Think I've F**ked up - Man's perspective needed

GaryDub31

I know this isn't the best place to post this but I have been reading the relationship section for the past few days and think I need a man's view on my situation.

So long story short;

I have been with my wife for 13 years and decided in November of last year that I didn't want to be with her any more. At the time I just felt that things weren't working between us and I just wanted out. We haven't been in contact now for some time and I am starting to think I made the wrong decision. I am thinking about her every day now and am considering giving it another go (if she'll have me).

Just wondering have any of you been through something like this? any help would be appreciated as I am going insane.

Dog of Tears

Depends.

Do you just want to get back together because you miss the familiarity/are lonely/horny, etc.
Or do you think you can actually sort out the issues which caused you to break up with her in the first place?

GaryDub31

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Depends.

Do you just want to get back together because you miss the familiarity/are lonely/horny, etc.
Or do you think you can actually sort out the issues which caused you to break up with her in the first place?

Thanks for your response. I have been thinking about this all week. I do miss the familiarity of her etc but I do feel that we could sort out the issues with a bit of hard graft and time. I just don't want to make a rushed decision and hurt her all over again. I know of another couple that went through something similar to this and they have sorted it all out and seem happy again.

MsBubbles

GaryDub31 call your wife and ask to meet up somewhere neutral. Tell her that you want to give your marriage another chance and that you feel you could sort out the issues if she is willing to work with you.
Tell her you're sorry you hurt her and don't want to hurt her again. Tell you miss her and you love her.

eviltwin

What does your wife want? Even if she is keen I would advise against rushing into anything. Sort out the issues that made you leave before you move back in. Be sure it's what you want and that it's not just loneliness, it's not fair to give her hope unless you know for sure you want to make another go of it.

Eta: how long have you been thinking about this? If it's just a week I'd take a bit more time to mull it over to be sure before you call her.

Yer Aul One

Ill preface this by saying I have never been married so take my advice with that knowledge.

I did have one long term gf. Exact same thing happened with us and I did get back with her.

When you are apart you start to forget the reasons for why you broke up. In my case I didnt really forget them but I thought I could deal with them better if we got back.

We had a great period for a while when we got back together but ultimately we broke up over the same reasons we did the first time.

Be very careful here!

gaz wac

What would happen if you met someone today, fell for them big time.....would you still miss your ex in a months time ?!!?


" I decided in November of last year that I didn't want to be with her any more. At the time I just felt that things weren't working between us and I just wanted out"


....that's pretty to the point for me. Its only been two months since you broke up and after 13 years !!! are you sure your just not lonely ?


good luck with it mate

GaryDub31

I have been thinking about her since it happened in November but I just thought it was because we were together for so long. I kept thinking about how she was or what she was doing but in the last week or too I have realised that I truly do love her.

I haven't spoken to her in app 6 weeks but she was totally against me leaving. She wanted to work on it but I just couldn't see the point at the time. I think she would be open to giving it another go. I know it won't be easy but I do think I want to give it a go.

MsBubbles

Good luck GaryDub31.

Absence can dilute the issues that made you wish to break up in the first place - to the point that we wonder were they good reasons to break up at all. However when we then put ourselves back in the situation the issue CAN flare up again - and the attempt to make it work fails.

If you are going to attempt another go therefore then the best advice I can give is explore on your own exactly what your reasons were for giving up - and why you felt it was not worth addressing them at the time. Ensure the conclusions of this thought process are communicated clearly to your partner from the outset.

Then - watch for these issues again as the relationship proceeds and address them as and when (if) they arise. Do not let them escalate and mature to breaking point again - but move to address and deal with them at an early point before they grow legs.

GaryDub31

Deleted User wrote: »

Absence can dilute the issues that made you wish to break up in the first place - to the point that we wonder were they good reasons to break up at all. However when we then put ourselves back in the situation the issue CAN flare up again - and the attempt to make it work fails.

If you are going to attempt another go therefore then the best advice I can give is explore on your own exactly what your reasons were for giving up - and why you felt it was not worth addressing them at the time. Ensure the conclusions of this thought process are communicated clearly to your partner from the outset.

Then - watch for these issues again as the relationship proceeds and address them as and when (if) they arise. Do not let them escalate and mature to breaking point again - but move to address and deal with them at an early point before they grow legs.

thank you - this makes sense.

I really have been thinking about this a lot. We didn't really have major issues at all. I just felt we were drifting apart. I do need to work on my issues as I tend to bottle things up and then it all seems way worse than it is. I had forgotten about all the good things about our relationship. I think I completely took her for granted.

I am going to contact her either tonight or this evening and see what happens.

Birneybau

Yeah, good luck Gary. You could always try a trial period? Myself and the ex-girlfriend gave it a few tries and it still didn't work out but that was us but it works for other people.

GaryDub31

Birneybau wrote: »

Yeah, good luck Gary. You could always try a trial period? Myself and the ex-girlfriend gave it a few tries and it still didn't work out but that was us but it works for other people.

I gave her a call there and we are going to meet up this evening to talk things out. She seemed happy to hear from me so we'll see how things go this evening.

Dial Hard

GaryDub31 wrote: »

I have been with my wife for 13 years and decided in November of last year that I didn't want to be with her any more. At the time I just felt that things weren't working between us and I just wanted out. We haven't been in contact now for some time and I am starting to think I made the wrong decision. I am thinking about her every day now and am considering giving it another go (if she'll have me).

The question I always ask anyone in these situations is - what's changed?

Leaving aside any sentimentality about just missing her, or feeling a bit lonely, or even just getting fed up having to wash your own jocks - you were unhappy for a reason. Taking those reasons in isolation - what *exactly* has changed that makes you feel like they won't be an issue again if you do give it another try?

I've seen so many people in your position do exactly what you did, panic, get back with their partner, only for all the same issues to rear their head again after a few months when the secondary honeymoon period is over. You owe it to your partner to know EXACTLY what's changed (if anything) or how you'll change it to make things work out this time, otherwise you're just going to break her heart all over again in another few months when you realise, actually, no, I'm really not feeling this, sorry love. And that is utterly, utterly unfair on her.

GaryDub31

Dial Hard wrote: »

The question I always ask anyone in these situations is - what's changed?

Leaving aside any sentimentality about just missing her, or feeling a bit lonely, or even just getting fed up having to wash your own jocks - you were unhappy for a reason. Taking those reasons in isolation - what *exactly* has changed that makes you feel like they won't be an issue again if you do give it another try?

I've seen so many people in your position do exactly what you did, panic, get back with their partner, only for all the same issues to rear their head again after a few months when the secondary honeymoon period is over. You owe it to your partner to know EXACTLY what's changed (if anything) or how you'll change it to make things work out this time, otherwise you're just going to break her heart all over again in another few months when you realise, actually, no, I'm really not feeling this, sorry love. And that is utterly, utterly unfair on her.

Good post. Well to be perfectly honest I have come to the realisation that I made my decision to leave way too lightly. I don't think I honestly thought it through. It was like I had a mental block. I just felt unhappy and thought there was no way of changing it.

I have realised that I was part of the problem as I have an issue with discussing my problems. I feel like if we are both honest with each other and work on how we communicate it will be better.

secman

Just hitting 33 years marriage, it's like everything else, have to work at it constantly, its ever changing , different stages, especially with kids. Bottom line is , you can only get out of it from what you put into it.Good luck to you and your wife , hope it works for you.

blindsider

OP - I think you should have a chat (alone) with a counsellor of some description.

Random Google search result:

http://www.relationshipsireland.com/relationship-and-marriage-counselling/counselling-individuals/



I get the sense that you don't REALLY know why you split up - or why you've changed your mind.

You need to work this out for yourself first - then you can talk to your (ex) wife about it.

Balmed Out

I'd second the counselling. Leaving a marriage of 13 years without taking time to think it through seems to me to be irrational, could you be suffering depression or something?
Ps. I have no expertise or experience in anything similar to this

Wibbs

While I realize you were looking for a mens perspective, the forum isn't really for that. The Relationship issues forum is it's more natural home. Regardless, I hope you find the right outcome for you(and her). Good luck.