Im all over the place!

Graftgirl

I dont know what to do anymore! Cant take much more! Realising that my husband and I are not on the same page and may never have been.
We have been together 15yrs, we have 2 beautiful children together and 2 gorgeous older children from my previous relationship, he is a great dad and loves his children very much.

My husband has told me many lies over the years, he is in Dubai at the moment, this is part of the reason that I feel demented this week.
This time last year he went there for a week long exhibition with plenty of networking and booze to go along with it. The trips to Dubai are as a result of a side business he has started, its not even his main job, he has another Job which I have been supporting by putting up with all his time away and travelling.
Why cant he see the pressure his ambition is putting on our marraige?
He has been to Dubai 4 times in the past year, my problem with this is that last year at the last exhibition on his very first day there he lied to me!
He told me he was going to bed after his long day on the piss but it turned out that instead of going to bed like he told me, he went to the nightclub in his hotel which is know as a hotspot in Dubai for picking up prostitutes!
THis is a thing in dubai by the way, the hotels all support prostitution in some way, I cant get my head around it!!

I begged him not to go there, not to make me feel like this, I know I sound so insecure, cant bear myself anymore, what I have turned into!

Anyway he was the last to leave the nightclub that night, told me when I caught him out on everything that he didnt do anything just enjoyed the attention.
He said he did spend some time talking with them, admitted to chatting with a prositute for 10-15 mins.
How am I suppposed to feel? Im only 38 years old, he makes me feel old by doing this to me.
The prostitutes he was surrounded by would be not much older than my eldest child..

I supported his trip didnt give him a hard time but when I found out how he was lying to me I felt so insecure, to top things off he didnt make it to his own bed that night!
Slept in his business partners bedroom which his business partner verified to me..

I find now that I regularily catch him out on lies, recently I found evidence that he googled a girl that he deals with in the car hire desk in Heathrow, admitted to being attracted to her and googled her, she is 25 years old.
My husband is 44 years old , I feel like I am living a lie, jesus Im so low.
How did things get to this..
My respect for him has waned!!

Graftgirl

please help me figure out if we have a future, he says everything is in my head?
I cant be with a man thats lying to me, especially if he had no reason to. He says he loves me but his lifestyle is so selfish I have to wonder what its all about really?
I am trying to get some perspective before I throw it all away

LegacyUser

You dont trust your husband, and I dont blame you. I couldnt deal with a partner looking up a young girl like that, it's enough to make anyone insecure, and the chatting to prostitutes?? I don't blame you going out of your mind being at home when this is going on, and the fact that he lies to you. Personally it seems like he has not much respect for you, is pushing boundaries and doing nothing to make sure you feel secure or that he can be trusted. You really need to stand back and take stock of the marriage, you say he has lied to you many times over the years, what makes you think he will stop lying to you? Realise you deserve more than that. If you dont want to walk away consider marriage counselling. The only positive thing you say is that he is a great dad, but what about you and your marriage together? Be strong though, he is not treating you with respect and its better to be alone than have someone making you feel like this.

skallywag

OP, has your husband form for heading off with prostitutes? Is it something which has happened in the past which you are worried will happen again? Or other evidence of him being unfaithful, etc?

Concerning him going to the night club in the hotel, is it possible that he may have felt compelled to lie to you because he fancied a few drinks etc while away, and perhaps knew that you would blow a gasket based on past experiences?

Graftgirl

skallywag wrote: »

OP, has your husband form for heading off with prostitutes? Is it something which has happened in the past which you are worried will happen again? Or other evidence of him being unfaithful, etc?

Concerning him going to the night club in the hotel, is it possible that he may have felt compelled to lie to you because he fancied a few drinks etc while away, and perhaps knew that you would blow a gasket based on past experiences?

Thank you for your reply Skallywag..
I dont think he has been with prostitutes before, but he has told me so many lies that I cant gage it anymore, he had an addiction to Porn for years which made me feel so insecure.

I cant be comfortable with a man that covers up what he does with lies, yes you are right he wanted more drink that night. You never know where you are when someone tells lies, on the night in question last year, I knew he was on the piss, we exchanged texts, I was fine with him, it bugs me so much that he lied without needing to..
He could have comfortably kept drinking that night but I feel he could see all the hookers and wanted to surround himself with it..Fobbed me off by lying to me.

I now snoop on him, look at his phone when I can, check up on him, I hate myself for what I have become!
THis isnt Me!! He tells me he loves me all the time but I know in my gut he has other needs, why all the lying?

Graftgirl

im sorry if i sound all over the place , I havent had more than 4 hours sleep any night for weeks, I suffer with insomnia long term also but in the last few weeks Im just getting by, im jumpy all the time, have diarrhoea, cant eat properly either, this really is eating me up!

skallywag

I am sorry you are feeling so distressed OP.

When is your husband expected home? Have you already discussed with him on how much these trips are upsetting you? Do you see any chance of you accompanying him on the next trip perhaps?

Graftgirl

skallywag wrote: »

I am sorry you are feeling so distressed OP.

When is your husband expected home? Have you already discussed with him on how much these trips are upsetting you? Do you see any chance of you accompanying him on the next trip perhaps?

He will be home at the weekend, I told him last year, that him attending this event and all that goes with doesnt just upset me, it disturbs me!

He knows how upset its made me, tells me to lump it, that hes there to make money, he is obsessed with being successfull, theres more to life right?
we are partners in this life, he wont register the trauma his lifestyle and travelling are making for our relationship, I have no voice here!

Graftgirl

I know things are really bad because I thought of the worst thing recently, I felt I wanted to end my life, please dont tell me to get counselling, I know myself how wrong that is, for my children especially, I dont want to be here anymore pretending to everyone that all is ok.
I only believe half of what he tells me,(i know he is a compulsive liar) I used to adodre him, was so attracted to him and admired him but all I see now is a man that tells me anything to get doing what he wants to do.

skallywag

OP, I think that if your husband was made aware of how serious your situation is (i.e. going by your last post) then I am pretty sure that he may adopt another attitude rather than simply telling you to lump it. After a long period of time together it can be quite common for people to take each other completely for granted, and no longer really seeing how much that certain things are really hurting the other person. You both need to be open an honest to one another.

skallywag

Have you a close friend or family member who you would feel comfortable talking to on this topic? I feel that this could also help.

Graftgirl

Im sorry for saying that Skallywag, I know how it sounds, I feel lost, I know exactly what I am saying, its shocking to me that I have even said it.
I have a close friend that knows everything, she thinks he is out of order, I have leaned on her and she is a great listener but I dont want to treat her like a counsellor either.
I have other friends who I am avoiding, I am avoiding everyone right now because I dont want them to put 2 and 2 together that there is heavy stuff going on for me.

I have already made him aware of how depressing it has been not only over the past year but how much I have given up so that he can realise his potential, I am genuinely living in fear of what he will do next or what opportunities will come his way..

e.g He got offered a big job early dec' was going to jump into it and dump everything else he has been working on for years, he wanted to see what he was worth so I not wanting to hold him back agreed that I would let him take the job, let him find out what he was worth even though it meant him moving to the UK permanently.
Im sick of going on his adventures, its all about him, how much he earns, how much hes worth, were hes going next, what opportunities are coming his way, im scared to know where he will be going next.
thankfully the job offer fell through but I realised then how prepared i was to head off again in the direction he wanted to go, I was willing to move country, children, wait for him, I feel like I am standing in the way of his success..
2014 was such a depressing year, when he arrived off the flight from dubai after exhibition last year we found out that night that his mother was very sick and she passed away 10 days after that, I put all my feelings aside to look after his wellbeing(again!) and I tried to help his mother, it was a really stressful time for us.
I cant see what I have with this guy anymore, Im sick of his job taking precedence, I gave birth to our 2 little boys on days that suited his diary, he sat there with my Gynae' talking about the best day for F***ing diary for me to be started, god I want to scream when I think about it!

Graftgirl

advice101 wrote: »

You dont trust your husband, and I dont blame you. I couldnt deal with a partner looking up a young girl like that, it's enough to make anyone insecure, and the chatting to prostitutes?? I don't blame you going out of your mind being at home when this is going on, and the fact that he lies to you. Personally it seems like he has not much respect for you, is pushing boundaries and doing nothing to make sure you feel secure or that he can be trusted. You really need to stand back and take stock of the marriage, you say he has lied to you many times over the years, what makes you think he will stop lying to you? Realise you deserve more than that. If you dont want to walk away consider marriage counselling. The only positive thing you say is that he is a great dad, but what about you and your marriage together? Be strong though, he is not treating you with respect and its better to be alone than have someone making you feel like this.

Only just noticed your message thank you for your advice, I agree with you totally, I suppose the penny dropped last year, I have finally realised as I look back over the years this guy has something else going on, like why is your first instinct to lie.
Funny enough he has just booked us into a session of marriage counselling next week, he thinks the counsellor is going to say there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, he already mentioned this to me, he really cant see it..
I know with every fibre of my being that he would not be ok with me living the way he does.
thanks.

hoodwinked

Graftgirl wrote: »

Only just noticed your message thank you for your advice, I agree with you totally, I suppose the penny dropped last year, I have finally realised as I look back over the years this guy has something else going on, like why is your first instinct to lie.
Funny enough he has just booked us into a session of marriage counselling next week, he thinks the counsellor is going to say there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, he already mentioned this to me, he really cant see it..
I know with every fibre of my being that he would not be ok with me living the way he does.
thanks.

Look there are many men out there like this, i'm afraid it sounds like your husband is one of them, where they measure their self worth/attractiveness on what job title they have, or how much money they have, they think it makes them more attractive to women to have power or money (not realising that it actually can have the opposite effect or attract the wrong type of woman). Usually what happens to them is when they get these "perfect" jobs they cannot shake the feeling something is missing or they get bored quickly ...

it sounds to me like your husband is using the attention from other women to boost his ego as now he has his "big" job it hasn't scratched that itch for him, even if he hasn't taken it further than talking, a marriage counsellor is the right way to go on this. he shouldn't need the validation of other women to determine how attractive he feels, and he shouldn't need to lie to you.

Graftgirl

hoodwinked wrote: »

Look there are many men out there like this, i'm afraid it sounds like your husband is one of them, where they measure their self worth/attractiveness on what job title they have, or how much money they have, they think it makes them more attractive to women to have power or money (not realising that it actually can have the opposite effect or attract the wrong type of woman). Usually what happens to them is when they get these "perfect" jobs they cannot shake the feeling something is missing or they get bored quickly ...

it sounds to me like your husband is using the attention from other women to boost his ego as now he has his "big" job it hasn't scratched that itch for him, even if he hasn't taken it further than talking, a marriage counsellor is the right way to go on this. he shouldn't need the validation of other women to determine how attractive he feels, and he shouldn't need to lie to you.

Hi thanks for your reply,
Yes that crossed my mind too, another fear I have is that when he gets to where he is going I will be ditched, I dread the thought of him having money.
He was in the past a very show off type person, I guess I may need to realise that he is possibly still the same way.

Ironically the girl he met in the car hire in Heathrow incident happened right after he was offered the potential position, this is something that bugs me too(we were having major life changing discussion about our family and his job and he was eyeing up a 25 year old)
Theres a message in that for me somewhere, Im sure of it!!
I have wondered about his ego alot lately..

Graftgirl

Graftgirl wrote: »

Hi thanks for your reply,
Yes that crossed my mind too, another fear I have is that when he gets to where he is going I will be ditched, I dread the thought of him having money.
He was in the past a very show off type person, I guess I may need to realise that he is possibly still the same way.

Ironically the girl he met in the car hire in Heathrow incident happened right after he was offered the potential position, this is something that bugs me too(we were having major life changing discussion about our family and his job and he was eyeing up a 25 year old)
Theres a message in that for me somewhere, Im sure of it!!
I have wondered about his ego alot lately..

And I should add while on the subject of money we often struggle, we certainly are not rolling in it, we have had more getting by over the years than anything else..

LegacyUser

Graftgirl I could have written your posts. My ex is like this. Lies abkut everything and anything just to get out of trouble or please himself.
Ill say that like me you ignored the small signals. Things like lies about the washing being done when you're away. Lies about why he's. 30 mins late, stuff like that. It hurts and is confusing when you're the exact opposite. I couldn't fathom why he was lying about inconsequential things when we were supposed to be a team. Why lie to your supposed best friend?
In my case as soon as the big bucks came in the true colours revealed themselves fully. I was ditched for someone else and wasn't fit to lick his boots all of a sudden.

Then like a fool after the recession hit and he was in trouble and he wormed his way back in I missed him so much I took him back. Helped him back up and of course once back on track I found evidence of numerous online affairs. He wasn't sorry. Didnt apologise. Made fun of my depression and made it seem like it was my fault. Ruined my self esteem and trust. Refused counselling as I was the one with the problem.

I'm picking up the pieces. It wasn't easy. I wanted a more stable situation for our kids but it's better when parents are happy than in a crap situation where they will get affected by all the fighting.
I bet you know he probably won't change. I was so bad I was suicidal. He didn't care.

Only you know what's in your heart but if you don't love him get out before your heart is completely destroyed. You're only 38. Get counselling for yourself to work through the esteem issues and try to get back into an independent life. Even a few hours work will do wonders for you. I advise leaving but only because I went through a very similar situation. I actually cried reading this thread it was like looking back a few years. Good luck whatever happens.

ThatFatGal

Graftgirl wrote: »

Thank you for your reply Skallywag..

He tells me he loves me all the time but I know in my gut he has other needs, why all the lying?

What are the other needs that you speak of?

Do you feel like you are not satisfying his needs?

ThatFatGal

Graftgirl wrote: »

Funny enough he has just booked us into a session of marriage counselling next week, he thinks the counsellor is going to say there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, he already mentioned this to me, he really cant see it..
I know with every fibre of my being that he would not be ok with me living the way he does.
thanks.

It seems like he acknowledges that there is a problem with the marriage - as you do!

I'm sorry but why are you staying in this marriage? To be honest, you sound really miserable and almost to the point of a breakdown!

He lies to you all the time and you think he's flirting with these young women and prostitutes.

I suppose people have different boundaries that they think acceptable but if I were you, I'd be well out of that marriage!! (I got out of one that went seriously wrong too)

Life is too short to be miserable.

I'd recommend the marriage counselling because he's booked it but seriously, do what is right for you. You don't have to live in misery.

Graftgirl

ThatFatGal wrote: »

It seems like he acknowledges that there is a problem with the marriage - as you do!

I'm sorry but why are you staying in this marriage? To be honest, you sound really miserable and almost to the point of a breakdown!

He lies to you all the time and you think he's flirting with these young women and prostitutes.

I suppose people have different boundaries that they think acceptable but if I were you, I'd be well out of that marriage!! (I got out of one that went seriously wrong too)

Life is too short to be miserable.

I'd recommend the marriage counselling because he's booked it but seriously, do what is right for you. You don't have to live in misery.

Yes!!
I am close to breakdown!! I am staying away from people so they cant see it, I avoided talking to anybody past few weeks because I know im leaking out all over the place, cant keep the same train of thought for any length of time either..Feel on edge every second of the day.

His behaviour is not ok to me!! Its making me crazy, theres no way he should be around prostitutes while I am at home running our home and minding children, I am NOT ok with any of it.
He knows everything I am saying here but he cant see thats out of order, he honestly believes that I am being over the top!

With regard to my knowing he has other needs I am referring to his interest in porn and other women over the years, I knew last year when I caught him out what he was doing before he had done it.

I researched his hotel online after he switched his phone off(he says the battery died btw) and read reviews about all the hookers, I knew immediately that he would gravitate toward it and sure enough when the story came out, there was my husband, last man to leave the club that is dubbed the mecca in that area of Dubai for picking up prostitutes.
I put down a dreadful night that night, couldn't get hold of him and knew what he was doing within minutes of his phone call to me, I was heartbroken!

Hes always looking for something else, its his personality, I am not sure he can help it.

Graftgirl

ThatFatGal wrote: »

What are the other needs that you speak of?

Do you feel like you are not satisfying his needs?

Yes I feel like I cant satisfy him, by the way, we have an active sex life although being exhausted has gotten in the way over the past 2 years.
His work is draining, its only since I started talking about it that I realise how draining his career has been on us.
another thing that really upsets me, there is no spontanaiety when it comes to sex, we always have sex really late at night, we have never had sex that was spontaneous, like not planned, I note this because when he used the porn, he did it any time of the day or night which I found unusual because he didnt seem to register me in that way, i have never felt him have a sexual urge and we just did it but I remember him using porn at 6 pm one time?

another time when I was going out for a walk, he waited for me to leave and set up porn on our projector screen, of course was all out of the way by the time I got back, I would have loved for him to take this urge with me but No he preferred to use porn.

The night our first child was born when I was in the hospital he used porn too.. I am so upset with him..
I dont understand him anymore, I used to adore him, I am really broken hearted that I dont feel the same about him anymore..

Graftgirl

Beenthereguest wrote: »

Graftgirl I could have written your posts. My ex is like this. Lies abkut everything and anything just to get out of trouble or please himself.
Ill say that like me you ignored the small signals. Things like lies about the washing being done when you're away. Lies about why he's. 30 mins late, stuff like that. It hurts and is confusing when you're the exact opposite. I couldn't fathom why he was lying about inconsequential things when we were supposed to be a team. Why lie to your supposed best friend?
In my case as soon as the big bucks came in the true colours revealed themselves fully. I was ditched for someone else and wasn't fit to lick his boots all of a sudden.

Then like a fool after the recession hit and he was in trouble and he wormed his way back in I missed him so much I took him back. Helped him back up and of course once back on track I found evidence of numerous online affairs. He wasn't sorry. Didnt apologise. Made fun of my depression and made it seem like it was my fault. Ruined my self esteem and trust. Refused counselling as I was the one with the problem.

I'm picking up the pieces. It wasn't easy. I wanted a more stable situation for our kids but it's better when parents are happy than in a crap situation where they will get affected by all the fighting.
I bet you know he probably won't change. I was so bad I was suicidal. He didn't care.

Only you know what's in your heart but if you don't love him get out before your heart is completely destroyed. You're only 38. Get counselling for yourself to work through the esteem issues and try to get back into an independent life. Even a few hours work will do wonders for you. I advise leaving but only because I went through a very similar situation. I actually cried reading this thread it was like looking back a few years. Good luck whatever happens.

sorry to hear this thread brought you to tears, I am able to see the esteem issues now as I discuss on here, his use of porn and the way he lied about it and the length of time he used it for during our relationship took more of a toll on me than I admitted.
It was that bad, the he said at one point "I have a big problem, I need your help" but kept doing it.
Swore on his fathers grave that he had stopped when he was still doing it, that I found disgusting..

In my heart I know he loves me and I still love him but theres somehting in the way and lately I am begrudging him because I keep thinking of what I have given up and what has passed me for him to be where he is.. And honestly, really being truthful to myself, if something better comes along for him, he will move me along...
I feel so anxious and upset typing this, I am not coping very well at all.

mapaca

My heart goes out to you OP, you sound very distressed and miserable.

Two things:
- Before the marriage counselling session, write down the main issues/problems you want to talk about. This should hopefully keep you focused and calm and stop him from dismissing you.
- Talk to a trusted friend, tell them everything. You need real life practical support and help. You are at a low point and need to surround yourself with family and friends.

You can get through this. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Graftgirl

mapaca wrote: »

My heart goes out to you OP, you sound very distressed and miserable.

Two things:
- Before the marriage counselling session, write down the main issues/problems you want to talk about. This should hopefully keep you focused and calm and stop him from dismissing you.
- Talk to a trusted friend, tell them everything. You need real life practical support and help. You are at a low point and need to surround yourself with family and friends.

You can get through this. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Hi Macapa,
Thanks that's sound advice about writing main points down as I do feel he dismisses what I say, it's like whatever I put to him is not valid in his eyes. He won't see it, hoping the counselling makes him see
Thanks