To tell a child's mother her daughter stole a toy - or not?

Dades

Looking for opinions on a dilemma.

We are 99% certain one of our 6 yr old daughters best friends stole a Sylvanian Family toy from our house. It went missing the afternoon of a playdate, and the friend had the exact same character (there are hundreds - and she had none previously) in her hand the next day at home claiming her cousin gave her it. My wife also spotted her stuffing a doll's outfit up her coat sleeve that afternoon and just quietly removed it.

The problem is it has really upset my daughter (tears every day) because she only had the four figures and also, I think, because she knows inside her friend took it. She even asked her and she denied it. We've given her the opportunity to smuggle it back or return it, but nothing.

Do we suck it up, buy a new set of 4 and have the mummy doll "turn up" and the friend get away with it? Or do we gently suggest to the girls mum - who lives up the road and see every day - that her daughter might have swiped a toy?

I just don't think you know how people will react, and without actually having DNA evidence it's best to put up and shut up this time. People can be blinkered when their own kids are involved.

Thoughts?

CiboC

That is really awkward, the only diplomatic option I can see is to say to the other mother that your daughter has 'lost it' and is upset about it - could she have left it behind in her house, has she seen it lying around there anywhere?

She should know if it is her daughter's toy or not and I think most people would just return it without any drama.

Dades

Thanks, I'm not sure the mother pays too much attention to what he daughter has or hasn't from one day to the next. She does get toys from her older cousin (though she wasn't there last week) so different stuff appears occasionally.

At this stage it's hard to mention it without the mum copping on that we're getting at something bigger then a "missing" toy.

Awkward is right!

hoodwinked

how expensive is the set of 4?

the reason i ask is i know sylvanian families can be pricey, but if its €20 or less i would "re-appear" the mummy,

if it's more than that i would do as suggested above and ask the mother if she's seen it lying around, but chances are you will have to buy the set again.

i probably would get a bit bitchy though and gift that child the remaining three characters on her birthday (or christmas if thats sooner) if i did have to buy the set again (plus it would ensure she had no reason to take those remaining three from your daughter)

Dades

€20 for a family of four, but it's not about the money at all.

It's about knowing what was gotten away with - and who will think they got away with it when we have to lie to our own daughter.

bp

That is honestly a hard one. I would ask the mother if she has seen it - it may be a little obvious but better than a confrontation.

Also look at why the 6 year old is stealing - could there be issues at home?

uck51js9zml2yt

Use diplomacy.
Mention that the went missing and is it possible her daughter might have picked it up by "accident"

And then strip search the kid every time she visits

Tasden

Id just say its gone missing and did it happen to turn up at their house after last play date. No accusations just asking if the kid has it.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, I'd go with asking the mother if it's in her house. Surely if you ask, the mother finds it, and the little one claims that her cousin gave her exactly that toy, at exactly the same time that your daughter's went missing the mother will put 2 and 2 together?

I know the money is irrelevant, but it's your daughter's toy. She knows where it is, and if you are trying to teach her that it's not nice to take things that don't belong to her, then you have to follow this up.

I wouldn't think too deep into a 6 year old stealing someone else's toys. It wouldn't immediately have me wondering what's happening in the child's life! I think it's as simple as she saw it, liked it, wanted it and took it! The reason she's hiding it or lying about it is because she knows it's wrong.

Moonbeam

I would say oh I think your daughter accidently took blah home ,could you check please.

Sligo1

Yep definitely just mention to the mother you think her daughter "accidentally" took (describe here) doll home. And ask her to have a look for it as your daughter has been looking for it everywhere. Definitely do not say anything about stealing etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Everyone knows "I think your daughter accidentally took" is code for "I know your daughter took"! Just ask her is it in her house, you're after asking a few others to check too etc.

Dades

Thanks for the replies!

I think the "we're missing a toy, could you check" ship has sailed. That afternoon the 'defendant' said in front of her mother, my daughter and my wife that she got the toy from her cousin. Unfortunately this was before we realised ours had gone walkabout.

So the mum knows we already know she has a identical doll, so any questions as to whether she has seen such a doll will be seen for what they are - an accusation of a crime most foul. :pac:

Am thinking of casually telling the friend that we're going to ask all the mummies of the girls who were in house recently if this doll has appeared in their houses, as we think it was stolen. Hoping she'll know her goose is cooked if her mum gets wind of her crime and something might happen.

Seriously, it's like House of Cards with 6 years olds!

piperh

Another vote for just asking the mother if she's seen it.

To be honest while it's not nice it's not unusual for young children to "accidentally" take anothers toy. It's rarely anything more sinister than simply I want. Teach your daughter that it's not nice but don't dwell on it.

* sorry just seen you think that have you seen is to late. In which case you are right saying you are going to mention it to all mommies.

Dades

I don't resent the kid at all.

Children are born sociopaths and their moral codes develop differently! I just hate lying my own daughter and for her to think her friend would do that and not ever admit it.

hoodwinked

have you thought about having another playdate and seeing if the cousin "gives" her another toys that has gone missing from yours? at least then you'd know if it's going to be a continuous problem and if she lied about it on purpose rather than in a once off panic.

Big Bag of Chips

In that case I would go straight to the child!! Clever little madam! Ask her is she sure she got it from her cousin, because your daughter's one is missing and you are going to ask all the mams to check.

How well do you know the mam? If you know her fairly well I think you should go to her and just tell her that your daughter's one is missing and she thinks her daughter might have taken it. I think any reasonable parent would accept you saying that and would definitely follow up with the child...

Is she a reasonable parent, do you think?

Paulownia

Do children not often take things home with them? At 6 years of age they haven't really worked out morality about such things, but when my kids were young we watched and if strange things appeared we inquisitioned them and sent them back from whence they came. Unless the mother is over protective of her child you can ask, you are both adults and parents

Dades

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How well do you know the mam? If you know her fairly well I think you should go to her and just tell her that your daughter's one is missing and she thinks her daughter might have taken it. I think any reasonable parent would accept you saying that and would definitely follow up with the child...

Is she a reasonable parent, do you think?

TBH, I think the mom would be cool about it - possibly even appreciative. She's very nice and all our kids play together during the summer on the street. I brought the defendent to school on Monday with my daughter! But there's always the chance that people surprise you and it would be awful be hurt the neighbourly relationship.

My wife is pretty mad about this and suspect she will (diplomatically) say something to the mum regardless of whether I think it's wise.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's fair to go to the mother. And if your wife is happy to do it, then she should. You have to stand up for your daughter here! She's too small to do it for herself so you can't let it go, for her sake. Awkward conversation, but let your wife handle that bit!

miezekatze

I did something like that when I was 3 or 4, someone noticed and told my mum. Got a lecture from her, and I never stole anything again after that. In my case I just wanted that toy and didn't understand that it was wrong to take it. I'd tell the other child's mother.

mrbrianj

Step back a minute, look a the big picture.
Dont worry about the other child "getting away" with anything. Not your kid not your problem in 15 years time!

To broach this with the mother, no matter how nicely you phase it, could lead to a falling out between parents. Children will fall in an out of friendships, its best to let them deal with that. Parents seem to fall out for good, and bring the kids with them.

You have to decide if this a case of a 6 year old thats still learning right from wrong and morals - (we all make mistakes) or if you are happy with this kid hanging around your kid.
So either get over it, and check out Sylivians on ebay or discreetly cut out the play dates with no hassle or issue.

Dades

^^ This has always been my attitude. Don't risk causing a rift by bringing it up.

They're in school together, as well as loads of extracurricular activities. There might be developments - and I can't vouch for my wife - but things will go on as before. Sucks a bit, but there ya go.

There's a hedgehog family coming home tonight. And pockets and bags will be subtly checked after future playdates.

CarpeDiem85

As a 6 year old, you always want what you can't have. Around that age, I remember going shopping with my family and I tried to steal a pen from a shop. My older brother caught me, made me put it back and I never did it again. I don't think your daughter's friend is a bad egg, just young and without boundaries as of yet. I would say it to her parents that if they see an extra of your daughter's toy lying about their house, that it possibly belongs to your child. I wouldn't accuse or demand it back as it will be very upsetting for their daughter and yours especially if you aren't 100% sure she took it and especially at such a young age. The next time the friend is over on a playdate, as subtle as you can be, I would emphasise but not directly to her how much your daughter loved the toy and how sad she felt when the toy went missing. She might feel guilty and fess up. I would also say it to your daughter that she can't lend out her toys. I'm not saying she did but sometimes children let other children take their toys, never to be seen again. I know it happened to me a few times when I was young.

Dades

CarpeDiem85 wrote: »

The next time the friend is over on a playdate, as subtle as you can be, I would emphasise but not directly to her how much your daughter loved the toy and how sad she felt when the toy went missing. She might feel guilty and fess up.

Tried that last Saturday! Straight out denied it!

CarpeDiem85

I think I would let it slide this time. The toy can be replaced but not their friendship especially if they are doing so much together. I would encourage your child to be extra vigilant with her toys. I think I take this stance as they are only 6, if they were 16, then it would be a completely different story. If toys ever went missing from your home again, then I'd be asking serious questions but it might really blow up into a horrible situation otherwise. One which I would try to ignore this time but not again. Hopefully the guilt might overcome her and she might own up in the mean time.

Big Bag of Chips

You could always tell your daughter next time she's over there to sneak it back

They're 6. They'll get over it.

LegacyUser

Your daughter knows her friend has the toy, you know her friend has the toy.
The friend hasn't & won't admit to having taken the toy.
I would say to your daughter, if you know **for absolute definite** that this is your toy, and that this girl took it, well then take it back. In the same manner as it was taken. And then deny everything, as per the friend.
It's not PC behavior, but equally your daughter has to be equipped to deal with people who are not as honest as you would like. Call it a life lesson.

ch750536

A 6 year old doesn't 'steal' - conceptually they don't get this. So what if she took a toy home with her, my kids constantly come back with stuff that isn't theirs and vice versa.
Nothing to see here, move on!

or

Call in the SWAT team!

professore

mrbrianj wrote: »

Step back a minute, look a the big picture.
Dont worry about the other child "getting away" with anything. Not your kid not your problem in 15 years time!

To broach this with the mother, no matter how nicely you phase it, could lead to a falling out between parents. Children will fall in an out of friendships, its best to let them deal with that. Parents seem to fall out for good, and bring the kids with them.

You have to decide if this a case of a 6 year old thats still learning right from wrong and morals - (we all make mistakes) or if you are happy with this kid hanging around your kid.
So either get over it, and check out Sylivians on ebay or discreetly cut out the play dates with no hassle or issue.

What about her daughter? You're teaching your own daughter it's OK to steal. Terrible advice IMO.

DubiousV

If it was my child doing the taking and another parent pointed it out to me I would be grateful to be told so I had an opportunity to fix the problem (and of course a bit mortified as well). The child will carry on doing it until corrected.

mrbrianj

professore wrote: »

What about her daughter? You're teaching your own daughter it's OK to steal. Terrible advice IMO.

Where did I say that?

In fact its the complete opposite, the daughter will see how it is wrong to steal.
Punishment or redress is not theirs to dish out.

You think a 6 year old is lead down the wrong path because an other kid stole one of their toys? what do you suggest, use the criminal justice system to get back Mammy Rabbit;)

Big Bag of Chips

I think the point was being made that the child knows her toy was stolen. A toy that she treasures as part of a collection of toys. By her parents telling her to forget it, it won't matter when she's 15 is telling her that even though she's understandably upset her friend is going to get away with it and be allowed keep her toy.

And I do think children can steal. This child is 6, not 3. And she was clever/quick enough to come up with her alibi in front of all the parents so that she wouldn't be questioned. She knew she did wrong and was getting her story in before anyone else could.

biketard

This is a tough one. Something similar happened with one of our kids' toys a couple of years ago and I was absolutely convinced one of their friends had taken it, although I had no evidence other than it having suddenly disappeared after they'd been round.

I didn't say anything about it.

About a year later my son found it in a completely different box to where we would ever have expected it to be (and believe me when I say that we thought we had searched everywhere for it).

Now that said, I think you have very good reason to suspect that girl. If I had a good relationship with the mother, I'd be tempted to explain just how upset your daughter is about having lost that toy. She may end up asking the cousin if she really gave her daughter that toy.

Awkward situation, though. I don't envy you.

Merkin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think the point was being made that the child knows her toy was stolen. A toy that she treasures as part of a collection of toys. By her parents telling her to forget it, it won't matter when she's 15 is telling her that even though she's understandably upset her friend is going to get away with it and be allowed keep her toy.

And I do think children can steal. This child is 6, not 3. And she was clever/quick enough to come up with her alibi in front of all the parents so that she wouldn't be questioned. She knew she did wrong and was getting her story in before anyone else could.

Agree with this, kids at six know what stealing is and this one sounds cute as a fox.

Do you know the cousin by any chance? If so then you talk to the little cousin and find out if she did or didn't give the little one the toy. At least you can be fairly certain then and just talk to the Mum about it. If it was my little one I'd warn to know. It's not the crime of the century but I remember being that age and pinching something and I wasn't allowed out to play for a week, my career as a tea leaf brought to a halt in no short order!!!

zAbbo

Of course a 6 year old pathological liar isn't going to leave any loose ends, expect the cousin to go mysteriously missing. :pac:

Anyway, back in the real world. Just speak to the mother and ask her to check with her child. Most normal mothers would be sympathetic and understand.

January

ch750536 wrote: »

A 6 year old doesn't 'steal' - conceptually they don't get this. So what if she took a toy home with her, my kids constantly come back with stuff that isn't theirs and vice versa.
Nothing to see here, move on!

or

Call in the SWAT team!

If my kids come back from anywhere with toys that are not theirs they are promptly returned at the next available opportunity. I've had toys returned here too that kids have taken (whether intentionally or not I never know but it's never a big deal).

You seriously let your kids keep things they take from others?

Dades

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And I do think children can steal. This child is 6, not 3. And she was clever/quick enough to come up with her alibi in front of all the parents so that she wouldn't be questioned. She knew she did wrong and was getting her story in before anyone else could.

They definitely can steal! And they can also be aware of the consequences of their actions. This lady knows her best friend has been in tears over her lost dog. But little people are Machiavellian, but they're only learning about life still.

Have a potential course of action. I'm prepping my daughter to ask/talk about her missing doll in front of the other mom (they're likely to be in car together in the next few days). Chances are the mom will put 2 and 2 together straight away.

Yeah, it's a bit of a storm in a teacup but interesting to see all the different takes on the scenario!

ch750536

January wrote: »

If my kids come back from anywhere with toys that are not theirs they are promptly returned at the next available opportunity. I've had toys returned here too that kids have taken (whether intentionally or not I never know but it's never a big deal).

You seriously let your kids keep things they take from others?

Of course. House is already full of cheap plastic crap, a bit more will have no impact.

On other planets where sharing happens there's a lot less 'stealing'.

Big Bag of Chips

There's a difference between sharing and stealing. If the friend took a loan of it with the intention of bringing it back or swapping it for something there would be no issue.

But she has taken it, and taken ownership of it, with a cover story, without getting the ok from the other child or their parents.

That's not sharing.. That's taking!

How do you know there is not a subtle sort of bulling going on, the child is suppose to be a good friend of your daughter and knows her friend is upset and didn't return the toy and lied about how they got it.

Dades

It'd have to be that subtle my daughter missed it too! There's no issues between the pair.

teggers5

No advice to offer apart from maybe putting your daughter's name/intials on the new hedgehog family just incase they decide to go walkabout also

Dades

teggers5 wrote: »

No advice to offer apart from maybe putting your daughter's name/intials on the new hedgehog family just incase they decide to go walkabout also

First thing I did.

Tordelback

We've had this a few times with friends of our kids, we've just mentioned it to the parents as being the result of a confusion at home-time ('By any chance did a plastic teapot arrive at your end, we can't find it here...'), and there's never been a problem (yet). We all know that kids steal, and that they know it's wrong (much as dogs do!), but confronting the reality is part of their learning process, as long as it's pointed out calmly that you shouldn't do it. No need for recriminations - it's an important learning opportunity for both parties.

A bigger problem is leaving half their clothing and schoolbooks in someone else's house, necessitating late-night exchanges that everyone could do without!