Partner of a recovering sex addict

jade15

Hi All,

I am at a bit of loss of where to find information or other women who are dealing with something similar.

My partner is a recovering sex addict. I met him after he had realised that he had an issue and had been philandering about town and destroying relationships because of this physical urge that he had. He is the most wonderful partner-caring, affectionate, loving, he looks after me, is always willing to make sure I am ok and also takes none of my bull**** :-P

However, the issue is sex. Or lack thereof. Because of what he has been through he sees the urge to be something to be gotten rid of as soon as possible and will do that through masturbation, if he has the urge at all. He fears that by opening himself up completely to sex again that it will lead him down this dark destructive path again. He does try to please me, he will touch me and fondle me and we have sex occasionally and it's fantastic when we do. But mostly when we do, he won't orgasm. And then I fell like he is just going through the motions to please me on the rare occasions we do have sex. Now, i know logically he loves me and wants me but this has made me feel very insecure and rejected even though I know the reasoning and feelings behind this. I am a bit on the 'plus size' end of the spectrum and I am insecure that it is me even though he ensures me it is not. But I still feel like it is affecting me and I want to be able to help him deal with this also and to not have sex be an ordeal or something that has to be orchestrated.
I also feel a lot of guilt feeling this way because we have a wonderful life together apart from this and I think that I should not be entitled to these feelings considering everything else is wonderful. I don't want to make something he is going through about me but I need help as I can't be there for him if I don't have the tools or if I am feeling like this.

Mr. Incognito

You need to seek professional help for him asap

Buona Fortuna

I agree with Mr Incog

These guys may be able to help

http://www.slaaireland.org/

Littlekittylou

You cannot be in a sexual relationship with this man. He needs to sort himself out. Kill the sex part of this relationship ASAP. Get him help. You can't have a relationship with this person of any kind. He can't sort himself out in a relationship.

Stop kidding yourself it's wonderful. It's not.

JuliusCaesar

A sex therapist might be useful - this is the professional organisation of sex therapists.

SpaceRocket

Have been in your shoes, op.
My best advice? Get as far away as you can.
I previously fell in love with a sex addict, and he damn near destroyed me.
If you don't wish to break up with him, then this would be my advice :

Firstly, as other posters have said, he needs to seek the help of a therapist who specialises in sex addiction, and addictions in general. Sex addiction is an addiction like any other, it's cyclical, there'll be attempts to quit, failures, and attempts to quit again, over and over. You have to be willing to accept this, and all the pain for you that goes along with it if you wish to stay with him while he heals.

Secondly, you need to realise that sex to an addict is not what sex is to you or me. It is very possible that sex is only exciting for your partner when he is engaging in it with strangers, in threesomes, in groups, in public places, etc etc.
If one-on-one sex within a committed relationship excited your partner then he wouldn't have ruined his previous relationships trying to get some. It is the form of sex that he seeks that would be very helpful for you to find out. Try to realise that it is not that he is not attracted to you, it is that the form of sex that excites him does not involve commitment, or sleeping with the same person over and over.

Lastly, please think of yourself here, and what is good for you, and what you deserve from a relationship. A recovering sex addict can not promise the usual stuff to you, such as loyalty and monogamy. If you value these things dearly, then leave while he attempts to heal himself. You could have a chance at making a relationship with him work after he has healed himself, but until then there are no promises. There will be slip ups, and you will get hurt. My ex's sex therapist was quite honest about that, and looking back now years later I can see just how true that was, even though it was the last thing I wanted to hear at the time.

All the best op, and really sorry to hear you are in this situation.

jade15

Dear Spacerocket,

Thank you very much for your response, it was most insightful and while it is terrible to hear what you went through it is nice to know that my feelings are not entirely unjustified.

As my OH had realised before we met what was causing the destruction to his life and his relationships, he has undertaken counselling (currently not attending as he works 60 hour weeks). He realises where the problem is and as i mentioned in my post is dealing with it as best as he can. I think he is getting better about it and the guilt that he feels from what he has done in previous relationships is gradually lifting, we just seem to be dealing with this issue of sex. On my lowest days (which we all have) it does get to me but generally I know we can get through it as we do have a very strong relationship otherwise. In spite of what another poster has said, everything else is wonderful. I think for me, the main thing I want, is to be able to understand his side more and also to have the tools to support him as well as to ensure that my own needs and what is best for me are not sidelined by this. I have found it hard to find information in relation to recovering sex addicts and a relationship they have while in recovery. This is the information I need more so as I was not part of his life while he was philandering about or generally leading a destructive life. I know relapse is a possibility as it is with all addictions but I would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt and not judge him on his past discretions especially as none of them were done to me.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post :-D

beks101

Great advice from Spacerocket there and I'd advise you to read it a few times OP.

A friend of mine dated a recovering sex addict. Here's what the relationship looked like: no sex and a self-imposed "ban" on sexual activity as her partner attempted to recover in the only way he could. What it boiled down to is this guy didn't/couldn't construe sex as a loving act between two partners; it was something shameful and dirty and that always had to be hidden and kept secret to him. So despite his love for her, a sex life was virtually impossible because his love prevented him from seeing her in a sexual way (because sex is dirty, demeaning, etc)

In real terms, they had a "great relationship" excluding the complete lack of sex but her self esteem was on the floor, and despite having his addiction all figured out, she couldn't stop from taking it personally and question her own attractiveness, behaviours etc.

Also bearing in mind that relapse is a normal part in the life cycle of any addiction recovery and in this case it likely means infidelity possibly in ways that would absolutely destroy you.

You clearly love this man but also need to think about yourself here - even above his own recovery. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but in this case I would say therapy is an absolute, absolute must - regardless of his work hours etc - and without it I don't think the relationship has a hope tbh. You need to have that conversation with him as a matter of urgency.

I'd also advise you to visit a therapist who specialises in addiction at least a few times so you can come to understand what's going on with your OH and explore your own feelings surrounding the issue.

Best of luck to you

jimd2

jade15 wrote: »

Dear Spacerocket,

Thank you very much for your response, it was most insightful and while it is terrible to hear what you went through it is nice to know that my feelings are not entirely unjustified.

As my OH had realised before we met what was causing the destruction to his life and his relationships, he has undertaken counselling (currently not attending as he works 60 hour weeks). He realises where the problem is and as i mentioned in my post is dealing with it as best as he can. I think he is getting better about it and the guilt that he feels from what he has done in previous relationships is gradually lifting, we just seem to be dealing with this issue of sex. On my lowest days (which we all have) it does get to me but generally I know we can get through it as we do have a very strong relationship otherwise. In spite of what another poster has said, everything else is wonderful. I think for me, the main thing I want, is to be able to understand his side more and also to have the tools to support him as well as to ensure that my own needs and what is best for me are not sidelined by this. I have found it hard to find information in relation to recovering sex addicts and a relationship they have while in recovery. This is the information I need more so as I was not part of his life while he was philandering about or generally leading a destructive life. I know relapse is a possibility as it is with all addictions but I would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt and not judge him on his past discretions especially as none of them were done to me.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post :-D

piece in bold is not an excuse. This is not dissimilar from people being unwell and taking time off to attend the doctor etc. Your partner needs to treat it with that seriousness and take the requisite time off to attend.

If he is not prepared to do this then you should walk away.

Littlekittylou

It's an INTIMACY disorder. And most people who are like this can't deal with humans as humans. “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.”

To an extent he sees people as things. Particularly people he is attracted to. sex addiction also involves

“compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”

It can be cyber sex phone sex etc. But it generally needs to intensify.

we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.

Sexual activity is different.

Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder. It can be helped. But the issue is not sex alone. It's compulsive gratification combined with using uses sex as a shallow, fantasy based substitute for genuine intimacy. It is "the flight from intimacy."

Your BF is using or has used sex as a way to run away with intimacy. For him sex is about REJECTING a woman or a partner or life.

I can't imagine having sex with someone like that . I need to look into his eyes and 'feel' him. I need to talk to him sense him and feel him sense me. He needs to understand sex is part of a wider language that pervades the whole relationship. And fidelity and honesty are important probably to him to if he realized.

Sex addicts use sex to reject all of this. They are not bad people at all. And your partner could be a really wonderful person. But sex for him is not about a union of two souls it's about locking yourself in a tower.

When he meets people who break the tower. He runs from them. But he runs through sex. If that makes sense?

Also he can have an emotional attachment to his addiction.

The thing is the fantasy part. I mean one does not create a fantasy based on drugs. But only sex addiction creates an emotional attachment so strong it can become an alternate, illusionary relationship. They can be in a relationship with this sex compulsion. It's like another woman or person.

People ask 'Am I enough?' 'Am I not the right kind of person?' He is fleeing intimacy he was fleeing it before he met you. It is likely he flees it in friendships and in family. Or perhaps his friends and family would have no idea.

The flight from intimacy is not always based on what happened decades ago in childhood. It can be for some though.

Psychological medication cannot overcome the flight from intimacy because psychological medication cannot cause someone to seek intimacy or face reality.

But facing intimacy is probably the scariest thing for a sex addict. And let's face it, it's pretty scary for us all!

It can often be the flight from intimacy becomes the preferred sexual experience. They prefer to be sexual with people they are not intimate with.

He might actually prefer the addiction to loving intimate sex. And that rejection is going to hurt HARD. But it's also going to hurt him.


I would say it's rooted in fear of intimacy. And often huge fantasies are constructed to avoid intimacy.

They are afraid of hugs with emotion. Which is pretty tough on them I bet. But still.

Think of you. I don't think this is good for either of you and you are not happy. I would stop pretending. For him as much as you.