Anyone else get these doubts??

LegacyUser

Hi guys.

With my partner nearly a year and a half, still haven't heard those three words.
I know some people aren't very vocal but I feel like I'm getting mixed messages a lot and am now starting to lose interest:(

My partner and his family are very good to me and my child and I really love them both so this is becoming difficult for me.

This time a month a go I plucked up the courage to tell him I was falling for him, due to time constraints I arrived where I was meant to be quite late so this put a stop to me "declaring my love for him" as he was in bad humour with me...we had a huge argument the next day

.....the timing of this argument was really bad as I had to carry out an important task...the fact we had the huge argument kind of messed things up for me, I would not have started an argument right before he had Somethinn important to do....he knew how important it was that I had a clear head, it would be the equivalent of arguing with someone before an interview.

I was absolutely crazy about this guy but I feel I've been waiting so long for his love that I've grown bored and am starting to lose interest. I had this scenario built up in my head that I would declare how important he was to me and I can't describe the dissapointment I felt over what happened that night and the next day:( I worked day and night for 3 days to meet him that night, got ready and drove for a good hour to meet him. I felt so disappointed that he couldn't appreciate how much effort I made to meet him that night.

I suppose All I wanted was to hear him say he loved me, that I'm important to him, that he sees a future with me...I've always had to fish for answers and I think I deserve more...


even if he said these things now I think it's too late...does this happen to others ??

It's like I've been chasing his love for so long I feel bored and uninterested, I've waiting so long now I've lost interest.

What do I do here ? Is it time to move on?

Thanks for reading x

catonthewire

Hi,

It does strike me as strange that after so long you still haven't heard him use the three words you wish for...
In truth though some people do.find showing their emotions very difficult, are his family not particularly demonstrative?..
This could account for his difficulty...

I think.you seriously need to sit down with him, explain that you love him and ask does he feel the same for you...
An ex of mine was a fantastic guy, but came from a home that didn't encourage hugs and declarations of love, it was tough going as I adore the romantic side of relationships...
Just be honest with him, perhaps he just needs a little help.to.express his true feelings...

LegacyUser

OP: if in doubt....get out.
Or at the very least, step back, concentrate on your child, and start making YOU a priority. If he wants you, then he will chase you.
You do deserve more, but that will only come when you make yourself and your child number one, and limit the time you spend analysing your current situation.
Maybe this has run it's course.
Best of luck !

LegacyUser

What I've learned from my dating experience OP is that if someone loves you, you'll know because you'll feel it by their behaviour towards you and their actions. The act of saying the words themselves is meaningless without that.

It sounds to me like you're more desperate to hear him say I love you than to actually feel loved. That kind of suggests you want to hear him say I love you to fix your insecurities, or to compensate for something that's missing.

Suppose you hadn't had the argument and you had said you loved him, would that have magically changed your relationship somehow? If he'd said the words back to you, would you feel that he really meant them or was just saying them back out of politeness or being put on the spot?

You're building saying I love up into some life changing magical fairytale event. It's not. Why is it too late to tell him? Because he ruined some fairytale perfect moment you'd created in your head? If you truly love this guy just tell him, it doesn't change anything, it's not going to make the relationship any better, or magically fix any faults within it.


If you don't feel like he treats you lovingly after a year and a half then thats a reason to call it a day, not because he hasn't said 3 cliched words. If you do feel loved in the relationship then it seems a bit foolish to throw that away in a strop because hasn't said 3 overused words. Its how he makes you feel and how he treats you that matters not words.

LegacyUser

No his family are very kind and caring so it's not to do with that.

I know he had quite a destructive relationship precious to ours but I've been understanding and patient. I've had destructive relatiobships too but I learn from them.

In some ways he's fantastic and caring, he's also quite involved with my child.

But the thing is he never initiates conversations about us having a future, ie us living together, having kids together, us having a future...

I'm not looking for him to commit to those things but I want to be with someone who is excited about the thoughts of doing these things with me.

I think I've waited too long to be given any signs of commitment, I've grown bored and tired of it now. It feels like like I was so hungry for his love ( for so long) but have been kept waiting so long that I've lost my appetite.

Maybe it's time for me to move on and find someone who's excited by the thoughts of having a future with me as opposed to being scared ?

IlmoNT4

well the first thing to remember is that he cant read your mind, nor does he know how big a deal this is for you or the effort you put into creating a situation to tell him that you loved him.

Why not lead by example, give him a cuddle when your in bed and tell him that you love him. You seem to have made a big deal of this in your mind. Show him your emotions and your vulnerable side and on the back of that start telling him that you want a future with him, that you see this going some where and see how he responds. If your afraid to share this with him, in case you scare him off, after a year and a half... you have a big problem.
Some people arent able to share their feelings in the same way you can, and this might come across as he doesnt care about you...You need to understand if hes the cares and loves you but doesn't openly show it or if he just have intimacy problems.
How else does he treat you, is he there for you when things arent going ok? Does he stand up to the plate to help you out? Does he look after you and support you emotionally? Is there a balance in the relationship?

But I also think it says something that the real problem here is that you cant talk to him honestly and openly... Your suggesting that because of this you are losing interest... If you cant communicate properly with him, and he cant talk to you then your probably right, your gut is telling you its time to move on. If you get further into a relationship with someone who doesnt express themselves or communicate to how you need and want then you will be miserable.

mada82

Ignoring the separate issue about the row, some men find it incredibly difficult to show emotion like that.

LegacyUser

If someone hadn't told me they loved me after a year I'd have long since given up...but then you haven't told him either, so I don't really think you're in any place to judge? Just tell him and see what happens.

LegacyUser

Hi op here.

Thanks for the replies.

It's not just because of him not saying these three words.
He had issues as a result of a past relationship, on a number of occasions he actually broke up with me and then realised it was a mistake...this takes time for me to recover from.

We are very open and honest with each other and generally get on well. Yes he's there to support me emotionally and he does give help when it's needed. He is affectionate and only for the fact he hasn't told me he is in love with me I wouldn't be doubting it.

Due to the fact he finished with me twice, even if only for a few hours, this takes time to recover from. So it's not really just about me throwing a strop for not hearing the words.

Also in regards to building up that I was going to tell him I love him...this was not a fairy tale thing I built up in my head. I made a lot of effort to be there that night, literally worked day and night. All I wanted was to see him as I hadn't seen him in a few days...I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me but was greeted with him being annoyed with me.

We are open with each other on all other levels apart from this, he's stated in conversations if someone feels under pressure they will buckle.

Maybe this has run it's course. And I'm not throwing it away in a strop but if I'm scared to tell someone I love them out of fear of scaring them off after this amount of time there is Something seriously up

LegacyUser

Hi op here.

Thanks for the replies guys.

He's dropped in conversations before how people " buckle" under pressure in relationships so yes I do have difficulty expressing to him how I feel about him because I'm afraid he'll go running scared...he has always been like this since the start. He's a great guy but over thinks *everything*

He treats me quite well and is there for me when I need him and also very affectionate ...however he has broken up with me a couple of times. We never stayed broken up for longer than one night but being rejected like that has taken its toll on my confidence....so yes I can feel insecure in this relationship sometimes but I don't think that's unreasonable.

I think I gave the impression that I had a fairy tale ideology about telling him I love him. This is not the case. I went to huge amounts of effort to meet him that night ( he knew about this ). i also was quite unwell and still ploughed through my workload to meet him...again he knew this. i got dressed up drove over an hour and was greeted with bad humour. The next day he was being selfish and could not have picked worse timing to argue with me if he tried. I was utterly disappointed as I was so excited to see him and tell him how important he is to me...and we ended up having a huge argument, I think this has changed how I felt for him. I felt no appreciation for the effort I made to see him.

I did tell him over the summer last year that I thought I was falling in love with him- this lead to him freaking out and we actually broke up for a night :-0 nothing is ever straight forward...

But most of the the time his actions indicate he loves me but I think I can be excused for needing to hear that he actually wants a future with me and that I'm not wasting my time with him.

Given the way he's behaved in the past is this not reasonable?

cactusgal

Guest for now wrote: »

Hi op here.

I did tell him over the summer last year that I thought I was falling in love with him- this lead to him freaking out and we actually broke up for a night :-0 nothing is ever straight forward...

But most of the the time his actions indicate he loves me but I think I can be excused for needing to hear that he actually wants a future with me and that I'm not wasting my time with him.

Given the way he's behaved in the past is this not reasonable?

I don't know, OP. Given the fact that he's actually broken up with you after you telling him that you loved him - that is pretty extreme. And it's certainly not a very loving action.

My boyfriend has a hard time talking about feelings and I knew this going into it. I told him I loved him first, and he didn't say it back to me at first. But he always treated me very lovingly, so it didn't worry me too too much. Over time and becoming more comfortable together, he does say it to me now, which is lovely, but honestly, his actions are more important than his words.

Does your guy make you feel loved, important, valuable, and special? If not - then I think you've answered your own question.

Take care of yourself xx

Matteroffact

I think that the time has come for you to declare how you feel to this guy and let the chips fall where they may. If he takes for the hills then so be it. You are both coming across as being too cautious and something has to give. You are with him for a year and a half now and you are entitled to be in love with him after this time and if he doesn't feel the same then it is time you broke up with him. It is not up to him to call the shots in this relationship anymore. You are entitled to have your feelings reciprocated at this stage of the game and if he doesn't know how he feels then give him the boot. Enough is enough.