marriage problem

jpsr

Hi,

I'm having some problems in my marriage and just need to talk.

I have been with my wife 15 years and got married June 2013 .
She told me a week before Christmas that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore, she says she loves me but is not in love with me and says it's all my fault that I let it go that way.

I have had my own problems, I have suffered anxiety since 2007, that's the year we bought our house and the year work started to slow down.
Just after Christmas into 2009 I lost my job and my wife soon gave birth to our second child, she got a job soon after our son was born, we had our third child in 2011.
My wife still works and I mind the kids, she is very angry that she is missing the kids growing up because she is at work and blames me for not working, but I want to go back to work, there is little work out there especially for me as a blocklayer.

When she first told me the news I felt so sick and everything else you could think of, she wanted me gone and said there was no point, 7 weeks On and she doesn't want me gone and wants to work at it, but she still said her feelings haven't changed,
She said when we kiss or have sex she doesn't have the same feelings that she used to, so they don't happen much.

I just feel so lonely inside, I love her with all my heart and I can't bare to loose her, although after 7 weeks it sinks in and you except it a bit more.

She has been a bit depressed herself over the last few years, she has been to the doctor and has even cried to 2 separate doctors, they wanted her to go on tablets to relax her but she won't,
I even suggested marriage counselling, but she won't go.

I just don't know how or if she will ever get those feelings back for me, she won't take any help and the longer this goes on that I'm afraid that by not getting any affection from her then I'll start to fall out of love with her.

Just don't know what to do.

marizpan

Your wife is burnt out from work, children and guilt.
The only thing you can do is:

Give her space.
Gently suggest solo counselling for her.
Get a plan in place for your future career.
Consider retraining/education.
Try and make progress with some work or career plans.
Organise a date night or socials nights.

Your relationship has probably gotten into a rut with no hope.
If you bought in 2007 then there way have been financial stresses. She might feel stuck in a job she hates with no hope to progress or to take a career break.
Give her hope and time!

jpsr

marizpan wrote: »

<Snip>

Thanks for your reply,
yes I believe she is stressed from work and tired,
I am looking for work and will do my best to get a job, she needs a break.

Big Bag of Chips

Your family is in the same situation as thousands of families out there. I know a few different families close to me that the mother is working while the dad is at home. Your wife is telling you there are all these problems, but yet is refusing to try sort anything out. She has been offered help by 2 separate doctors and refused it. She won't go to counselling with you. She prefers to blame you for all the problems. OP, in a marriage, unless there is some form of abuse, one person is rarely solely to blame for the problems.

This is not just your fault. She has to share equal blame. What if you were in a low paid job, which meant she still had to work and you had to pay childcare fees for 3 children? She'd still be missing out on them and have a huge childcare bill every month.

I don't doubt that she is stressed and tired and upset and all the rest... But... If she wont accept help, then she has to accept her part in the marriage difficulties.

She said she wants you gone and then changed her mind. Probably because she realised she needs you for childcare. You need to talk to her. Let her know that you want to work to save the marriage. If she refuses, maybe you could ask her to move out for a while until you both decide what you want. You are the children's primary carer so you should be the one who stays in the home with them. Maybe the shock of what she risks losing could make her realise that she needs to work with you for the sake of your marriage and your family.

SurferRosa

Hi, sorry that you're going through this. I know myself depression is awful. I think I've had it for years unknowingly.
As you may know depression really distorts your thoughts and in my case I ocassionally told my husband I wasn't sure I felt the same about him. I was also passive aggressive at times (my husband by the way has more tolerance and patience than anyone I've met).
The point I'm slowly trying to get at is that no matter how well my husband treated me, it never ultimately changed my ways. It never occurred to me that I may be depressed, despite often feeling worthless a failure even suicidal etc. Anyway one day I totally lost the plot was convinced everyone hated me slammed my fist on the table and stormed out of the house. I was contemplating nasty stuff.
When I eventually calmed down and returned home, it finally dawned on me that my behaviour was not normal / acceptable. A quick online test showed I had depression. Suddenly it all made sense. I thought well now I know what's wrong I can fix it. No way am I going to the Dr. He will report me to social services and they will take my kids, and even if he doesn't he will never take me seriously if I bring my children in to him when sick. ( I did mention I was paranoid right?!) So I got self help books and ploughed through them for 6 months or so. Sometimes they helped if I was mildly anxious/ stressed but once I got to a certain point I couldn't motivate myself to try the cognitive begavioural therapy. So I went to a cbt councillor. I didn't particularly like his manner and couldn't afford the sessions so that didn't last. Finally, almost a year after my initial diagnosis I hit another real low. We were both working full time with 3 kids. My husband could cope with the stress, I could not. I was often in tears and like your wife feeling immense guilt for not being with the children enough. I realised I had to get help as I was having a negative effect on the household. It was very difficult for me but I went to my GP and was unsurprisingly diagnosed with anxiety/depression and told to "join the club" as my GP suffers himself! I was given medication. Like your wife I was terrified of the potential side effects, but after a few days I took the plunge and took the first pill, and several weeks later the real me started to emerge ( still a little temperamental) - a calmer, more efficient more content me. Sure I still snap at times, but I don't blame others, I don't blame me. I forgive my own mistakes.
I know you weren't asking for my life story,but perhaps you could copy and paste this somewhere to show your wife? Maybe she can identify with some of this.
The other main point was that I hadn't fallen out of love with my husband. The depression caused me to have all sorts of irrational thoughts, and made it very difficult to show/feel love for others. I love my husband more than ever and am very grateful for his support. I'm open to many close friends about my depression, (not even bothering to go unreg with this) which in turn has caused many to open up to me. I'm fairly young, well educated, with a house, loving husband and 3 kids, yet just over a year ago, behind closed doors was also crippled by this disease.
It can get better though, and your wife should not give up on the marriage until she is sure that it is the real her (and not the depression) talking when she speaks about a lack of love.
Best of luck op

leonidas83

jpsr wrote: »

Original Post >>> mod snip- please don't quote whole entries, it causes issues for our mobile users.
Thanks
Taltos.

Very sorry to hear of you're predicatement OP.

First of all I would suggest you look into going to college or retraining for another line of work

Secondly, I would sit down with her & have a very frank discussion about whether she feels you have a future together or not. If she doesn't feel ye have,I would contact a solicitor asap & move out if possible.

Thirdly, in relation to you're anxiety I would take up a sport or try & do some physical exercise a few times a week. You would be surprised at how much positive mental well being it could bring you

jpsr

Thanks everyone for your comments.
All I can do is try get her to go to marriage counselling and go back to the doctor to get medication.

She did agree Last week that she would try the medication, but the next day said no that she is ok outside the house that she only feels the way she is when she is at home.

If she tried the help and still felt the same about me after a few months, then at least I'd know the truth, but just letting things run with no help is just prolonging the pain.

leonidas83

jpsr wrote: »

<Snip Original Post.> No need to quote whole posts and force touch users to scroll through duplicate text.

I would be very concerned op that she says that she only feels like this when she is at home. I would begin taking measures to separate & work on my own life if I was you