short story in progress

epesapart

Im writing for a little online course im doing through a blog and would like some feedback before i send it off to the blogger forum..
There are probably many mistakes in terms of where qutation marks are positioned.
i have to finish it off in about another 1000 or 2000 words... so im going to make a sharp turn or so...

epesapart

DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T?

“Well it was a beautiful mass” said Mrs. Flynn, Puke, I thought “Yes Mary, I thought it was lovely with the choir” I said. Don't upset the apple cart, I know I hate coming over here but after 15 years of tradition I’m here now. MY mind was beginning to reel and lash out at me for not doing something else tonight. For having no other place to go on Christmas eve. “Steady” I told myself, there's plenty of drink here , just knock a couple of quick ones back and focus on the next drink. I couldn't be drinking too quickly though or else there would all see me. The Big fat lump drinking away and getting pissed as usual. In walked the local Doctor and his wife flashing smiles around the room only to land on me like a nose dive and give me a good old checkin over. I edged myself over towards the counter top so I could admire all the food and pretend to enjoy myself for their benefit. “Beautiful spread as always Mary” said Dr. Mac , His Wife in agreement. Mary Flynn was now beaming and red as a beet and looked genuinely happy. Beside the counter of food Mr. Flynn was preparing a couple of drinks “2 Reds” said Dr. Mac. Mr Flynn looked into my eyes and gave a little smile. Mr Flynn knew I didn't enjoy these evenings and kept a keen eye on me as I would pour drink after drink. I took a walk into the sitting room with my large glass of red. My mother was sitting on the couch inside and talking away about nothing in particular with the Parish priest. I cut them in mid-sentence when I thought about something seemingly funny to say ”you let us out early this year father” My mother’s eyes were like sniper scopes, I had really only said something to rise her a little. “A ha, sure if I saw you at mass a little bit more often then id only be too glad to quicken up the sermon”. “well” I said “it’s a nice thing on a Christmas to get out a little quicker, the Church does be freezen towards the end” I thought my mother was going to have a stroke at this stage so I tipped him in the shoulder jokingly and asked him a little question about the bible to get my ma's pulse down. “Only 6 of the Apostels were fishermen” said the Father, “ the others were a mixture of bakers and carpenters” this was for the sake of my mother , if I had him to myself I would be asking him about the prophesied secret of Judea, where it was foretold that the lakes would dry up around the big cities in the world, I would of followed it up with a good swift kick in the nads about Homosexuality in new celebrants and the recent scandals about Chaplins using escort services. He had a real austere smile so we silently agreed to move on.
In the Kitchen I could hear another couple coming. It was Johanna and Philip. Johanna was a wise old woman getting on in years and Philip was just her equal. They were always rumored to be having an affair since both their spouses were dead long ago, but they never put anyone any wiser about it. My glass was getting lighter so I put an eye on my mothers glass and kindly offered her a refill. Taking her glass I went out to the kitchen and over to the counter. Nobody around so I filled two glasses. Munching on a few salted crackers and cheese loudly to make myself known. Filling my glass almost to the brim and my mothers half way I took a good slug before I would be passing anyone else in on my way back.
Mrs. Flynn and her husband were in a big conversation with the Doctor and his wife about the recent privatization of the river view clinic. “same old same old, people who can afford the cost are put to knifepoint by the minister” Jack Flynn was growing louder, so I quickly popped into the sitting room, I would go back out after a few more drinks when I was properly armed to do some ****-stirring. “blind attacks” I heard from the doctor, who of course would relish any privatization of the medical system seen as his son was going to be studying medicine in trinity next year. And thank **** he wasn't here I thought to myself. That son of his had been talking about studying to be a doctor since he was 9. I was probably 7 years older than him that time and he said one day that “ I definitely wont operate on you” . I took this as an insult to be remembered for a long time and still relished that I could actually remember it with such clarity. I actually thought in my madness that this was the reason why he didn't come to the Annual Christmas eve party many years. Id go into discussions with him about things in medicine he wouldn't have an asses fart about and watch him get all flustered up and wait for him to attach me with the “sure what would you know, your only a Laborer” the Only drawn out to get a good foot.
Returning back into the sitting room the Priest was looking bored. He wasn't a very old man and I always sensed that he ended up in priesthood out of necessity rather than faith. My mother was going on and on about something about Queencakes, the Father nodding and nodding and murmuring little yes’s and hmmm’s listening away . I suppose most women of my mother’s age were the same, they always thought a priest was listening very attentively to anything they were saying . I sat down nearer the fire this time and just listened away, zoning in and out of the different conversations going on. The clinks of glasses, the fits of laughter and the sort of animal noises beyond the voices, the snorting and the clearing of throats. I took another big slug, oh the wine was just right, above room temperature like winter wine should be and didn’t burn as it went down, good wine was always bought here for Christmas anyway. I was playing with a piece of wax on my finger from a nearby candle, starting to feel a little self-conscious of not talking with anyone. If only I had a brother I thought, with just me and my mother living at the home house we were sick of looking at each others faces, but I’m not sure if she knew that was why we were toxic to each other..
Outside I Johanna talking on the Phone, her daughter from the US had called, instead of going into another room or anything she had to talk like crazy to hear her. I prayed the connection would be cut . Then the Father asked me a question “and will you be searching for a girl this year?” “Oh, I don’t know Father, I’m getting too settled already and I’m pushing 30” Why I said this I didn’t even know, first thing that came to me. I was feeling a little embarrassed. “A Big Handsome Man like yourself should be the catch”. Now I knew what they had been talking about there on the couch all the while. Oh my mother would do this at many an occasion, she would love to find some bucktoothed old simpleton to set me up with. Like the time a neighbour wanted to set me up with their daughter for a dance, cohooting with my mother. They had a huge farm and my mother was thinking this was going to be great, marrying into 200 acres. It was an Equestrian ball and I don't think my conscience would have survived if I made my way with this Particular lady, “she'd get lost among a stables” a buddy of mine one said and we chuckled about it.
“I was actually thinking of heading off abroad next year Father” , my mother straightened her back, “yes I think it would do me good to get out of Ireland for a while and see a little of the other side of the Planet” “Really” said the Father ,taken back, “yes, sure with everyone going these days I thought I might as well, at least think about it anyway before I get too settled” , “Well I'm happy to hear” he said this genuinely, whatever stuck us together was something maybe akin to a brotherhood, l didn't think he gave a rats arse about many of the People here and only for there being Whiskey ,I’m sure his stay would have been many an hour less. “anywhere in Mind?” he said , My mother was feeling rather left out so at this pint decided to go blabbering on about all the young lads who were gone off to Australia, so for the next 10 minutes me and the father were either looking at her or into space. Seeing that the Father needed a drink I offered, my mother was a little drunk by now and was slow on her last one, at least I could be of some use filling drinks. “I’l take that for you Father” taking his glass I headed for the Kitchen, My face was getting quite flushed by now and the smell of food was making me hungry, so I was looking forward to the soup and Beef. Filling the Drinks the Doctor was close by me “and how are you keeping Charlie?” “Never Better” I told him, “As long as there are some Friendly People, nice food and a few drinks its hard to be unhappy” , all this was in the reverse order of course, as my hand was pouring I thought of the beautiful ruby the wine made as it flowed in the glass, I imagined it looked very much like the additive we used on the site for mixing with Plaster, I quickly thought about drinking the one at site and imagined the slow death. “Em, hows that son of your doing Dr. Mac, finished the leaving, is he worried about the points?” I slowed up the points as to emphasize my utter lack of interest in the question , he didn't seem to notice and looked convincingly like I cared “ oh, sure its the big one, 590 you know, knuckle down and all” I took a big slug, decided that I would finish off a quick drink right here and refill before I went back to Father, this made me pleased so I didn't have to act much and continued talking about his son's Raymond’s future. I flattered him with some good ones and one him over with all sorts of niceties about having a great man on the inside. As I was filling up another one for myself, he looked into my eyes, this time I thought not to see if I was listening to him or ball hopping him but like he was looking to check my health. Dirty bastard I thought so I winked at him and excused to give the Father his Drink.

epesapart

anyone?

Del.Monte

I'm afraid you need to go back to the drawing board. Your piece is absolutely littered with spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and more. As I said on another reply to a similar thread - the use of Word and the Spelling & Grammar checker would pick up a lot of these errors.

http://spellcheckplus.com/ might also be a helpful tool.

epesapart

The drawing board is also a little cracked....thank you for i dare say pointing out the Obvious Del.monte...
BUt i asked for it..."ok,back to the drawing board" says old Monte

Oryx

I started it, but I didn't finish it. All the 'he said' 'she said' with no real exposition, I lost the will to go on. And I am ocd about punctuation and spelling too, so that didn't help.

Start again. Don't worry too much about all the detail of what you did and how you felt unless it tells me something and pushes the story forward. Edit, copiously, and find your story beneath all the padding.

epesapart

ok yes....it is too lengthy for a short story without saying anything concrete..
thank you Oryx...

epesapart

right il take the advise and continue with story then edit like a mother..thanks guys;p

nervous_twitch

I thought this was fantastic; it's a little hard to read, sure, (wall of text, punctuation etc) but there is a pace and rhythm to it that is so endearing. It's jumpy, in a good way, sort of like your protagonist ambling from drink to drink.

I thought it was hilarious, too. I like your characters, the tongue-in-cheek attack on rural Ireland and all that entails. You've got a knack for dialogue/observation; it's very natural, comedic and not stilted in any way. Is playwriting something you've considered? This is a piece that would work well on stage. Only criticism might be the lack of anything really happening but sometimes that isn't too important if the writing can stand to itself. In this case, it does. I would read more (maybe get working on the functional aspects of your English though, people won't take your writing seriously unless they think you're taking it seriously!).

epesapart

this has made me brew a whole pot of coffee NT...
i have no education in writing...from what appears in the mind is what i put down..yes lacking the cutting tools big time to put into
something less strenuous on the eyeballs..
i write some poetry and blog a little online...im working on a longer piece(novel) but im finding im getting cought in the bush regards many elements...
As i am not in a circle of artists im not sure how to do things like playwriting.
after all this , i thank you for your wise words..
I shall make an effort to finish off the story now for you

epesapart

Continued........

Back in the living room my mother was still going on about travelling and how it was never in this family to head abroad. She was telling the Father that my Dad and his dad wouldn't travel farther than a cow dung. The priest holding back a laugh and taking the drink off me with a kind smile changed to the subject of Food, "I’m famished I tell you", bending over a little at waist to settle his stomach. We all drank quietly for a few moments.
Philip appeared at the door "Monsieurs and Madame" he said "dinner is served" Philip had a white goatee and appeared for all likeness as a Frenchman, he was not a bad ol’ devil, fond of travel and wine.
Around the dinner table we all seated. No attention paid to me as always so I gave a loud cough to squeeze in around the back, “oh, excuse me" the Doctor hopping on his chair. It was delicious, spiced beef and beautiful Greek salad, finest herb soup slightly spiced also without leaving the mouth raw. Philip toasted to the hosts. Clinks all round. "Now eat up, and get plenty" said Mary Flynn. I mustered up the courage to ask for the bread rolls down the table, passing several hands to my hungry paws. I had a full plate and looked into it, steadily demolishing it in time with the others. "Hard time of the year for the builders Charlie" said Philip, with the Priest nodding in support. "yes it’s quite cold, the hands are a fecker in the mornings, but it doesn’t take long to get warmed up with the speed of the lads" I said. Outside the wind rattling which gave more gusto to the food? "you’d be wanting a whiskey to start these early mornings" said Philip, I smiled back at him, bypassing my usual nagan in the lunchbag for fear of my mother choking.
General chit chat about family was spoken of with the usual talk of trouble in the world and the poor hungry creators. I asked Philip had he any travel plans for the New Year. Johanna paying good attention by staring into the plate busily eating, "with the new Shannon Routes I will take advantage of them ,maybe Europe " he said, the Doctor then of course moving onto Business with the Air Lingus take over "it’s a crying shame no one in Air Lingus has the cop on to sell private shares" Yes, said Mr. Flynn adding "and set up an independent shareholding bond" the self-loathing was beginning to rise in me, while the Doctor and Mr. Flynn passed it back and forth between each other using language that kept them and us in position. Up pipes the priest "Charlie is thinking of heading abroad", i could feel a strong blush coming on and did my best to stifle it ,"Oh , Charlie, this is good news" said Mrs Flynn, "this is your first time outside Ireland" she added. That did it, my face was consumed in fire. "Oh I was thinking about it alright" I said "you should more than think about it" said Philip ,"there’s nothing here in Killoboghnagh, on the buildings anyway" I liked my life here, simple, fresh morning air, bit if banter with the lads and hard work, but I was too proud to back down now. "Well Australia seems like a good spot for Construction now, maybe could even get a trade to boot" . I never felt as depressed, my glass was empty as well. I should have never said a bleddy thing about it.
On the way home my mother said she'd call Uncle Frank. He lived in Victoria. Things seemed set in motion now and I was only really gasin. "i suppose it wouldn’t do any harm anyway" I told her. She seemed happier. Had I shot myself in the foot with all my smartness. Crawling back home on the foggy boy road I imagined next year, like Johanna, would it be my mother roaring down the Phone.........