Worried Mother

LegacyUser

I'm a 24 year old woman who lives in the UK and my relationship with my mother is still the biggest source of strife in my life. I owe my parents some money (which we agreed I would pay back next year) but otherwise I'm finacnially independent. My mother is an excessive worrier. I have to sugar coat everything or she'll go crazy. I can't speak to her about my love life or any worries with regards to work, uni, finance etc. And then when things go wrong she gets really annoyed that I haven't been sharing.

I recently booked a short break in Scotland. I'm only going for two days, I'm meeting a friend for dinner one evening but otherwise I'll be alone. I debated whether or not to tell her but decided honesty is best. I have travelled alone (to much more far flung places) before. Immediately she started "eeehh, oh X are you sure that's a good idea? Can't you get one of the girls to go with you? You know how I worry about you. Don't go off with any strangers etc." But I powered through because I'm really excited! And told her my itinerary. When I said "And then I might go for a drink" it started all over again "Don't go to a pub by yourself. You're such a target for nasty people etc." Admitedly I snapped and I shouldn't have but I went off about how she had to dampen everything and it wasn't fair etc. I then apologised and she said her way of thinking was normal but I said I don't want to hear it, if she has constructive advice, fine but basically implying I should just stay at home isn't consturctive. If I had friends who wanted to come I go with them but I don't so I'm not waiting around for someone who does. My dad just text to say she's really upset after our phone call and I need to fix it, but I don't know what I can do other than apologise for snapping?

I'm not in a relationship but mentioned going for coffee with a male friend and got "oh I really don't think that's a good idea, what if he gets the wrong impression? You shouldn't be looking for anything romantic at the moment." I'm going to see my absolute favourite band (again alone) in a couple of weeks, and she couldn't say one good thing, not even I hope you have fun. All about how it was a bad idea and how I had to be sure I was safe etc. I had hoped to go Istanbul (a female friend travelled there alone without problems) or Berlin later in the year but I don't even know if it's worth it. When I'm visiting at home I can't go out because she stays up unitl I come home and when my ex-boyfriend stayed over it was basically the same story, she wouldn't sleep while we were still up because she needed to hear him go into the guest bedroom before she could. How do I deal with this?

fineso.mom

You poor thing. I can't imagine having to deal with someone like that, the negativity must be soul destroying. Mothers worry, of course. That's our job! But not to the extent where we stop our kids from getting out there and living life.
After dropping my daughter to college when she was 18, I called her 3 times on my 2hr journey home to see if she was OK. The 3rd time she answered and said " oh my God Mom, stop calling me,,I'll call you if I need you". That was 4yrs ago and she has yet to call me with any major problems. My point is, I had to force myself to NOT call her again that day and trust that she would call me if she needed me.
It took a few months but as each month went by and nothing awful happened I got used to not worrying.
I think that's the way it is with most people so why is your mother different? Are you an only child ? Were you ill when younger? Is your mother like this with other people? Does your dad worry too?
Whatever the reason, it's not your problem it's hers. It's understandable you snapped at her. For goodness' sake ,you're going to Scotland not Syria.
Would it be possible to start cutting her off as soon as she starts with the negativity? For example,if you say you're going to a concert and she says " oh,that sounds dangerous ,what if such and such" Could you get into the habit of replying with a bright and breezy " Ah,not at all,sure there's good security at those things. Anyway, how's uncle Tom doing,did he finish the extension?" Basically counter the negativity with some positivity and redirection?
Have a great time in Scotland by the way.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend's mother is exactly like this, down to concerts and travel plans. She's the same with all of her children and has burned her bridges with them.

My opinion is you are enabling her by giving her information. My boyfriend has finally learned that he simply can't tell his mother anything, because it's simply not worth the grief she gives in return. It's not possible to have a good relationship with someone like that. Why would you tell her anything and enable this behaviour if you know this is the response you're going to get? It's unlikely you can change her. At 24, I find it unusual that you feel the need to relay every little detail. I talk to my mother a couple of times a week, we have a great relationship and I would never feel the need to tell her about meeting a guy for a drink or whatever.

Do you have friends? Perhaps you should tell them about your plans and supply your mother with less information and maybe eventually she will get the message?

Eeden

If your mother is that anxious, then it is time to stop sharing all of your plans with her. Seriously, it will spare you both so much grief!

The Masculinist

Eeden wrote: »

If your mother is that anxious, then it is time to stop sharing all of your plans with her. Seriously, it will spare you both so much grief!

+1.

Sounds like my mother, an excessive worrier! Unfortunately the only solution I have found is to tell her as little as possible. Sad but true. Perhaps a trait of Irish mammies?

Best of luck!!

R.D. aka MR.D

I can't understand why you are still letting her dictate your plans at this age.

My mother is like this and to be honest I got so sick of how negatively it was effecting me that now she absolutely no clue what I get up to day to day.

She deals with it.

Stop telling her everything, she has no right to know.

LynnGrace

I'd agree about not telling her everything. I'm a great believer in a 'need to know' basis, especially if someone is a worrier.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here.

Thanks for the advice. And for the support, it's not to know I'm not crazy or overreating. I have one older brother who also lives abroad. She claims she is just as worried about him but I'm not close to him so I wouldn't know. I was a healthy, normal child. From what I no my mum has always suffered with anxiety.

A lot of you have said to stop telling her things but I really don't know how plausible it is? I mean we only talk once a week as it is. And I don't tell her everything, not even close! I wouldn't tell her if I had a date as one of you implied, that'd be a disaster! I just bring stuff up in conversation. I mean when I got with my ex I didn't tell her for three months but it was awful. I had to lie all the time, even "so are you up to much this weekend?" couldn't be answered honestly. And then when she did find out she felt betrayed and now worries more because she can't trust me to tell her the truth.

I try and cut her off before she starts but that's me "being rude and snappy." And that's when she gets upsets and then I feel bad. I do have friends, but that's really not the same thing. I want to be able to tell my mum basic stuff. I mean I know it techniqually doesn't matter but I don't want to fight or upset her either, it doesn't seem fair.

R.D. aka MR.D

witsendop wrote: »

Hi, op here.

And then when she did find out she felt betrayed and now worries more because she can't trust me to tell her the truth.

This is not normal behaviour. She sounds like she is trying to control your life.

You are an adult and you need to set boundaries with her. If she steps over the line, let her know. Tell her; I'm an adult and I'll do as I please.

You can make conversation about plenty of things that aren't your personal life. Usually when I have any conversation with my mother, I just ask her about her life and what she's doing. She loves talking about herself and then if she starts on me, I'll just deflect the question by asking her another question about herself.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to tell her you are not telling her anything anymore. You know she's only asking so that she can then tell you what a bad idea it is! Tell her that you can't tell her your plans anymore because everything you plan upsets her. Point out to her that you live away from home and manage on a day to day basis. Tell her you are sensible enough to know what is or isn't safe and it upsets her when you tell her things and it upsets you when she gets upset. So from now on you will not be telling her your plans. If you tell her this from the start then she can't use the line of feeling betrayed when she finds out your plans after. And if she does find out after the event you can point out that you survived it without anything dreadful happening so she would have been worrying unnecessarily if you had told her.

Just think of the 2 possible conversations.
"Are you doing anything for the weekend?"
Answer 1: "I've nothing planned"
Answer 2: "Yeah, I'm going to meet such-a-one in such-a-place".

You can still tell her what you've done... after you've done it. Then if she starts with the doom and gloom you can point out that nothing actually happened, and you had a lovely time.

cassid

I reckon your mum really loves you and perhaps she finds it really hard you being away from home. You grew inside her and she cherished and loved her from the day you came into the world. That love and wanting to protect your offspring does not stop , well definitely not in your mums case.

A mothers instinct is to protect, the last thing she wants in this world is for anything to happen to you. Warning you of the possible dangers in her eyes could just be her way of making sure you are safe and ok and aware of what can happen to you.

I would cut her a bit of slack and try see things from her perspective, sometimes you just have to let them have their ramble. I have had years of advice from mother in laws and mothers that I would never take, at the end of the day I know they mean well. Learn to tune out a little and just say, ah yes, will have a think about that.