Problems with an Irish colleague

alex_1427

Hi all,

Could you give me some advise on what should I do?

I moved to Dublin 4 months ago (am in my middle 20's, coming from Lithuania) and I found myself sharing my office with 5 different Irish people. Everyone seems (and is) very nice and friendly, except this lady that has a very rude attitude towards me.

I know these things are normally less than important in life but for some of us, especially when coming on their own from a different country and having no familiar or friendly face around, such things can actually make the difference, and not in a positive way.

The problem is that this lady is visibly ignoring everything I am saying and never keeps eye contact during the meetings or whenever we are all talking both professional and personal things. And everytime I say something, she gives me that look like she's just about to burst into laughing or she's in a big shock, like "gosh, this idiot is a human error, what the heck is wrong with him?" (I forgot to mention she is very vulgare and sometimes she even seems devious). I get the feeling that she sees me as sort of the dumbest and most idiot guy in the world.

I made a self assessment and I have all the reasons to believe that my behaviour is normal and I haven't said anything to make her feel incomfortable. Especially since my colleagues are very respectful towards me. A few of them already confirmed that they saw her rudeness but are not willing to interfere at all.

So I kinda exhausted all my posibilities to get along with her: I asked her face to face if we were ok or if I had said anything to offend her (she said everything was cool but it was so visible she was lying) and her attitude just continued. I've also tried to make some indirect compliments or jokes, to release some of the tensions, but I just realized it has been just unsuccessul.

I don't intend to change my attitude and behave differently but in a professional manner. But escalating to my boss is definitely not a solution. Because she (my boss) could easily interpretate I cannot deal with this on my own and I am sure I would get no support. And the same goes for HR. I cannot document anything about her behaviour because everything she says is politically correct so she knows very well how to play her act.

What can I do? Moving into a different office is impossible and trying to find a new job is the worst solution I could think of, since I don't even have 1 year already. So it could seriously impact my career.

And I am sure that even if I decide to escape, the chances of finding a different version of her are significant, so I definitely have to find a way to deal with it. Ignoring her doesn't work either so I really don't know what to do.

Everytime she's out of the office, I am the most relaxed person in the world, but when she is there, I don't even find my words to say something. Which means it got me and she intimidated me.

What can I do to make it right? At least for myself, as for our partnership there doesn't seem to be any solution.

Thank you.

catbear

What isn't clear is how she gets on with everyone else. Sometimes we might not realise it but management have to endure her too.
Rather than internalising and telling the internet is there anyone else you could confide with in work?
I was in a really **** situation but it wasn't until I lost my patience with a colleague and complained to management that I found out how much they were trying to avoid confronting my colleague. It didn't stop him being an asshole but at least it was easier to ignore him knowing I wasn't alone.

Btw I've always found that usually people like her are either jealous or feel threatened by you and there's nothing you can do to help them overcome their inadequacies. If she has a problem with you then it's her problem. If she had a professional problem with you you'd know by now via management.

She could be going through a ****storm in life and picking on someone she's envious of is her way of coping. Totally unprofessional on her part. It is hard to compute, especially when you're young and inexperienced why others would be jealous but it's not uncommon. You just deal with it better as you get older.

Basically she could be on the way to a breakdown.

Big Bag of Chips

If she is just giving you dirty looks, and/or ignoring you and not making eye contact then best I can suggest you do is ignore her. You get on well with everyone else, so just don't engage with this woman at all. Don't change your behaviour. Don't try to overcompensate by trying to be nice to her and making jokes etc.

She doesn't like you. She doesn't have to like you. It would be nice if everyone in the office could get along, but that is not always possible. So don't try to be her friend. Work with her and deal with her on a purely professional level. If you don't react to her rudeness then there's nothing she can do.

If she starts saying things to you or undermining your work then you are fully entitled to go to HR.. But you can't go to them saying that she doesn't hold eye contact or blanks your jokes.

We can't get on with everyone, and not everyone is going to like us. So long as you maintain a professional relationship with her that is all you need from her.

alex_1427

She treats everyone else very good and the other ones (including the boss) seem to be very happy with her (always funny and helping). Confiding in a colleague didn't help too much as he admitted he saw how she treated me but he does not want to involve in this, probably because he receives the good treatment.

So the solution I'll probably need to find is to get a way of not caring anymore, which at the moment seems quite impossible.

alex_1427

@Big Bag of Chips: thanks a lot for your advice. What do you mean by ignoring her? By avoiding eye contact as well, the same way she does? But don't you think that once I start to ignore her, it would attract her extra-rudeness and probably other collegues could see that as an unnapropriate behaviour from my side?

catbear

alex_1427 wrote: »

So the solution I'll probably need to find is to get a way of not caring anymore, which at the moment seems quite impossible.

It's never nice having to block people out but if the only option left to you then put aside all concern for her treatment of you and accept that some people are dogs and deserve only the respect the give.

Just make sure your profession commitments are met and do not evil. Don't retaliate. Just isolate. Find something active to do to help you shake off the way she makes you feel. Exercise releases good endorphins and help you release the negative emotions that build up in lives.

I deal with a lot with people and over the years a good active burst is far better than a binge session for blowing off other peoples baggage.

BTW, I must complement you on your excellent english, it's far better than a lot of my colleagues who grew up with the language.

Big Bag of Chips

I just mean don't try to talk to her. Don't try to get her attention. If you have to give her something work related, hand it to her, tell her what it is and walk away. I guess you are trying to somehow make her like you a bit more? Don't! It won't work.

Just deal with her purely for work purposes. Talk to your other colleagues. Join in conversations. Ignore her rudeness and don't try to make friends with her in any way. I would think she is getting a bit of amusement out of your attempts to be nice to her. So stop. You don't need her as your friend.

Although... How long are you working there? I sometimes found, or at least thought that some of the "older" colleagues in various work places didn't like me for a while because I was new! Sometimes I was right, and sometimes it was my own thoughts! Sometimes after a while I found them being nicer to me... Sometimes rude people just stayed rude!

You work with her. You don't need her to be your friend. I know it's not nice, but if you can train yourself to not care about her you will find work so much easier.

Or...

You can have great fun and bounce into work every morning saying "Good morning everyone, good morning [xxx] how are you today"? And be so over the top cheery with her that she will hate you even more! Grumpy rude people hate nothing more than happy, nice, cheerful people. It drives them mad!

R.D. aka MR.D

I couldn't agree with Bag of Chips more!!!

The best way to deal with these people is not to care or to kill them with kindness.

If she was giving you a dirty look then then put on a concerned face and say 'are you okay?, You look a little upset'. Be super concerned so it doesn't come across as aggressive.
Those kinds of people hate that kind of thing.


Another thing to consider that probably isn't the case but I worked with a girl from Lithuania and some of the other girls didn't like her because her turn of phrase was a little bit strange. She barely had an accent as she had been in Ireland so long and her English level was extremely high but sometimes how she phrased things rubbed people up the wrong way. I work abroad and work with many people of different nationalities and sometimes my Irish turn of phrase upsets my american colleagues. So sometimes I have to work hard to remember to phrase things a little differently because I know that it's something that would be considered 100% okay to say in Ireland but is confusing or rude to an American. Other times, I just make them deal with it because they should embrace my difference!!

jimmycrackcorm

OP, make a list of the very obvious incidents she is doing with specific references such as when and where. Then talk to her. Explain that you are upset because of how these make you feel.

Often people can be either deliberately or unwittingly cruel but when the evidence is put in front of them it's like exposing an open wound. It's important then to A) have specific details of when and where and what is said or done so that the facts cant be disputed and explaining the effect it has on you forces them to confront why they are doing it.

Dutchess

What struck me is that you specifically mention that you are Lithuanian and that she is Irish. Is there a part of you that thinks this has something to do with the situation? As sad, inappropriate, and misinformed as it is, some people have that "foreigners coming in and taking all the jobs" attitude. Who knows, maybe she wanted to slot a friend into your position.

Whatever you do, give her no reason to complain about you. If she really has something against you and her reputation is good, she will no doubt use this if you give her cause.

Whenever anything happens that you feel is really out of place and noticeable, write it down on a list somewhere. It is always good to have something like that to fall back on.

And try to not to carry it around with you too much. Just like in a family, in a workplace, there's always one. Our one left only recently.

ThatFatGal

I have had very similar experiences with you, Op, and I can tell you how stressful and uncomfortable it can be.

I had it with one of my former colleague (Hungarian) and with my current boss & colleague (both Irish). I think nationality doesn't really matter but it is more to the person themselves.

I agree with one of the above posters - be extra nice to them. Don't pay attention to her if she wants to ignore you and be a total t*at. Just be professional, civil and get your work done.

At the end of the day, you don't have to be best friends with them but to make your life easier, just be friendly and civil but don't be overly friendly or try too hard.

People are not stupid and they will know what a moody and unfriendly person she is and they will appreciate your professional approach in handling this.

Also, I'd recommend looking for a new job - jobs are jobs, it doesn't have to be this stressful.

cloudatlas

Look I know you didn't mean it like that but it doesn't matter that she is Irish or you are Lithuanian.

Bullying is abusive undermining behavior that happens over a long period of time.

This is not bullying this is dislike, just ignore her as much as possible but be professional when you are forced to deal with her.

Never ask someone who is being difficult if you did something wrong. It is clear that you haven't done anything wrong.

la cienega

I certainly wouldn't discount the fact that the OP is from Lithuania as reasoning for the tensions at work. Many Irish people are guilty of racism and it is important that this is recognised and not swept under the carpet. I worked as a waitress for many years and the distinction between how I was treated and how 'non-Irish' were treated by customers and fellow workmates was often appalling. Like it or not we live in a society that privileges white, western European lived experiences. The OP should be supported from all vantages of this situation - racism must be explored as an option for the bullying he is experiencing.

OP I would advise you just try to ignore this woman but keep pleasant. I wouldn't give this woman the pleasure of faux friendly behaviour. Try to keep a cheerful demeanour so you can't give her anything to pick - but also keep a record of all malicious behaviour. Date and explain her actions so if the situation becomes untenable you have documented the barrage of hostility.

Don't be afraid to seek support from HR if things get worse. They are legally obligated to support employees who are being bullied. I hope things get better for you.

cloudatlas

la cienega wrote: »

I certainly wouldn't discount the fact that the OP is from Lithuania as reasoning for the tensions at work. Many Irish people are guilty of racism

Thus far there is no evidence of racism. This lady has said nothing to undermine the O.P. just looks or ignoring opinions.

The O.p. says she is vulgar and devious but gives no examples. Unless it is psychological / abusive undermining behaviour over a long period of time then he should pay no mind.

The O.P. says he cannot go to h.r. He cannot go to h.r. because there is nothing to go to h.r. about.

Neyite

Don't be super-nice.
Don't retaliate in a similar fashion.
Don't ask her what is wrong.

Honestly, its quite simple, she has taken a personal dislike to you, and feels secure enough in her position to make her dislike obvious.

Keep a log or a diary - somewhere where it can't be accessed - either a locked drawer or at home altogether. Limit your interactions to her to work-related tasks and basic pleasantries - hello/good bye/ have a nice weekend. Keep an email trail for any work related stuff that is shared so you have proof of what was agreed upon, correct dates and times of meetings etc.

If she says something nasty in a group, ask her in a neutral calm voice to repeat it, that you didn't quite catch what she said - its surprisingly effective. Keep it friendly with other staff members - don't give out about this woman because it can come back to bite you. Keep interactions coolly professional with her and nice and friendly with the rest. If its noticed, just say you tried to get along but she wasn't interested. Sooner or later they get caught /go too far/ get bored and move onto other victims.

I've been exactly where you are, so I do know how stressful it is. I too, couldn't go to my HR supervisor because they and the bully were best buddies. I made an effort to make sure that I didnt let it take over my personal life - I'd tell my partner after work and try to put it out of my head for the rest of the evening.

But do keep that log. You never know when it might come in handy.

LynnGrace

100% agree with Neyite.

It's not an easy situation, by any means, but do your utmost to remain professional in all your dealings with this person. Don't try to be her friend, just be polite, and no more. Keeping note of specific incidents can be very useful, should you ever need to take this further. Having someone to confide in, outside of work would also be helpful.

Be your usual self with others, in the workplace, and try not to let her behaviour overshadow other aspects of your work life...and even more importantly your life outside of work.

All the best.