the opening to a story i am writing

science101

Hi all, I was just wondering what you thought about the opening to a story I started writing. The story type would be a survivalist Sci Fi and my first attempt at writing so below is the start of the first chapter

Day 1
I woke up on a bed with no idea how long I was out, must of been a while that cheap style mattress that made you feel like you were sleeping on a slab of cold concrete was really doing a number on my back. When my eyes opened, it was almost painful to see the light. It’s as if they were closed for a long time.


My mind was devoid of all thoughts, as I was lying there I was waiting for experiences and memories to fill my mind but none did. Trying to remember something or just anything but there was nothing, only nothing. I felt weak, my strength was completely sapped. I raised my body slowly and sat up just looking around. In my immediate surroundings a bedside table knocked over on one side, lamp thrown against the wall and the door of a wardrobe broken into as if it suffering from an impact against it. A scene of a struggle here and I didn’t have any memory of it.


I was dizzy for the first few minutes just sitting there before I stood that I tried to walk. As I stood up I saw my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t recognise the man staring back at me. Who was I? Where was I? Why can’t I remember who I am? I ran my hands over the features of my face hoping to trigger some sort of familiarity that would tell me that this was who I am but it was just total emptiness inside. Was this really me or a complete stranger? Looking at my appearance I definitely looked like I had been through hell and back. Cuts and bruises on my body and pieces of cloth ripped out of the blue and green plaid shirt I was wearing. I checked my pockets hoping to find some clues about who I was. A wallet with just a picture of me inside. I was standing outside some monument in the middle of some city. Nothing I could recognise. The photo looked old, this was the only clue to the past I had but completely forgotten. I put the photo gently back in the wallet and back in my pocket. I still felt dizzy so the chair next to the bed, I had to grab it just keep my balance. That’s when everything changed, I saw the world outside.


It was daylight in what seemed like the middle of a town. Where was I and why was the street completely deserted and in total ruin? I asked myself. I turned around and had a look at the rest of the room I was in. Nothing fancy, lamp on the bedside table while the other was smashed, walls that haven’t been painted for years. Ceiling just a light shade of yellow now from its original white. Just a corner room on a first floor in the middle of somewhere. There was a small closet on the far side of the room and I decided to check it out. Forcing the broken doors open I saw a backpack and a jacket inside. I took the jacket and checked the backpack. Two bottles of water, a knife and some power bars. I took everything with me and headed for the door.


The door handle was stuck as if the door was jammed. It took all of my weight against the door just to open it. I looked down the hallway, the lights flickered on and off, and there were red stains on the floor leading down the hallway going past my room. It looked fresh, maybe a day or 2 old at most. It looked as if someone was dragged down the hallway and out towards the exit of the hotel.


I took a few steps, slowly at first, creeping down the hallway as quietly as humanly possible. As I reached the end I could hear the noise my boots were making as they stepped on broken bloodied glass. Raising up my foot I could see a shard stuck in my boot, picking it out I kept it with me and when I got to the reception of the hotel I was comparing it to the window that was broken. The piece of glass felt heavy in my hand. I let it drop and as I examined the whole that was made I could see a piece of cloth caught in the whole with the same pattern on it as the shirt I was wearing. Did I smash this window? As I climbed through and walked a few steps and found myself in the middle of the street. I looked down both sides of the road the thoughts were coming to my mind “what’s going on in this town? Was I truly alone?”

HTP1989

The only advice I would feel confident giving to you is edit. I know it is probably a very early draft, but there are many rudimentary errors. Your opening sentence is a perfect example of it:
"I woke up on a bed with no idea how long I was out, must of been a while that cheap style mattress that made you feel like you were sleeping on a slab of cold concrete was really doing a number on my back."

"Must of been a while". The sentence should read, "must have been a while". Even at that you should have 'it' and the beginning and be a separate sentence from the first. The rest of the sentence is a mess, also.

Try to avoid the passive voice where possible. What's the old Orwell saying, 'Never use the passive voice when you can use the active'? Something like that, anyway.

The last point I will make is: fill out your sentences. "Nothing I could recognise" should read as 'There was nothing I could recognise'. It makes the sentence more fluid, as such.

Best of luck with your endeavour, but always bear in mind grammar, sentence structure and so on. Everyone will make mistakes, I notorious for making them, but you need to be concious of this. You could have the best story in the world but if it is uncomfortable to read it may as well not have been written.

Oryx

All description is done in terms of 'I did' or 'it was'. You need to find ways around that. Its repetitive and irritating. Also all your description is based on how things look. Flesh it out. Sound, smell, emotion, temperature. Make it real.

Das Kitty

I think you're over writing. You're saying the same thing more than once in a slightly different way throughout.

I'd also agree strongly with Oryx.

It actually feels like the start of a survival computer game.