How do I stop being so shy?

LegacyUser

So my story is that my shyness/social anxiety has ruined a lot of things for me in life so far and i'm concerned it will ruin my next big step. I'm 23 and the last time I remember not suffering from this is when I was around 12-15 years old. It went downhill from there and feels like it's just getting worse for me.

I was lucky enough to have friends when it first set in and thus I didn't notice it too much. My voice would tremble a bit sometimes when reading in front of class at school and I'd go bright red the odd time but nothing too unmanageable. I even got myself a girlfriend when I was 18.

The problem really kicked in when I went to college. I never attended class parties or tried to interact with people from my class due to shyness. I was really in love with the aforementioned gf also and she was insecure about me talking to girls in my class so that also stopped me from going to parties. But mainly it was down to being really shy. I started to then feel depressed about it. Why could I not bring myself to interact?

It escalated and got even worse. I remember one module had a presentation aspect worth 30% of marks and I just never went in for it due to fear of standing in front of everyone and talking, sacrificing the 30%. Then another had a lecturer who actively asked different people questions during class and I never attended that module due to fear of the spotlight being on me.

I graduated from college anyway with a 2:1, and without this shyness it surely could've been a first. The gf broke up with me in 3rd year of college and I eventually made 2 friends in the class. I rarely see them now though.

I managed to get myself a job last year, my first post-college job. Despite my shyness, I do have a good personality and sense of humour and it shone through in the interview despite being a nervous wreck. But my shyness still keeps getting worse. At work, a job I've been in for a year, I've made 0 friends. I started off well, making small talk despite my shyness, going out to lunch. But eventually I resorted to my old ways of behaving. Not interacting, being too shy to even say hi to people, going for lunch on my own or just eating at my desk. Eventually people have just stopped inviting me for lunch or even chatting with me.

I go bright red any time my boss talks to me. If I see people that I know but who are not in my comfort zone in the street I get a surge of adrenaline and try avoiding them. Anytime i'm in a conversation with someone I find eye contact awkward. I find i've got a laser-like focus on myself during interactions. Am I going red? Why can't I look the person in the eye for longer than a few seconds? This person must think i'm awkward etc.

This can't really go on for much longer to be honest. It has ruined so many things for me in life. From my experience in college, to my social life (non-existent) to everyday interactions that add richness to peoples lives like a nice chat with a shopkeeper or a neighbour. I'm just wondering how do I overcome it? I don't want medication. I understand a lot about social anxiety, the automatic negative thoughts. But knowing is not enough.

Apologies for the really long post, but I really wanna beat this. Is it just about putting myself out there? Forcing myself to interact despite the shyness? I'm moving to the other side of the world in 2 weeks and if my shyness ruins that experience then I dunno what the hell i'm gonna do.

Rubberchikken

a lot of people are naturally shy, and that's perfectly fine, nut it only becomes a problem when it stops them from doing things they want to do.
you have been through college, had a GF, made friends, got a job and are now going to the other side of the world. so many things to be proud of and you haven't let shyness stop you.

i don't know if anything much can be done to help in two weeks, but if you wanted to look into counselling, maybe CBT, so a quick chat with your gp would steer you in the right direction.

in the meantime keep reminding yourself of all the positivem things you have achieved and tell yourself you're well able to deal with whatever life sends you.

very best of luck

brevity

Do you have any hobbies, things that interest you or that you might get passionate about?

Find what those things are and maybe find people who have similar interests to you.

Try something like. http://www.macra.ie

bee06

My heart goes out to you because I've been there. I used to be terrified I'd be picked to read in class and if I did I'd get redder and redder and eventually lose the ability to even speak. In college, I took a module I had absolutely no interest in just to avoid a presentation. When I started work I would go on lunch with a group but never said anything. If someone did speak to me I'd go bright red.

It's been 11 years since I left college and when I think back to how much I've changed its a bit mad. For me it was a gradual thing where I would take little steps outside my comfort zone like actually talking to people or inviting myself on lunch with a different group. It would be painful at the time but if I kept making the baby steps my comfort zone would grow a bit. My shyness has been mostly gone for about 4 years. I still have people say I'm quiet which sometimes annoys me but I'm quiet now because I don't feel the need to fill empty silence with random jibber jabber not because I'm scared to talk at all.

I still don't really like presentations and I get so nervous beforehand but I know I can do it so I just keep reminding myself of that. It sounds like being social is something you can do but you got your confidence knocked at some stage? Remind yourself of the times you have done these things and keep making those baby steps.

I'm sure professional help would really help as well and maybe quicker than my suggestions but I wanted to give you my first hand experience and how I dealt with it.