Don't know what to think

LegacyUser

Long time boards user so going anon here.

So, I went out with a girl I met online almost a year ago now. We just clicked from the word go, we talked all day every day and in the end, we ended up falling in love on both parts. We met up a couple of times ''in real life'' and it just ignited the spark even more. Things never felt as perfect, there was real chemistry between us and I've never felt more comfortable with someone in my whole life.

But in the end circumstance ended up coming in the way, we were both going through a lot of personal problems, things like illness and bereavement on both sides, so we had a long hard talk about it, and decided for the moment that we would better off just staying friends for now even though there was a lot of interest on both our parts. Even though we decided that both of us weren't in the right state of mind for a real relationship, we would text each other every single day and call all the time just even to check up on each other and make sure we were both doing okay.

So this arrangement was going on for a long time (almost 8 months) until out of the blue she stopped replying to my texts. I tried calling a couple of times only to have the call cancelled. It was obvious from her behavior and from the vague Facebook statuses I was seeing that her tough times had only escalated. So for the last couple of weeks or so I have gotten very vague or non commental responses back from my texts. (As in, if I asked how she was and I would either get ''grand'' as a response with nothing else besides x's at the end) or else she hasn't bothered replying to me.

In the last couple of weeks she eventually opened up to me as to why she hasn't been replying. (In fairness, it is a completely understandable reason, I just won't go into details in case of identification reasons) so I completely understood why she wouldn't reply to me, but I send the odd text every now and again to let her know I was still there if she needed someone to talk to, not expecting any reply.

Lately however, she had been replying to me, things seemed to be going very very well, almost as if we were on the path of getting back to where we were in the beginning. Back to talking all the time with heavy flirting going on. But then out of nowhere the texts have stopped again. I know there's still stuff going on, but it seems as though I've completely dropped off the space of the earth to her. I can see she's still online on Facebook or whatsapp, but she still doesn't reply to me.

So I tried texting a couple of times, and after all the non responses, I said to her that I was going to give her space until she was ready. I texted her tonight on a pure hunch that something bad was happening, and I got a couple of one word replies that confirmed my suspicion, the stuff that originally lead us to breaking up reared it's ugly head again. So I completely understand and will leave well alone for a while.

The thing is though, whenever we do get properly talking again, there's lots of promise of seeing each other again as well as various other flirty talk.

So basically, what I want the general boardsie opinion on is whether ye think that maybe there is a future there that could happen if the right circumstances come along, or if I'm flogging a dead horse and would be better keep the semi friendship without expectations of anything else happening.

Just to add, it doesn't seem like the usual ''Oh she's playing with you'' stuff I'd see on here from time to time. We genuinely have a deep connection on both sides.

At the end of the day no matter how much I think about it and try to visualize other circumstances it always comes back to her. I know I am truly and deeply in love with her, it's gotten to the stage I'm almost afraid to text in case I get confirmation she doesn't feel anything for me any more if you get what I mean?

What do you's all think?

power pants

We met up a couple of times ''in real life''

and you are both "fell in love?"

I think you should leave her alone. she is clearly too busy with whatever it is that you wont mention that is going on in her life or she just has no real interest in you other than someone to text when she feels like it.

Tokyo

confused54321 wrote: »

I know I am truly and deeply in love with her, it's gotten to the stage I'm almost afraid to text in case I get confirmation she doesn't feel anything for me any more if you get what I mean?

It sounds like you have this girl placed far too high up on a pedestal, whereas she has a very different (and honestly, far more realistic) view on where things are between you two.

It sounds like part of the the common ground between you two was that you both were going though your own ordeals at the same time, and I'd imagine that a lot of this 'talking for hours' had to do with these issues. And this attitude extended into the time after you both decided that you had too much going on for anything to happen.

But from that moment it sounds like she has been treating you as a friend, being your sounding board for advice, and seeking out support from you, whereas you seemingly have been becoming more besotted with her. And it also sounds like she has taken time away from you when she needed to, while you were hanging on by a thread, wondering where he was and what she was doing - these are two very different directions to be going in.

My advice would be to take a step back and reassess the situation - if I were in your shoes that's certainly what I would do. Sorry for saying this, but your constant testing seems almost invasive, and more wearing her down into responding than anything else, and waiting for her to 'be ready'. She's given you no indication that she wants to 'be ready' for anything more than friendship - indeed, she seems to want to focus on sorting out her own problems first, and rightly so.

LLMMML

It seems to be going nowhere. To be honest, that was pretty much the situation from when you met up and decided you both weren't ready for a relationship. It's one of those situations that you hear about relatively regularly (where people say "not now but maybe down the line") that very rarely works out. If you both wanted to be together you would be together.

I assume you haven't been pursuing other (more rewarding) relationships as you're hung up on this girl for a year.

Personally I'd cut contact. Let her know you need space to move on. Don't try and be friends as you'll be hoping for some crumbs from her and won't actually move on.

Pomplamousse

I really don't get this "we're perfect for each other but it's just not the right time" bull**** thing that I hear about so often.

Unless you're living on different sides of the world, if two people really want to be together, they will, regardless of circumstances.

TheBeardedLady

Pomplamousse wrote: »

I really don't get this "we're perfect for each other but it's just not the right time" bull**** thing that I hear about so often.

Unless you're living on different sides of the world, if two people really want to be together, they will, regardless of circumstances.

Yes. People go through personal troubles whilst in a relationship and don't end it temporarily 'till it's over. Going through the bad times together is a big part of being in a relationship, not waiting 'till everything is all sunshine and lollipops. If you were really meant to be, it would've happened by now, unfortunately.

I've no doubt you got along and I don't doubt the love you feel for her but I think you've built this up too much in your head, OP. The fact that she wasn't responding to your multiple messages etc. says it all - even in my darkest moments, I'd always want to communicate with my boyfriend.

I think you're wasting your time, OP and I think if you don't move on now, you'll waste even more time and set yourself up for terrible heartache. I think it's time to move on.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I think you guys might be right. I have been seeing other people since, not in a serious way, just for fun, but none of it has felt right. I know that I'm a good looking guy and have a good job, everything is stable on my side now, and could find a more rewarding relationship, I just have confidence issues which i guess is why I got hung up on this girl. At the beginning I really thought it would go the distance, but yous are right, she clearly doesn't feel the same I suppose I just needed someone to say it to me to help me see.
Ah well, better to have loved and lost and all that!

milli milli

Op I hope you're ok. But I would tend to agree that this has been built up and this girl has been placed on a pedestal.
You've spent most or your relationship texting, not actually being together in real life.
Real life is where you really get to know a person. Texting/messaging all the time builds up a false sense of intimacy.
The way it is now, you have no idea how this girl feels about you and trying to communicate with her is still being done by technology.

I know it's hard to hear but I don't see this having a happy ending. If someone was giving me one word text replies or didn't want to answer my calls, I would take it as 'not interested'.
And as others have said, you can't wait til life is all sunshine and roses before being in a relationship.

As much as it's hard to hear, let this girl go. Find yourself someone else, who won't leave you hanging on and please conduct the relationship in real life and not by text.

LegacyUser

I think I may have understated the amount of time we spent together. While we did only meet a few times, towards the end those times ended up being weekends/a few days during the week staying together. So it was more than just communicating through technology. I'm okay really, I guess I knew the answers would be like this, still hard not to have hope when she says things like she wants to meet up again (which happened today, I refused though, I really can't keep being strung along like this.)

milli milli

confused54321 wrote: »

wants to meet up again (which happened today, I refused though, I really can't keep being strung along like this.)

Good for you. I'm also delighted you are making the effort to see other people. You will meet someone else and they won't string you along. Best of luck OP

Matteroffact

What you have to do is ask this girl what the story is, i..e. is she interested in a relationship or not. There has been far too much messing in the last year, enough to put anyone off. So the time has come to have the talk about having a proper relationship or not. Nothing should stand in the way if you are both serious about one another. If she hesitates then forget about her.

Littlekittylou

If someone loves you they just do. They want to be with you. I have been in your position too. When someone is serious they want you to feel secure and make their feelings known to you openly and plainly. It sounds like she likes the ambiguity as it means she does not have to stand up to the plate.

People are not indifferent or cold to someone they are interested in they see you as important. They make it clear.

I hope you are ok.

I hope you meet someone who can be in a really healthy relationship with you.

Oyva bigwan

I've been their mate , forget her,

Chin up, forward not backward