How soon to date following separation?

Warrior1916

I met a lovely man and we have been dating since December......I checked him out further as on FB and it seemed he was married for over 10 years and only separated a month or two...I was very upset as his wife still had photos of him on her FB....I contacted her and she said it was over a few months...it seems he was 28 when he married and she was 20 and 10 years later then fell out of love.....am I mad dating him so soon after his break up?

I am in Dublin and he is based in Tip with his job

GAAman

Forgetting everything else, does he know you contacted his wife? If not are you going to tell him? If i were in his position and that was done behind my back you wouldn't have to worry about whether you were mad, you would be single again!

Warrior1916

He was fine that I did....My friend dated a guy before and found out he was married with 2 children..oh and now he has 3 including her one which she kept....I don't like liars or cheaters....sorry Ken / GAA Man...but I would prefer to be told....I have never cheated on anyone and I don't want someone to do that on me.....

Taltos

Better here OP.
For anyone who has followed this thread across please read the local charter before posting.

seventeen sheep

Completely bizarre that you would contact his wife. Why not just ask him how long they'd been separated and what the circumstances are? OK you mightn't know him very well yet - but surely you know and trust him more than a woman you've never met and stalked through Facebook!

Also it was very selfish of you - how exactly do you think his ex wife felt being contacted by her husband's new girlfriend like that?

Whatever about whether he's ready, it seems to me that you're too immature and distrustful for an adult relationship.

MouseTail

He was fine with you contacting his ex wife, who he broke up with a month ago, and was with for 10 years? If you, or he cannot see how wrong and insensitive that was, I think you are both well suited.

Taltos

Folk, please less of the judgement. The OP has come here seeking advice, please offer it in a constructive manner or at the very least civilly. The judgement or moral outrage forum is that-away >>>>

Matteroffact

I can't see any reason not to date this guy, he is single and so are you. Nothing will prevent him from falling for you if that is what he is inclined to do. Things will work out if they are meant to. I would be more concerned if he had children and how they would fit in to a new relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

You're only seeing him a short time. Are you enjoying spending time with him? Do you have fun? I doubt you are getting serious and thinking about settling down and having children in the next few months so why not just go with it for the moment.

It sounds like he and his wife parted on good terms. They married too young and realised that. They didn't just wake up one morning 2 months ago and decide it wasn't working anymore. This has probably been building for years with both of them realising what was happening and both of them trying to figure out the best way to go about separating.

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. I'm guessing their relationship turned platonic a long time ago, but it took a long time to admit that to themselves, each other and their family and friends.

For the time being just enjoy yourself. You don't need to put pressure on him or you to make this any more than it is at the moment.

By the way, I know he was ok with you contacting his wife, and I know she might have seemed ok with you contacting her but put yourself in her shoes, you separate from your husband of 10 years, someone you've been with since you were a teenager and for your whole adult life. And only a few weeks after separating his new gf contacts you. Even if you are 100% accepting of the marriage coming to an end, that is going to sting a little. Just continue on your own relationship now and leave his wife out if it... Don't keep looking up her Facebook page.

skallywag

A relationship will usually be dead long before a couple officially separate, so I would not dwell too much over the timeline itself.

You need to steer well clear of his ex though in future. Contacting his wife will very likely have raised a flag with this chap, even if he is making out that it is completely fine with him. Your new relationship has no chance of succeeding if you cannot completely put her out of the frame in your own mind.

Taltos wrote: »

The judgement or moral outrage forum is that-away >>>>

After spending the last hour searching, I still cannot find it, so I guess that you were kidding. Any chance that we can have such a forum setup? It would be very popular!

LegacyUser

Warrior1916 wrote: »

I was very upset as his wife still had photos of him on her FB….

They were married for ten years why wouldn't she still have photos of him?? Do you expect them to both to just scrub the last ten years away? Sounds like they didn't have an angry divorce but fell out of love and went their separate ways. I'm not saying either of them should be shoving pictures or anything else of their marriage in anyones face but you can't expect them to act like ten years of their lives didn't happen.

Warrior1916 wrote: »

I contacted her and she said it was over a few months.

Why didn't you ask him? I find it very odd that you went to her. Not a great sign for a relationship if you can't talk to the person your dating.

Big Bag of Chips

Warrior1916 wrote: »

He was fine that I did..... I don't like liars or cheaters.... I would prefer to be told....I have never cheated on anyone and I don't want someone to do that on me.....

He didn't cheat on you. He didn't cheat on his wife. It doesn't seem like he lied to you. Is your issue that you think it's too soon after he split up with his wife to be dating again? Or is your issue that your friend was with a married man?

From what I understand you contacted his wife without letting him know first. So, so far the only person who has been deceptive in the relationship is you. I understand you are cautious, but you need to relax. If you go into every relationship thinking that the person may be a cheat or a liar you will always find something you're not happy with. Go with the flow. Enjoy it for what it is. You going behind his back and checking his history rather than talking to him is what is likely to cause problems in a relationship, not whether or it is too soon after a split for him.

Warrior1916

Thank you for all the advice.....I have taken it on board....to be honest it was love at first sight.....I am going to just enjoy being with him and see how we get on....

Nymeria

Op, I'm a bit confused...two days ago you posted that you having trouble finding a suitable date, and were complaining about getting messaged by younger guys... but now you are in a 2 - 3 month relationship that was love at first sight.

which is it?

Warrior1916

Yes its true when I go out with the girls I get chatted up by younger men...

I am happy to just see how we both get on...yes I like him a lot and he has told me that he should have told me he was separated and not single when we met.....

The good thing is he is actually a lovely guy and is a gentleman ....so I am going with is...

Enough said....

Time out

Dont think a month or two is too short a timeframe - not big deal in my view so work away and best of luck with it especailly if he is a good guy.

lollsangel

I was separated for 3 weeks when I met my current partner. I knew that the marriage was dead for a good 6 months or more before I left. I tried to make it work but by the time I left I had dealt with all the emotional detachment etc.

A month isn't too soon to be dating again.

Me and himself have been together 7 years and have 2 kids together.

You shouldn't have contacted the ex though. It would have been a breakup issue with me when I first started dating. I wouldn't want my ex knowing my business, and it's insensitive to the ex

Mr. Incognito

You sound incredibly immature.

How selfish are you to contact someones ex wife. How tactless.

And then to harp on about younger guys hitting on you.

I think you need to work on yourself. You are obviously a little immature and this guy must be all kinds of vulunerable right now.

I cannot believe someone would think that was an okay thing to do.

Stalk someones facebook page all you want. But contacting his wife.

Utterly disguisting behaviour.

Emme

I don't think it's on to stalk contact somebody else's former partner, particularly via unsolicited means. If she were bad enough, the ex could accuse you of harassment. People have been accused of harassment for less.

giggle84

Wow I think people are being a bit harsh here!! Ok contacting his ex may not have been entirely appropriate but it sounds to me like you did it because you felt like he was hiding something, which he was if he hadn't told you he'd been married! Personally I think it's a bit strange he didn't tell you, being married is a pretty big thing not to tell someone you're starting a new relationship with! So maybe the two things cancel each other out.. he should have told you, you shouldn't have contacted his ex.

Moving on from that.. she has confirmed that the marriage is over and you can be sure it was over long before they actually separated, but you should talk to him about that. Photos are only photos, don't read into that.

As long as he has moved on and is ready to start a new relationship with you and isn't bringing a load of emotional baggage with him then I think go for it, but talk to him about it and make sure you're comfortable with the situation.

My boyfriend wasn't long separated before we got together but the marriage was over a long time at that stage and the split was amicable, but he's been completely honest with me about it from day one, if he hadn't told me he was married and I found out on Facebook I would not have been happy about it!!

skallywag

giggle84 wrote: »

Wow I think people are being a bit harsh here!!

I can see why the OP contacted his ex-wife, but it seems to me that she put absolutely no thought into this beforehand. It could quite easily have ended up being a deeply upsetting incident for the woman in question. If someone I was only getting to know went behind my back to contact an ex of mine I would certainly end it there and then, far too much potential for fruitcake behaviour further down the road.

giggle84

skallywag wrote: »

I can see why the OP contacted his ex-wife, but it seems to me that she put absolutely no thought into this beforehand.

She probably didn't think about it, because she was so shocked at finding out he was married on Facebook! For all she knew he was still married rather than separated!

skallywag wrote: »

It could quite easily have ended up being a deeply upsetting incident for the woman in question.

Fair point, I'm sure the OP didn't think of this and it could have ended in disaster.

Dial Hard

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think two months is far too soon for anyone to be dating after a marriage break-up. Having gone through it myself, I can safely say that your heart is on its arse for a good while afterwards, regardless of the circumstances of the break-up.

jimd2

Warrior1916 wrote: »

I met a lovely man and we have been dating since December......I checked him out further as on FB and it seemed he was married for over 10 years and only separated a month or two...I was very upset as his wife still had photos of him on her FB....I contacted her and she said it was over a few months...it seems he was 28 when he married and she was 20 and 10 years later then fell out of love.....am I mad dating him so soon after his break up?

I am in Dublin and he is based in Tip with his job

Dating since December is not a particularly long time but in my opinion it is definitely enough time for him to clarify his situation. So something strange there.

next, you contacting the ex wife without asking him first. Also very strange. It would have been acceptable had he explained his situation and said to you that she could verify it but it was very early in the relationship to do this.

So, in my opinion, both of you have acted a little strangely. At the same time, nobody is perfect and neither action / inaction is a dealbreaker.

banoffe2

I agree with Dial Hard, anyone who is separated for only two months IMO is not emotionally available for a relationship, I have been through separation and it takes a while to get your head together as breaking up a marriage is never easy. I know some of my separated friends went into relationships too soon purely to escape the reality of where they were at and fear of being alone.

Warrior1916

Thank you for all the messages....I know what I did may seem nuts and yes it was rash behaviour....I had to protect myself...it seems everyone else thinks the ex wife to be is the victim (she is on POF heading on dates as she told me) ...

My friend <Snip> met a lovely guy online who she thought was separated 2 years she told him 10 months later she was pregnant and he told her he was still married with 2 other kids and wanted her to get an abortion.... hence my behaviour....it has stuck in my head what happened to her and I wanted to protect myself which may seem selfish and insensitive to the 'other woman' but I had to look after me

MouseTail

I only hope there aren't children involved.

CaliforniaDream

It doesn't matter what she is doing in her personal life. You were wrong to contact her no matter what happened to your friends.
I'm recently separated and would hate for a new girlfriend to contact me. But at this point it would cause my ex to be more protective over me and have less time for his new girlfriend. My ex had a new girlfriend and she told him he wasn't allowed to see or talk to me.
He broke up with her a couple of days later.
Everyone is different so you can't say if it's too soon for one person or not. But it's not a great start to your relationship and I wouldn't expect it to last.

DUB0207-old

Warrior1916 wrote: »

My friend Emma met a lovely guy online who she thought was separated 2 years she told him 10 months later she was pregnant and he told her he was still married with 2 other kids and wanted her to get an abortion....

Out of curiosity: what happened to your friend and the married man?

Big Bag of Chips

DUB0207, welcome to Personal Issues. Please take time now to read our Forum Charter. Asking for updates is not allowed. Nor is off topic posting. Asking the OP the outcome for her friend breaches our Forum Charter on two counts!

OP, I've snipped your friend's name from your post, it is unnecessary and unfair to post identifiable details about others.

seventeen sheep

Warrior1916 wrote: »

Thank you for all the messages....I know what I did may seem nuts and yes it was rash behaviour....I had to protect myself...it seems everyone else thinks the ex wife to be is the victim (she is on POF heading on dates as she told me) ...

My friend <Snip> met a lovely guy online who she thought was separated 2 years she told him 10 months later she was pregnant and he told her he was still married with 2 other kids and wanted her to get an abortion.... hence my behaviour....it has stuck in my head what happened to her and I wanted to protect myself which may seem selfish and insensitive to the 'other woman' but I had to look after me

See I would have just added him as a friend on Facebook (come on, you've been dating two months), and asked him, hey what's this about your Facebook status saying you're married. (Actually I'm quite surprised your relationship history had never come up even in casual conversation, over the course of two months.)

If he told me that yes, he had been married and was now separated, I'd take his word at face value if he'd never given me any previous reason to doubt him. I would not require separate confirmation of his story from his ex. My relationship would be with him, not with his ex, and it's his word that I would need to be able to trust. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship. And yes you do need to take the occasional leap of faith, you do need to expose your vulnerabilities sometimes ... but you can "look after yourself" without involving third parties in your relationship.