Thoughts on my short story

lumosteph

Hi all. The Junior Cert was probably the last time I've wrote a short story so I just wanted to get some feedback on what I have written so far and whether you think I should continue it.




We had been waiting for this day. Trying to go on about as normal, trying to forgot that the Germans had successfully invaded Poland and were getting closer to our home town. And now, here they were. The radio had said that the Germans were frazzled. Truth and justice were closing in on them and they felt trapped. They didn't want us, the Jews, the witnesses of the horrific atrocities they had perpetuated, to be around to tell the story. So they were planning to get rid of us, by rounding us up and sending us off to places full of unimaginable horrors.

Everything was a blur as the Germans invaded our home and came in with their dark green uniforms loaded with silver badges as if killing people was something of an achievement. The Germans crammed us into what only could be describe as a stifling, suffocating trailer. As I glanced around I saw my neighbours, good, innocent people who I had known all my life. What had we done to deserve this? No one spoke as the Germans drove on. We were all caught up in what our fates would be when the vehicle finally stopped. In what only felt like ten minutes, the truck came to a halt, my heart began to beat in my chest and I clasped my father's hand for safety. The door of the trailer began to open and a voice shouted "Out, get out right now. You're going to have lots of fun where you're going, A new life for all of you."

As we all clambered out, I looked blindly around. Men, women and children bearing the star of David and looking just as frightened as I was, were boarding cattle trains a few feet away. I recognised these carts from the ones that were printed in our local paper a few weeks back. "The rolling death wagons." the newspaper had described them, and now, we were about to get on one.
Before we could move any further, a shot went up and chaos arose. Shouts filled the air as everyone tried to make it to the refuge of the carts. Several more shots were fired and this time it wasn't aimed up in the air, it was at us. It was then my father was killed. His hand that had been holding me so tightly suddenly went limp as he fell to the ground right before me, grasping his chest. My dear and wonderful father. I saw the blood seep from his chest and onto the dusty road and suddenly he was lost in my view as an impending group of people rushed infront of me.
Numb and feeling like the world had suddenly stopped around me, I had no choice but to scramble onto the cart and into my mother's sobbing arms. There was a muffled sound of closing latches and the train started moving slowly.

After awhile, I glanced through my tears to see the cart was almost full, around 40 people were packed on with me being the youngest out of us all. Two buckets sat in the corner of the cart, one filled with water and an empty one that would be passed around when we felt the need to relieve ourselves. Still trying to grasp the fact my father was dead, I wondered to myself, why the buckets? One water bucket, one toilet bucket for 40 despairing men and women plastered against each other and riding to death. Jammed together, how could we use them? I look at these two buckets as some curious souvenirs. Of what? I answered to myself; of the fact that humanity is hard to stamp out completely. The Germans had bullied us and manipulated us, even killed us and yet they had still bothered to give us something for our journey. I was suddenly pulled away from this thought as I heard shouts coming from across the cart.
Curious, I strained my eyes to see two men trying to tear down the barbed wire that engulfed the minuscule hole in the top of the cart. Surely they weren't planning on escaping through there? They weren't small enough to even fit one leg through. But then I realised, I could fit. The smallest of the two men, seemed to notice this fact too as he pointed straight at me and shouted "Hey come on little girl, You can fit through here, You can do it, you can save us!"
My mother had woken and I turned to look at her. Tears strained her cheeks and she stroked by brown hair and whispered faintly "Go on, I know you can stay alive. Your father and I love you so much. Go." It was then that I was faced into making the hardest decision of my life. Why should I go and leave my widowed mother here to face the looming horror all alone? I didn't know what was out there and if I could even survive. But on the other hand, if I made it to refuge, I could tell others what the Germans were doing and they could send help.
An old man made the decision for me. Through the dimness, I could make out his wrinkled face and silvery moustache as he spoke. "Go on, jump out that window and run into the forest. Run as fast as you can go, I know you can make it."

RAJC

Not bad. Your punctuation is a bit off but that is easily fixed.

The main thing is the tempo. You're rushing things too much. You're not giving the emotion enough time to make an impact. For instance, the child's father is killed but your not properly portraying the fear, shock and sadness that this poor child would be feeling.

Keep going though. Writing is a tough task but it does get easier and you will improve. Believe me.

bigtomm

Yes, it seemed to come up for oxygen every now and then to keep my attention...
Im sure flashbacks will fit in quite nicely and abruptly to lengthen this story too if you like...
keep going:)

lumosteph

RAJC wrote: »

Not bad. Your punctuation is a bit off but that is easily fixed.

The main thing is the tempo. You're rushing things too much. You're not giving the emotion enough time to make an impact. For instance, the child's father is killed but your not properly portraying the fear, shock and sadness that this poor child would be feeling.

Keep going though. Writing is a tough task but it does get easier and you will improve. Believe me.

Thank you! Yeah I do feel everything is happening to fast.

lumosteph

bigtomm wrote: »

Yes, it seemed to come up for oxygen every now and then to keep my attention...
Im sure flashbacks will fit in quite nicely and abruptly to lengthen this story too if you like...
keep going:)

Thank you very much! I think I might add some thing more about the neighbours in the trailer with her.. maybe a story about one of them that the child remembers.. Thank you again!