my own, in fact I like to sit in my car smoking and drinking and listening to old tunes (parked with the keys not in the ignition ok before anyone starts ranting). I want to say I've worked hard on addressing these issues but it's hard when you're on your own so much, your head goes into a spin. I am doing a lot better though.
I've been obsessing about an old girlfriend for years now and I was thinking of sending her a valentines card, we were together a few years and broke up because of me being an idiot, probably because of the above. I might be being a bit ridiculous..
I only fancy a few girls but mainly her. Theres a girl at work where I volunteer but it would be very unprofessional to even enquire as to if she has a boyfriend and I've only ever had one conversation with her work related lol OMG as I type this I realise I am appearing to be a complete scary loser! I've actually been offered a job abroad and am seriously considering it, things just haven't come together here for me, it's like everything has moved on and in my mind it had all stood still.. This post is a mess, a bit like my thoughts I think...

zoobizoo

When my friends started getting married and having kids I went out and made new ones. It took me a year or so to realise that they didn't have the same amount of times on their hands and socialising with them became far more organised rather than texts a day before the weekend.

Don't send the ex a card. Sounds like you're missing the idea of her (or someone) as you are on your own so much.

Would be an idea to see a professional regarding your depression and social anxiety.

Are you based in Dublin?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the reply Zoobizoo.

Some mates are single but really into sports and things which take up a lot of their time. Still I'd like to have a catch up with them every once in a while but they seem to be not making much effort to do that like texting back or answering my calls... Maybe you're right in that I need to start making new links.
The ex thing has been going on a long time. Broke up years and years ago but we'd been together 4 years. Truth is I broke up with her because I was a child and my ego wanted more and more back then which eventually backfired. Funny you replied just now as I literally have the card opened in front of me here about to write it. Was actually going to leave it with a subtle hint that it's me but not sign it...
Absolute truth is that I'm terrified to chat up a girl as I feel so old and unattractive I'm expecting the girl to just say F-Off or no thanks you perv or something ! Maybe I'm just a coward in the face of a good looking woman. I always say the wrong thing lol I'm bloody Hugh Grant sometimes. I never get the chance to go out though so I'd have to start approaching women in libraries or something equally uncomfortable. Oh jeez look what this post is turning into now.

Rubberchikken

You could ask the girl at work out. If she has a boyfriend then no harm done. Would you consider getting some exercise/gym time? It's great for the head and most people feel better after it.

Don't wait for old friends to contact you, they might think you're too busy. Get in touch with one or two of them, go for a drink, see how things go.

Even if you go abroad again, you can have a social life there too, it just takes some effort.

Good luck

zoobizoo

Look mate... I met someone recently and I'm in my 40s.

Friends can be really lazy. I've been through that. They won't be up for pints every week but good to try to get them out once every so often for a few beers and a catch up. They do have other pressures and we all can be lazy.

Have you any interests or hobbies? I found that by joining a club of something I was interested in, I widened my circle of friends and continue to make new ones. Now, they mightn't be the same as old school friends but they can be far more in tune with me the way I am now. Worth trying.

The good thing is, is that you are figuring this out now and looking for a solution.

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for your posts Zoobizoo, and Rubberchicken.

Well I posted the ex a card. To be honest I am very happy after doing it. Feels like I have passed the onus on to her to say yes or no to us. I'll never regret not trying now. She is a very special person and I think the world of her.
Still it allows me to get on with things, I'm going to throw caution to the wind now and start talking to people, after all I really have absolutely nothing to lose - my dignity went out the window a long time ago lol.
I texted two friends today that I havent been in contact for a long time. They didn't text back but maybe something will happen tomorrow.
Thats a really good point about meeting people now being more in tune with the current you. I often find old habits and views take centre stage when with old friends, after all thats what brought you together in the first place.
Mood seems to have changed, I laughed quite a bit today just saying F it to lots of things.

LegacyUser

Seem to be very down in the dumps again today. Spent yesterday excited and gigggling a lot sometimes to the annoyance of the person I was with.
Was going to go out tonight but my mate decided he was too tired last minute. Had another mate in town but he was flootered. So I am sitting in now on Valentines feeling like a loser in my room, and my housemate is watching TV on her own like a single loser too I suppose.
Ah whats the point of this anymore. I'll never change. Thanks anyway

Buona Fortuna

Ask the one at work out for a "non date" date.

"Fancy grabbing a coffee after ....."
"I'd be interested in your views on ...."

If she knocks you back, what harm?

Good Luck

miamee

Why would you sit in your room instead of asking your housemate could you join her or if she wanted to go for a friendly drink? Maybe you don't get along with her but you had an opportunity to do something with the night right under your nose but chose to sit in your room alone instead. My point is, you need to open your eyes and your mind to new opportunities and chances to socialise

LegacyUser

Buona Fortuna I never thought about that being a way to ask someone for a coffee but isn't it soo obvious what you're after? Is that just the little game that has to be played? I was never any good at these things...

Miamee you're right I am not aware of chances to socialise, I struggle with that a lot. I guess I just have this belief of why would anyone want to talk to me, they are busy with their own things.. the housemate is nice but I think she has been very clear with boundaries since day 1 in that she hurriedly interacts with me, I don't feel she is particularly interested in being friends with me, let alone have me act weird on Valentines day with her. I should try to begin thinking about what socialising is and where I might be able to do it.

My card to the ex may have failed miserably because my phone hasn't been receiving texts due to a call barring feature unwittingly put on, I know all incoming texts were lost because I tested it myself with a different phone and its bunched. Its fixed now but that leaves me wondering if I have missed an incoming text from the ex. I guess I'll wonder about that now for the rest of time... frustrating. Dreamt about her the past few nights even though they've been dreams where she is with someone else but the connection between us is strong, and I've woken up feeling inlove with her again... Ok nothing I can do about that situation will just have to leave it and try to work on the socialising. Any tips?

Buona Fortuna

confucious45678 wrote: »

Buona Fortuna I never thought about that being a way to ask someone for a coffee but isn't it soo obvious what you're after? Is that just the little game that has to be played? I was never any good at these things...

Maybe its obvious - I'm not so sure. Isn't it more obvious that you'd like a coffee and that you'd prefer to enjoy with pleasant company, and isn't that kind of flattering to her?

If she knocks you back, big deal she didn't want a coffee. You haven't lost face and she doesn't have to spend the next few years avoiding you.

Rubberchikken

ask this person out for coffee. if that's as far as things go then you have at least done that. sometimes going slowly and builing up a relationship with others just over coffee etc is better than the stress and pressure that 'dating' can be.

go easy on yourself. not being with someone on valentines night didn't make you a loser. i'll bet there were plenty of people out on valentines night who had to be out because the other half expects it of them. now that's pressure;)