Thoughts on this...?

route9

Just looking to get some female opinions on a strange situation. I'm in my mid-30s and I have been seeing a girl in her mid-20s since mid-November now (can't believe it's been that long for reasons that will become apparent). I think I said 'seeing' there instead of 'going out', since it doesn't actually feel like we have been going out or are girlfriend and boyfriend at all. In fact, imo, we aren't.

To sum it up, we have been on about 10-11 dates, and each night we've had a nice time, we kiss and are close, but have gone home our separate ways at the end of the night. She doesn't show any affection towards me, a simple example is on New Years Eve where she couldn't even stick an 'X' in her Happy NYE text when wishing me a Happy New Year (and I of course said it first). Lately we haven't been seeing each other as much, and she has cancelled on plans we had made at really short notice, without doing me the courtesy of letting me know beforehand.

This has been pretty frustrating to say the least, and I'm not sure what to think. I gave her the option of backing out of the 'relationship' on Friday, when after she told me she couldn't make it out (we had talked about heading out Friday night), I asked her (over text) if she wanted to leave it as she didn't seem interested in meeting again. She brushed it off in her reply, saying she was just going to be having a really busy weekend and had stuff to do for work (which I actually helped her with yesterday).

My guess is that she is simply happy to string me along, maybe just to be able to say she 'has a boyfriend', and possibly for the attention as well. I do (did I guess) like her, but I think I am just going to stop replying to her (infrequent) texts so that she gets the message.

Any thoughts?

IvyTheTerrible

route9 wrote: »

Just looking to get some female opinions on a strange situation. I'm in my mid-30s and I have been seeing a girl in her mid-20s since mid-November now (can't believe it's been that long for reasons that will become apparent). I think I said 'seeing' there instead of 'going out', since it doesn't actually feel like we have been going out or are girlfriend and boyfriend at all. In fact, imo, we aren't.

To sum it up, we have been on about 10-11 dates, and each night we've had a nice time, we kiss and are close, but have gone home our separate ways at the end of the night. She doesn't show any affection towards me, a simple example is on New Years Eve where she couldn't even stick an 'X' in her Happy NYE text when wishing me a Happy New Year (and I of course said it first). Lately we haven't been seeing each other as much, and she has cancelled on plans we had made at really short notice, without doing me the courtesy of letting me know beforehand.

This has been pretty frustrating to say the least, and I'm not sure what to think. I gave her the option of backing out of the 'relationship' on Friday, when after she told me she couldn't make it out (we had talked about heading out Friday night), I asked her (over text) if she wanted to leave it as she didn't seem interested in meeting again. She brushed it off in her reply, saying she was just going to be having a really busy weekend and had stuff to do for work (which I actually helped her with yesterday).

My guess is that she is simply happy to string me along, maybe just to be able to say she 'has a boyfriend', and possibly for the attention as well. I do (did I guess) like her, but I think I am just going to stop replying to her (infrequent) texts so that she gets the message.

Any thoughts?

Could you give her a phonecall and actually have a chat about your relationship? It's a lot easier to communicate to avoid misunderstandings if you can hear someone's voice.

lukesmom

Maybe she's just not the affectionate type. Question is can you be with her when she frustrates you?

Lucyfur

MOD

The Ladies Lounge isn't a forum for advice from other women. I have moved your thread to RI. Their charter now applies.

All the best.

Keane2baMused

She's giving you the non committal brush off. And im saying this as a woman! It's an awful thing to do but it happens. Sounds like she's not sure what she wants, so she doesn't want to end things before she figures it out (or has a better offer - or her idea of better- sorry!)

Personally I think if she is continually cancelling plans given its in the early days I would probably cool it if not end it completely.

woodchuck

I think you just need to have a frank conversation about what you're both looking for in a relationship (or if she wants a relationship at all).

route9

Keane2baMused wrote: »

She's giving you the non committal brush off. And im saying this as a woman! It's an awful thing to do but it happens. Sounds like she's not sure what she wants, so she doesn't want to end things before she figures it out (or has a better offer - or her idea of better- sorry!)

Personally I think if she is continually cancelling plans given its in the early days I would probably cool it if not end it completely.

Have to say I agree. It might not be the case, but it sure feels like it. I met with her yesterday for a few hours and her sister was also there as we were both helping her with something. As we were leaving, I kind of expected her to maybe say to her sis 'oh I'll follow you in, two secs', and then say goodbye properly and have a quick chat. Instead she just stood there and I know that if I had have just walked off without going in to kiss her, she probably wouldn't have said anything or probably even cared.

route9

I also texted her a jokey message last night - no reply. If she replies (almost certainly not tonight, maybe tomorrow), I'm going to ignore her.

XxMCRxBabyxX

route9 wrote: »

I also texted her a jokey message last night - no reply. If she replies (almost certainly not tonight, maybe tomorrow), I'm going to ignore her.

You're in your 30s. Is ignoring her really the way to go about this? Tell her how you feel straight and then if it's over, it's over. Ignoring her just creates a new bad situation.

woodchuck

route9 wrote: »

I also texted her a jokey message last night - no reply. If she replies (almost certainly not tonight, maybe tomorrow), I'm going to ignore her.

Well that's mature :rolleyes: Mid-30s you say!?

Seriously, why can't you just have an adult conversation with her about this?

kippy

I think at this stage both of you need to be a bit more adult about it. Meet up. Have a discussion. Text messages are not bedt used as a way to judge a person.

route9

Ok I was a bit rash there, I won't ignore her, especially as I wouldn't accept that being done to me. But since it has been pretty much all one way so far, any replies are going to be fairly brief I reckon. It really does a get a bit old when you are the one constantly chasing the other person and getting little to nothing back in return.

TheBeardedLady

route9 wrote: »

Ok I was a bit rash there, I won't ignore her, especially as I wouldn't accept that being done to me. But since it has been pretty much all one way so far, any replies are going to be fairly brief I reckon. It really does a get a bit old when you are the one constantly chasing the other person and getting little to nothing back in return.

Talk to her. Tell HER how you feel and what you want (a proper relationship by the sounds of it). Nobody can interpret how she's feeling from just a post. Be straight with her and save yourself the headwreak.

Merkin

Keane2baMused wrote: »

She's giving you the non committal brush off. And im saying this as a woman! It's an awful thing to do but it happens. Sounds like she's not sure what she wants, so she doesn't want to end things before she figures it out (or has a better offer - or her idea of better- sorry!)

Personally I think if she is continually cancelling plans given its in the early days I would probably cool it if not end it completely.

Totally agree with this. She doesn't sound all that arsed either but likes the attention. I personally wouldn't bother. A fledgling relationship should be fun and enjoyable at this stage, this clearly isn't.

seventeen sheep

I wouldn't read too much into her being slow to reply to texts, or not texting much, or not including x's in her texts, etc. Some people just aren't into texting, nothing wrong with it. And I don't blame her for brushing it off when you asked her a serious question about your relationship by text - most people would rather speak about that sort of thing face-to-face, or at least over the phone, rather than by text.

No one here can tell you if she's interested in a proper relationship with you or not - she's the only person who can tell you that. So meet up with her for a proper chat about where things are going.

It's not fair to accuse her of stringing you along when she might be just as clueless as you about where you both stand. Talk to her!

quickq987

Have to say I kind of disagree with some of the responses. At the start of a relationship it is about games regardless of age. we want people for the challenge and mystery. If someone is completely available to us whenever we want them to be, we wont want them. Maybe im wrong here but i think that you should pull back a little, don't text her back for a while. Leave her hanging and when you do text back don't leave the message open for her to text back, as in don't ask any questions it will soon become apparent if she is trying to hang on to you. I hope you work things out you seem like a nice guy

route9

quickq987 wrote: »

Have to say I kind of disagree with some of the responses. At the start of a relationship it is about games regardless of age. we want people for the challenge and mystery. If someone is completely available to us whenever we want them to be, we wont want them. Maybe im wrong here but i think that you should pull back a little, don't text her back for a while. Leave her hanging and when you do text back don't leave the message open for her to text back, as in don't ask any questions it will soon become apparent if she is trying to hang on to you. I hope you work things out you seem like a nice guy

Thanks but I think games are fine for a bit of entertainment if you're 22 and in college or something, but past that stage it's a bit farcical really. I don't think that not playing games means you are going to be completely available, it just means you are being and acting upfront about what you are about and what you're looking for.

At the end of the day, if one of your friends started ignoring or forgetting to reply to your texts, then you'd call them on it. I see this as no different, especially as it's not like we've only just started dating.

In any case, I mentioned about meeting tomorrow night and she seemed on for it. If she flakes or doesn't reply to my last message, then I'll just say we need to talk on the phone. I don't mind being single but what I do mind is not knowing where I stand with someone! So I'll be putting a stop to any ambiguity.

blacklilly

route9 wrote: »

Thanks but I think games are fine for a bit of entertainment if you're 22 and in college or something, but past that stage it's a bit farcical really. I don't think that not playing games means you are going to be completely available, it just means you are being and acting upfront about what you are about and what you're looking for.

At the end of the day, if one of your friends started ignoring or forgetting to reply to your texts, then you'd call them on it. I see this as no different, especially as it's not like we've only just started dating.

In any case, I mentioned about meeting tomorrow night and she seemed on for it. If she flakes or doesn't reply to my last message, then I'll just say we need to talk on the phone. I don't mind being single but what I do mind is not knowing where I stand with someone! So I'll be putting a stop to any ambiguity.

I could have written yours posts back in November of last year. I met a guy (mid 30's) and like you went on countless dates with him yet something didn't seem right. I ended up calling him out on it and he didn't even have the manners to be honest with me. It's incredibly frustrating and as you say, it's the not knowing where you stand and the annoyance that some people are incapable of being upfront/honest.

Brego888

route9 wrote: »

At the end of the day, if one of your friends started ignoring or forgetting to reply to your texts, then you'd call them on it. I see this as no different, especially as it's not like we've only just started dating.

So call her on it. Follow your own advice.

arayess

Don't mind the others...ignore her if you want as in walk away without the need to dissect the relationship with her. .well there doesn't appear to be any. Why waste that call with somebody like that?
In my experience if you think there is something amiss there usually is.

route9

blacklilly wrote: »

I could have written yours posts back in November of last year. I met a guy (mid 30's) and like you went on countless dates with him yet something didn't seem right. I ended up calling him out on it and he didn't even have the manners to be honest with me. It's incredibly frustrating and as you say, it's the not knowing where you stand and the annoyance that some people are incapable of being upfront/honest.

Yep, sounds exactly the same. The 'something didn't seem right' is so what I was thinking about 5-6 dates in or thereabouts. Technically we had the little chat where we agreed we were now 'going out' - except to me it still didn't actually feel like we were going out at all. Weird.

The problem is that she comes from a wealthy family and lives in a wealthy part of Dublin. In her case, this adds up to 'little princess' syndrome where you are the centre of your own universe and the people around you are just there to be called upon when you feel like it. Nothing matters apart from you, and what you want and what suits you at any particular point in time.

It's a shame as after years of being single and online dating I met this girl at a dating event (i.e. in real life first), and I thought this might finally be when I got to just have a relationship with someone.

I had been thinking it was too good to be true though, and knowing how my instincts are nearly always right, I should have realised I was right even sooner. The funny thing is though (and the one positive that has come out of this!) is that I have realised I am happier single and not bothering with women or chasing them - I'm officially done with all of that jazz.

route9

Brego888 wrote: »

So call her on it. Follow your own advice.

I could do that, but I just don't think I'd give her the satisfaction. Reckon it may be far better to just leave it, and have her wonder why I'm not texting / getting in touch with her anymore. I'm sure she has an inkling.

route9

arayess wrote: »

Don't mind the others...ignore her if you want as in walk away without the need to dissect the relationship with her. .well there doesn't appear to be any. Why waste that call with somebody like that?
In my experience if you think there is something amiss there usually is.

Sent her a text on Saturday, and another one on Monday - no reply to either. So if she does happen to bother her princess a*s to reply, then it will be duly ignored. And if she doesn't, then that's probably the perfect outcome (let her wonder why I haven't texted a third time).

TheBeardedLady

route9 wrote: »

The problem is that she comes from a wealthy family and lives in a wealthy part of Dublin. In her case, this adds up to 'little princess' syndrome where you are the centre of your own universe and the people around you are just there to be called upon when you feel like it. Nothing matters apart from you, and what you want and what suits you at any particular point in time.

If this is the case, why would you have any interest in being with someone who was like that?

TheBeardedLady

route9 wrote: »

Sent her a text on Saturday, and another one on Monday - no reply to either. So if she does happen to bother her princess a*s to reply, then it will be duly ignored. And if she doesn't, then that's probably the perfect outcome (let her wonder why I haven't texted a third time).

I wouldn't have bothered texting the second time and if I did, I'd be making my feelings very clear (calmly). The fact that you want to leave her guessing sounds as if you want to play some pointless game with her. It's time to move on, man.

route9

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

If this is the case, why would you have any interest in being with someone who was like that?

I wouldn't - but it's only in retrospect you can see it. You look back over the little things she said and didn't say, did and didn't do, and it becomes clear. Plus she was always really sweet on all the dates, and to an outside observer you would think she was plenty into me. Lots of eye contact, smiling, etc. Just weird more than anything really.

TheBeardedLady

route9 wrote: »

I wouldn't - but it's only in retrospect you can see it. You look back over the little things she said and didn't say, did and didn't do, and it becomes clear. Plus she was always really sweet on all the dates, and to an outside observer you would think she was plenty into me. Lots of eye contact, smiling, etc. Just weird more than anything really.

Fair enough. What's done is done. I really would just move on at this stage. It doesn't sound as if she was ever that arsed. Find someone who doesn't make you feel like the poo on their shoe.

route9

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Fair enough. What's done is done. I really would just move on at this stage.

Already have! I was just replying to the past few comments - appreciate them all

TheBeardedLady

route9 wrote: »

Already have! I was just replying to the past few comments - appreciate them all

Good man. There's really nothing worse for your confidence than someone who only pays lip service to a "relationship". It's soul destroying and as you said, it's hard to see the wood for the trees because they're so nice when they see you giving you false hope. I think many of us have been there. Good luck!

blacklilly

route9 wrote: »

I have realised I am happier single and not bothering with women or chasing them - I'm officially done with all of that jazz.

I think most people would be happier single than be with someone you describe who messed them about, however there are so many nice, straight forward, honest single women out there, don't let the experience of little Ms, Princess scupper your chances of meeting one of the good ones:)

tara73

route9 wrote: »

Sent her a text on Saturday, and another one on Monday - no reply to either. So if she does happen to bother her princess a*s to reply, then it will be duly ignored. And if she doesn't, then that's probably the perfect outcome (let her wonder why I haven't texted a third time).

you were at that point some posts ago and surely it's your decision, but why do you want to act in the same (childish) way as her and ignore her.

let her wonder why you didn't reply. can't you see you are operating the same style as her?

why don't you send her a simple text sth. like: see, it's not working out between us, I'm always running behind you so I'll move on and please don't contact me anymore.
This would be a clear and non misunderstandable cut.
if she's a games player and you ignore her, I'm sure sooner or later she'll come back to you and might wreck your head again. do you want that?

at this stage it seems you need or want the games too.

route9

tara73 wrote: »

you were at that point some posts ago and surely it's your decision, but why do you want to act in the same (childish) way as her and ignore her.

let her wonder why you didn't reply. can't you see you are operating the same style as her?

why don't you send her a simple text sth. like: see, it's not working out between us, I'm always running behind you so I'll move on and please don't contact me anymore.
This would be a clear and non misunderstandable cut.
if she's a games player and you ignore her, I'm sure sooner or later she'll come back to you and might wreck your head again. do you want that?

at this stage it seems you need or want the games too.

No I don't and there is no need for any replying or not replying as she hasn't been in touch all week. That's the best possible outcome - when I realised earlier this week that she wouldn't be texting again (you get a sense for these things), I was actually relieved that I was rid of her!