Advice on how to handle a gf who isn't understanding

wally1990

Hi

iusedtoknow

she's completely over reacting tbh. There has to be boundaries, especially with work.

I'm a manager and I know that my team text and chat to their partners/mates during work, i actively encourage it, especially as we all start work pretty early (based on west coast USA with part of our team in Europe, so we have a few hours where we can collaborate with each other). A lot of my team have young kids so there are always things going on in the morning that they need to know about - especially if they're picking up the kids from preschool or something later.

However, i also know that they use common sense, and that when we are in meetings etc, text/emails/chats are only emergency - not for "how are you" sort of emails/texts. Conversely if there was an "emergency" type call or text I would have no issue with people leaving to take it. The same with my own wife - she's a doctor and working weird shifts at the best of times. If i get a text from her...happy days - however if I don't....she's busy or she's sleeping, or hiding in a corner of her hospital trying to wolf down a sandwich.

Do not under any circumstance say anything to your boss about taking 10 minutes to do it. It will not look good for you..

What I can't understand is your gf's attitude. During the working day...work takes precedence. Does she work or have college or anything that keeps her occupied? Surely she has times in the day when she can't chat etc.

IlmoNT4

How come your working 12 hour days without a lunch/coffee/toilet break?

Forgetting about your g/f for the moment, if you continue to work like that, you'll burn out. Regardless of your promotion, working like that does not set a good precedent, and doesnt make you look professional. Honestly it doesnt, you sound quite young?

As for your g/f wanting contact during the day, it sounds like you live together so I dont understand why she needs you to contact her during the day for a chat?

You need to setup boundaries, if I lived with someone I wouldnt expect to hear from them when they were in work. Maybe sit her down and discuss whats so important that you need to chat during the day? and if its very important, then chat during your lunch break etc.
Honestly your g/f doesnt sound very secure in this relationship with you

Ann84

I think she's completely overreacting also! Is she not busy in work herself?!?
You sound quite ambitious, would she be similar?
Both myself and partner have busy jobs and never 'chat' during the day... Occasionally will email or text a query or a link to something to discuss that evening but all our chats tend to be in the evening at home. I get the occasional 'I love you' text but know a response wouldn't be immediately expected!
Your in work, working! Can you clarify to her that this is not something that is likely to change and possibly leave chats to the evening? I mean how much chatting does she need in a day?!

wally1990

So

IlmoNT4

Look this stuff is easy, tell her that during work you cant chat but you'll see her when you get home and at the weekends.

Your 24 and full of career ambition so off you go... in about 10 years you wouldnt be working the same way but for now, this is what you want to do.

Its really about finding a balance that works for you....not her....you. You want to do well at work, so focus on that. There has to be a compromise with her on how she can get what she needs from you, without wanting to chat all day during working hours...explore that together and I'm sure it'll work out.
But like I said, she sound insecure in the relationship if she needs to chat with you during working hours (which I think is unusual), thats what I would focus on if I was you.

seventeen sheep

She is being unreasonable.

It is totally normal to focus on work within working hours, and also it's normal to spend work breaks building up social relationships with colleagues.

Myself and my partner might drop each other the occasional text or e-mail during the day - then again, we often don't - and if we did, we'd be in no way offended or upset if the other person didn't reply; we would assume they were busy, as is to be expected when you're at work. We'd generally only phone each other if there was some sort of an urgent situation.

I have to say I'd be quite annoyed in your position; she has no right to be trying to make you feel bad over this. I get the impression you live together - if she's spending time with you most evenings, it's a bit much to expect constant contact during the day as well, when you have a job to do.

wally1990

And may I ask you

bee06

I'd be telling her that's the real world and she needs to grow up to be honest. Based on her own work history it sounds like she doesn't get actually caring about the job you do and wanting to succeed.

I have a job where if something happens you stay til it's fixed. It's happened to me where I am even too busy to text my husband that I'll be late and he's waiting at home with dinner going cold. He doesn't like when it happens (and neither do I) but that's the way it and I'm being paid to do it. I work 14 hour days and weekends at quarter end and I barely can function I'm so tired and stressed but he's there keeping me going and taking care of all the life stuff I can't.

LegacyUser

Your gf sounds completely unreasonable and obviously has no understanding of how companies work. You are paid to work not talk to her. I'd be the same as others, would rarely be in touch with my other half during the day while at work, might send each other the odd email but we are both busy so don't have time usually.
The fact that she has been fired from 2 jobs for absence says a lot about her attitude to work.

strobe

wally1990 wrote: »

And may I ask you how do you respond when she is raising the question why should i be in work any longer than the standard 8 hours p/day.

"That's what the job requires in order to be done. I do that, or the job doesn't get done, I get fired for not doing the job I am paid to do, and I'm then unemployed. It just is what it is. I don't like it any more than you do. I'd love to work 30 hours a week and be able to spend way more time doing things I love like spending time with you, but unfortunately that's not the situation I'm in. It's really sh1t. But I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. And you're not being very supportive when I need you to be. And considering you're supposed to be the one person in the world I can rely on when I'm in a tough place, that feels pretty awful to be honest. I need your support right now, not to be made feel guilty over something I can't control. It's nothing at all to do with me wanting to do this over spending time with you, or anything like that, if that's what you're concerned about, it's not a choice, it's just the situation I've found myself in. It won't be a permanent thing. But for the time being it's what I have to do. So please try to make things easier for me by supporting me. I'd really appreciate it."

Or words to that effect.

Mr. J

At first I was like... she just wants to talk to you brah, isn't that nice...

But then I was like... Jeez. Why is it even necessary to text/talk sh*t with ANYBODY during the day.

Mobile phones are only around 20 years really. Humans have gone out and worked just grand for the last, I dunno - let's just say hundreds of thousands of years, in our current form - without the need for small talk during sun-time.

Ug not have phone.

Ug go out with club and hit meat with stick. Ug say, me go work and get meat, me home later.

Tell her you love her and you'll see her at 5. Tell her you're going out to get meat and and you'll be home later...

LegacyUser

OP: well done on your promotions, it is fantastic to hear of someone getting on so well, and success only comes with hard work.
Your gf sounds, like another poster has mentioned, very insecure, but also a bit immature.
You need to set your boundaries with her. When you are in work, it's work! That's what you're paid to do, not texting and chatting about nothing in particular....you're in the adult world, which you realise, but she doesn't.
I'm not sure that you both are all that compatible, because you seem as if you are destined for greater things than what you have now, have a track record of hard graft, and will need the support of a partner rather than b****y behaviour as your career progresses.
You are both very young, and sometimes it's at the age you are where you realise that there is a chasm developing between you.
With me ,things are black and white, I tend to move on at any hint of the kind of behaviour you mentioned. Having said that, I'm not saying that you should break up with her, but do step back and reevaluate . Over the next ten years you will change immeasurably, and it seems that she will possibly always hold you back.
Good luck, and well done on your success so far!

beks101

I think this is a fundamental compatibility thing and if your girlfriend can't/won't change her attitude, it might be time to consider cutting your losses.

You're ambitious, she's not. You have a strong work ethic, she doesn't. Not that it means she's a bad or lazy person or any of those things, but she just doesn't value having a career and putting in the hours in a job to get ahead in the same way that you do. I'm sure she has other interests.

I have a similarly manic job and often won't even look at my personal phone from the moment I get in to the time I leave 10 - 12 hours later. It's just the nature of things, if things are busy I'll barely have time for a toilet break and lunch? Some chance. And that's not me being a workaholic, a martyr to the job or even blindly ambitious - it's how it goes and if I don't play ball, I'll be out the door fast enough to make my head spin and someone else will be doing my job.

I wouldn't be a big texter anyway, but in order to establish contact with my OH we'll gchat or fb chat throughout the day if we have time - as I'm always in front of a computer screen and it's just easier. Sometimes we won't bother and will understand that the other is busy and sometimes it'll be a few hours before either of us can respond. Because of our jobs we make a big effort outside the office and there's a trust there that any spare moment we get will be spent together. We're always making plans and I have no need to "check in" with him twenty times a day to feel good about our relationship.

Honestly, I don't get this need to text or be in contact with someone constantly throughout the day. You're not a pair of teenagers with nothing better to do. You're an adult with responsibilities and a busy, high pressured job. That's the real world.

Tbh if she continues to taunt you and blame you and make you feel crap for the simple fact of working in a busy job that you have ambitions to succeed in, I don't think it's worth your while even entertaining her.

HiGlo

beks101 wrote: »

I wouldn't be a big texter anyway, but in order to establish contact with my OH we'll gchat or fb chat throughout the day if we have time - as I'm always in front of a computer screen and it's just easier.

Yeah, this is what I was thinking.
I think she's being a bit demanding and unreasonable, but is it an option to use something web based so it's just a screen while your working! Webtext, skype, gmail chat or something......
Just keep reinforcing to her that it's not a reflection on her, just the demands of your job...

Teyla Emmagan

I also think you're possibly just not compatible with your girlfriend OP. She doesn't sound anything remotely like career oriented, and you clearly are. And that's not something you'll change about her, she will never understand why your job is so important to you. And that 'I should be No 1' stuff is pure narcissistic childishness. Loads of women would love an ambitious partner, so maybe you should look elsewhere. Possibly for someone who is also building their career. Or just concentrate on your job and being single for a while if you can't juggle the two. You have plenty of time down the line for relationships.

Fair play to you on the promotions btw, I think that's really impressive.

RossFixxxed

There's obviously some clash here. The constant talks of needing to be number 1 stands out. You are only working a normal day with longer days when deadlines approach, which is far from unreasonable.

(Note consult your companies policy on phones/mail/IM etc) Here's what myself and my OH agreed:

Email: low priority, general chit chat, plans for later type things
Hangouts Message: low priority, probably to chat
SMS: worth reading
Phone call: emergency/urgent/important

Pretty easy system to be honest, I've rolled it out to all my friends now so we don't have to worry about replying to a hangouts message that comes in if busy, but can say hi and chat if not!

We fell into this routine as convenience and because they are increasingly difficult to reply to in the office as the list goes down. You could try to enforce something like this. It's also possible she's completely clueless about the demands of work. Credit control etc is NOT easy and combined with a call centre that's a very 'heady' job, as in your head will constantly be doing something, or at least spinning!! It is not easy to call and blather about your day in the middle of all that. You need to have a talk with her on this for sure. If you were working 12 hours a day maybe she'd have a point.

Congrats on the promotions! That's brilliant to get the 2 like that, especially these days! You're obviously motivated, driven and capable... I'd imagine a lot of (wo)men would love those traits!

ladygirl

OP, I work full time (typical mon - fri 9-5) My partner works as an engineer roughly 7am - 7pm, he is also a farmer, so he spends every evening and Saturdays on the farm. We never communicate during the working day unless its important or to confirm something. I never complain about my partners working hours or lack of communication as we do all our chatting at home.. I like nothing more than him coming home and us catching up

I would find it extremely annoying if he was to text me all day at work. Your girlfriend sounds extremely immature and needy. I don't think its healthy in a relationship. She needs to realise that during your working hours your WORK (not your girlfriend) is your number one priority.

Congratulations on being so ambitious, your hard work is obviously being noticed as is seen by your two promotions. Your girlfriend should be helping make your life easier - not causing unnecessary problems between you two.

Truth be told - she sounds like a head wrecker.

Sleepless and Manic

beks101 wrote: »

I think this is a fundamental compatibility thing and if your girlfriend can't/won't change her attitude, it might be time to consider cutting your losses.

Agreed.

There is no "standard 8 hour" day. You're paid a salary. That she cant grasp this is curious.

I expect there's a wide educational gulf between you as well?