How do I help friend in abusive relationship

stonespots

Hi, just feeling kind of helpless and needing advice in regards to one of my close friends.

Cutting an extremely long story short, she broke up with her long term boyfriend about a year ago , except they still work together and see each other regularly as he went off the rails a bit when she ended it and she still "loves him", but is not "in love with him".

My friends and I had found out a few months previously that he had been emotionally and physically abusing her both during and after their relationship. She often will tell one of us something that has happened but will not tell another friend , or else she will tell us when she's had a few drinks and the next day will protect him, make excuses and insist she was antagonising him, or will flat out deny he went near her.

Recently they argued and she kicked him out of her house, which then resulted in him breaking in and beating her, just after she called the guards and two of our friends.

I'm genuinely scared for her life and as much as we don't want to pressure her or give her an ultimatum to get away from him that could result in her isolating herself, we need some advice on how to approach her and get her away from this psychopath.

Thanks

ComfortKid

Best not get involved if she defends him or you might lose her as a friend. She's an adult. Harsh but if she keeps going back after he beats her it's kinda her own problem

Big Bag of Chips

All you can do is talk to her. Maybe go from the angle that she broke up with him for a reason and being in such close contact with him is confusing her, and him. He shouldn't be in her house. They are now exes. She needs to distance herself from him, maybe look for another job etc. Maybe point out to her that he needs help for his anger and she can't be the one that helps him because there is too much history. But for his own sake he needs to take a step back from her or he will end up in serious trouble.

Hard as it may be, you can't bad mouth him too much to her. She has some sort of emotional bond to him. She is still claiming that she loves him. So if you go on the attack with him she will immediately get defensive, and may shut herself off from you. Try spin it that if she does care about him she should want to see him sorting himself out. And unfortunately he doesn't seem to be in a place right now where he sees that. Tell her what she is doing at the moment isn't working so something needs to change.

It's an awful situation to be on the peripheral of. You can see it happening, but know there's very little you can do to intervene. She is going to defend him, and defend being in so much contact with him. So you need to go from the angle of "for his own good".

Good luck.
What a scumbag.

leonidas83

stonespots wrote: »

Mod Note: No need to quote full post.

There's no excuse for him to start bating her, I'd call to Garda anonymously & leave them take it from there.

tara73

what's she doing now after he broke into her house and beat her up? is she not charging against him? He committed two crimes and the guards were involved so there's definite proof of it.
Is she just sweeping it under the carpet now? That would be a really bad sign and to be honest if she's not doing anything, are the guards not pressing charges themselves?
That guy should be locked up for a while.

Apart from that there's not much more you can do than talk to her. Or contact womens' aid, tell them the story, they are trained for these things and might be in a better position to turn her head around.

feel for you, it's a difficult one.

honey79

Just be there for her and listen don't push her for information and as hard as it will kill you to do it don't tell her he is a b......

When I was in a bad relationship I would test the water telling little bits if my friend started saying anything bad about him I pulled back and eventually stopped telling her things

You can give advise but do it gently she is fragile at the moment and it won't take much to upset her

Mongfinder General

honey79 wrote: »

Just be there for her and listen don't push her for information and as hard as it will kill you to do it don't tell her he is a b......

When I was in a bad relationship I would test the water telling little bits if my friend started saying anything bad about him I pulled back and eventually stopped telling her things

You can give advise but do it gently she is fragile at the moment and it won't take much to upset her

Sounds like a right vicious bastard. I once intervened between a couple fighting and ended up getting the **** beaten out of me by both of them.

honey79

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Sounds like a right vicious bastard. I once intervened between a couple fighting and ended up getting the **** beaten out of me by both of them.

I've heard things like that before but at least you tried good on you . Just sorry it ended badly for you

Mongfinder General

honey79 wrote: »

I've heard things like that before but at least you tried good on you . Just sorry it ended badly for you

I was 17. I came out of the pub I worked in and tried to stop it. They were two toe rags. I didn't know any better at that age. It's sad what alcohol does to some people.

Neyite

stonespots wrote: »

I'm genuinely scared for her life and as much as we don't want to pressure her or give her an ultimatum to get away from him that could result in her isolating herself, we need some advice on how to approach her and get her away from this psychopath.

Thanks

Providing non-judgemental support they way you are doing, and letting her know that no matter what, you will always help her in whatever way she needs is a great start.
Talk to someone in Womens Aid, you can take your cue from their tried and tested approach - read up on how domestic abuse happens, the coercion, control and fear involved. It takes victims on average, six attempts to leave before they leave for good - its like brainwashing, so they need support while they leave, and to not lose their lifeline in their friends when they go back to that partner.

Have a read of this.

It is really difficult to stand on the sidelines in a situation like this, when you clearly see him for what he is, and she doesn't. His aim is isolating his victim from her friends and family so he can have complete control - so no matter how she may test that friendship on you, try to remember its likely to be him trying to minimise outside influences on her. There is a book I recommend: Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft which explains domestic abuse extremely well.

irishgirl19

As someone who was previously in a bad relationship. All you can do is listen and be there for her when she decides for herself to leave him.
I had friends who told me if I go,back to him then they didn't want to know anymore. so guess what, when the violence reached its peak I told no one.
encourage her as best you can. I don't really know what other advice to give.
Staying with someone who beats you is like a bad addiction. I know I only left when I could see it for myself

irishgirl19

+1 on Neyites post about Lundy Bancroft's book