My father,62, with a girl of 27, for 9 years, still living with my mother (separated)

LegacyUser

TL/DR My 62 year old father is riding a 27 year old (he's her ex-teacher) for at least 9 years and is still living with my mother but they are separated, he thinks it's still a secret but it's absolutely not and I don't know how to deal with it.

My father is 62 and he's been with a 27 year old for at least 8 or 9 years. He thinks it's a secret but everyone knows. He's a retired teacher and she was his student, so there is the possibility that they've been together since she was maybe only 17 or 18.

My parents separated years ago, but they still live in the same house. Neither of them wanted to leave the house so they're like flatmates now, separate bedrooms, separate sitting rooms, shared bills etc.

We all know that he's been with this young one for years but it's never been brought up. They've been seen together many times, they go away for weekends together, my mother has found hotel bills, etc. It's been going on for so long that everyone knows at this stage but no-one has ever said anything. It's f*cking weird.

Lately he has been less secretive about it, almost like he wants people to know.

My mother has recently started seeing an absolutely lovely man, he's really great, he treats her very well, they are so happy, and he's the same age!

She hasn't told my father, so there's this bizarre situation where they're both going out with other people but both hiding it from each other (she stays in her new fella's house often which is normal and cool, and he often stays away with the young one which is not so normal or cool) but both of them totally know what's going on but have never discussed it, and probably never will.

So I'm kind of stuck, I don't know how to deal with it. I am the oldest, I have 3 sisters (we're all grown-up adults though!). I just recently moved out of my apartment and I'm actually at home with them temporarily until I find a new place to live.

My mother has even asked me for advice on this, but it's such an odd situation, I really don't know?

R.D. aka MR.D

right up until your last sentence, i was thinking 'it's none of your business.'

What kind of advice does your mother want? How to tell your father about the other man? how to get your father out of the house?

What exactly is her problem with the situation?

seventeen sheep

Tell your mother that you're happy that herself and your father are happy in their new relationships, and that it's none of your business outside of that.

Stavro Mueller

OK, I get that you're not happy about your father being with this younger woman. But that's not what this issue is about really. What's not good for either of your parents is that they're both living under the same roof and are now in second relationships. I get that neither of them wants to leave the house but this can't continue indefinitely. It's not healthy and they're living too close to each other. One or both of them will have to go from the house. On the legal side of things - did they ever legally separate? Is the house paid for?

What is it that your mum wants? Your father to leave the house? Would she be open to having the house sold and buying somewhere else? I think she needs to approach him and tell him that their living situation cannot continue. It might be worth her getting legal advice beforehand. It's immaterial really who's with who. They kicked the can down the road regarding the house and it's reaching a situation where it needs to be dealt with.

Big Bag of Chips

It's not clear what advice your mother is looking for. I think it suited them both for the last while to keep the house but live separately. You say it's sort of an open secret that your dad is with the other woman. So from that I take it your mam has known too, and it never really affected her living situation. But now that she is with someone else the situation of them sharing a house isn't practical anymore.

So the advice I would give her is to look into selling the house and finally going their separate ways.

eviltwin

It sounds like they have an arrangement that, while unusual, works for them. It's interesting that your tldr summary only mentioned your father's relationship like he's some dirty old man. As weird as it must be for you he can do what he wants. Nine years is a long time so it seems serious and to be working. Your mum is happy too so I don't see any problems. Maybe your mum feels uncomfortable having a relationship with her ex under the same roof, must be awkward for her and her partner. Advise her to be honest and look into ending the current situation so everyone can move on.

Meauldsegosha

Guest127 wrote: »

.... (she stays in her new fella's house often which is normal and cool, and he often stays away with the young one which is not so normal or cool) ...

Why is it "normal and cool" for your mother but not for your father?

strandroad

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Why is it "normal and cool" for your mother but not for your father?

I suppose that with him there's some creep factor involved, seeing how they think he went after a pupil. Their marriage still lasted too if I'm reading this right.

OP your parents should just move out and go their separate ways, this situation is not healthy for anyone.

Rubberchikken

what advice is your mother looking for?

as two adults who were obviously once happily married, can she not speak with your dad about this arrangement?

if, as you say, most people know, chances are she does too, and if she's unhappy with it, then it should be up to her to deal with it however she sees fit.

i agree it's not great behaviour from your dad, but the woman he's with is an adult irrespective of the age difference and if he wants a relationship with her then so be it.

i realise you're finding this hard to deal with so i hope things get settled soon.

Stavro Mueller

You're jumping to conclusions to a certain extent. How can you say for certain he thinks it's still a secret? This sounds like it has been an open secret for a quite a while. Perhaps there was an unspoken understanding and nobody opened their mouth. I can understand why he kept the early years of his relationship with this woman under wraps. There is after all that iffy question of what age she was when they got together and an inappropriate teacher/student relationship. It could've jeopardised his job and made his teaching job harder. Now though, he's retired and they're both consenting adults. Whatever it is they've got going, it has lasted a hell of a long time. Looking at this from a dispassionate point of view, why shouldn't they come out into the open? You might not like it one bit but this went further than "riding a 27 year old" a long time ago. It's a fully fledged, legitimate relationship and I bet both of them are tiring of skulking around.

If your mum decides to approach your father re. sorting out their living arrangements, there's no need to go down the line of discussing who's dating who. It's not good for either of them to be living under the same roof, especially now that they're both in second relationships. Your dad's one looks like it's going to come out into the open and I'm sure his girlfriend's not going to want his living circumstances to continue indefinitely. The same thing may well happen with your mum and her new man. It really does make them sound like a pair of teenagers who can't bring their boyfriend/girlfriend home for the night because mammy and daddy are in the room next door. All your mum needs to say is that they've both moved on and it's time to sort their living arrangements. I don't know how you can solve this particular deadlock but it's going to have to be done.

Miaireland

It is hard to offer advise when you do not tell us what advise you mother is asking you for.

At the end of the day all parties involved are adults and really you should let your parents sort things out between them.

Dutchess

Just wanted to say I do sympathise with the situation. My parents are recently divorced and my dad's new partner is actually a few years older than him. If he had started dating someone my age or younger, I would be pretty creeped out.

Nevertheless, that is what is happening and if it is still going on, seems pretty stable. Your parents should probably sell the house, split whatever money results from that and use it to go their separate ways.

Shrap

Hey OP, just wanted to say that your feelings about your Dad's relationship being not ok, but your Mum's being fine are quite normal and understandable.

When my own Mum had affairs years ago, I was at a vulnerable age and not only did I think it was AWFUL, I thought my Dad deserved better than her. Since then, they sorted everything out and I'm glad of it but I remember basically feeling like I wished my Dad could meet someone who he'd be happier with. That's happened for your Mum now, and I can only imagine your relief that she's being treated right and having a life outside of her life with your Dad.

I don't blame you at all for your weirded out feelings over your Dad's relationship, but essentially, he and your Mum have managed to suit themselves through sharing a house all that time. Now seemingly, it doesn't suit your Mum and they both will have to think about where they see themselves a year from now (say). Ask your Mum does she see the current situation lasting for life? If not, then now is the time for her to work out what she wants, regardless of what your Dad wants. They are no longer in a real marriage, but they are still in a relationship of a kind. Separating properly will be a wrench for both of them and your feelings on the subject (while understandable) may not be best placed to be impartially helping her work out what she wants to do.

We can all sit here as observers saying "Of course she should move out", but she's going to have to work that out for herself, eh?