Just feeling about...pointless?

LegacyUser

I'm finally working my dream job and I find it completely unfullfilling and feel hugely inadequate. I don't like where I live but I'm so sick of moving around. I have lots of friends but I'm not close to anyone. People genuinely love me but I feel that everyone sees me as their backup friend or second best friend or old friend but no one actually want to be with me or be there for me if there are other options. The last time I tried to call a friend because I was down she was quite helpful but said "It's really surprising and flattering that you'd call me about this." I'm glad she was flattered but I thought she was my best friend, she was the only person I would have spoken too but she didn't see us as being that close. I'm still not over my ex even though we broke up nearly six months ago and it was my idea to break up. I'm fine with being single, it makes sense for me to not be tied to another person right now but I still miss him and just generally feel lonely. I worry I'll never meet someone who could measure up to him. I worry that he never really loved me as he took the breakup completely in his stride and his life now is much better than it was when we were together. I'm also really reluctant to ever allow myself to fall in love because this breakup has literally destroyed me and I don't know how I'd handle going through something like this again. I wake up every morning feeling so positive, I keep busy. But still most evenings go to bed feeling completely isolated and alone. My life was so good this time two years ago and to anybody on the outside looking in it looks better now, but I hate it. I feel like I peaked at 22 and now it's all down hill till I die.

DeclanJWhite

You say your life looks good to someone outside looking in. The great life you say your ex-boyfriend now has may look great from the outside in just the same way.

You say you initiated the break up. That sounds like your boyfriend took the break up with his pride, not in his stride.

You say it's fine for you to be single and it makes sense not to be tied, yet the self-initiated break has destroyed you to the extent of distrusting loving again, not worth the loss, and you say you're still not over him.

Your problem is very puzzling and very interesting, and from that post alone, I am baffled of trying to make a sensible observation. You're a riddle wrapped in an enigma inside a mystery in that post, to quote someone...!

Actually, on re-reading it there, now, you say how you don't think any future love could measure up to the man you lost and you're worried he never really loved you because of how he took the break up? Were you also worried he never loved you, full stop, regardless of the break up? Those two things are striking, if you'd more to say about them...

LegacyUser

well I think that's sort of the root of the problem isn't it? Everything is confusing. If I just hated my ex and worried he didn't love me that would be fine but I also miss him and realise how much more enjoyable he made my life and how loved he made me feel (regardless of hindsight).

I think it's the same problem with friends, work and my love life in general. I mean, if I just had no friends well that would be fine, I'd just go make some new ones. But I have lots of lovely friends who really enjoy my company (and I theirs) but no matter how hard I try I can't get close to them.

When I say I'm happy single what I mean is that I enjoy my own company and make my own happiness (when I'm not feeling like **** that is). I enjoy dates, meeting new people etc. and don't feel the need for every date to evolve into a relationship. I will go anywhere alone from the cinema to a foreign country. I do acknowledge that most experiences and joys are better when shared, particularly by someone you're romantically attached too. Which is why I do in the long term want to find a partner, but I can aknowledge that now probably isnt the best time

I'm a positive person. Today I got up and had a lovely morning, them about lunch time, life hit me in the face and I realised how lonely, sad and stressful my life really is.

DeclanJWhite

I guess so! There's problems of the mind, problems of the heart - and then the ones of the soul! :-)

tinz18

Op so much of what you're saying I can relate to- the whole waking up in the morning happy and then reality comes crashing down and weighing on you as the day goes on. Like you I wouldn't consider myself all that close to my friends a lot of the time, in fact those that I'm closest to and that I would confide in when I'm feeling down, live half the world away so all our communication is electronic.

I hit the same wall as you seem to be hitting quite soon after finishing up college (I was 22/23), my ex broke up with me, my cousin was dying and my so-called best friends just disappeared when it was all happening. I ended up stressed to the max, and keeping it all together quite literally broke me. The turning point for me was when my dad advised me to go to a counselor and talk about the issues I was having. She helped me build myself up and find a reason for feeling so down and meh about everything. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin now and I did end up in another relationship some time later- which by the way sharing experiences can be stressful too especially when you prefer relaxing holidays and they're dragging you from A to B to C :P Is there any reason in particular you don't want a partner now?

Dutchess

Just wanted to let you know I understand that feeling like backup/second best/plan B to people. I actually feel like that with most of the people I know and it is starting to put me off making friends as most nice people have friends already so I will never be a priority. My own best friend actually does not live here so it's not like I can make her my first port of call when there is a new film out.
So above is just to let you know I can relate and I sympathise.


My advice would be to really focus on you and the things that make you you. Your passions and what you enjoy doing. This will attract people to you, be they friends or potential romantic interests (and if you're not looking for it, and the right guy comes along, hopefully your ex will be the last thing on your mind). You are not the only lonely person out there, OP, I hope that you can be totally happy with who you are (you seem lovely) and meet the people right for you.