Am I wrong to be hurt over this?

LegacyUser

Im 24 weeks pregnant so Im not sure how Im supposed to be reacting to this, not sure to trust my hormones or I should be concerned.

Im in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and pregnant. Thats not really the issue the issue a few weeks ago I was discussing things the baby will need. I have only asked him to pay for the car seat and base which is 250, on video chat that time he acted quite strangely and didnt really answer me till I said Im not paying for everything, he said he would get bottles and some vests. I said no you can get the car seat etc. He just said ok.

Again last night I sent him the link as requested just said get it whenever he can and he says he will see what he can do.
Im not sure how Im supposed to be feeling about this? Does he expect me to pay for everything for the baby? Advice needed please as this has really upset me.

Neyite

No, not wrong. As far as I'm concerned the parents should chip in equally. Was this a planned baby for you both? Because if it was, I'd be well pissed off at his stalling on paying his share of child-related expenses.

How long are you both together? Has he discussed what he feels his level of involvement should be?

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

No, not wrong. As far as I'm concerned the parents should chip in equally. Was this a planned baby for you both? Because if it was, I'd be well pissed off at his stalling on paying his share of child-related expenses.

How long are you both together? Has he discussed what he feels his level of involvement should be?

No he wasnt planned, we spoke about it. Didnt do anything to prevent it. I was actually told I couldnt concieve so it was still a shock.

2 years. Not really no but in fairness I havent brought it up either.

skallywag

Neyite wrote: »

Was this a planned baby for you both? Because if it was, I'd be well pissed off at his stalling on paying his share of child-related expenses

I agree with this.

OP, how is his spending potential at the moment, could there be possible genuine concerns on his ability to find the money at the moment?

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

I agree with this.

OP, how is his spending potential at the moment, could there be possible genuine concerns on his ability to find the money at the moment?

No there isnt, I also pointed out that he can buy it in gift cards if there was as he was buying a new sofa and 50 inch TV for his house.

I stressed there wasn't a rush on it and he could do it between now and just before the baby is born. He later back tracked saying he would get it but still I cant seem to get over his reaction.

Dog of Tears

It's quite frankly amazing that you're in a relationship together, having a baby together, yet have not seemingly discussed joint finance arrangements.

You'd want to be setting some time aside to get this sorted out.

dudara

The two of you are having a baby together - you genuinely need to have a serious conversation around funding and time management.

You mention that it is a long distance relationship. Have you had an opportunity to discuss moving closer together so as to provide a support network for each other? The baby will cost both time and money.

How would you describe his attitude towards this pregnancy? Is he interested, involved, resistant etc?

Big Bag of Chips

What does he see his role as a father being? Is it still going to be a long distance relationship once the baby arrives? Is there any chance of you living together? Or are you going to be a single parent with him paying you maintenance? Before the baby is born all this needs to be ironed out, because after the baby is born you will be tired, sore, emotional and small matters might seem more than they are. Time to get a plan in place now, rather than being in the middle of it all and then arguing that it is difficult and that it should have all been sorted out before.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

The two of you are having a baby together - you genuinely need to have a serious conversation around funding and time management.

You mention that it is a long distance relationship. Have you had an opportunity to discuss moving closer together so as to provide a support network for each other? The baby will cost both time and money.

How would you describe his attitude towards this pregnancy? Is he interested, involved, resistant etc?

Yes, I am going to spend the summer with him to give me an idea what its like to live over there. We both have our own houses so I guess it isnt a case of getting up and leaving.

I honestly dont know how he feels, he doesnt bring it up often. I said this to him and he improved a bit. I honestly dont really want him there if he doesnt want to be.

I was in an abusive marriage for 9 years so Im not really good at expressing my feelings or speaking up.

skallywag

ophere wrote: »

I was actually told I couldnt concieve so it was still a shock.

OP, did you communicate this to him, and if so would you see any chance that he may possibly be harbouring some resentment to the fact that you are now pregnant, while he may have thought that falling pregnant was not possible? Or put another way, how would you rate his enthusiasm on the pregnancy in general?

sReq | uTeK

He's buying a new couch and 50 inch TV but wouldn't get a car seat, tell him to cop the **** on.

Looks like he didn't want the child from his responses, sorry to say.

Neyite

I think its time for the conversation OP. You have to discuss more than just a car seat here - you need to know are you a family in this, or are you going it alone as a single mum. You need to know how involved he wants to be - and if he is not going to volunteer to pay his share, then you need to hammer out a maintenance agreement with him.

He's had plenty of time to get his head around the shock an unplanned pregnancy brings. And you've been two years together so long enough for him to decide whether you were a fling for him or not. BBOC is right - you DONT want to be discussing these financial/family setup matters post natal. If you feel its something that you cant verbalise when on skype, write it down in an email then ask him to read it and you can talk about the details together.

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

OP, did you communicate this to him, and if so would you see any chance that he may possibly be harbouring some resentment to the fact that you are now pregnant, while he may have thought that falling pregnant was not possible? Or put another way, how would you rate his enthusiasm on the pregnancy in general?

Of course I did, I even bought condoms to use but he didnt want to. He said if I ever did he would be ok with it.

He could well be harbouring resentment, I dont know.

I would say overall he seems to be happy about it but different days he seems interested and others not.

Rubberchikken

i think the least of your worries should be a car seat.
this man doesn't even seem enthuastic about his future child. you both need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what the future holds.

Big Bag of Chips

ophere wrote: »

We both have our own houses so I guess it isnt a case of getting up and leaving.

Surely that makes it easier to get up and leave as you (or he) has a base to go to? One house gets rented out and you all live together as a family in the other house?

Sorry to say OP, but from what you say it sounds like you are gearing yourself (whether consciously or not) to be a single parent, and it sounds like he plans on being a dad from a distance.

However difficult or uncomfortable it is you need to start communicating with each other. If you can't do it face to face then do as Neyite suggests and start with an email.

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i think the least of your worries should be a car seat.
this man doesn't even seem enthuastic about his future child. you both need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what the future holds.

Its not so much the car seat, its how he reacted when I asked him to get it.

And yes thanks I do know I need to talk to him, will gear myself up for that one. And I don't think its so easy to move so far away when you have responsible at home and family hence the trail run in the summer.

Thanks for all your input.

seenitall

ophere wrote: »

the trail run in the summer.

Hi OP,

this jumped out at me. A trial run in the summer, you say?

But you're 24 weeks pregnant now.

So... you are planning to have a trial run of living together, starting with a newborn of a few weeks on your hands.

I'm sure it will be great craic relocating, moving your belongings and your life at that stage of the game, not to mention getting used to living together, with a newborn baby to add some pep into the proceedings. It has all the hallmarks of being a great success.

I think it's a terrible idea, OP. Either stay put, or work out something before then. Anything.

December2012

Why are you living long distance? uoi should be living together now, not at the summer time.

It's time to put your new family first.

whats_my_name

OP having a baby is overwhelming enough without adding the stress of relocating & adjusting to living with someone. These are milestone occasions in your life that will be happening within weeks of each other. What support network do you have where you are moving to?

strobe

Any chance he was just a bit dumbstruck at finding out that a car seat is going to cost 250? I've no kids and would have took a wild guess of about 30... could be a load of nothing.

Big Bag of Chips

Actually, strobe makes a good point... Have you discussed together what needs to be bought and how much you are going to spend, or are you just picking things out and telling them this is what you've decided on. Surely if he is contributing he should at least be involved in the decision of which one to buy.

LegacyUser

Yes we have discussed what the baby needs. And no I wasnt just picking stuff out and saying for him to pay for it. The only thing I asked him to pay for was the car seat and base. That is it. I think contributing 250 for your new baby is not a big ask and yes he can afford it.

I was asking for opinions on whether I was wrong to feel upset at his react at buying it. Which we discussed 3 weeks previous. He expected to get some bottles and vests.

Also I am not moving there, I am going for the summer because it is really the only time I have available to be able to go, my daughter needs to finish the school year out and I want her to finish 6th class before I move if thats what we agree on. I need to make sure she will be happy there before I uproot her from my family. Her dads family are in England so not an issue.

thefeatheredcat

OP does he himself have kids already, or nephews/nieces, has he friends that have had babies that gives him some insight into what stuff you need to get for a baby?
If he hasn't and doesn't have any insight into what a baby would need other than the obvious of bibs and bottles, that could explain his reaction, a car seat may not have been the first thing to jump into his mind and he probably wouldn't have thought they would cost much anyway, as someone else already mentioned.
I don't think it's wrong to be hurt by his response.... it sounds like he isn't really that involved in the process of the pregnancy other than to be happy enough about it... the question I suppose you might want to ask yourself is does he want to be involved in the process, being there for you, jointly going shopping and buying baby stuff, y'know doing all that sort of preparation together? Perhaps this is something you also need to bring up with him?

Big Bag of Chips

I think this is just a simple communication issue. Maybe he thought you were going to buy everything because you knew what you were looking for. And didn't even consider cost. He probably doesn't know much about buggies or car seats (obvious by the fact that you're sending him a link of the one you've decided on) and thought bottles and vests were a safe bet!

From what you say there doesn't seem to be good communication between you. Which is vital in a LDR, simply because for the most part it's all you have! And it is even more vital now that you have a baby on the way.

Rather than him being hurtful or mean or stingy or whatever you think he was being, maybe he was honestly just clueless. And as mentioned before, this, in the grand scheme of things, is a fairly minor issue, but because communication isn't great between you it has the potential to turn into something it's not.

You are having a baby together. You need to get over your problem of not being great at talking up for yourself and learn how to communicate with each other. Otherwise you're going to have bigger problems than carseats.