Stretched too thin

LegacyUser · 04-02-2015 10:14am #1

I could very well get a lot of criticism for this, as I'm aware it's a bit "first world problem-y" and I’ve seen so many people post here who are lonely or tired of being single and I feel guilty that I have none of those problems. Quite the opposite, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by so many friends that I adore, a family I love and a wonderful OH to top it all off. I’m out of ideas on how to fix this, but if I need to be told to get over myself then that’s what I need to hear.

I feel stretched in too many directions and I don’t even know why. After a December that was insanely busy, I made a New Year’s resolution to make more time for myself, and so far I’ve failed miserably at that. I’ve no kids either which makes me feel even worse for complaining. I feel like I should have all the free time in the world.

I work a 9-5 job that involves a lot of travel. I love what I do. I make a point of never bringing work home unless I absolutely have to (which is nearly never unless you count preparing for travel). But despite not excessive working hours, I’ve just looked through my diary there and it’s been three weeks since I’ve had one night to myself, prior to that night off, It was a week, prior to that I can’t remember. Evenings are taken up with hobbies (1 night a week), OH (usually one night a week), and the rest is seeing my parents, meeting friends or helping people out with one thing or another. I’m rarely home before 10. I woke up this morning and realised I have no food in the fridge, barely any clean clothes, I can’t remember the last time I got any exercise. I was seriously considering calling in sick to work today just to have a long shower and get a proper food shop done, but I figured it’s not fair to have work suffer because I’m making poor personal decisions.

I’m honestly exhausted. I’m running on coffee and whatever I can grab from the shops on the go. I squash doctors appointments and anything I have to get done into lunch hour. There’s no toilet paper in the house. I’m sure my room mate is at the end of her tether with me, there have been dishes by the sink for the past 3 days that I said I’d clean and I haven’t done it yet. I also need to call the landlord to get a radiator and the timer on the immersion fixed and I haven’t done it because to be honest, I’d rather just bury my head in the sand than do one more thing…

It’s obvious something needs to go as it's taking up too much time/energy, I’ve known this for a while, but I honestly don’t know what… As far as I can see my options are:

Parents: I’m an only child and I only moved out 6 months ago. I see my parents at least once a week. If I go more than 3 days without contact my mother will be on the phone nearly in tears going through all of the days of the week in sequence until I say I can come up for dinner or lunch on a certain day. She rarely leaves the house so although I’d love to meet her in town some weekend for breakfast or lunch she won’t do that. It’s a hours round trip every time I go out to see them.

OH: We get one night alone at maximum per week as it is. It would kill me to tell him we need to see each other less, and I’d miss him a lot.

Hobbies: This is one night a week I could free up, but It’s one of the few times during the week I feel genuinely relaxed.

Friends: This is a tough one. I have two friends at the moment who are going through a really tough time so I don’t want to leave them high and dry when they call on me. There are other people I know who are really busy with college so on the rare time they are able to go out, or want to meet up, I feel like I can’t say no because if I do I’m guilted by the fact they “really want to see me” because they never get the chance to go out. If I’m out but want to leave a little early because I’ve had a hard week, I’m told I can’t or shouldn’t because I should share a taxi with so and so or they don’t want me to go. And it’s so nice so have people want me to stay, it really is. Sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming to think I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who want to hang out with me so often. but there are some evenings I could quite happily lie down on the floor of the pub and take a nap.

It doesn't help that I tend to do a lot of the running around after people because I’m one of the few with a car. I honestly don’t mind picking people up or dropping them home, but it feels like I’m turning into a chauffeur every time somebody wants to go for a coffee after work. I’m also called on a lot to help people out of a bind or to lend a hand with a project they’re working on. I love that people see me as reliable, I really do, but how I am right now isn’t sustainable and I don’t know how to say no without the incredible guilt that goes with it. I also don’t know who to say no to.

If only I could stop time…

I’m open to any suggestions/comments. Thanks

username000 · 04-02-2015 11:20am

The honest answer is that you are bringing it on yourself and you have to learn to say no to people and be a bit selfish with your time.

I dont mean this to sound mean, but its kind of childish that an adult wouldnt have any clean clothes left or any food in the fridge because they were too busy running around after their friends - its a bit teenagery you know? Part of being a responsible adult is to keep things like your weekly shop, laundry, food etc running smoothly because, well thats what adults do!

You have to learn to say no, and not to feel bad about it, you have your own things that you have to do so say "no - cant do that Ive a mountain of laundry etc..."

It can take a while for "being a grown up" to kick in but if you get some kind of routine going its easier. I remember when I first lived out of my parents home I kept being suddenly amazed at the big pile of laundry when I thought Id only done a wash a few days before but in reality it was 2 weeks before and i just hadnt paid attention since. So i started having set days for the laundry that way I kept on top of it. Still do. Same for chores, food shop etc... Its about being organised.

milli milli · 04-02-2015 11:41am

Op when you move out of home for the first time (unless you've helped out with shopping/laundry before) it can be a bit overwhelming.
You have work, hobbies, friends, partners plus the running of a house.
But everyone has to do this (and sometimes much more!). You just need to manage your time better and get a bit of a routine going.
You seem to be managing this somewhat by organising doctors appointments at lunchtime. Yes it's not ideal but life is so busy nowadays that sometimes things need to be slotted in here and there.

I would say that this stress is just you adjusting to this new responsibility as an independent adult. It can be tricky but you'll manage it.

Also I don't think you've mentioned weekends - you must have some free time then to catch up on things?

LegacyUser · 04-02-2015 12:16pm

Hi, OP here

Thanks for the really quick replies. Honestly, I feel pathetic enough as it is not being able to manage my own affairs when people struggle with so much more. I’m aware I need to get into some sort of routine, it just feels like every time I do, somebody else is at me to do something else. I just got a call two minutes ago from my mother who I was to see next Saturday morning to tell me I should stay for lunch at theirs as well because she’s invited my uncle over. I said I’d see what I can do but I didn’t commit to anything.

Something I should probably clarify is, I’m not shocked by the running of a household. I ran part of my parents household when I lived there, did the laundry for 3 people, kept the house in order, handled finances and did half the weekly shop. I know what it entails. It’s not the running of one household that has me run ragged, it’s the running of my own, plus my parents, plus work, plus a relationship, plus everybody else that wants a little bit of my time.

I know I need to start saying no, but who do I say no to? The boyfriend? The parents? The friend who is ill? The friend going through an almighty break up? The friend who is going through something similar herself and just wants a shoulder to cry on? The friend I haven’t seen in months because they’ve been the most patient with me and the least demanding so I’ve put them on the back burner?

Yes I do have weekends of course, but now that you mention it, that's probably why this has hit me so hard lately. I've been busy for two weekends in a row now and will be for another two (half work related, half once off events liked big birthdays to plan). I would usually have at least a day to get things in order, which would leave me feeling sorted and in the right head space for the week, but since I haven’t had that I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up.

Thanks again, makes me feel a little less stressed to get it all out on paper

MissFlitworth · 04-02-2015 2:57pm

You might just need to work on being a lot more firm about your limitations. Like, you will meet people but in a location that's handy for both of you & you'll leave when you say you're going to (I had to work on this as well, I can't stay out late on a work night because I just don't function the next day so 'No, I really can't' became important. Other people are just better night owls than me).

If you look at your friends & family you're probably going to find that they're 'selfish' with their time, they meet you where & when it suits them (your mam won't come into town, your college friends meet you when they aren't busy, you've got a car so you're doing the travelling) and you don't think badly of them for that. People won't think badly of you for saying 'love to meet you but I'm down to eating lino at this stage, can we do x time so I can make Tesco after' or 'no, have to go home, going to get sacked if I keep falling asleep in work', 'Love to meet you, can't do Friday (with no reason given because you're not doing Friday so you can sleep), can we do next week?'

Nichololas · 04-02-2015 2:59pm

notimenow wrote: »

Hobbies: This is one night a week I could free up, but It’s one of the few times during the week I feel genuinely relaxed.

Giving up hobbies to spend more time running around or just doing household chores won't make you feel better, and will probably make you feel worse. If anything, you should be trying to make more time for hobbies, especially if it's the only "time-out" you have during the week.

notimenow wrote: »

Friends: This is a tough one. I have two friends at the moment who are going through a really tough time so I don’t want to leave them high and dry when they call on me.

It's admirable that you want to be there for your friends during a tough time - and you should - but there's no point running yourself into the ground to do it, as then you won't be able to help anyone, so make time for yourself when you need it.

notimenow wrote: »

There are other people I know who are really busy with college so on the rare time they are able to go out, or want to meet up, I feel like I can’t say no because if I do I’m guilted by the fact they “really want to see me” because they never get the chance to go out. If I’m out but want to leave a little early because I’ve had a hard week, I’m told I can’t or shouldn’t because I should share a taxi with so and so or they don’t want me to go.

notimenow wrote: »

It doesn't help that I tend to do a lot of the running around after people because I’m one of the few with a car. I honestly don’t mind picking people up or dropping them home, but it feels like I’m turning into a chauffeur every time somebody wants to go for a coffee after work.

notimenow wrote: »

I’m also called on a lot to help people out of a bind or to lend a hand with a project they’re working on. I love that people see me as reliable, I really do, but how I am right now isn’t sustainable and I don’t know how to say no without the incredible guilt that goes with it. I also don’t know who to say no to.

Learn to say no! You're bringing all this on yourself, it's up to you to gauge how much time you can devote to friends and when you need a break - no-one else can 'feel' how much strain you're putting yourself under.

Dutchess · 04-02-2015 3:33pm

You might need to talk to your mother and get her to face that are a grown up who has flown the nest. It sounds like you have done very much right by her, including responsibility for the household, but I think you need to let her know that she needs to compromise with you and meet you in town.

With your mates, you are not a taxi service and as a busy professional, you don't always have to bend to their schedules for meeting up. Try to say no every once in a while and suggest a time that suits you instead. Reliability is a good trait to have but it does need to be tempered with assertiveness, because otherwise it might be very easy to get walked over.

It sounds like the time you spend on your hobby and OH are best for your wellbeing, so probably do not decrease them.

Rubberchikken · 04-02-2015 4:12pm

it's so easy to become the one who always says yes and helps everyone out, but eventually that can take over and then you find your time is sucked up doing for others. it's good to be helpful but it needs to be balanced by a polite but firm no on occasions.

make time for yourself. tbh if something serious happened everything else would have to stop. people would manage themselves, work will find someone else to do it etc.
look after yourself.

Semele · 04-02-2015 6:35pm

Maybe try planning social activities a bit further in advance, then you won't be caught on the hop and finding it hard to say no when your week suddenly starts filling up with emotional and practical demands on your time.

What I find useful is always trying to make your next plans with someone when you're with them- for example if you're out with one of your friends who's a bit upset, then finish up by agreeing to do something specific in 10 days or a weeks time. When you have a set "date" people are much less likely to ask you to do stuff in the meantime and even if they do, it's a lot less guilt-laden for you to say "I'd love to but I'm so busy- can't wait to see you next Tues though!"

Shrap · 04-02-2015 7:09pm

For what it's worth, I don't think it's at all unusual to feel stretched very thin when your precious 2 days off at a weekend are taken up 2 weeks in a row. And beating yourself up about how "badly" you are doing when you see other people with kids, etc. doing so much more......maybe they're not? What I mean is, they may be just as busy, or busier but be much better at being determined to keep their "me" time as they have learned how much they need it.

You're 6 months out of home and this lack of "me" time has hit you like a smack on the gob. Something was going to! So....turns out you're not superhuman and your friends are going to need to know that too. Try this out for size: "Mum/friend with break-up/friend with depression/friend with same problem as you/pub inviter/friend who needs delivery of item or is stuck for a car, I'm really feeling stretched a bit thin at the moment, I've no energy, have nothing done at home and really REALLY need some me time before I get sick."

Then snuggle up with the OH and do NOTHING. Except the washing up.

Seriously, your friends need you ...yes. Your friends need you sick...no. Tell them you're juggling all the balls in the air and one or two of them have to drop for a bit.

honey79 · 04-02-2015 9:53pm

Get your diary out now and for the next month mark a night with your own name on it and maybe a full weekend

anyone asks you to do something on these nights say sorry I've already got something on your not lying you have

time out doing your own thing is so important for your own mental health you will burn yourself out if you just keep going
and then you are no good to anyone don't feel guilty about it just do it

Sunny Dayz · 05-02-2015 4:44pm

If you don't want to sacrifice time with your friends, perhaps invite them over to your house more often rather than meet them in a café or in a bar. It saves you time on travelling, and you can get away with washing dishes, putting on a load of washing, cooking etc while they are there. Also if a friend is feeling down, it might feel more comforting to talk over a cuppa in peace in someone's kitchen.

05-02-2015 11:14pm

honey79 wrote: »

Get your diary out now and for the next month mark a night with your own name on it and maybe a full weekend

anyone asks you to do something on these nights say sorry I've already got something on your not lying you have

This is brilliant advice that I try to live by myself. My nights in my diary where nobody else can come over are the best. Favourite tv, online shopping (groceries!! but still), hot bath, candles, nice dinner.

Just do it right now. Put the dates in your diary and stick with them. Make them non-negotiable. Give yourself the time and respect that you offer to everyone else in your life.

Stretched too thin

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