eating disorder despair

LegacyUser

Hi guys

I am 25 yo who has struggled with eating disorders for years. I battled with anorexia throughout my teenage years, and when I finally conquered that in my late teens I found myself descending into to the binge/purge nightmare of bulimia. For the last few years I've coped relatively well with it, and in fact last year I felt I had come a long way, and my resolve for this year was to finally put both of these horrific diseases behind me at last. I had been doing quite well, eating healthy, nutritious food when I was hungry and ensuring I'm getting a good level of calorie intake. however on sunday I was away, and so the meals I would normally plan and have at my disposal weren't and I had to make do with what vegetarian food was in my bf's freezer, which was a pizza and some falafel. I don't even particularly like pizza, but something about eating it triggered me and I've spent the last two days bingeing on sugary, fatty foods. I don't enjoy it, I feel awful, I wish I could stop, I thought I had conquered these binges but as soon as my carefully planned diet is disrupted I find myself right back where I began.The worst part is, I saw a friend today who is also recovering from anorexia, and she is so so thin that I felt that triggering the urge to purge.

I am desperate, I don''t want to fall back into that trap of finding myself starving and purging for the next few days and so throwing myself right back into that vicious circle, but the urge is so powerful, I don't know how to suppress it, especially when I feel so disgusting. I'm on a waiting list for therapy, so that is an avenue I'm going to go down, but I just don't know what to do right now. I don't even know what I'm looking for, I came here rather than the eating disorder support forums that are out there because I'm afraid they'll just trigger me further, I know they are there to help and support but I spent many many hours in the abyss of pro ana sites when I was a teenager and I don't want to risk finding myself back there again.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or support, things I can do to break free of this, i know lots of people say you never really rid yourself of an eating disorder, that recovery is ongoing process for the rest of your life but right now I'm just feeling such despair, I've had almost 15 years of this and every time I take two steps forward I fall two steps back, i don't want that to happen this time, though I feel like it will, I just want to know that is possible to break out of this cycle, to recover and get on with my life without this always hanging round my neck, sucking me in, drowning me

Tokyo

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP - I'm sure some of our posters will be along shortly to share their own experiences with you. In the meantime, have you considered contacting Bodywhys - (1890 200 444) - the national voluntary organisation supporting people affected by eating disorders? Rather than browsing through various online forums, which you've said you don't want to do, a voice at the end of the phone line may provide you with more support, and may be able to suggest options which are available to you...

santana75

urgetopurge wrote: »

Hi guys

I thought I had conquered these binges but as soon as my carefully planned diet is disrupted I find myself right back where I began.The worst part is, I saw a friend today who is also recovering from anorexia, and she is so so thin that I felt that triggering the urge to purge.

This is the problem. You've created a world where your meals are very set and controlled, which is a metaphor for what people with eating disorders do: They control. You have to let go of the control. The fear of getting fat or even just gaining weight is what drives the behavior. And what drives that is fear of rejection, thinking by being thin you'll be loved and wanted and by being fat you wont be. You have to say to hell with what anybody else thinks of you and genuinely mean that, not just give lip service to that philosophy. If you binge dont purge. The purging is what perpetuates the cycle. If you dont respond by purging and you sit with the subsequent feelings that arise, then you'll have broken the cycle and its grip on you will be gone.
Have you ever read Monica seles biography? I highly recommend you do. She went though a vile eating disorder and in a very public way. She overcame it, not with extensive therapy or rehab or anything like that, but just by letting go of control and living her life.

jimmyRotator

You could also look into the 12-step group overeaters anonymous
It will be much easier to fight this with support.

Rubberchikken

get some support to see you through this. it's too difficult to do on your own.

you're strong and aware that you don't want to go back down the road of binging/purging again and that's great so while you're waiting for your appointment ring the bodywhys helpline for someone to be there for you.

take care

Emiedoo

Another good group which holds meetings in Dublin is eatingdisordersanonymous or eda.

Important to find a good health professional whose expertise is in the area.

Will also need support from family and friends.

PM me if need more details.

Well done for talking about it. There is healing in talking.

The journey of self love and acceptance is a worthwhile one. As L'oreal says "Your worth it"
Blessings...

beks101

What Santana75 said above is very true. EDs are about control, and it sounds to me like despite your best intentions, you were never really in recovery in the first place - you simply swapped the bingeing/purging for a very strict, rigid, tightly-executed meal plan. In other words, switched one form of extreme control for another.

OP, as much of a comfort as it is to you, life is not going to allow you to live within these very narrow, very rigid parameters you have set for yourself, and the next binge/purge cycle will never be far away as long as you live like this. There will always be weddings, funerals, trips away, erratic work schedules, last minute emergencies, Christmases, vegetarian food in your boyfriend's freezer.

This is why it's important - crucial - for you to start your therapy asap and not with any old therapist - you need someone, very specifically, who specializes in treating people with eating disorders and who can help you through the practical elements as well as the emotional issues. Someone who can work with you to devise a way of eating that is comfortable and natural to you and fits in with your life; as well as helping you to change your attitude towards food and the deeper issues that are at play here.

I really feel for you. I understand exactly where you are; the lack of control and chaos that a binge/purge cycle can inflict can be utterly terrifying and almost surreal; you feel as though you are inhibited by some parasite who is dictating these binges and you've no way of stopping these behaviours.

You're right in that a little piece of you will carry around this ED forever; but it is absolutely true to say that you can recover and you can learn to look in the mirror and love what you see. You can learn to enjoy food without the blur of calorie counting and inner panic over weight gain and all the things that go with the disease. You really can. I did. I still beat myself up over little things from time to time and sometimes stress or frustration will trigger a binge or another dysfunctional behaviour - but over time the binges have gotten less and less and that all-consuming guilt that wreaks havoc within you has been greatly diminished. When I relapse, I just have a little sleep or a little cry or write in my journal about all the things that led me to relapse and I get back on the saddle the very next day.

And that does not entail getting back to some excessively controlling, self-punishing meal plan the next day. It means getting up, having a nice breakfast and getting back to reality. Bringing a healthy packed lunch to work, taking a chicken breast out of the freezer for dinner and listening to my body's natural hunger cues so that I respond appropriately to them.

It's a long, hard and very constant battle. But once you're on the road to true recovery, you WILL find that all the destructive behaviours have less of a hold on you. The better you feel about yourself and the more you focus on being kind to yourself with healthy, productive behaviours and habits, the less you need to punish yourself and self-destruct.

For me right now, I would describe my approach to that bingeing/purging behaviour that once defined my life as more of a cost-benefit analysis that my brain goes through whenever I feel the urge.

There's enough emotional distance from it for me to think, do I really want to do this right now? How exactly is this going to affect my week? And that becomes a very long list - poor performance at work due to the ensuing depression and sluggishness; won't see my boyfriend or any friends this week because I'll feel fat and horrid; won't be able to get out of bed; won't do any exercise or go to any classes because I'll hide away in my house all week....blah blah blah. So more often than not, I'll just not do it. It costs my life too much.

But to get to that place where I can make a conscious decision to not self-destruct, I had to spend a lot of time with myself, with my unsettling thoughts and feelings - crying, shaking, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself. I had to spend lots of time with a very knowledgeable and patient therapist. I had to get through about forty journals-worth of incoherent scribbles. And I had to feel very alone, very sad, very depressed and very defeated. You have to feel those things. You have to cry. You have to take step two steps forward only to get set back five.

And you have to white knuckle it through these next few days in the aftermath of your relapse without resorting to the same behaviours or reverting to your old 'safe' comfortable meal plan. Because that's what recovery looks like.

The very best of luck to you. You're not alone. And you have within you all the tools that you need to get passed this x

Marino Therapy Centre (Institute for Eating Distress Studies) in Dublin offer group classes, care work, one to one sessions, and if you are far from the clinic they do skype/phone/online support. They literally saved my life and the lives of many others I now know. I am totally free now.

ED kills. You are not alone. It's time to get support and recover and become free. You can do it even though you think you can't. You really can.

http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/

http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

You're right in that a little piece of you will carry around this ED forever

Not necessarily; freedom is possible.

santana75

Wow becks101, thats an amazing story, well done.

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Marino Therapy Centre (Institute for Eating Distress Studies) in Dublin offer group classes, care work, one to one sessions, and if you are far from the clinic they do skype/phone/online support. They literally saved my life and the lives of many others I now know. I am totally free now.

ED kills. You are not alone. It's time to get support and recover and become free. You can do it even though you think you can't. You really can.

http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/

http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/

Hmmmm the only issue I have with Marino Therapy centre is the cost. Its 80 quid a pop and that is pretty expensive to be honest. Not everyone could afford that and there are other centres that treat Eating disorders which are equally if not more costly. Personally I think you can over come an eating disorder with the help of any therapist who is good at their job, it doesnt have to be someone specific trained in dealing with EDs. The important part is the work that you'll do yourself, a therapist is someone who'll listen and that in itself is massive, but the real work is something you have to figure out and undertake yourself, no therapist no matter how good they are, can do that for you.
The crucial thing though is to let go control. Every decision you make approach it from the point of view of someone who doesnt have an eating problem and that food is just something to nourish your body, nothing else.
Exercise for example, train for your health, not for weight loss or control. If you always take that approach it means you'll always make good decisions that support your health and that is what loving yourself is all about. Someone who doesnt have an eating disorder will go to the gym to strengthen their body and make themselves more healthy. Whereas someone with an eating disorder will go to the gym to purge and more often than not their health takes a back seat. Always look at things from the point of view of someone who loves themselves and who has their health as the number 1 priority. If you do that you can never go wrong.

santana75

santana75 wrote: »

Wow becks101, thats an amazing story, well done.



Hmmmm the only issue I have with Marino Therapy centre is the cost. Its 80 quid a pop and that is pretty expensive to be honest. Not everyone could afford that and there are other centres that treat Eating disorders which are equally if not more costly. Personally I think you can over come an eating disorder with the help of any therapist who is good at their job, it doesnt have to be someone specific trained in dealing with EDs. The important part is the work that you'll do yourself, a therapist is someone who'll listen and that in itself is massive, but the real work is something you have to figure out and undertake yourself, no therapist no matter how good they are, can do that for you.
The crucial thing though is to let go control. Every decision you make approach it from the point of view of someone who doesnt have an eating problem and that food is just something to nourish your body, nothing else.
Exercise for example, train for your health, not for weight loss or control. If you always take that approach it means you'll always make good decisions that support your health and that is what loving yourself is all about. Someone who doesnt have an eating disorder will go to the gym to strengthen their body and make themselves more healthy. Whereas someone with an eating disorder will go to the gym to purge and more often than not their health takes a back seat. Always look at things from the point of view of someone who loves themselves and who has their health as the number 1 priority. If you do that you can never go wrong.

Group therapy is €10 a session and on 3 times a week. Care work sessions are, I think, €40. Use of their site is free.

I'm not here to advertise for them, only to share my experience with them, which was life changing for me.

The word 'health' becomes extremely and powerfully distorted in the mind of a sufferer so your solutions are only simple for someone without ED. Everything you say is true but tools are required to implement it.

I tried other therapists/doctors for years and nothing else effected any change in me. The Marino therapists are all recovered themselves which might be the key.

I was on the dole when I started recovery and had one therapy session a month, plus weekly group therapy. Having an ED is also expensive so this was the best money I ever spent.

Anyway the OP asked for resources and rather than share the dozen avenues that didn't work for me I'm glad to be able to share the one that did.

santana75

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Group therapy is €10 a session and on 3 times a week. Care work sessions are, I think, €40. Use of their site is free.

I'm not here to advertise for them, only to share my experience with them, which was life changing for me.

The word 'health' becomes extremely and powerfully distorted in the mind of a sufferer so your solutions are only simple for someone without ED. Everything you say is true but tools are required to implement it.

I tried other therapists/doctors for years and nothing else effected any change in me. The Marino therapists are all recovered themselves which might be the key.

I was on the dole when I started recovery and had one therapy session a month, plus weekly group therapy. Having an ED is also expensive so this was the best money I ever spent.

Anyway the OP asked for resources and rather than share the dozen avenues that didn't work for me I'm glad to be able to share the one that did.

I dont know maybe they took your employment situation into account and only charged you half the regular rate but the price I was quoted was 80 euro per session. So maybe it depends on whether you have a job or not.
Anyway the solutions Ive suggested wouldn't be required by someone who didnt have an eating disorder in the first place. They do work though, Im living proof of that. But it was a choice I made, and thats what it comes down to. You can make choices about your health and how to look after yourself. Anyone can do that, you just have to make your health the absolute priority, everything else flows from that decision. I know people with eating disorders have a warped perception of themselves, their bodies and reality in general. But they can choose to break that spell at any time. I know because Ive been there and it really did come down to making a decision to look after my health, my body, my emotions, every part of me. And when I made that choice everything became about liking myself and caring for myself, and from there the hold an eating disorder had over me was broken. It was broken because when you care for yourself theres no way an eating disorder or any other kind of self abuse can survive, its impossible.
I think the OP should get help, and I think therapy is great, but the point Im making is therapy isnt the whole story, that you have to make choices for yourself that support your health and live in accordance with those choices. Otherwise therapy and groups just become crutches and temporary stop measures and you can put the onus of your recovery on someone or something else instead of realizing that its your ship and you have to drive it.

santana75

santana75 wrote: »

I dont know maybe they took your employment situation into account and only charged you half the regular rate but the price I was quoted was 80 euro per session. So maybe it depends on whether you have a job or not.

No you're quite right, but care work (different to one to one therapy) is €40 a pop. I was just highlighting the other options available if someone couldn't afford the one to one therapy, that's all.

santana75

Mystery Egg wrote: »

No you're quite right, but care work (different to one to one therapy) is €40 a pop. I was just highlighting the other options available if someone couldn't afford the one to one therapy, that's all.

My apologies, I wasnt aware of the care work option, I just thought it was one to one therapy and group therapy that were available.