Flatmate's friend here a month....

InPsyDer

I'm a bit stuck on how to handle this. My flatmate has a friend sleeping on our couch the last month (it was supposed to be just a couple of days). He is a nice guy and was staying here while looking for work/organising to move into his own place. However through no fault of his it's not coming together as planned and he is still nowhere near finding a room. I spoke to my flatmate a week ago and told her I thought a month was pretty generous for a guest to stay (particularly since another pal of hers already stays constantly) and could she wind it up by Feb.

From chatting to him today its clear she's said nothing to him about that so I didn't either. The problem for me is that I want my house and lounge back, yet I know if I insist he leaves, he will have to go pay for a hostel on the little cash he has and I'll be the bad guy. Its cr4p for him as he's obviously been told its fine he's here but I dont know what to do, he uses heating and utilities and he's just constantly there!!

I like and get on with my flatmate but I just seem to have a completely different scale as to what's reasonable for guests - I dont want bad vibes in the house but I'm getting impatient with the whole thing. Advice would be great?!

Leo12

Oh dear, what a horrible situation. I feel for you as you want your place back but also this guy still has no where to stay.... has he found a job do you know as he won't be able to move until he does. Its the weekend soon and you will just have to sit down and have a honest chat with your flatmate and try to come up with a solution. Can she help him find work? Are you in an area where there is employment?

Big Bag of Chips

Is she the only other person he knows in the whole world? Could he not sleep on another friend's couch for a while? What do you mean she has another friend who stays there all the time too? Are you subsidising her friends to live rent free?

At this stage I'd get the landlord involved. Are they aware of all these extra people who are staying in the house on a permanent basis? Would they care?

Stavro Mueller

I can't see this ending well - you've got a lot of ground to claw back. Your problem's not just this guy who's hogging your sofa. It's your flatmate's friend who's staying constantly. To say your flatmate has a different idea of what's reasonable for guest is being generous. In my opinion she's taking the p!$$ big time and walking all over you. You're going to have to put your foot down I'm afraid. Would I be far off the mark if I said your flatmate sees you as a soft touch? I don't think any reasonable person would do that to their flatmate.

What is the situation regarding leases etc? Can you move? Can she move? I think this is going to end badly no matter how you broach the subject.

zoobizoo

Why not tell her that he can stay for another month til he gets sorted but it will have to be in her room.

It's unfair on you to have to deal with it.

ted1

zoobizoo wrote: »

Why not tell her that he can stay for another month til he gets sorted but it will have to be in her room.

It's unfair on you to have to deal with it.

Another month? Get real, I'd say till next weekend and he's to stay in her room.

trio

You don't even need to give a timeframe.

Just say "I'm happy for him to stay as long as he needs to as long as he stays in your room"

If she objects you can look all magnaminous and remind her you're cool with the poor guy staying forever if needs be, as you know how stuck he is. But everybody needs to be willing to compromise here, y'know?

She'll have him out in a week, I guarantee it.

Dr. Lollington

People offering the advice of telling her he has to sleep in her room etc... it's never really that simple when it comes to flatsharing. She'll probably take huge offence to that and think badly of him for doing so. The fact that she's allowed the guy to live on the couch for a month without considering her flatmate is proof enough that she doesn't think it's a bad thing at all. I had some really inconsiderate flatmates in the past, and after cleaning up after them constantly, being kept awake all night by them, I just had to accept that you can't change some people when it comes to flatsharing and you have to do your darndest to move out and live in a filthy cheap bedsit. At least you'll have peace and quiet.

InPsyDer

Yeah, its hard to see any resolution where everyone is happy. I will have to chat to my flatmate about it again, I feel awful though to kick this guy out. He came over to Ireland to find work, and did start a job but the hours ended up being cut to nearly nothing. He really doesn't have anywhere else to go except a hostel.

My flatmate is super laid back and I think that's why she can't see the problem with a long-term couch-camper. If the roles were reversed and a friend of mine was staying for ages I am sure she wouldn't mind at all. However:
a) I do mind!
b) I would never have put my flatmates in that position, especially without even giving us a heads-up.

I suppose I'm really trying to get perspective and see what other people would do. Just hate having to choose between looking after a stranger's interests or my own and feeling bad either way!

Meathlass

You need to put the foot down OP. I presume this guy is living rent and utility free? It's not your fault that he came to another country without enough money to sustain him while he job hunted. You mention that he can't find a room - really, he can't find a room in a shared house in all of Dublin?

You also mention another friend who's constantly staying. You need to sit down with your flatmate and work out how many nights a week it's appropriate to have another person in the house (that might be 1 night a week on a couch or 2 nights in a person's room) I can't stand people staying long term on couches. You feel you constantly have to apologise for wanting to watch tv in your own house and you end up going to bed early or getting up late so you don't disturb them.

Sit down with her this weekend and lay down some ground rules.

tinz18

OP is he contributing to bills or anything? I understand that you feel sorry for him but in all fairness it's a bit much to come to a country and take over someones living room for a full month. I don't know anyone who wouldn't have proper accommodation and a job sorted before coming here and if they didn't have the job they'd have the savings to tide them by- if not they went home.
If it was two weeks it would be pushing it in my books (even though I share with my boyfriend) but a month is taking the mick and I would generally let these things slide. You should sit her down and tell her that you were okay with the couple of days but its gone way way past that and something needs to change either he moves into her room or he finds elsewhere to stay- if she gets offended that's her problem. You should look after your own interests because everyone else does likewise.

Katgurl

InPsyDer wrote: »

Yeah, its hard to see any resolution where everyone is happy. I will have to chat to my flatmate about it again, I feel awful though to kick this guy out. He came over to Ireland to find work, and did start a job but the hours ended up being cut to nearly nothing. He really doesn't have anywhere else to go except a hostel.

My flatmate is super laid back and I think that's why she can't see the problem with a long-term couch-camper. If the roles were reversed and a friend of mine was staying for ages I am sure she wouldn't mind at all. However:
a) I do mind!
b) I would never have put my flatmates in that position, especially without even giving us a heads-up.

I suppose I'm really trying to get perspective and see what other people would do. Just hate having to choose between looking after a stranger's interests or my own and feeling bad either way!

That's the crux of the problem right there IMO. I had a sort of similar situation with an ex-flatnate and everyone calling her inconsiderate or selfish missed that point - if it was my friend she wouldn't have cared either. Before moving in with me she had lived on her own and was always super chilled "you can come live with me for a few weeks if uoU need a break, here are the spare keys"

Look you need to be straight. You're not a tyrant because you want your own space that you pay for. This has gone on way too long. You need to talk to your housemate again and say its not fair and it's making your living conditions very unpleasant. Say he needs to move into her room and the bills need to be split between everyone. Say a plan needs to be made for him to be leaving in the next month because you did not agree to live with two people.

You just need to be honest!

Meathlass

I wouldn't advise suggesting that he move into her room. You could very easily end up in a situation where he stays there permently with utilities split 3 ways and he chipping in a bit for her rent leaving you paying full rent for only 1/3 as opposed to 1/2 use of the common areas. If you don't want to live with 2 people then I'd make sure he leaves completely.

And you need to tackle the problem of this other friend always staying over. You didn't put your foot down about that initially and it's led to this situation.

Tokyo

I'm all for being a good Samaritan to people, but a month is more than reasonable on your part and it's obviously gotten to the point where you now feel uncomfortable in your own home. You haven't just been putting a roof over his head, you have been paying for his utilities too, which can add up to quite a bit over time. It's also worth bearing in mind that this could have an adverse effect for both of you, should your landlord somehow find out that you have effectively moved a third person in for a lengthy period of time, and there may actually be a clause in your lease forbidding it.

You need to talk to your housemate and be polite but firm about your feelings on this, and honestly, I'd give it a week, maximum, for him to find another friend to stay with.

LLMMML

Another possibility is to grin and bear it as long as he's actually looking for work and hasn't just given up and is vegging on your couch all day. It's quite possible that he will find work and move out, and you'll have helped someone out. It's also possible if you accept this situation then it will annoy you less.

InPsyDer

Soooo we had a chat and she has now arranged for him to move to one of her friend's sofas! I'm so relieved. Hoping it wont happen again. Thanks for the feedback everyone :-)

jimd2

I would actually have more of an issue with the other friend staying there permanently. Is he paying towards rent etc? Did she ask you can she move him in?

Regarding the guy on the couch, you could ask him regularly how is the work situation & flat hunting and the frequency of requests will be a pretty strong hint. Does he repeat to you that he is appreciative of the help you are giving him by allowing him to stay?

Regarding your flatmate and her failure to speak to him. Ask her how did the conversation go. Don't put a gun to her head but gradually crank up the pressure as well as asking does he have other friends/ family that he could stay with.

But, as I wrote above, you need to ensure that the arrangements with the permanent live in "friend" are to your satisfaction.

edit..just saw your last post, twas on a new page.

InPsyDer

I am still planning to work on the other friend staying all the time - next month's project haha! I was more than obvious with leading questions about work and accom with couch guy but he either didn't get the hint or didn't care....oh well he's someone else's problem now!

GAAman

Unless this other person gets fecked off in the same way you did and couch jockey gets bounced back to your place.

Make sure it's understood that bridge hasn't been burned, it was nuked!