Pregnancies close together

Thumpette

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone has experience of pregnancies close together? Just over 2 weeks ago we lost our little boy. The pregnancy was completely straight forward with no complications but when I was 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant I had reduced movement and found out little Max's heart had stopped. I gave birth naturally, had a small tear but I'm healing well physically. Really focusing on looking after ourselves- taking long walks every day, eating well and taking pre conception vitimans. I'm hoping that within the next 4 weeks I'll be back to under my pre pregnancy weight. We are really hoping to try again as soon as possible. I know it won't be easy mentally but my GP reckons that physically there's no reason we can't try again right away once I'm healed and have my periods back. I have read that there's more of a risk of complications and miscarraige when pregnancies aren't spread at least 18 months (doctor doesn't feel this is a significant increase in risk) Just wanted to see if anyone here had 2 close pregnancies and whether you found it more difficult? Obviously in most cases a close pregnancy would mean being pregnabt while having a newborn which unfortunately wouldn't be our scenario. Thanks!

contrary_mary

Thumpette I have no direct experience but a friend of mine just had a baby less than a year after her first and had an absolutely wonderful pregnancy - her bump didn't even "pop" that early which surprised me.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself.

pwurple

So sorry thumpette, I read about your loss and couldn't even think of something to say.

If the doctor doesn't feel it's a significant increase in risk, then I would go with that advice.

lazygal

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what to say.
On the practical side I was pregnant sixmonths after having my first. I had a better pregnancy second time and had no problems whatsoever. The consultant had no reason for concern.
I hope things work out whatever you decide.

Rose35

I am so so sorry for your loss, my heart is breaking for you, I have worked with women who got pregnant about 3 months after giving birth, they were only back from maternity leave and they were off again so I know it is possible and they had normal pregnancies, hope it works out for you xx

Wholeheartedly

Terrible thing to happen to anyone. So sorry for you.

A close family friend accidentally got pregnant after about four months after her third son (4th was another boy!) Great pregnancy, her only problem was as soon as she fall pregnant, her 4 month old just stopped breastfeeding and wouldn't again! Although I am sure you would give anything to have that worry.


Much love and best wishes for your journey ahead. X

Lashes28

Nothing to add thumpette only I hope to meet you again on it next pregnancy journey.
I would love to be pregnant asap. hope your doing well.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be awful for you both.
I have no direct experience to offer you, but just remember that you are still grieving and that is not a great time to make such a big decision.

You will of course be grieving for a long time, but would you and your partner consider going for some grief counselling first and then think about this some more. As you know pregnancy is such an emotional time as it is without such grief as well.
Best of luck to you both.

Thumpette

Crystal Steep Polyester wrote: »

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be awful for you both.
I have no direct experience to offer you, but just remember that you are still grieving and that is not a great time to make such a big decision.

You will of course be grieving for a long time, but would you and your partner consider going for some grief counselling first and then think about this some more. As you know pregnancy is such an emotional time as it is without such grief as well.
Best of luck to you both.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I completely take your point Rosebush and we will be getting councelling. Trying again isn't a decision for us- Max was our first baby and it's a complete certainty we want a family- more than ever now. One of the reasons we want to try straight away is that it took over 18 months to get pregnant the first time- we're trying to prepare ourselves that it might be that again but there seems to be a possibility of increased fertility after pregnancy and we want to make the most of that possibility. Also I'll be 32 in a couple of weeks- so don't want to hang around too long.

I know pregnancy will be terrifying when it hopefully does happen but I'd say it will be regardless of whether it's in 2 months or 2 years. It won't be easy but I know it'll be worth it.

Thanks for all the kind messages x

lazygal

On another practical note, I'd advise getting your iron levels checked. I was advised to take iron for the duration of my pregnancy and for six weeks post partum, in the end I kept on taking it and I feel it helped my system cope with being pregnant so soon again. I had only one period and then got pregnant, so I think the increased fertility may be a factor.

Sligo1

Hi thumpette, again, I'm so sorry for what you and your OH are going through.

Physically for me having 2 pregnancies close together was fine. My son was 6months when I got pregnant with my daughter. I'm the same age as you and my body pretty much coped fine with it and is back in fine condition (apart from my saggy boobs).

Emotionally, if you feel you are in the right place then I would say grand. I've never been in your position, so I can't really say or give an opinion on what is best emotionally. My instinct would be to say let yourself grieve and take a couple months to think about it. However, as you have informed us it took 18months to conceive your first I completely understand your predicament and completely understand why you want to try again so soon. I think I would be thinking along the same lines as you are.

Just remember, It can take a while to ovulate again or for your cycles to start. Could be 1 month... Cpuld be 3. But you are very fertile in those few months after you give birth.

So physically, yea... I would say go for it. I really wish you all the best thumpette. You really deserve some happiness and I am sure you will have your little family. Will be thinking of you and hoping you will be in another pregnancy thread soon. X

Merkin

A close friend of mine also lost her beautiful little girl at 41 weeks Thumpette. Like you, they were keen to try again and she gave birth to a healthy, bouncing baby boy about fifteen months later. She found the pregnancy hard, we were pregnant together, and it was very emotional but her beautiful baby boy has helped her heart heal and their little angel will never be forgotten. If you both want it then go for it and I wish you all the best wishes in the world xx

Moonbeam

oh you poor thing:( hugs
I have 15 months between my babies and I had no issues.

Neyite

Thumpette, I'm so so sorry for your loss.

tinkerbell

Thumpette, I've no advice for you but I wanted to just post and say how sorry I am for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. Take care of yourself xx

Thumpette

Thanks everyone- great to hear all the positive stories especially from Merkin as it sounds a very similar scenario. Going to a support group meeting tonight so they might have more insight on the emotional side of things but it's great to hear how people found it physically.

locci

Hi Thumpette,I am so sorry for your loss. We lost my sister shortly after birth and my brother arrived 18 months later. I wish you and your oh all the best.

Merkin

Thumpette wrote: »

Thanks everyone- great to hear all the positive stories especially from Merkin as it sounds a very similar scenario. Going to a support group meeting tonight so they might have more insight on the emotional side of things but it's great to hear how people found it physically.

You are more than welcome my dear. My friend and I talk about her little girl a lot and I know after it happened, and still now, her main angst and fear was that her little girl would be forgotten. Because she didn't get to bring her home from hospital and after everyone had been kind and sympathised she felt that her little girl would be forgotten in people's memories. It has been so important to her that she is remembered and spoken about and it has helped her hugely to talk. I'm so pleased to see you're going to a support group and that you are sharing your feelings here, even though they are heartbreaking. It's too big to just try and get on with things and it really helps to share. I think you're being amazing xx

Hannibal Smith

I've no advice to give thumpette, just wanted to wish you and your partner all the best. Ive been wondering how you were doing.

Thumpette

Thanks guys, just back from the support group- found it hugely helpful to be able to just talk to people who understand how we are feeling and are a little further down the road. X

ariana`

Thumpette so very very sorry for your loss, words fail me.

It's not the same but i was 2yrs trying to conceive my 2nd child, i did eventually conceive only to misscarry but i conceived again within 3wks before i even had a period. After taking 2yrs to conceive the baby i lost i can only assume it was the pregnancy hormones that were still in my system which helped me conceive again so soon. So if you and your partner are ready to try again then i think from a fertility point it probably is a good time. Only ye can decide how ready you are emotionally. It sounds like you are being very sensible working through it together and going to the support group. Like everyone on here your story breaks my heart but if there is a God then little Max will have a brother/sister very soon and s/he will be blessed to have an extra special big brother looking out for him/her as well as wonderful parents xx

Andso

I'm very sorry for your loss , Max is a gorgeous name.
I got pregnant 6 months after my 1st son was stillborn. While the pregnancy was textbook I was a complete head case. I remember for the first anniversary trying to hide my bump as I felt unbelievably guilty. My son was born perfectly healthy and is now a lively 6yr old but in hindsight I wish I had waited longer to grieve properly for my 1st son. A lot of tears fell on his head and the first 8/9 months were very black time for me, so aware of what had been taken from me first time. I guess I was blinded by grief and found it difficult to bond as I was terrified he was also gonna be taken away. When I got pregnant again ,I went for counselling throughout the pregnancy and it was a far better experience. I am now a mother of 4, three of whom got to stay with me.
Btw I was 34 when my son died

Thumpette

Andso wrote: »

I'm very sorry for your loss , Max is a gorgeous name.
I got pregnant 6 months after my 1st son was stillborn. While the pregnancy was textbook I was a complete head case. I remember for the first anniversary trying to hide my bump as I felt unbelievably guilty. My son was born perfectly healthy and is now a lively 6yr old but in hindsight I wish I had waited longer to grieve properly for my 1st son. A lot of tears fell on his head and the first 8/9 months were very black time for me, so aware of what had been taken from me first time. I guess I was blinded by grief and found it difficult to bond as I was terrified he was also gonna be taken away. When I got pregnant again ,I went for counselling throughout the pregnancy and it was a far better experience. I am now a mother of 4, three of whom got to stay with me.
Btw I was 34 when my son died

Andso, thanks very much for your reply. It's incredibly helpful. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little boy too. The thought of deliberately waiting fills me with dread as it's the only thing I can imagine helping to fill this terrible void but at the same time I know being pregnant again will be horrendous. Once you've experienced loss like this I can't imagine a pregnancy will ever contain the magical innocence of the assumption everything will be ok. I've read a lot today actually from women who've had children after loss and it sounds a lot like what you're describing- the guilt and the awareness of what's been taking and the fear to bond in case it all goes wrong. I'm trying to steel myself that nature might enforce a longer waiting period on me anyway if my previous conception story is an indicator. I've also started looking into counselling already and know I'd need that kind of support through any new pregnancy.

Despite the sadness of your story it's also really hopeful. I hope you and all your family are well and your first son is forever in your heart xx

KGLady

I'm heart sore for you Thumpette, but your positivity in how you write is particularly beautiful.

I've a chequered history with maternity and gynae stuff, so the relevant parts of a too long story are that after 6yrs trying (mostly failing!) I became pregnant and though I'd a difficult pregnancy complicated delivery my first daughter was born. I unexpectedly became pregnant again after 4mths, so my oldest girls are only 13mths apart. It was an intense time and not only for the children being so small, but because my body endured so much with back to back ropey pregnancies and breastfeeding too, and I became quite run down. It isn't uncommon to have two babies within a year, and the common refrain of 'irish twins' supports that, but it IS hard on your body, so be kind to yourself as you prepare to try again, you'll need to really nurture your body.

And for the heart its trickier - my no3 was a miscarriage and I swore that was it, too much for me to handle as I grieved for our much loved and wanted baby. However himself felt otherwise and I became pregnant again within a few months. I vividly recall being 20wks on the exact day of the 1yr anniversary of our miscarriage, and how I spent most of the day curled up crying and holding my bump feeling a torrent of grief, love and an overall confusion at how they both collided. The loss certainly coloured the following pregnancy, especially as like my others it was a troublesome one again, and somehow I never quite fully expected to HAVE a baby in the end. But I did, and she was a pure gift, and similar to how my first born healed the hurt of years of fertility struggles, the last one came out into my arms and healed the last broken bit of my heart that I'd been resigned always carrying after the loss.

I know its not the same thing to miscarry in earlier trimesters compared to losing a baby at full term, but I do know a little about the conflict of overlapping grief and a growing love, and while at times its overwhelming, I personally found it to be very healing too. Ultimately you'll know yourself when you are ready. Your Max was and is loved, and you'll always have that love, but we mothers, our hearts will always expand with new love for each of our children. When you do go again, be ready to cry when you need to as its part of the healing. However, try not to let the 'what ifs' and the 'if onlys' sneak in to dull the happiness of having another pregnancy and a second baby.

I wish you and Max's Dad the BEST and hope your next step as parents goes well for you all.

Thumpette

Thanks KGlady for such a heartfelt and honest post. I'm sorry you had such a tough journey with such sad loss but I'm happy you have your 2 girls now- and I suspect with the fight you've had to get here you're appreciative for them and all the better a parent for that.

I don't know where the positivity comes in my posts- I've always considered myself optimistic- I choose to find the positive in a situation and focus on it and have managed to do so through some very tough times, including my Dad going through a 6 month horrible battle with cancer and dying 2 days after I going out I was pregnabt. It was heart breaking but I managed to remain and keep him hopeful throughout and afterwards focus on my pregnancy and the joy of that, thinking it was some sort of cosmic balance of losing and gaining at one time. With losing Max I've also lost that feeling that my Dad is looking after me somewhere, because if he was, how could this possibly happen. I'm really struggling to find the optimism in this situation, though I've bee so grateful for the kindness and support from friends and family and strangers! Apart from that it just feels like the worst thing in the world.

I guess I do feel lucky that pregnancy was pretty straight forward for me and also that my body seems to be healing and recovering well. I'm totally focusing on nourishing it with good healthy food, loads of rest and excercise and fresh air. I'm even going to the dentist this morning (scared!) to make sure my gums won't fall apart completely with another pregnsncy.

Take care of yourself and thanks so much for taking the time to reply xx

Hannibal Smith

I don't know if you're spiritual at all Thumpette, but how about thinking your dad and Max are together somewhere? I don't mean to make light of losing Max, but wondering would it take the edge off? You don't have to find optimism and hope if you don't want to. Grief is all about dealing with the loss and moving on, but I imagine with losing a child every maternal instinct you have is telling you not to let go.

When you do conceive again, you're not replacing Max, or moving away from him, you're giving him a sibling.

Thumpette

Thanks Hannibal. I really wish I could believe that but I struggle with it. I'm certainly not religious, wasn't before and definitely am not now. I did believe Max would be ok as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I thought the timing of him coming just as my Dad was going was more than coincidence and that it was meant to be that way. Losing him like we have in such a cruel way has taken that belief away too. A fairly religious friend suggested to me yesterday that 'maybe he just wasn't meant to live'. I managed not to be violent in response though so I internally praised myself for that.

I do look for signs for him though. Everything we had for him was covered in stars and since he's been gone I've been finding stars in random places, in presents from people who didn't know about my star obsession, in the suggestion from the memorial man on a nice monument thing, yesterday even engraved into a wine glass. I'm choosing to believe that this is his way of telling me he is still around somewhere- and I don't need to force myself to know he'll always live in our hearts.

I am finding optimism in this too. It has strengthened us as people and as a couple. If we can survive this we can survive anything and will hopefully have more perspective on what's really important because of it. Compared to some situations I'm also incredibly grateful that there doesn't seem to be any reason why we can't get pregnabt again and make a beautiful little brother or sister for Max.

Hannibal Smith

Thumpette wrote: »

. A fairly religious friend suggested to me yesterday that 'maybe he just wasn't meant to live'. I managed not to be violent in response though so I internally praised myself for that

Yikes! People say the craziest things. I've had it said to me and I know others have said it to them after a miscarriage that nature has a way of dealing with those not strong enough..like its meant to help...wtf??? Would you say that to someone who lost a parent??

The star spotting is beautiful.

seventeen sheep

Thumpette wrote: »

I do look for signs for him though. Everything we had for him was covered in stars and since he's been gone I've been finding stars in random places, in presents from people who didn't know about my star obsession, in the suggestion from the memorial man on a nice monument thing, yesterday even engraved into a wine glass. I'm choosing to believe that this is his way of telling me he is still around somewhere- and I don't need to force myself to know he'll always live in our hearts.

Might be a nice idea to get a star named after him. I don't know, some might think it's a bit gimmicky, but I think it would be a nice way of knowing that he left a solid physical mark on the universe; that there is a star out there forever named in his honour.

Thumpette

Thanks seventeen sheep.

My team at work already have done this- again without knowing about my star obsession! I took it as another lovely sign

Hannibal it's just awful- people just don't think. I think you just have to hold your breath and realise they are misguidedly trying to help and it's coming from a good place.

neia

Thumpette,
Sorry to hear about losing little Max. We unfortunately lost our little girl when she was born prematurely at 29 weeks. She held on for a day but then we said goodbye. This was in summer of last year. Heartbreaking, devastating and life changing. Life will never be the same again. The road is long and hard we will never get over it but I look for her in everyday things. People say the stupidest and most hurtful things, others hide their children from you. But by and large the majority mean well. You know who your friends are very quickly. I must say my husband has proved himself to be amazing and I am really glad you guys are pulling through together. It can easily go the other way. On a happier note, we are expecting again. Due the same month our girl passed away. A long road ahead of us with medical
and procedures. Specialists and consultant were not concerned about closeness of pregnancies. We are not trying to replace our little girl but look on it as a blessing. She is sending us a brother or sister. I hope you are doing OK. Feel free to pm me anytime xx

Thumpette

Thanks Neia,

So sorry to hear about you losing your little girl. I'm sure this pregnancy has been tough and emotional for you but i hope it's healthy and happy and that there's a beautiful healthy little sister or brother for your little one in the summer. Xx

Cunning Stunt

Thumpette, I am very sorry for your loss. I have been there, losing a little girl at 41+3, and it was a living nightmare. There was nothing worse than coming home from the hospital with empty belly and empty arms. Like you, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again straight away, 'to fill the void' as you said yourself. We were advised to wait for at least one cycle, but we ended up waiting for 2 cycles before trying again. It took us over a year, including an early miscarriage along the way, but I finally had a successful pregnancy and birth and we now have a happy & healthy one year old boy.

No one can advise you better than what you are feeling in your own heart. If you want to try again when your cycle comes back, then I say by all means do so.

Now I'm going to say something that you probably hate to hear -( I know I did!) but please take it from me that with time, you will learn to cope better. You'll never get fully over it, but the pain will lessen.

I am here if you want to PM me anytime.

Suucee

Ive only just seen this thread and have nothing to add.
I dont even know what to say but i couldnt say nothing. I really cant even imagine what you are going through right now.
im so so sorry for your loss and i hope when you and your OH is ready that you will have a little brother or sister for Max.

Thumpette

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

Thumpette, I am very sorry for your loss. I have been there, losing a little girl at 41+3, and it was a living nightmare. There was nothing worse than coming home from the hospital with empty belly and empty arms. Like you, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again straight away, 'to fill the void' as you said yourself. We were advised to wait for at least one cycle, but we ended up waiting for 2 cycles before trying again. It took us over a year, including an early miscarriage along the way, but I finally had a successful pregnancy and birth and we now have a happy & healthy one year old boy.

No one can advise you better than what you are feeling in your own heart. If you want to try again when your cycle comes back, then I say by all means do so.

Now I'm going to say something that you probably hate to hear -( I know I did!) but please take it from me that with time, you will learn to cope better. You'll never get fully over it, but the pain will lessen.

I am here if you want to PM me anytime.

Thanks Cunning Stunt, I'm so sorry that you lost your little girl and that you know this pain. I must admit that I know of you in a boards- stalker way. Someone pmed me with a lovely message and mentioned your story. I was looking through your posts to read the ones at the time you lost your little girl. I read all the ones when you were posting happily and excitedly on the pregnancy boards and I knew what was going to happen and my heart broke for you and your little girl and for me and Max.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's a comfort to be honest to hear that there is life and hope after this pain. I'm so glad you have your healthy little boy- I'm sorry it was such a tough road to get there.

Xxx

Thumpette

By the way I wrote a little blog today- I found it really cathartic to write- just wanted to share after all the kind messages and support on here.


https://l4stars.wordpress.com/2015/02/10/there-are-no-words/

highly1111

Amazing words thumpette. thank you for sharing.

aisling86

I had two baby's 11months apart before dd1 I had a ruptured ectopic waited 6months as advised & started trying in the june, dd1 born 28th may & dd2 born 10th may following year. thankfully I'm young (28) girls 21months & 32months now because it's tough going at times.

spottybananas

Thumpette you write beautifully.

A relative of mine lost her daughter at about 28 weeks into her pregnancy, there are a very small core few of us who still mention her (she would be 9 now) and include her name in lists of kids in the family, and while it is tough to get used to making someone well up and making yourself feel briefly uncomfortable I always persevere with it, like when anybody loses somebody. The awkwardness I feel is nothing compared to what they're going through, and even if I say something clumsy they know it came from a good place.

It's great that you both feel stronger together and are well able to talk about Max and what happened and to work through it together xx

Sligo1

I saw a star on something today in a shopping centre. I thought of Max. X

Ms2011

Max is just beautiful Thumpette, you're blog is a credit to you & reminded me of this quote I got as a present to hang in my son's room when he was born.


"How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?
How many times a day do I think of you? How many roses are sprinkled with dew?
How far would I travel to be where you are? How far is the journey from here to a star?
And if I ever lost you, how much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?"

Take care x

Thumpette

Ms2011 wrote: »

Max is just beautiful Thumpette, you're blog is a credit to you & reminded me of this quote I got as a present to hang in my son's room when he was born.


"How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?
How many times a day do I think of you? How many roses are sprinkled with dew?
How far would I travel to be where you are? How far is the journey from here to a star?
And if I ever lost you, how much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?"

Take care x

That's beautiful. Eumom only shared that today and I shared it on Facebook. Saw it as another little star reference for Max xx

Cameoette

Thumpette, I am so sorry for your loss. Max is a gorgeous boy and your blog post is beautifully written, too. Thank you for sharing it. xxx