I'm winding down

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm not necessarily in a bad place, but, I'm accepting that I'm not going to be living a long and happy life.

I'll be hitting my 30s this year, but I have had a serious alcohol addiction since I was about 16, and it has graduated to the stage of a bottle of vodka a day. Obviously this isn't great, and I already got notification from the blood donor clinic that I couldn't donate anymore as my red blood cells are too large. I do not have high hopes for my liver.

I'm a functioning alcoholic. That may not make sense to most people, but I have a good job and I am capable of it. I could be a lot better if it wasn't for the drink, but, as it stands, I'm above average.

I'm getting so tired of this. It's like an extra layer that makes everything so much more difficult. I can handle work stress, personal stuff, being there for friends, making sure my parents aren't worried about me; but, at the same time, I'm bouncing what is basically an obsession with alcohol around.

I've tried AA. I've tried counselling. I lost a relationship that was very important to me because of this. I know that we hear the success stories of people who fight and win this, but not everybody can win.

I don't really know what to do. I kind of want to give up, but there's some stubborn part of me that won't allow that. I, at least, want to keep going while my parents are around.

DeclanJWhite

How did you lose the relationship?

Keane2baMused

Are you in a position to attend a rehab clinic? It could really help you

Mike747

Well at least you're functioning, you're not wandering the streets getting wrecked on cheap cider.

Maybe you could taper off a bit, go down to half a bottle a day?

power pants

as you get older being a functioning alcoholic will become harder and harder to do.

If you can, maybe it is time to take some time off work and sort out some sort of plan, be it looking into booking yourself into somewhere, speaking to your GP etc

Your health will only go one way , the way you are going and you know this as you recognise the situation you are in.

Beaner1

Try everything. Make it your number one goal to beat this. You are at an age where you could lose 20 good years or more of your life to this addiction.

sadie06

Grab that stubborn part of yourself OP, and focus on it, because that is the part of you that is going to beat this.

You say you have tried AA, and tried counselling, but if your heart wasn't in it at the time, they were never going to work. Your chosen user name says so much to me. 'Tired'. Your body is tired. Your mind is tired. It's exhausting doing all this pretending! 'Tired' is not 'beaten' though.

You are lucky….you are not yet 30. You are functioning. If you have the strength to have functioned and balanced all the things you mentioned above for as long as you have, you have the strength to turn this around!

Nobody needs to tell you the avenues to seek out, as you have sought them out before. Do it again, but approach it all with that stubborn streak of yours, and don't give up. Wake up!

I sincerely wish you lots of luck.

DeclanJWhite

You were saying how you can handle work, stress, being there for friends, making sure your parents aren't worried about you...

You can never make your parents not worried about you and it's not your responsibility to even try that, really.

I think if you are on the amount of drink each day that you said, you are not handling work, stress, and I don't know how you can say you're there for anyone, friends or otherwise, with that much drink. Now, I do not say that to reprimand. As you say, you're a functioning alcoholic, so you're performing all these functions. I don't contradict and do not at all wish to argue against a nice post that elicits a poignant reaction in the reader. :-)

I just mean, let all those things you perform so well and so conscientiously - let your perfect performance slide a little, they are less important than your well being and the real, flawed you. You're much more valuable and likeable to yourself and others as a dysfunctional human being than a functional alcoholic. You can't beat us, so you may as well join us! :-P

Rubberchikken

What do you want to achieve in life?
Do you want to cut down/cut out the alcohol?

LegacyUser

The fact that you are admitting your problem (even if it is anonymously) is so brave. And the fact you have ambivalence towards it is excellent. You can beat this. I think you should take that stubborn part of you that doesn't want to give up and focus on it with all your might. As others have said, rehab might be a great step, if you feel that would be right for you. I've heard stories of people who have drank their whole life, lost almost everything, but have managed to come back from alcoholism. It's not easy but you can do it.

Good luck OP! x

Merkin

I think a residential rehab programme would be a good option. I know someone who did this recently after numerous failed attempts with AA, counselling etc and she has been sober since. It's always going to be one day at a time for her but something clicked this time. I've heard great things about the Rutland Centre so why don't you call them? http://www.rutlandcentre.ie

Also, don't confuse being a 'functioning' alcoholic as doing it unbeknownst to others. People know. If you're drinking that heavily, people know and as your volumes increase, more and more people will know too. You've already lost a relationship over this so don't let it destroy you. Phone the Rutland.

skallywag

Nice post OP, I particularly like your description of your obsession with alcohol as being 'an extra layer', and also your candour without resorting to trying to excuse things one way or another.

The group dynamic of something like AA is not always going to suit everyone, nor will traditional 'counselling'. Have you tried having a chat with your GP? If you have a good relationship with your GP, and feel comfortable talking to her/him, then it can often be a very good first port of call. E.g. you could inform your GP about the enlarged red cells, run some other tests such as liver function etc on the back of this, and just get a general discussion going. Going by your age the chances are low that you have already done catastrophic damage to your body, though some early indicators could certainly be present such as fatty liver, etc. Seeing proof of the consequences of your drinking in black and white in front of you can be a great motivator for rectifying the situation.

ManOfMystery

Tired... wrote: »

I know that we hear the success stories of people who fight and win this, but not everybody can win.

Why not? What makes other people any better, or stronger or more adept at beating their addictions than you? Nothing at all. It comes down to willpower, and you have just as much chance of beating it as any of them do.

Verifiednames made a good suggestion about grabbing that stubborn part of your personality and putting it to use. What I would add to that is - alcohol is not your friend, even though it sits on your shoulder and whispers sweet nothings in your ear all day long.

It's your enemy ................ because it wants to ruin your health, your life and your relationships. Treat it as such, and that stubborn part of your personality will not give in to it and allow it to get one up on you. You are in an ongoing battle with alcohol, and you need to convince yourself you can win - and you will.

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Thank you for your replies. I was kind of dreading reading them at first as I thought they would be more along the "cop yourself on and stop drinking" variety. I've read them a few times over the last few days, and I really appreciate them. There's nobody in real life that I can talk to about this.

I lost the relationship because I ended it to choose alcohol instead. We had discussed how this was a big thing, and I agreed to give up drink. Instead, what happened, was that I only drank when he was not around. That made me feel resentful and I felt so itchy when we were spending time together and I couldn't drink. It's a horrible way to be, and I suggested a break, which became a breakup, and which is probably the most stupid thing I've done yet.

I agree with those of you who are saying that people DO know that I'm drinking like this. They have to! It's crap because I am always conscious of smelling of drink. So, people come and sit near me for meetings and the like, and I spend half my time trying to breathe away from them. Which probably doesn't work anyway. I'm in charge of a seriously large project at the moment, and I had a conversation with the head guys at home a while ago, and I expected this to be brought up, but it wasn't. So, I guess they may know, but as long as I'm holding this up, it's ok for them.

I take baths in the morning instead of showers to try and sweat the smell of alcohol out of me, but I'm sure that doesn't work either. I'm only comfortable when I'm out with people in a bar, and I have a legitimate reason to have my breath smelling of drink. It's a constant struggle.

To be honest, I never really thought of residential treatment. I did look up the Rutland before in desperation, but it's extremely expensive (and that's not an excuse - but it's true). How could I broach it with work? It's a step that is extremely scary to me. And, the thing is, I want to not have an addition like this. But, at the same time, alcohol has been my most consistent companion for years. I logically know that my life would be so much better without it, but it's so difficult. I have tried to quit so many times that I'm wondering how I can get to a point where it actually works - or, if I cannot.

skallywag

Tired... wrote: »

How could I broach it with work? It's a step that is extremely scary to me

How is your relationship with your boss and peers at work, i.e. do you feel you could have an honest discussion with them in that they would also have your best interests at heart?

If they are already aware of your drinking, and by the sounds of your description then I think they may well be, then you yourself raising the point first will put you in a far better position than someone at work pointing it out to you.

Have you tried going a couple of days a week without? e.g. even just trying to cut out say Monday and Tuesday. That in itself would be a massive leap forward.

Merkin

The Rutland is covered in full or in part by health insurance if you look on their website.

RossFixxxed

I more than understand the feeling that 'not everyone can win'. Hell I've been there myself. I always drew that imaginary line: THOSE type of people and people like me.

I watched Discovery channel's Everest show for years, and they were THOSE PEOPLE, who could go there etc. I just had a thought: how am I different? Yes I've had eight extensive surgeries that leave me in chronic pain, but are they THAT different? Well as I was walking to the Everest View hotel in the Himalayas with the Discovery Channel crew, I figured it out: NO. They just booked it and went, like I did.

I wasn't climbing, I wasn't tough, I was in constant pain, I broke down in tears, I got annoyed, stressed and so on. But I stood in the shadow of Everest with a couple of my heroes...

There is no divide, other than the ones your brain tells you there are. Any kind of (please excuse this expression) 'brain issue' (like depression, anxiety, self esteem issues etc.) will lie to you. And you will lie to yourself to try desperately to find a path of least resistance to try and get you through it. But getting through life isn't very much fun. I should point out I have a few 'brain issues' of my own, so this is said with understanding and compassion, not as a glib throwaway expression! Prime example:

I'm accepting that I'm not going to be living a long and happy life.

RUBBISH. Why not? It's easier to give in sometimes, impossible not to at other times. However, just for one minute assume that insidious voice in your head is a big dirty liar. Assume it's the same voice (and it is) that justifies having a few more drinks. It's the same voice that told me to keep smoking, to find reasons for it too. Don't believe what that jerk says in your ear, question and challenge it. In a years time you could be on K2, or teaching kids some really important lessons in life, or helping someone in a way you didn't expect. YOU could be the one who learns from all this awfulness and uses it to help others in the same situation, you could be helping me in a year's time for all we know. Do not listen to that attitude. I know, God do I know, how tough that is, but once you see it for the cowering, terrified little devil it is, you can start to asses things better. My own GP has said it's rare someone can express their issues as well as I do and that has me thinking that this awfulness could actually be turned into something that helps others, or guides someone. If I could help ONE person then that would make a big difference right? There's usually some way to try to turn this around. You can't just fix it instantly, you can't just up and leave from it, so why not grab it and make it useful?

You don't know me, but I am not a super fit, outgoing etc. type of person AT ALL, so if I can do things, there really is hope for anyone out there. I slip all the time, I make mistakes, I recess so far into myself it's almost navel gazing, and then I get back on the horse again!

There's a lot out there and an attitude of discovery/interest/curiosity or just sheer 'ah why not' can help a lot. Think about things you enjoy: Music, art, history, politics, video games, cooking, sweets or whatever and pursue these things! I'm actually surprised at times what I find interesting once I stumble into it.


HOWEVER, all that blathering said, you really need to start on your issues before getting to that stage. You've admitted to having a problem, and that is FANTASTIC. You've made a great step in the right direction. Why not try counselling / AA / whatever else again, with a different attitude? Once you start to feel a little better physically and mentally it does pick up momentum. You won't know yourself!

I really hope it works out for you OP, go easy on yourself and take small, constant steps to improve this situation. There is a TON of great people here on boards and we are all here to help. We are all genuinely concerned and we're rooting for you. We all love a success story and I'd bet you will be one of them!

LegacyUser

Thanks again guys.

Your posts are great and helpful. Again, it's so nice to read messages that are not judgmental.

I feel pretty unhappy / pissed off with all this. I'm very lucky in so many ways, and if it wasn't for the drink, I'd be doing so well. And I know that, for example, I could be dealing with an illness that I couldn't help myself with.

And then you can offer me help until you're blue in the face and I keep not taking it.

Ah - I don't know. But I wanted to say thanks. Some of your messages were really lovely.